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I've been working on this piece for a bit over a week at this point, and there are a few days when the creativity just isn't striking me. When it does, though, I'm trying to go all out and give it the best effort I can.
It just feels like I'm doing a sloppy job, to be blunt. The flow is a bit choppy, and the pacing feels wrong. I'm doing short jumps and long jumps through time at different intervals, and I want to make sure it's not too difficult to follow and that people are able to draw what I'm doing from it. I really want it to be well done by the end, and I'd like to get some pre-finished product feedback from interested parties.
"It's so long" isn't exactly what I'm looking for, I know it's lengthy and I'm content with that. If you're the TL;DR sort, this may not be the read for you.
Thank you guys in advance for any and all contributions.
You'll have your feedback in a couple of days when I can properly focus on reading it and responding in a detailed and constructive way. I'll most likely PM my feedback.
The posts flow well overall, like you said a little choppy here and there but nothing too jarring in my opinion. I like the direction it is taking so far and look forward to seeing the end game. I did notice some very minor errors in spelling, but nothing that broke immersion. I would say it has the pacing of a thriller/spy novel from the posts you have up right now, a bit more of a look into why Alkor is the way he is and the severing of the elder sister would have been nice, but overall a good effort. As far as knowing exactly where this is supposed to be going it isn't overly clear, but being a bit vague with that is a good thing allows for subtle hints as to the overarching plot throughout, tying it up with a solid ending that brings those subtle hints together for the big payoff is always fun and makes the reader look back over things and go 'Ah, so THAT is what all this lead up to, it seems so obvious now!' You get that kind of ending and you have succeeded so far as I am concerned.
So, I'll write this while pretending your posts were as if you expected another Writer to respond and in order to keep the story flowing (aka, the opposite of "when the creativity just isn't striking me"). I use the Hemingway Editor for getting the readability stats.
"Brevity is the soul of wit" - While the literary source is a case of irony, I find the principle to be useful in role-play. Yes, this is a "Its so long" point. Though, my point is that it's beneficial to cut out what other Writers know or don't need to know. The saying "Show, don't tell" becomes the rule in this case.
The positives of doing this are that:
Succinct posts are easier to read, and thus understand, and thus respond to, and thus keeps the story flowing.
Writers won't confuse your narrative for OOC inspired insults.
Instantly creates a mystery box regarding your character's thoughts. People love mystery boxes.
You spend less time writing and more time waiting anxiously to see if the other party enjoyed your post.
Using your lead, here's an example of what I would've posted:
[Alkor found himself in] Wild Space of all god forsaken places. As he placed a weathered, battered, but sealed envelope on the desk in front of him, the cool eyed Corellian stared intently into the eyes of a Hapan woman with an infectious inability to smile.
"Collector sent me here," he informed her gruffly. "Said he had what I wanted briefly, but he had to give it to you in payment of a debt." Her rigid demeanor remained [unfazed] as he spoke. Chevra Hies was a woman of high social standing once, and though her name no longer carried weight in the Consortium her presence demanded respect all the same.
"I know the item in question," she recalled as she snatched up the envelope and waved it between them testily. "But I'm afraid I am no longer in possession of it. Jedi relics are of no consequence to me, sir, but credits are ever in high demand." Her pouty lips turned slightly in a [pleased] smirk as the Dark Jedi frowned. Her lithe fingers ran through brunette hair with all the grace of her upbringing, and she [mockingly] fluttered her deep brown eyes. "You'll have to excuse me, I'm a busy woman and you're taking up my time."
"Sith." He stated the word like poison as he refused to move, not even an inch. "It's a Sith relic," he corrected. "And if you don't have it, kindly tell me who does so that I can be on my way."
With an exasperated huff, Chevra folded her hands and forced a sweet, albeit stiff smile. "I am not at liberty to divulge that information to you, sir," she answered dutifully. "And the item was taken from a Jedi Temple during the aftermath of a war, so we may be splitting hairs about its origins."
His eyes narrowred on the woman. "I doubt you'd find much interest in its origins anyway," he replied frankly. Her nose twitched a bit and her smile became crooked as she stared at him.
"Good day," she snapped. "And best of luck finding your Jedi artifact," she jeered mockingly. Her expression was a smug one.
Here are the stats related to the change:
Original
Word count: 611
Read time: 2:26
Grade level: 9
Hard-to-read sentences: 9
Very hard-to-read sentences: 5
Edited
Word count: 280
Read time: 1:07
Grade level: 8
Hard-to-read sentences: 1
Very hard-to-read sentences: 0
I didn't touch the dialogue and any additions were noted with brackets. I hope my edit demonstrates the methods in keeping a post brief while still being sufficient for role-playing:
Omit character thoughts/opinions (or your own) from the narrative. Express them only through dialogue and actions.
Use the glory of the English language to replace multiple words with just one.
Don't not not use words that describe the same thing. ("Fluttered repeatedly")
"But if I reduce my word count, won't that get rid of walls of text?"
It won't.
The Uncyclopedia link demonstrates the difficulty in reading paragraphs that are too long. The biggest issue is that they increase read-time since the reader has to put some focus on not jumping from lines.
Here's a further edit that only adds line breaks:
[Alkor found himself in] Wild Space of all god forsaken places. [He] placed a weathered, sealed envelope on the desk in front of him. [Simultaneously,] the cool eyed Corellian stared into the eyes of a [stoic] Hapan woman.
"Collector sent me here," he informed her gruffly.
"Said he had what I wanted briefly, but he had to give it to you in payment of a debt."
Her rigid demeanor remained [unfazed] as he spoke. Chevra Hies was a woman of high social standing once. [Though] her name no longer carried weight in the Consortium her presence demanded respect.
"I know the item in question," she recalled as she snatched up the envelope and waved it between them testily.
"But I'm afraid I am no longer in possession of it. Jedi relics are of no consequence to me, sir, but credits are ever in high demand."
Her pouty lips turned slightly in a [pleased] smirk as the Dark Jedi frowned. Her lithe fingers ran through brunette hair with all the grace of her upbringing. [She mockingly] fluttered her deep brown eyes.
"You'll have to excuse me, I'm a busy woman and you're taking up my time."
"Sith." He stated the word like poison as he refused to move, not even an inch.
"It's a Sith relic," he corrected. "And if you don't have it, kindly tell me who does so that I can be on my way."
With an exasperated huff, Chevra folded her hands and forced a sweet, albeit stiff smile.
"I am not at liberty to divulge that information to you, sir," she answered dutifully.
"And the item was taken from a Jedi Temple during the aftermath of a war, so we may be splitting hairs about its origins."
His eyes narrowred on the woman.
"I doubt you'd find much interest in its origins anyway," he replied frankly.
Her nose twitched a bit and her smile became crooked as she stared at him.
"Good day," she snapped. "And best of luck finding your Jedi artifact," she jeered mockingly.
Her expression was a smug one.
Reading time calculated to be 31 seconds. The line break actually removed the final "hard-to-read" sentence.
The logic behind my line-breaks were in order to separate dialogue from actions with a line-break. This is usually where people mess up and write large chunks of text. If there is no dialogue, paragraphs can be separated by action.
Lastly, use spell check - "narrowred"
Absolutely digsusting.
EDIT: In addendum, it's really the first point (Show, don't tell) that helps a lot in both other people's enjoyment as well as your ability to crank out a post. It's far easier to just post something when you already have the actions in mind and that's the only thing you have to write.
