Feedback Flame me, but like, politely?

[Ripley Kühn]

So I was gonna gather links to posts, but tbh, I'm lazy.

So if we've written together on any of my characters at any point, or you've read my stuff, lemme know how I'm doing, and how to develop.

Some things I'm looking for are:

• Is my writing clear and concise?
• Are my characters personalities and emotions coming through in my writing?
• Is my writing style appealing? If not, what are some things I can look to improve?

Feedback outside of these are welcome as well, those questions are just things I have been asking myself.

 

[Onrai]

1: Wouldn't know, only got to write with you once.
2: Wouldn't know, only got to write with you once.
3: Wouldn't know, only got to write with you once.

Conclusion: We should write more.

 

[Lao Pak]

who are you

 

[Enlil]

1: Doing fine, overall.
2: Always room for improvement, but the characters are emotive and not one dimensional.
3: Appealing? Different people are going to have different answers on this, because not everyone is someone else's cuppa. I'd counsel to find a style you feel comfortable with, expand that until people are consistently giving positive feedback, and just varying the people who you write with outside of one or two groups. The more people you interact with, the more you can learn and adapt things that they do into your skillset. Language is a constant learning process. I don't think there's anyone, even college graduates or PhD who have completely mastered it.

TL;DR Don't base that particular piece off of a few people's opinions, give yourself a chance to grow into a place where you're not only comfortable, but confident.

 

[Tom Kovack]

1. I'd say so. I don't struggle to understand your posts or anything like that. Your posts are generally a good length, neither too short nor too long. Unlike some of the people on here who either write a few sentences or an entire novel every time they post, yeesh.

2. Would also say yes, although most of my interactions with you have been in the context of Ripley being an Angry Pink Woman™, so I guess my perspective is kinda limited. I also dipped into some of your RPs with Ryv, those were pretty good.

3. Writing style is subjective, so keep in mind that this is strictly my opinion and personal taste. I mean it, seriously - I get salty when people use alternate fonts in their posts, I'm that petty. Overall your writing is just detailed enough, which I like, but tends to lean more towards the formal, stiff, or even "clinical" as far as word choice goes, just from what I've seen. It's very spare and straightforward. If that's what you're going for, ignore me. But because I'm feeling extra today and I feel like you're looking for a more detailed critique of your writing style, Imma bring up a paragraph from your latest Ripley post here:

"The fluorescent lights of the interior were a stark contrast to the dark exterior the city streets had. Ripley squinted and blinked a few times as her cobalt eyes adjusted to the difference. The question caused her to glance back at the padawan, a confused expression across Ripley's face. As she saw the little dance, she couldn't help but give her a goofy grin. The free spirit's demeanor was infectious, and started to pull her out of the dark hole she had been in earlier in the evening."

The formal impression comes from your use of the words "interior" and "exterior" rather than just inside/outside. Specifically because people generally only resort to using interior/exterior if they've already used the more common terms elsewhere, to avoid repetition.

I noticed you describe Ripley's appearance frequently in your posts - her cobalt eyes here. I tend to not bother describing my character in posts (I did a lengthy writeup about descriptions here if you want to read more about that) because I'd rather give the other writer my impressions of their character, and let them do the same to mine. Mostly because there's only so many ways you can describe your own character, and like I said, repetition makes me salty. But other people do this all the time, and that's more of a personal taste thing on my part.

"a confused expression across Ripley's face" - I know everyone is tired of hearing this, but this is telling rather than showing. Instead of saying she looked confused, think about what happens to the human face when they are expressing confusion. She raised her eyebrows, or raised an eyebrow. She blinked, then grinned. Something like that would tell more about the character, too, based on how much emotion she shows in her face. Is Ripley more stoic or can she not keep a straight face? etc.

My final note is that the use of descriptor nouns rather than a character's name beyond just their species or rank. Like calling Phalsi "the Padawan" or referring to Ripley as "the Zeltron". But calling Phalsi "the free spirit" is, you guessed it, telling rather than showing. I admit that this is more me being anal about it than anything else, as it's just not something I would do. I'd just say that her demeanor was infectious, since I already established that she was dancing. Ahhhhhhhhhh writing is hard.

Anyway, you definitely have permission to pet the pug.

 

[Ryv]

I promised you feedback on your writing two weeks ago, so forgive me.

Q: Is my writing clear and concise?

A: Yes, I'd say it's easy for me to understand what you're looking to express. We've worked through a few threads together so far, and I'm not finding it difficult to follow what you're providing me.

Q: Are my characters' personalities and emotions coming through in my writing?

A: I've only ever written with Ripley, but I'd say yes. From my limited experience with her, you take the time to express what she's experiencing. Sometimes you show, sometimes you tell, both of which I think are fine when done in moderation. From Tis But a Scratch and Unreliably Reliable, I found it easy to determine Ripley was a character trying to find her place in the galaxy. It seems like she's been through a lot. I have the unfair advantage of actively speaking with you, given we're friends, so I do have the inside scoop on what you're trying to touch on through writing, and I think you're doing a phenomenal job. I see a lot of what it means to be human in who Ripley is right now. A flawed individual trying to become better while leaning on her not-so-legal talents to help get the job done.

Q: Is my writing style appealing? If not, what are some things I can look to improve?

A: You know how I am about writing. I try to be open-minded about how people write due to a plethora of reasons. Language, culture, education, you name it. With that in mind, you also know there are just some people I struggle to read. You aren't one of those people. Some words you use give off a formal tone, at times disrupting a paragraph or sentence flow, but that's something you can solve by expanding your diction.

She did get that. Her time wandering, floating through, staying a bit longer if somewhere had something to offer. When she had squeezed every bit of superficial happiness out of a spot, she'd move on and find another. The lifestyle had lacked what she truly craved, but it made it all a bit more bearable. As he gripped her hand tighter, she did the same, a solace found in the gesture. The kiffar's emotions radiated out, permeating the air around them. A slight sense of fondness, held up by a pillar of empathy. It soothed her, knowing someone gave a chit. The last person to do that was Kahne, and it was in a much different fashion, that of a master and padawan. The zeltron nodded slightly at the words, lifting her head to look upon him again.

I think this is a great example of your writing that showcases both strengths and weaknesses. You have a lot of POWERFUL word choice here that helps express what Ripley feels/felt. I like your use of "superficial" here. It's clear Ripley knows what she does. The drifting isn't solving her problems. She knows it's a temporary fix to much deeper issues, some of which you touch on in how she reacts to the moment with Ryv. "Solace" is another great word that tells the reader she isn't just finding peace with someone else. It's happening during a period of tension and stress, and Ryv is giving her a momentary escape from it all, reminding her of a past bond she had that helped keep her going.

Great parallel to the past and the present. My only complaint from your word choice would be with "As he gripped her hand tighter..." I'd say. You don't really need to put gripped and tighter together. "Gripped" sorta implies a firm hold on something. You can probably change that to "As he gripped her hand..." or "He held tight to her hand, and she his...." or something. This stuff is subjective, though. My last big point might be fewer conjunctions, fewer commas, and more use of shorter sentences.

You get more tension with fewer pauses. The overuse of pauses tends to break up that flow I mentioned earlier, dragging on some sentences that can be trimmed to provide more killer, less filler.

All in all?

I think you're doing great all around. You put out a lot of content in your posts, be they large or small, that makes it easy for me to respond to. I personally enjoy how easy it is to go back and forth with you. I don't need to sift through your posts for shit to ignore or points to focus on. Usually, a single read-through gives me more than enough inspiration to get a reply to you. It makes you one of my favorite people to write with on Chaos. And once again, using that insider info here, I have nothing but respect for why you write. This is a passion I'd like to turn into a career. I've done it my whole life. Meeting someone who has a genuinely beautiful reason to write that's different from my own is an inspiration I sorely needed.

Thank you for writing, and please don't give it up!

Ripley Kühn​