Private Hello

[Colette]

New Cov was a small place. Or rather, it was a small place when speaking purely figuratively. Colette had stayed with Valery and Kahlil for a while now, and yet despite having been in the same room for the last month or so she hadn’t run into the other learners. She blamed that on schedules and the oddly ambiguous layout of the Noble home.

With the recent ‘Jedi Meet’ that was meant to have been a talk about history and philosophy behind her there were some strange feelings bubbling through Colette’s mind. The first being an affirmation that history discussions were entirely pointless, and secondly that someone she had never really interacted with before lived (on occasion) literally in the same house as her, albeit under a different master.

“How are ya?” Colette asked said person, Shan, with a happy smile as she sat down next to him. “Saw you sitting over here. Figured I’d swing by, get a chance to talk.”

“I think we had some similar thoughts from that history lesson. Funny that we never talked before that.”

Shan Pavond

 

[Shan Pavond]

One might have expected Shan to be at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, now that he was free and back into GA space. That he might have wanted to be around people again but that couldn't be further from the truth. Instead he wanted to be on New Cov. Whilst the Jedi Temple on Coruscant did feel like home, New Cov was where he got to relax. Far away from the hustle and bustle of a city planet. Though whilst he was in his own thoughts for a few moment, he was jolted out of them at the sound of a semi-familiar voice.

"Oh. Colette. Pleasure to meet you. I'm...doing well, I suppose? Just got a lot going on in my head." The Mirialan knocked his knuckles against his temple ever so slightly, breaking out into a small smile before he shrugged his shoulders, turning his attention to their surroundings as he listened to Colette, letting out a small chuckle.

"It's a bit funny, yeah. But it makes sense. I've been locking myself away studying, or sparring. Not a huge fan of erh...talking to people anymore. At least not about my thoughts. Feel like I don't have to explain why." He didn't mind talking about his thoughts with Colette. The pair of them seemed to be in a similar wheelhouse when it came to their opinions

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

Colette listened with an idle nod and a thoughtful expression. That whole 'lot on her mind' part felt particularly relevant, she supposed. Although she suspected (most likely incorrectly) for different reasons.

"I get what you mean, I think." She said and glanced over towards the house where the children were going at full speed before she turned back to Shan. "So, hey, I wanted to say that I am thankful that I didn't feel as alone in my, uh — beliefs — as I thought."

"I know Valery wouldn't ever force me out there, but when your master is the Sword of something…" Colette exhaled a chuckle. "It's hard not to feel like I should do more."

"What about you? I know Kahlil might leave a lot to live up to too."

 

[Shan Pavond]

Shan's smile grew ever so slightly when Colette thanked him for showing her that she wasn't alone in her beliefs. The Mirialan just gave her shoulder a small punch as he shook his head afterwards. "Don't worry about it. People are rarely as alone as they think they are. I'm sure you'd have found someone who agreed with how you saw things sooner or later, even without me."

His eyes focused on the Noble kids for a moment, making sure they weren't going to get themselves into trouble, before looking over towards Colette, smirking at her comment about feeling like she should do more. "Trust me. I know that feeling. A lot. Not necessarily because of Master Kahlil. I've just...always felt like I need to do more. Give back more to the universe. There's so much pain and suffering...and yet it seems like barely anyone wants to try and make things better..." He shrugged afterwards, staring off into the distance. "People want to "deal" with the problems. Kill the people who are causing the pain...but very few people seem to want to treat the pain. Just because you deal with the symptoms doesn't mean you deal with the pai-...Sorry. I'm going all medical talk on you." The Mirialan chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck before taking in a breath.

"Master Kahlil has done his best to try and make sure I don't...worry about things. But it's hard. I always say there's no right way to be a Jedi but...that's easier to say than it is to actually think."

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

That sounded like a good way to drive yourself crazy even to Colette. She did her best in any given situation, but she never expected more as much as had this feeling that she was never quite done. There was always another rep, or set, or book, or text before she caught up with everyone else who had spent their entire lives around the Jedi Order.

"Yes! Exactly! Thank you!" Colette exclaimed ecstatically as Shan finished. "I can pretend that I know what a Jedi is. I can pretend I will ever feel like I live up to the image of Valery. But I can never really believe that."

"She's this… This amazing idol of what fighting for a good cause is, and a good mother. And I'm just some… Blunt girl from a planet she doesn't even know the name of."

"Logically, this shouldn't be a thing. I should be wandering a desert. Marking water sources, updating marked dangers, and have very low expectations."

"But out here…"

 

[Shan Pavond]

Shan frowned as Colette spoke, listening carefully as he folded his arms along his front. It was clear he was putting a lot of thought into his next words as he rubbed his chin ever so slightly. Trying to figure out what exactly he thought Colette would need to hear to make her feel more...confident in herself, staring off to the side once again.

"Well...Sometimes a blunt tool is as useful, if not more useful than a sword." He linked his fingers together, resting his chin on the top of his hands as the Mirialan kept staring off into the distance, trying to figure out what else to say. "You're still an amazing idol, yourself Colette. I'm sure Vera and the other kids look up to you. You don't ever have to live up to the image of Master Valery. You have to live to your own image. Don't try to be Valery Noble. Be Colette."

The Padawan let out a sigh as he spoke. Shan always felt like he talked too much in these kind of situations. "Just...try to be the best version of you, you can be. You might have had low expectations back home...but for me? I'd probably have ended up dead. I'm too caring. But out here? I'm able to survive. We can do so much more out here in the Galaxy...I've changed compared to who I was before I left Nar Shaddaa. I've fought. That's something I never thought I'd do in my life. I've saved people. I've made friends. None of that I could have done back home."

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

Colette looked over at the kids. Shan had a point about the them, she supposed. Ever since she had been by their side when Valery had been taken by a mad man bent on torturing her, there had been a sort of friendship between Colette and the kids. And that was besides the point that Colette just sort of seemed to understand them and knew how to deal with them, and of course, match their energy.

"I've only heard about Nar Shaddaa." Colette said and leaned forward as well, although she'd rather rest her forearms against her knees and slouch than the perhaps more dignified look that Shan had about him. "Yet it seems we left for the same reason."

"Would be wrong, if not selfish, to find out I had this…" She hesitated for a moment. "Well, it feels wrong to call it a gift since I was born with it, but… Yeah, gift." She grimaced. "It would be wrong to find out I can use the force and then choose not to find out what that meant."

"I can use it for a greater good, I just…"

"I just really wish the greater good was a bit more obvious, y'know?"

 

[Shan Pavond]

"You don't ever want to see it. It's worse than Coruscant. Coruscant at least have some levels where people are happy but Nar Shaddaa?..." Shan's eyes narrowed for a moment as he broke out into a small frown. "...It's the kind of place a father would try to shoot their son." The Mirialan didn't elaborate on that, breaking out into a small smile before listening to Colette's comments about the Force.

"I mean, it's not wrong to call it a gift. Everything is a gift in my eyes. Life. Food. Friends. The Force. All of them are things we are given. So you can call it a gift if you want." He shrugged his shoulders afterwards however, at the concept of the greater good. It was something he had thought a lot about, and something he knew wasn't exactly healthy for him when he was panicking over things.

"I know what you mean. Master Kahlil told me to "stop thinking" when it came to that. To go with my instincts but that's...easier said than done. I always think about if I've made the right choices so far. Sparing a Sith. Protecting a Sithspawn. Tackling a Jedi off a cliff to protect said Sithspawn...Were those for the greater good? Or am I just being foolish?"

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

It was hard to imagine something being worse than Coruscant. It was a bloating, festering corpse upon which humans and aliens lived like parasitic bugs that were gnawing the last remnants off of its very last slither of a soul, wiping the bile of their ongoing feast from their lips before they shovel more rotten meat down their throats and throwing up again just to consume more.

But hey, maybe that was just how Colette saw it. Hard to imagine there was anything worse than that.

"I'm not sure there's ever a bad reason to save a life." Colette frowned. "Life can't be brought down to math, it just doesn't work."

"Bee can do that, it's just a robot, but we are only… Well, I—" Colette stopped as her face turned just a slightly more redder tint than before. "Are… Mirialans human?"

"I— I mean, you know— And I mean—"

"I—"

"I never grew up around any other race, and I am trying—"

"Please—"

 

[Shan Pavond]

"It depends. I feel like there are still bad reasons to save a life. Will they cause further pain down the line? Or will they potentially be able to heal the suffering they've caused? Who knows." That was the one thing that always seemed to be a focus of Shan's thoughts. How would his choices affect the future? How would they cause ripples in the Force? Would he cause more pain and suffering by his actions or would he be able to prevent it. Though he was interrupted from his thoughts by Colette's stuttering, and he fought the urge to break out into laughter.

"We're...near human. Distinct enough that some former imperials would happily shoot me for being a Mirialan." The memories of that fight were still something that Shan thought about today. He hadn't killed anyone, but he wondered if the imperials he had disarmed would rather be dead now...No. That wasn't important enough for him to think about.

"Don't worry about offending me Colette. I'm not going to be arrogant and assume you know everything I know. We're all only human after all." The Mirialan broke out into a little smirk at the last part, giving a small chuckle.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

Oh thank goodness, he wasn't offended. Colette calmed down as he continued speaking and couldn't help raise her brow at the idea that someone would shoot someone else because they weren't human. Racism wasn't an all too new concept to Colette, to some extent even she could be considered one due to her ignorance, but… Killing someone for a thing they can't help? What a waste.

"Thank you." She said and put on a weak smile. "I try not to step on any toes, but… There's just so many toes out here."

"But, yeah… Is it for us to decide if someone is to be deemed 'worthy' of living?"

"More pain down the line, yes, but what if they don't? What if that one final act of love is the one that makes them see?"

"It's not about healing the suffering, because that's already a wound that has been torn open. That wound is for the victims to heal. The one who caused it can only make sure it doesn't happen again."

 

[Shan Pavond]

Shan raised an eyebrow, shrugging his shoulders at Colette's comment about stepping on toes. "I mean. I step on toes all the time. When I'm trying to dance that is, but just...don't worry about it. You aren't doing it out of negativity." He focused on trying to reassure her before she carried on discussing what it was for them to decide who is worthy of living, and the Mirialan nodded along.

"I agree. But I've met plenty who don't agree. Even Master Valery and Kahlil think that sometimes, you have to decide when it's best to end a life instead of letting them live. Of course...they've seen so much more horror than the pair of us have but..." He linked his hands together again. This was the first time he had met someone who wasn't shooting down his points. It was a strange thing to realise but it also made him feel more...justified in his thought process.

"It's just...difficult that there's no right choice. It's not simply black and white, as some Jedi like to make it out to be. There's so many different shades of grey."

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

"Ah, then you just make a decision." Colette said and shrugged. "If you are stuck with two difficult decisions, then there is no right choice."

Well, it was that simple whenever Colette thought about being in that seat at least. She had no real experience with these types of decisions. The closest she had ever really gotten was being offered to leave her clan and everything that she knew so that she could explore the possibilities of what a 'force sensitivity' meant.

"And, of course, if someone is trying to say that you only have one of two options, there can usually be a third that they just didn't think of."

"... Especially out here, in the galaxy. With all the lies people tell."

 

[Shan Pavond]

"Lying just...doesn't run well through my blood if I'm being honest. Doing it myself, or figuring out if people are lying." Shan sighed at that, running a hand through his hair as he thought about the different choices he had made. Debating whether or not he had done the wrong choices before shaking his head. It was already done, and he couldn't go back and change things. And would he even change things? He wasn't sure.

"I do know people lie a lot though...I just always want to trust people at their words. Treat people how I want to be treated at the end of the day. And well...I want to be trusted. I don't want people to think I'm violent, or misbehaving." That was part of the reason why Shan barely even wanted to fight. He obviously would do it when he had to defend himself, but he wouldn't jump straight into action. Peace was always an option in his mind.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

"Lying is a good way to lose that trust, yeah." Colette added when Shan talked about having a difficult time being dishonest. As the Mirialan kept talking there was this strange feeling brewing beneath Colette's skin. It wasn't unpleasant, but it was certainly new. Warm, but not enough to be felt. It was more of an illusion almost. The second that she thought about it was the same second when the sensation was gone again.

Nonetheless it felt good to have someone who understood these things. Someone that was her own age.

"I don't mind the violence, sometimes you have to threaten someone to make them understand. It's the murder part I don't like." Colette admitted as she sat up straight again. "When me and Valery were out on a mission, I…" She cleared her throat. "I accidentally decapitated someone. I cut their head clean off while deflecting blaster shots, and I…"

"It was rough. I've been trying to forgive myself ever since."

 

[Shan Pavond]

"Exactly. But even then, I still trust people who lie to me sometimes..." Shan frowned as he thought about how naive he actually was. He knew he wasn't exactly an expert when it came to figuring out people's goals, so it would make sense if he didn't want to trust people...but Shan thought everyone deserved a chance. Or two. He couldn't think of anyone he had given a third chance to. Hm...Though Shan shook his head, trying not to focus on that thought and instead keeping a small smile on his face.

"See. I'm the opposite. Even violence is something I'm opposed to. I want to be something someone can look up to. I don't want to be something they should be afraid of...I want people to smile when they see me, and now that they're safe!" At that, the Mirialan sat up, holding his head up high ever so slightly, before glancing over towards Colette as she spoke, his smile slowly fading from his face ever so slightly.

"I can't say I understand how you feel...I haven't found myself in that kind of situation. I'm sure there's a few people I've...harmed by disarming them, but...I can't really say anything that could help you but..." Shan sighed to himself, and leaned to the side, wrapping his arms around Colette in an attempt to give her a hug. He wasn't exactly great at giving any kind of affection but he was hoping that this would help. "You might be struggling to forgive yourself...so I'll just say I forgive you."

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

Violence was an intrinsic part of nature. It wasn't easy to deny, and while having the greater ability to choose not to partake in it was what made someone 'human', it was still inevitable to some extent and sometimes the choice wasn't even yours.

While these were Colette's usual thoughts, those were not the ones that raced through her mind in that moment. Shan was a nice person, and talking to him was just as equally nice. As he wrapped his arm around her Colette felt a familiar feeling creep in her arm, a tension in her hand that would seem to indicate that (indeed) her hand was balling up into fists. Not because she was uncomfortable — at least not that she was aware of — but because that was just what she had done the last few times someone had done it without her being aware that they were about to do it.

It felt nice to have it be from someone that she felt like she could at least let close enough to do it. Even if the thought to tackle him to the ground and smack him on the nose was strangely intrusive. That, too, she would chalk up to memories from when she was still back home.

"Thank you." She said and let out a surprisingly deep gasp for air. Her nose sniveled, her eyes burned and she slowly leaned out of the hug to put her forehead in the palms of her hands to hold back the panic. "I don't deserve it, but…"

"Thank you. I didn't want to, but he just- And the blaster fire just-"

 

[Shan Pavond]

Fear. Fear was the first thing to rush through Shan's body as he heard Colette sniffing. Did he do something wrong? Was he that bad at hugging people? No. No. She was just reliving the experience more than likely, so he just sat there, letting Colette speak as he listened as much as he could doing his best to try and help his new friend.

"I've not known you for a long time Colette, but I'd never have thought you'd have wanted to kill someone. It was an accident. An accident we can't change...but an accident all the same." He sighed to himself, holding his hands out to Colette, though unlike the hug, Shan waited for her to be ready for him. He wasn't just going to snatch her hands whilst she was in this state. He wasn't that dumb when it came to people and their emotions. Even he could see the panic bubbling up to the surface...A soft smile just appearing on his face to try and show Colette that he wasn't judging her. He just wanted to help her.

"...You do deserve the forgiveness however. You are doing the best you can to try and make up for your mistake. That's more than what most people can say. My...father can't say that. I can't say that fully either..." The fact his mother had been kidnapped whilst he was with the Jedi was something that Shan still blamed himself for. Realistically, it wasn't his fault, but the Padawan wasn't going to accept that anytime soon...No. No. He couldn't let himself focus on that right now. He had to try and be there for Colette.

"Just...breathe Colette. Okay? If you need to cry...Go ahead. Let it out if you need to." He kept the smile on his face, taking in his own deep breath. Trying to keep a control of his own emotions and the Force. It was most definitely chaotic for him at this precise moment, with his view of the Force currently being a raging tempest of a storm from the emotions swirling around. Shan just closed his eyes, keeping his hands held out to Colette as he carefully tried to calm himself down, and even tried to reach out to Colette through the Force. To be there for her, both physically and with the Force. A problem shared was a problem halved...or was it a burden shared?

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

Deep breaths and long exhales, that was what she had been told would help. The oxygen flows in, the worries go out. She didn't quite register what Shan was saying about his father and himself. It was drowned out by the whirlwind of emotions, but some part of her would most likely put it away subconsciously.

"Thank you." She sobbed and lifted herself out of her hands. "The emotions are strong sometimes, but Valery has helped me find ways to, uh… Handle it."

"You are helping, too." She sobbed and wiped away the tears at the corner of her eyes. "I won't ever really forget what I did, but…" Colette reached out to take Shan's hand. "I don't really want to be the person who forgets something like that either."

A small chuckle blew through her nose as she put on another smile. "I can see why Kahlil keeps you around." She grinned and wiped her nose with her arm. "You're great at this."

"I'm not usually one to rely on others, but it's been nice. You're nice. Everyone here have been really nice."

And with that she threw herself into Shan and gave him a proper hug. None of this 'Jedi sidehug' business.

 

[Shan Pavond]

"I can understand the emotions...I learned how to control mine a bit more from Corazona. Who had learned it from Master Kahlil." Shan broke out into a bigger smile at that,, chuckling ever so slightly. It was nice to see that Valery had helped Colette as well to deal with her emotions. Shan didn't think he'd have been that much help but it seemed like he was wrong if what Colette was saying was anything to go off.

"Heh. I actually don't know why Master Kahlil keeps me around. I feel like I'm too...problematic for him. In our first mission together, I nearly cut my hand off...then I got captured by the Sith...I'm just a source of stress for him." He shrugged his shoulders, mostly since Shan always played himself down. He didn't think he was too good at anything that wasn't just healing people. "I'm not great at this. It's just...trying to help people is something I do. Physically and emotionally."

The Mirialan let out a surprised yelp as Colette gave Shan a proper hug, breaking out into a small chuckle before wrapping his arms around her in response to try and give her a hug in response. "Most people here are nice, yeah. We're all always going to be here for Colette. You don't need to rely on us...but we are stronger together, than we are alone."

Colette