Private Hearts on Fire

[Aeris Lashiec]

Silence had weighed heavy on the ship from the moment that Aeris had entered it. Uncooperative, unresponsive, uncaring. The otherwise all too outgoing librarian had withdrawn deep within herself in what was a clear struggle against the reality she was faced with. Before her lay the dead body of the person that had stolen her heart in a matter of seconds and then crushed it in even less. The person that she had once called her only friend, a lover, and confidant was dead for a second time. How did someone even begin to process that?

As the ship left hyperspace and punched its way into the system, as it touched down on an unmapped forest world a mere stone's throw away from Jedha, Aeris began to prepare a pyre. She had to do this, there was no talking her out of it, no getting her to change her mind or otherwise move on. She already had once before and it came back to bite her.

With the corpse placed at the top of the neatly arranged, rectangular bed made out of sticks and logs she had cut down from the immediate area, she finally let out a small shivering exhale.

"Thank you, Kai." She whispered. The strength behind her voice nowhere to be found. "I need to do this."

"I lost them once before and…"

"I just need to know that they will be at peace, one with the force."

Arlo Renard

 

[Arlo Renard]

It was evening by the time the funeral pyre was ready, the setting sun turning the trees around them into dark silhouettes. Kai stood next to Aeris, facing the pile of wood and dry brush upon which she had mounted the corpse of Alex Mortimer.

What they were doing was maybe dangerous. The forest world Aeris had chosen as the final resting place for her fallen friend was fairly close to Jedha—and that meant it was close to enemy ships. But he hadn’t tried to stop her or alter their course when he saw the coordinates she had punched into the navicomputer. He only filed the information away, and discreetly calculated an escape route should they need to make a hasty getaway.

Hearing Aeris’ voice in the quiet of this solitary planet made Kai turn his head toward her, his hands resting on his hips. She hadn’t spoken more than a few words to him since Jedha, but now she offered her thanks—and to be honest, he wasn’t quite sure what she was thanking him for. He had helped her gather the wood for the pyre, but that was simple work, not really worth a show of gratitude.

“You’re welcome,” he said.

His speaking voice was raspy from lack of use and so soft-spoken he was practically whispering, but in this hushed place, she’d hear him loud and clear. Telepathically, he remained curiously silent—no projected thoughts or mental imagery. Not even a flash of slipped feeling. He was giving her plenty of headspace in which to privately consort with her grief.

If hearing him with her ears rather than her brain had surprised her, he was about to do it again. “They will be. We all have to eventually. When we are ready, it’s just like going home.”

He didn’t have the heart to tell her that he wasn’t sure what had become of Alex Mortimer. His body had not faded away. If it had, there would be nothing left to burn. Based on what he had learned, this was a sign that the person’s spirit was unwilling to become one with the Force. Alex had taken his own life, but that didn’t necessarily mean he was ready to go.

"Was he your friend?" Kai asked, realizing he didn't know Aeris' exact relationship to the man whose body they were about to cremate.

Aeris Lashiec​

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Arlo Renard

Her mouth opened for a second with a surprised gasp as she heard Kai's "real" voice. A welcomed warmth set on her lips with a weak smile. Not that it lasted, but it was nice while it did. Her brows sank yet again as she glanced at the dead body on the wooden pyre. She listened as Kai spoke to her from outside of her mind for once again. Part of her was curious why he didn't just use their telepathic link as usual, but then perhaps she welcomed it as well.

"They were my…" She exhaled and slowly reached for the sabers she had clipped to her belt. "First, and only love."

The metallic cylinder that had clung to her tilted to the side to deposit its crystal into the palm of her hand. She let her thumb brush over it's silver surface for a moment as she contemplated what Alex had said about clinging to her past and her denial. It was denial that had brought her here in the first place. She placed her crystal on top of their chest, right by their heart and just above where his hands rested.

"They were a friend in a time when it was just us and the dark." She whispered and placed the man's saber in his hands. "A light when I had nothing else."

She then glanced down at her own hilt and placed it next to his.

"A relic from my past that I managed to turn into something far worse." Aeris sniveled and glanced up at Kai for little more than a second before shame forced her away. "I destroyed them and let someone else rebuild what I had done."

"I always wanted to find out what life could have been if we never got separated, but…" There was defeat in her voice. As Aeris exhaled one more sigh she felt her shoulders grab a hold of the entire world around them and pull the weight towards them. The words flowed but they lacked the current to really bring forth any form of emotion behind them "But…"

"Maybe I was just as deluded as he was in the end. The only difference is that I murdered them over it. Because I didn't want to follow them into the dark. Because I was scared of who they had become without me, and who they became when I rejected them."

"I had them back for less than an hour, now they are dead yet again, and I just…"

"I don't know, Kai."

 

[Arlo Renard]

Kai listened. He canted his head to one side, brow furrowing.

“He murdered himself.”

The dagger had been in his hand, thrust into his own heart. Only after he had spoken did he realize what she meant. Something had happened in the distant past between her and Alex. She’d killed him rather than deal with his inner darkness, an act of rejection that she now blamed herself for.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have killed your boyfriend the first time,” he admitted. “Unless he was hurting people, or something—then you kind of have to kill ‘em.”

Looking down at the ground, he crossed his arms over his chest, his foot smudging the dirt.

“You told me once that you could only help me if I wanted to be helped. Some people don’t want to be saved. No matter how much you care about them, they won’t let you help them. They have to want it for themselves. Make the choice on their own. Otherwise they aren’t really any better.”

Maybe he was talking about Alex, or maybe he was talking about himself. Aeris had once offered to help him overcome his vampirism, but he had refused her. Partly because he thought it was hopeless, and partly because he didn’t want to stop. She had let him go, probably because she underestimated just how destructive his little addiction could be. But still—she knew what he was, and she still let him live. Maybe her experience with Alex had taught her to see people first rather than demons and monsters that needed to be slain.

Forcing himself to look at Aeris again, he added, “Maybe you messed up with him, but you didn’t with me. You’re a good person now. Thanks for not trying to kill me when I said no to your help.”

Aeris Lashiec​

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Arlo Renard

Rage flared across her face for a moment. Nose wrinkled, teeth bared, knuckles paled as Kai seemed to point out the obvious. Of course she wouldn't have killed her partner the first time, that was the point she was trying to make. The guilt she had tried to rid herself of by opening up to Kai grew as the intent seemed to have backfired.

Except…

Except that was not what Kai had meant, and not what he had intended. Another deep sigh caused her shoulders to sink in defeat yet again as she shook her head. Kai glanced up at her and the headshake stopped as she caught his thank you with a quiet bow of her head.

"I suppose you are right." She said and struggled to put on the smile that she wished to give her friend. "When I killed Alex I swore to try and see the person beneath the surface of their skin. Eventually this idea led to a form of obsessive thought that not everything born out of darkness brings malice, and not all that the light touches is a force of good. And I struggle not to keep it in mind whenever I encounter someone like you."

"Because I think you are a good example of that, you know." Aeris said and finally mustered a smile. It was weak, but for the moment that it lasted, it was there. "Inside of you there lives a spirit with a strong will to live, a spirit that has yet to find its place in the galaxy, but also one that has been twisted into something entirely different. Something dark. And yet in giving you the chance to choose which of those you wanted to be, you chose to be a force of good."

The smile faded as she glanced back at the unlit pyre.

"That is, to me, what a Jedi should do. Inspire, provide guidance, not dictate and destroy."

Another sigh blew through her nose. She was only delaying the inevitable at this point. Eventually she would have to let it go.

"I should light this." She said and began to look around for something to start the fire with. Something that was one of the lightsabers on the pile. "Do you have anything?"

 

[Arlo Renard]

Kai’s eyebrows rose as he caught wind of Aeris’ brief anger. A misunderstanding. It was much harder for him to articulate the true meaning of his words without telepathy to smooth out the rough edges. Luckily he didn’t need to clarify further. She got it on her own.

“I hope so,” he murmured, nodding his head. His face was falling into shadow, the sun disappearing completely over the horizon. “I am still growing. You are too, I think. This was…” He gestured vaguely toward Alex. “Bad, but not much to be done about it now. Except mourn, and learn from it, and not make the same mistakes.”

He stopped talking, realizing that he probably wasn’t helping her to feel any better. Besides, he had already spoken more words out loud tonight than he had in his entire life.

She asked for a lighter; he held out his lightsaber hilt to her. Apart from its unusual focusing crystal, there was little about it that was noteworthy. He stayed close to her as she ignited the pyre, and when she inevitably returned the lightsaber to him, he took it, then gave her a hug, hoping the gesture would say all that really needed to be said.

Aeris Lashiec​

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Arlo Renard

The kid tried. Aeris struggled not to fault him for it. She knew he meant well but it was all very far from what she wanted to hear. What she wanted was pity, but what she needed was a way forward that brought her out of this mindset. Kai had gone in the right direction but that didn't mean Aeris would be able to acknowledge it. At least not right now.

She grabbed the hilt of his lightsaber and weighed it up and down for a moment before she pointed it at the pyre. She swallowed hard to stifle the hesitation, her thumb gently pressing against the switch until it finally ignited. The blade reached into the wood to make it burn and she slowly reached to hand it back to its rightful owner.

As Kai wrapped his arms around her she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Tears began to pour down her cheeks again as she began to squeeze the still oddly malleable child before her to death.

"Thank you, Kai." She shivered. "I couldn't have done this alone."

"Thank you."

 

[Arlo Renard]

He let her squeeze him as if he were an inanimate stuffed animal for as long as she wanted to. It didn’t hurt.

His head turned to watch the fire spread over the pyre, consuming the body and lightsabers. Jedi who had unfinished business might stay a while on the earthly plane, or at least until their strength of will waned. Sith whose reach had exceeded their grasp sometimes defied death in their quest for power and control.

Where did Alex Mortimer fit in the scheme of things? He had seemed corrupted to Kai, yet he had taken his own life. If he wanted to die, why hadn’t he let himself fade away? Was suicide just a means of escaping the no-win scenario he’d found himself in, fighting someone he didn’t really want to kill?

Would he be back?

<Are you going to build a new lightsaber?> he asked, slipping back into telepathy so that she could see the true meaning behind the question: was she going to go away after this?

Aeris Lashiec​

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Arlo Renard

In truth Aeris had no answers for anything that had happened in the last few hours or days. Time seemed so relative, her grip on the world between reality and exhausted shock was shaky at best. Tunnel vision had seized her until she and Kai had gotten the pyre together.

"Eventually, yes." Aeris nodded as she eased her grip and sat down on the ground to look at the fire. "I had been thinking about setting out for travel a long time before that. See the state of the galaxy with my own eyes instead of just reading about it."

She watched the flames as they rose higher to engulf her friend and lover.

"Maybe this was the force trying to push me in that direction?" She shook her head. "I don't know."

Then her eyes rose to the skies above.

"There are many other worlds just like Jedha out there that have already been on fire, long before today. The Jedi will be needed there too."

"Someone has to respond to those souls as well, right?"

 

[Arlo Renard]

Still standing, Kai turned toward the pyre as well. He nodded his head slowly, less in agreement than in acceptance. In the flickering glow of the flames, he looked older, the lines of his face drawn in harsh relief.

<Yes. Someone must.>

Mortimer’s reappearance and subsequent death had happened suddenly, without warning, and now everything was changing because of it. He felt selfish for not wanting Aeris to go. She was his main connection to the Jedi, a lifeline during a time of fear and uncertainty. But she owed him nothing. They were not master and apprentice. She was just… his friend.

His eyes grew wet. Reaching up, he caught a tear on the pad of his thumb before it could fall, then closed his fist around it, applying pressure and altering its chemical makeup. When next he opened his fingers, a tiny uncut diamond lay in the center of his palm.

Crouching down, he took Aeris’ hand and pressed the gem into it.

<Safe journey.>

Aeris Lashiec​

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Arlo Renard

Was that a tear? Aeris' brow rose as Kai crushed it in the palm of his hand. The second brow slowly lifted to join it before they both curved in appreciation for the gesture of what Kai presented her with. She wrapped her arms around the kid and squeezed him far tighter than before.

"Oh, Kai." She laughed for a moment and let in a wet snort. "Thank you. I will put this to good use when I create said lightsaber, I promise."

The thoughts began to spin, the possibilities of how she would incorporate it to the hilt. To not use it was not even a question. Still, it was hard to decipher if the kid was actually crying or not, but there was no chance in hell that Aeris wouldn't be there for him in case Kai was actually sad over it.

"I will make sure to stay in touch, of course. And I am still a member of the Circle. To run away would do me no favors." Aeris said as she eased her hold and placed her hands on Kai's shoulders. "Besides, I am fairly sure the others would have my head for this, but…"

"You are a bit like family, Kai. I would never abandon you."

 

[Arlo Renard]

Held tightly in Aeris’ embrace, Kai wiped his eyes on the backs of his hands, the gesture careless compared to his harvesting of the first tear that fell. He felt a little foolish for crying now. It made it seem like he had made no progress in controlling his emotions since the day he met her in the library.

There was an odd look on his face as she pulled away, rested her hands on his shoulders, and told him he was like family. He threw his arms around her, discovering in that moment that he could also cry when he was happy.

so much hugging Aeris Lashiec​

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Arlo Renard

The hugs were allowed to last until the intercom crackled to life with a notice of their victory over Jedha. Aeris let out a small sigh and separated from Kai. With one glance at their stolen ship and the other at the kid, or little brother if you would, she felt a frown tug at her lips. They would be expecting Aeris and Kai back there, but in truth she had no desire to be there at all. Her thumb began to rub at her wrist for a moment as she contemplated it.

"We should probably head out." She said and looked over her shoulder at the burning pyre. "I… Have done what I needed to."

And then she swallowed, hard.

"I will drop you off on Jedha before I go."