Private Guilt of the Master

[Caden Evesa]

EVESA
Jedi Temple| Courscant
TAG: Loomi
GEAR: Chase Edgewear T-Shirt | Chase Racewear Jacket

​

Caden was battered and bruised.

Everything hurt, and every time he looked down he spotted a new scar or burn wound that hadn't finished healing yet. He'd spent a few weeks in the medical bays at the Jedi Temple, being fixed up by some of the best healers that the New Jedi Order had to offer. It sucked. Nearly dying genuinely sucked. He regretted ever going to Indoumodo. He was, however, just thankful that he was finally on the mend, even though it seemed to be taking forever to get back to himself.

Slowly, he hobbled through the halls of the Jedi Temple, leaning on a cane that he had borrowed from the medical bay. Being reliant on it sucked, but it meant that he could actually walk and he was thankful for that. He'd been couped up in bed too long. He hoped he wouldn't need the cane for long however, it made him feel much older than he actually was. He was twenty, but with the cane he felt closer to sixty or seventy.

Caden reached the door of his Padawan, and took a breath.

The Jedi Knight wasn't actually sure if his Padawan would want to see him, after everything that had happened. He felt so guilty for all of it, everything that she had been through and how much of it was technically his fault. He needed to apologise though, make everything right with her. He needed her to understand how truly sorry he was for everything that she had been through whilst on missions with him. He hoped she'd understand.

He knocked the door, and took another breath.

 

[Loomi]

Coruscant, Jedi Temple
Tags: Caden Evesa

Loomi's past few weeks had been riddled with anxiety. She had been wrestling with traumatic flashes of memories from her forgotten life, the stress of waiting for her injured Master to be cleared from the halls of healing, and a full-blown identity crisis just to rub salt in the wound. She was exhausted. Indoumodo had been a floodgate, holding back a mess that had, upon self reflection on her part, always been present. Her mind had been hiding from it, bottling the memories away in the back. The Godoan had been so eager to gain back her lost past, but seeing just a glimpse of it was already a lot. Maybe it was for the best that she didn't remember.

A knock came to her door, interrupting her session of pondering. The padawan climbed out of her bed, where she had been lying in a daze for some time now, making her way over to the entrance of her dorm and opening it.

It was Caden.

A wave of relief came over her, and Loomi was very quick to hug the wounded Jedi knight, perhaps a little bit too tightly given his injuries. She did recoil afterwards, recognizing such a thing.

"G-golly," she stammered, "I-I didn't hurt you, did I? I-I just..."

A smile finally came to her face, followed by a stream of tears. She had been bottling up more than she realized. In spite of all the terrible things plaguing her mind, her Master being okay was enough to elevate her state.

"I'm glad you're okay."

 

[Caden Evesa]

EVESA
Jedi Temple | Courscant
TAG: Loomi
GEAR: Chase Edgewear T-Shirt | Chase Racewear Jacket

​

There was a slight wince.

The Jedi Knight did his best to hide the quick flash of pain however. Loomi seemed happy to see him and he didn't want to ruin her moment. The hug from the Godoan was almost relief for Caden, the hug showing him that no matter what they had been through and what trauma he had inflicted upon her, Loomi still cared for him in some way or another.

He wasn't, however, expecting tears. He took a moment just to compose himself before pulling his Padawan back into the hug. He gave her a moment or two to just cry it out, let all of the pain she must have been feeling flow free. He was hardly able to imagine the big feelings she must have been feeling since the incident that had occured on Indoumodo.

"Course I'm okay. I wasn't about to let some fire kill me off, not when I made a promise."

Caden stepped into the room, the door sliding shut behind him. He'd never been in Loomi's room before, it always felt like an invasion of privacy. He wanted both of his students to have a space where they could be free of him and could be free of learning and could just relax however they wanted. Their rooms were their space for that reason.

"If it helps, I think Tala is going to be okay as well"

There was a smile from the Jedi Knight.

"May I take a seat? I'm still not at hundred percent yet, been told by all the healers I need to take it easy for a while or else they'll recall me to the halls of healing. Honestly, they'd have to take me kicking and screaming. Don't think I could cope with another few weeks of bacta tanks and bed rest. Saying that, I don't think I could kick or scream either."

 

[Loomi]

Coruscant, Jedi Temple
Tags: Caden Evesa

Loomi was a bit taken aback that Caden was quick to return her hug, but she didn't fight it. She just took the moment to let out all of her tears. Everything seemed so overwhelming at the moment. If she didn't let it all out, the Godoan feared it might tear her apart. All things considered, she really needed this moment.

Caden stepped into her room, explaining that Tala was okay as well, another relieving revelation. Her room was tidy, all thinks considered, but it may have just been because Loomi owned very little. All that was on her side of the room (her roommate was out on an assignment) was her bed, which sat in a woven hammock that hung from the ceiling, the gourd that contained her shapeshifting familiar, and the charging port for her mental health monitor, Yogurt. She had very little else to her name, save the clothes in her closet.

"May I take a seat? I'm still not at hundred percent yet, been told by all the healers I need to take it easy for a while or else they'll recall me to the halls of healing. Honestly, they'd have to take me kicking and screaming. Don't think I could cope with another few weeks of bacta tanks and bed rest. Saying that, I don't think I could kick or scream either."

Loomi was quick to procure a chair for him and sit on the end of her swinging bed, listening to what the man had to say. He was recovering, which was apparent, but it seemed like he's be required to lie low for a while to fully regain his strength. It was reassuring, at least, to hear a more positive tone in his voice. Just moments ago everything seemed so dire. Maybe now was a good time to at least try to explain something- no, anything about what she was going through.

"I-I understand," she nodded before nervously tucking her hands between her mechanical knees. "I... There's something I should've told you. W-when you took me on, I mean. I came to the temple without any memories. Where I'm from, who raised me... I don't know any of it. I-I've been starting to get glimpses of it though. It isn't a lot, but..."

Her frown grew clearer, her brow lowering with concern. She was struggling to find the words to say all of this in a way that made sense. Loomi didn't want to sound like she was rambling.

"...I think something terrible happened to me."

 

[Caden Evesa]

EVESA
Jedi Temple | Courscant
TAG: Loomi
GEAR: Chase Edgewear T-Shirt | Chase Racewear Jacket

​

Desperately, he wanted to understand.

He'd seen some terrible things, some messed up things. He'd been victim of trauma at such a young age he was pretty sure it shaped who he was for life. Even then, he couldn't even begin to understand what Loomi was going through. He remembered all of his trauma, he remembered everything that had happened to him and had been able to work through it for the most part.

If she was right, Loomi couldn't remember any of it. She had never had a chance to work through any of what she'd gone through because she didn't even know what she had gone through. She just knew that it was something terrible that had happened to her. She'd never had chance to deal with her problems because she wasn't even sure what her problems were.

Caden adjusted in his seat slightly.

"I'd say I understand, but that would be a lie. I've never had to deal with lost memories before, never mind lost memories involving trauma. Most traumatised people I come across tend to remember whatever traumatised them"

He was never one to beat around the bush.

"I don't believe, however, you should have told me this when I took you on. This was your secret to tell me whenever you felt it was appropriate to do so. I wouldn't, and still won't, force you to share anything you don't feel ready to share".

A hand was placed on the Godoan's shoulder. The one with the least amount of burnt tissue.

"Whenever you feel like telling more, you're welcome to do so. If not to me, then to Tala. If not to Tala, then to your friends here in the Temple. I notice you're getting close with that Kel Dor. If not to them, then maybe a professional? I'm just spitballing ideas here"

The Jedi Knight offered his Padawan a little smile.

"Whatever you think, there's nothing wrong with struggling sometimes. We all do it. We'll get you through it. Somehow. I promise you that"

 

[Loomi]

Coruscant, Jedi Temple
Tags: Caden Evesa

"Whatever you think, there's nothing wrong with struggling sometimes. We all do it. We'll get you through it. Somehow. I promise you that"

"Th-thank you," she finally stammered, a wobbly smile coming to her face. "That... means a lot to me."

There was at least a difference between then and now. All the people in her memory seemed to be so cruel, yet everyone at the Jedi Temple was so kind. Never before had she met such a caring people, especially the close friends she had made thus far. Loomi was thankful of this fact, at least. That wasn't even mentioning the great mentor she had, even if he was an impulsive one.

"Golly, I haven't slept at all," the Godoan sighed, her shoulder's drooping. "My head has been spinning since I got back. I-I can barely keep track of it all... but you and Tala are okay. Maybe the fog will clear up now."

That sounded nice. She would like that to happen very much.

 

[Caden Evesa]

EVESA
Jedi Temple | Courscant
TAG: Loomi
GEAR: Chase Edgewear T-Shirt | Chase Racewear Jacket

​

He offered her a reassuring smile.

"It can take all the time it needs. There's no rush for it to lift, no matter how nice it feels for it to be lifting. We'll get you all the support you need to get to that point where the fog has lifted but we'll do it at your pace, make sure it isn't too overwhelming for you"

The Jedi Knight looked down softly.

"When I agreed to train you, and Tala, I made a promise. It was an unspoken promise, but a promise none the less. That promise was that I'd train you both to the best of my ability and keep both of you safe. I failed in the second part of that promise on Indoumodo. Instead of keeping you both safe, I got barbequed and you both got hurt in some way".

Indoumodo would haunt him for a while yet, of that he was certain.

"As you can imagine, I've had a lot of thinking time since. If I keep throwing myself headfirst into everything, next time we might not be so lucky. Next time someone might not walk out of it, and I doubt I could live with myself if it was you, or Tala, or even Ko or Rosalina"

It had been a learning tool, nearly dying. He never thought he would say that.

"So maybe I've learnt something as well. I can't be a mentor to yourself or Tala if I keep nearly getting myself killed. So maybe it's time I take a step back. We start working together, coming up with a plan instead of just jumping in and nearly getting killed. Maybe it's time I stop being so headstrong"

 

[Loomi]

Coruscant, Jedi Temple
Tags: Caden Evesa

So maybe it's time I take a step back. We start working together, coming up with a plan instead of just jumping in and nearly getting killed.

"I... yeah," Loomi nodded, managing a warm smile. "I can do that."

She understood what it was he was saying. So often did he jump into action, a trait she actually kind of admired since she was so reserved. It seemed, however, that there were downsides to that, much as anything. If the three of them could learn together from this experience, perhaps they could all come out on the other side of their time together as students and teacher with a greater sense of purpose and a better success rate when it came to saving lives.

And come out alive, of course.

"I'm... still trying to figure my headspace out," she admitted with a sigh, "But I'd... like to get back to my training. Our training, I guess. I don't want my thoughts to keep me cooped up in my room anymore."

The Godoan needed her training again.