Private Hello

[Colette]

Shan

"I know, I know," Colette sobbed happily as she let Shan go. "I don't think I worded that right."

"I mean that I've been alone. I've just not been able to stop feeling like…" She exhaled and paused for a moment, the word was there but she couldn't find it. "It's like when you know someone has to be nice to you because you're the odd one out."

"I just haven't felt at home out here. And it scares me because it makes me realize that I was alone even when I was with my clan." Colette frowned and shifted in hear seat. "Or—"

She exhaled a frustrated sigh. It was hard for her to formulate the ideas that rolled around in her head. The words she wanted to find was something to describe 'kindness out of obligation', but given that her education growing up had been less about how to talk and present herself well and more about where to shoot an animal to minimize suffering and the importance of seed dispersal, the kid just couldn't manage.

"I don't have any real family." Colette said and raised her hands as if to hold an invisible box that she could stare at and magically have words appear out of that would tell her exactly what to say. "Valery and Kahlil come close, but they aren't blood, they aren't mine. If you know what I mean?"

 

[Shan]

"I know I was alone when I was back on Nar Shaddaa...Surrounded by dozens of people, all of us suffering in our own way. Even my parents...My mother was alright, she always supported me...but my father? No. Never. He tried to shoot me." Shan sighed, opening himself up to Colette ever so slightly, though he tilted his head at the sight of the box that Colette was making with her hands. "I still feel alone nowadays. Not all the time...but pretty often. I used to distract myself from the feeling, by just studying...but now? I try to spend my time with people instead. The noble kids, Master Valery and Kahlil. Our fellow Padawans."

"...But Valery and Kahlil can be yours. Family doesn't have to be by blood. Kahlil has been more of a father than my real one has been...Don't tell him I said that though." A soft chuckle came out of Shan's mouth at that, though the Mirialan did wipe at his eyes. Talking about his father that way was never something that was easy for him. "But...I do get it slightly. It feels wrong to consider ourselves part of the family, because...they have their own family. So we'll always feel like we're off to the side."

"I can understand what you mean though...When I first got here...I dunno, I felt isolated in my view and my ideals. Master Valery was always welcoming but...our viewpoint is definitely different. One of the first people I met here tried to make me see the appeal in fighting and how it helps you learn about each other, the same way as talking but..." He couldn't understand how fighting could get across positive feelings. Talking was what he did. Explaining how he felt and how he saw things came easily, or at least that's what he thought.

"...Don't worry though. You're not the odd one out though. I'm odder than you." He smirked at that, teasing Colette to try and get a laugh out of her. It was a nice experience for him, being able to just chat about things. It was harder for him to talk to someone like Ko Vuto because of Ko's experiences and his beliefs, and then Corazona von Ascania as well, because of her upbringing, but this was...easier with Colette. It was relaxing. Most of his concerns had actually faded away.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan

This talk was really personal, Colette thought to herself. Her mind began to connect the dots between what Shan had said earlier and now with his father having tried to shoot him. She could recognize the idea of using the children as a good excuse to not think about the things that bothered her. It wasn't necessarily healthy, but neither was living in a constant state of grief and misery.

"Sounds stupid." Colette mumbled to herself as Shan explained that he had met someone that Colette could only assume was either Eshan, Mandalorian, or Epicanthix. Or what she inherently saw them as: the trio of stupidity.

And then, he claimed to be odder. Colette scoffed a small chuckle at that.

"As if." She said and gently punched him back. She felt a warm smile spread on her lips for a moment. This was exactly what she had needed. "Look, maybe we're both just two odd idiots."

"Or maybe…" She said and looked back at Shan yet again, warm smile and all. "Maybe everyone else are the idiots and we're the only ones who aren't."

 

[Shan]

"You're right. Though I'd never actually say that. I don't want to upset people. They can believe what they want..." Shan sighed, ruffling a hand through his hair and fighting the urge to start grumbling over it. "It's just...funny when people like that also say that I shouldn't go around helping people because I'm not "trained" in it. I'm still a "student". Let's just ignore the fact I've been helping people for yea-...Sorry. You don't want to hear me rant." The Mirialan gave a dejected smile at that, before staring off ahead of himself.

Though he was snapped out of his thoughts when Colette punched him gently, causing him to smirk slightly. "I mean. If we're both odd idiots, I don't want to be smart. Or normal. I just like to be myself." It was nice to see Colette smile. It was a reminder to Shan that he could actually make people happy, instead of just thinking he was constantly causing people stress.

"I'm not...too sure I'd say everyone else are idiots." The Mirialan still had his own smile on his face however as he spoke, glancing over towards Colette out of the corner of his eye. "But I can say, out of everyone else, you're the first person who seems to really understand how I think. We still have a few things we probably disagree on...but that's alright."

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan

"Well said." Colette said and nodded her head. If being smart was to be stupid, then she preferred to be stupid from the start.

Even still though, there was that one part stuck with her from when Shan first began to speak up again. Not telling others they were wrong was a disservice to them, or at least so she saw it. Colette tilted her head as she continued to listen the way Shan seemed to think she was the only one to understand him.

"Hey, wouldn't be fun if we didn't disagree on something." She said and sat up straight again, now to face him again. Foot on knee and all so that she could truly face him. "But seriously though, have you never told someone what you think they should do better? I want you to do it right now, tell me what you think I should do better next time we meet."

Shan, she assumed, would argue against it. She wouldn't have it.

"Do it!" She demanded with a small laughter. "I am not a baby, I can take it. Anything at all, right now."

 

[Shan]

"No. Because I'm in no position to tell someone what they should and shouldn't do." Shan said...rather simply almost. He wasn't ever a confrontational person. Who was he, to tell people what they should do to be a better person? He was no saint himself. He had his own problems. He knew that. But...maybe he should try to do something to at least get Colette of his back as he rubbed his chin in thought, trying to figure it out.

"...You should try to talk to more people. Like this. Try to see other people you have similarities to. I think you and my friend Ko would get along. He's a bit...understanding of how I see things." If Shan had been a crueler person, or perhaps not as polite, he might have made a joke about how Ko Vuto couldn't see things anymore but that wasn't the kind of person he was. "Just...try to get better at speaking. So you can put your feelings into your words." Was that good advice? Shan wasn't too sure himself as he shrugged.

"I mean...with some people, you might be able to get your point or view across through the Force. But that won't always work. I mean...it's not gonna work well with me. I've never been great at sensing things. Force or otherwise." It was one of his weaknesses. One of many if he thought about it. Sensing things was always difficult for him...but recently he was starting to wonder if it wasn't that he struggled to sense things, or if he was trying to sense too much. Either way, he needed to stay focused on the conversation at hand.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan

Well, that was just plain stupid. So, naturally it was just perfect to share between the two of them. That reticent kind of "Oh, I am too inexperienced to have an opinion." approach was NOT part of Colette's MO in the slightest. She spoke openly, honestly, and she was more than willing to catch the flak for it and especially if it was something stupid.

Still, Shan relented and he gave some good pointers. Colette slowly nodded at his words.

"That's good advice." She said and gave a small thumbs up. "I definitely will not be using the force to invade others' mind but I get what you mean."

Call it the last few remnants of her forceless past that just refused to die. Something still didn't sit right with Colette about using the force sometimes. It wasn't something she had been aware of for most of her life until very recently, and now it was suddenly usable for everything.

Nah. Never.

"I think you give yourself too little credit." Colette said. It was now her time to fire back at Shan, but he was sensitive. She'd go easy. "You have to strengthen your confidence a bit more. You are like a loth-cat, and you don't have to be a nexu, but you have to find some way to prove to yourself that you are that person who can tell others what to say or do."

"I think people will turn to us as leaders — uh, Jedi — and sometimes we have to be able to give answers we don't have so that we don't spread fear and doubt."

 

[Shan]

"Oh. No. No. I didn't mean to use the Force to invade other people's minds. I meant...if you were struggling to get a point across to like Valery or something, you could try to communicate through the Force instead." Shan shook his head at that ever so slightly, breaking out into a small chuckle afterwards. It was like how the Force connected everyone in his eyes, so he didn't see anything wrong with trying to use it to communicate. It was a different thing if you used it as a weapon.

Though then Colette gave her own advice, which made Shan tilt his head to the side as he listened to her carefully. "But who says I have the right to lead people? Just because I have the Force? I'm not a fighter. I can barely defend people." Whilst he could fight, Shan wasn't confident in his abilities that much. He had only managed to win one actual battle when it came down to it. If he did know that Colette saw him as sensitive, the Mirialan would probably have felt offended as he leaned back ever so slightly.

"Fear and doubt is a natural part of life. Of course, it's our job to stop it from spreading, but sometimes we can't do that. Being seen as a leader can help, but so can being seen as an equal. Not everyone wants to show how afraid they are in front of their leader." That was part of how Shan saw it. He was just...a regular person, even if he did have the Force. He wasn't going to let the Force make him act like he was someone different.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan

The Mirialan had his right to believe that even if he was wrong. The force didn't so much put a finger on the scales as much as an elbow. People had reason to be afraid of the Jedi and the Sith since they could do things that most people couldn't even dream of doing themselves. At least not in any waking state. When something so powerful placed you above others there was a leadership role that inherently came with it. Not as a chosen leader but as someone who people knew to be powerful. If Shan thought that his presence in the force wouldn't put him above others, he was wrong.

"That's not a good leader then." Colette said rather matter-of-factly. "A leader is someone who is just like the others. A good leader is someone who inspires without speaking a word."

Deep breath. Okay, he said to think about getting feelings into word and how to express herself. Colette gave a sharp exhale as she opened her eyes to give that a try.

"I will try not to overthink my words. So..." She said and nodded. "Look, you are not equal to any regular person out there and you are never going to be their true equal ever again." She challenged Shan's sentiment. "Because simply learning to feel the force and use it has made you unequal. It has tipped the, uh… Scales, I think people call it. And if you don't see that then you're lying to yourself."

"Regular people can't close wounds with a thought. Regular people can't climb buildings with a single jump. These things are seen as miracles, impossibilities, which means that our goal as feared leaders — because we are feared — is not to show that we are just like them, because that's both a lie and an insult. Our goal is to show them that despite being unequal, there is no reason to fear us, and that despite being unequal we are still there for them as if we were equal."

 

[Shan]

"It depends on your definition of a leader." Shan said, rather simply as he listened to Colette, linking his hands together as he debated what to say. Colette was trying at the very least, so Shan was going to do his best to be a bit more...assertive in his own opinion as he sat and waited. "A leader needs to be ab le to make hard choices. To separate their own feelings from what needs to be done. If a leader is just like everyone else, then anyone can be a leader. And that's not always true." He raised an eyebrow at Colette, debating whether or not he should try to back down...No. No. He had to stand firm in his own belief and opinions.

"Inspiration without words can be catastrophic. I could say Master Valery and Kahlil inspire me to go out and fight a Sith Lord. I mean, they're just like me aren't they? So I should be able to." The Mirialan tilted his head to the side, hoping that Colette was somewhat seeing where he was coming from. It wasn't that he was trying to throw her words in her face, far from it. It was just him trying to compare the two.

"The scales can always be tipped the opposite way, even if we do use the Force. Thinking that we are above the average people because we can use the Force is such a...I don't know what word to use exactly...revolting thought? Ridiculous, perhaps? What we can do is seen as miracles, yes. But it's also equally possible for people to prevent us from performing those miracles. Cutting us off from the Force, be it through technology or creatures at their disposal. Learning how to use the Force has tipped the scales in my favour, the same way that learning how to pilot a ship can tip the scales."

He frowned for a moment. Was he even making sense at this point? Shan wasn't sure, but he was going to stand by his words, sitting himself up straighter. "At the end of the day, our gift of being able to use the Force can always be taken away eventually. We are still like everyone else, even with the Force. If anything, those without the Force are potentially better off than us. Because you could compare that stripping the Force from us, would be like stripping away someone's hearing or sight." Shan cleared his throat for a moment, breaking out into a small smile to try and keep the tone...somewhat positive at least. "It's why I try to study how to do things without the Force. How to heal, how to fly, how to...see."

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan

Another smile spread on Colette's lips, one that turned into a grin as Shan kept on talking and debating and explaining himself. She could notice the way that he was close to backing down for a moment before he pushed on. The way he argued against her more 'baseless' arguments with examples of why she was wrong, and in generally standing up for his ideals.

In a way that was inspiring.

"See?" She said and crossed her arms. "You should do that more often."

"And, I mean, sure… You have a good point, but the way you chose not to back off, that's even better."

"Do that more often."

And no, it wasn't because Colette had no desire to argue.

Okay, maybe a little.

 

[Shan]

"Do what more? Talk out of my own ass more often?" Shan chuckled afterwards. It did feel nice after all. Standing up in front of someone but he wouldn't admit that Colette was right. He was somewhat a bit stubborn in that aspect. Though he did nod at her afterwards, shrugging his shoulders. Colette did have a point but Shan wouldn't say that. It was nice though, to have someone who could prove him wrong though.

"You have good points as well. That's why I hesitated. At the end of the day, it's like what I say about being a Jedi. There is no right way to be a Jedi. Like how there is no right way to see the Force. If you think it's something that inherently makes you different to others, that's fine. but I see it as something that only further connects us all together."

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan

"Yeah, I talk out of my ass all the time." Colette said and shrugged as she let her arms unfold again. "It's up to others to call me out on it or suffer in that silence."

Shan continued and Colette gave him a nod.

"I think we're both right, because otherwise I would be wrong, and that's just not possible." She said jokingly to flash just the smallest glimpse into her own stubborn center. It would seem that the Nobles had a tendency to bring in a certain kind of people.

"This has been good." Colette eventually said after a brief moment of silence as she looked over towards the kids and their trusty guardians. "... We should probably get back to our tasks before they get suspicious, huh?"

 

[Shan]

"Or, like you said, there's the third options that people can do. And that's enjoy it." Shan smirked, shrugging his shoulders. "I always enjoy people talking nonsense. I do it all the time. You'll get used to it eventually."

It was no surprise to him at least, that Colette was stubborn in believing that she couldn't be wrong. It was amusing. Shan was far too eager to admit that he was wrong which was...amusing to him. They couldn't be bigger opposites in that aspect but he shook his head, trying not to focus on that as he turned his attention back to Colette.

"Suspicious of what? Their padawans becoming good friends? In all seriousness though, we should make plans to do something else. It's been fun. Just being able to...chat without having to put any thought into it."

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan

"Eh, you know how much family matters to them." Colette said and looked over at the Nobles. "One moment we're talking…" She turned back to Shan. "Next they're asking when we're getting married, settling down, having children, and all that."

She laughed. Nah, they weren't all that bad. Hopefully.

"We'll find some other time for more of this. Maybe we could do something more exciting as well." Colette nodded. "I mean, we're… Very different like that. I don't enjoy sitting still a lot, or reading, but… I could make an exception?"

The kid stood up and stretched her back. There was a pile of wood somewhere around here that most likely still needed to be split. She sighed and shook her head. Even Colette hated doing that. There was a difference between the act of doing it to survive, and another to split just to make sure you still had enough.

They already had more than enough, because Colette had ensured it.

"I'm going to split," Colette said and pointed her thumb over to a nearby stump. "See you around, yeah?"

 

[Shan]

Shan froze for a moment when Colette joked about getting married and having kids. It wasn't actually something he had thought someone would assume, as he stuttered. Trying to figure out something to say but for once, the Mirialan was utterly speechless. He knew she wasn't being serious about it, but it wasn't something the Mirialan would have ever thought of himself. He just saw talking as well...talking. Either way, he shook his head, trying to regain some focus.

"I don't mind doing something...erh...more exciting. I might enjoy reading, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy other things." What did he even enjoy now that he thought about it? Reading was one. Helping people. Piloting was also pretty fun though he wouldn't admit that just yet. Considering how much he told Vera the idea of piloting never appealed to him, he doubt the little one would let him forget it.

"Yeah. You can go and...erh...split. Literally and metaphorically I suppose. I'm probably just gonna try and relax." Shan still hadn't managed to fully calm down from being captured by the Sith, so having some time to relax with people that helped him feel...safe, was probably for the best.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan

Metaphorically? What? Colette seemed very confused for a moment. The idea of 'splitting' as being a way to say that someone was leaving was not known to her but she would nod nonetheless so as to not appear unaware of it despite the fact that she very clearly did.

"We'll have time to think something up." Colette eventually said and smiled. "Take care, Shan."

And with that, for real this time, Colette made like the tree and got out of there. All in all, she knew that she had made a good friend that day.