Faith

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It was nearing the end of the day.

The sun was threatening to dip beneath the skyline. It cast brilliant shades of cerulean and crimson through the sky, calming the Jedi Master as he stared out into its beauty. He ignored the skyscraps and the innumerable speeders passing by that obscured his vision. There was nothing he looked forward to more than seeing the sun set on Coruscant - it was the sign of another day passing, and the people of the Imperium growing ever the more prosperous.

Most of his meetings had come to an end, but there was still one scheduled. The Jedi had considered cancelling to start his meditations off early, but something had stayed his hand. The empyrean was shifting oddly today, and it was enough to get his attention. Curious, the Jedi Master had elected to wait for this final meeting. The door to his private office atop the imperial palace was unlocked, ready for the next visitor.

 

[Tasha Blackmoor]

Tasha had problems with meditation for...well it'd been years. She'd never been truly good at it, but her year enslaved was...well since then she'd never been able to meditate properly. She could use the force, she could use it well even, especially in combat. But finding a peaceful, lasting meditation, that was something that had been almost completely lost to her since that time.

She didn't want to go to an order...but she needed to go to someone. In the end, she discovered someone she believed might be able to help her. A light sider of experience, and political power making him easier to find. But most importantly, he had made it easy to get an audience scheduled with him. Unfortunately, she couldn't bring in weapons, but that was an entirely acceptable measure. This was not an enemy world either, it should be a good world. But...sometimes there was still that concern in her mind, and knowing she couldn't bring a weapon just pushed her to wear her armor regardless. Her turn was late and as she waited, as best she could, she looked over a datapad to take care of work. Just can't stop moving. Hence why her eyes even know were tired. Sitting down, taking a nap, just wasn't what she was used to.

Finally, time to go in. She stood up, with swift steps, hands clasped together behind her back, uncertainty on her face, she made her way to the office, "Excuse me, my name is Tasha Blackmoor, I had a scheduled audience."

She waited for an answer, before knowing what to do from there. For those who actively sensed another presence in the force, she had one. Conflicted, but practiced for a long time. She was not abnormally powerful, she'd just practiced her abilities for long enough to be good at it. That practice hadn't helped her heal though.

 

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The empyrean swirled about this one as it had with so many others that Cedric had met recently. he'd come to understand it as a sign of destiny, as most of those that had crossed his path had elected to join him on the journey. It was a sign of divine providence; the Force working its own way to bring together those that might see the galaxy heal. He was instantly pleased that he'd elected to remain for the final meeting.

"Hello Miss Blackmoor," he offered her a pleasant smile. "I am Cedric Grayson, Lord Imperator of this Imperium. It's a pleasure," he gestured for her to take a seat opposite his desk. The office was a fairly spartan chamber. The walls were a warm creme color, the floors hardwood. There was little adornment about the chamber, save for a few old mementos and a flag of Ession hanging in the corner. Jedi were not known for their ostentation, and Cedric was keen on maintaining that tradition.

"You seem troubled, if it isn't too much to say," he leaned back in his chair, arms folding about his chest. "How can I help you?"

[member="Tasha Blackmoor"]

 

[Tasha Blackmoor]

Tasha nodded her head as he answered her greeting, gesturing for her to take a seat. She did this, with relative swiftness, trying to relax into the chair. However, her problem was certainly continuing to weigh on her mind. Causing her to pay little attention to the surroundings short of their practical purposes. With little interest in the few adornments that the room did have.

So, next came the question of her being troubled, and how he could help. She breathed to collect herself, "I've tried, and failed, for the last...well it's been over a decade, to meditate. No matter how many times I do it, no matter how much effort I put into it, or how little as I've tried a few times as well, I just...can't anymore." she admitted, "To be fair, I wasn't good at it to begin with. But...I had made a mistake. And it cost me. And it's still costing me because of this. I just keep running into the same problems over and over again."

She clenched her fist and then unclenched it, "Is there any way you can help me learn how to do it again."

[member="Cedric Grayson"]

 

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Cedric listened in patient silence as she spoke. He busied himself with pouring a cup of caf from the machine on his desk, stirring the steaming liquid just enough that the flavor might be rich. He did not physically react to her words, seemingly entranced with the process of caf purification. It was only when she finished speaking that Cedric offered words.

"Meditation is the key to true oneness with the Living Force. I understand your distress," there was sympathy in his voice as he looked back to her, his eyes just over the rim of the mug as he took a sip. "Ten years is...a long time to go without it. I admire your ability to remain centered without it. I'd lose my mind."

The mug was set on the desk.

"I can try to help you, but you may not like it. A blocker in the Force is almost always due to an untouched emotional issue. Some trauma you might better leave forgotten. The only way to open the path to the empyrean is through acceptance. Is there anything that happened to you after you meditated properly for the last time?"

[member="Tasha Blackmoor"]

 

[Tasha Blackmoor]

Tasha was not bothered by his seeming greater interest in the tea. He'd probably had a very busy day and this wasn't exactly a simple issue that could be resolved with a few words of advise to get someone on the right track. When he mentioned ten years being a long time to go without it, she nodded solemnly, "It's been... a trying life for me."

The next words was much more centered on the issue. The matter of trauma that should be forgotten. Yes, that'd be nice. She would likely not forget her focus on slavers, but she had not liked them before, it had just grown intensely. But if that one year were only erased from her mind, peace would be so much greater. He mentioned acceptance, that was rough. And then asked the heart of the question. What happened after the last time, she ran her hand thoughtlessly against her back underneath the armor, at her waist. The scars, perhaps memories could be forgotten, but the scars she'd never gotten rid of. Maybe there was a surgery for that, but even if they took them away physically, they would be there. "I was...captured." she said quietly, swallowing to urge herself to explain, this was vital, "I was once a padawan. I...took on slavers on my own. And I failed."

She slowed her speech, to try and slow her breathing, "They had me for around a year I think. It felt like so much longer then that. I never...gave in, but...I imagine that's why they made it so painful."

​A sensation of fury rose for a moment before subsiding again quickly, she looked him in the eyes, "When I escaped...finally. I killed them...all of them. Every slaver I knew was a part of the group that caught me and held me. I'd never known such hatred and pain until that year of torment and the...well the rampage I went on. When I finally came to my senses, I went home. Not to the order, to my parents on Alderaan. I just couldn't go back to the Jedi then. Until now, I've only had the vaguest of interactions with other Jedi."
[member="Cedric Grayson"]

 

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Cedric met her words with respectful silence. Truthfully he’d been expecting something a bit less harrowing. People were often surprised at what simple interpseronal drama could do to their connection the force. This one was different though. She spoke of slavers, and of being captured by them. To be taken by such mongrels was a thought that made Cedric’s stomach churn, but for a woman?

He nearly shuddered.

“That’s horrible,” he replied immediately, sympathy plain in his expression. I’m sorry that happened to you Miss Blackmoor.” He paused, trying to find the right words. It took a few seconds before he did.

“And it is likely the source of your block.” His tone softened, almost gentle. To break that block...well, what happened to you needs to be confronted. Are you ready to do that?”

[member="Tasha Blackmoor"]

 

[Tasha Blackmoor]

[member="Cedric Grayson"]
The content of that year wasn't something she really wanted to share. They weren't years anyone really wanted to hear either. And he did agree that it was horrible. She nodded slightly, clenching a hand and unclenching it to try and keep herself calm. The source of the block. Yeah. He explained that in order to fix it, they had to confront it.

Her eye twitched at the thought, taking in a breath and letting it out again, "I am willing to try. But...I cannot say I will...succeed." she answered.

She still had moments in which she remembered those days. They were not days she wanted to remember and yet they came back, again and again. Certainly aided her everlasting hatred for any slavers. As in that one year so long ago, they would forever hurt her mind and memory. She might have becoming a better person, less rash. But the cost of that was not even remotely comparable.

 

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"If it grows to be too much we can stop." Cedric replied calmly. It wasn't often that he got to play therapist, but that sort of thing came with the territory of being a Jedi. The emotions of force sensitives were terribly volatile, and they needed to be discussed maturely if their power to be kept at bay. It was a skill he'd learned to perfect during the last war with the Sith; so many padawans had come to him with broken minds. It had always been a truly fulfilling thing to help them heal.

"What do you remember first?" He asked, sipping at his cup of caf. He went ahead and poured another from the machine, offering the mug to Tasha if she wanted it. "Particularly in your mission. What happened to cause it to fail?" A brow raised.

The first step onto healing was confrontation with the cause of the wound, and it was never a pleasant experience.

[member="Tasha Blackmoor"]

 

[Tasha Blackmoor]

She nodded as he mentioned they could stop if it was getting too hard. Good...because there was a possibility there wouldn't be a choice. She really should have tried something sooner, rather then trying to just...keep going. This was not going to be an easy process. But it had to be done.

He asked what she remembered first, about the failure. Ok, so starting before everything went to crap. She knew what caused it, rash action. "I...went on my own. I tried to sneak my way in to release the slaves, but I didn't realize how loud the locks were. The noise brought attention, and...well I thought I could take them on. I tried to be tactical about it by changing locations."

There was a pause as she looked at her gloved hand, rubbing her fingers together as she let herself breath, just getting closer and closer, "That...didn't work. They were organized. And while I brought several down I ended up surrounded."

She stopped, she didn't want to say more then he told her to say. And that was all she was told to say so far.
[member="Cedric Grayson"]

 

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It sounded like a rather standard mission.

Cedric had been captured in a remarkably similar circumstance during his time on Nar Shadaa. The New Republic had come to save him then, and he'd only been forced to spend half a year fighting in the Hutts' gladatorial pits. He mad e a note to deal with those slavers as Tasha continued to explain.

"You did your best. That's all any of us can ever do, Jedi or not." He replied, "I was captured trying to free slaves as well. The Hutts forced me to fight in their gladiatorial contests - it was a dark time, and on some level, I understand what you may have gone through."

He paused, meeting her gaze. "What happened after that? Tell me as much as you feel comfortable with."

[member="Tasha Blackmoor"]

 

[Tasha Blackmoor]

[member="Cedric Grayson"]
He had some kind of similar experience. Gladitorial. She almost wished that was a possibility she'd been given, though, she doubted the results would have been much different, based on the type of person she was at the time. There was some bit of comfort in that she was at least speaking to someone who had some level of familiarity with the situation she was put in. Still, as she remembered...her eye twitched and she had to take her time speaking not wanting that fury to rise again as it had once before. The fact she hadn't turned to the dark side itself after all of that was only due to her sternness in morality.

"They managed to stun me. Took a few to get me, and...I started to feel fear. I think it was the first time that I was ever actually afraid for my life. I always found combat so easy before." Her comments on her skill at the time was not to brag, but to let her take mental and emotional breaks from her past. Still, pain was reaching her mind in memory. Her tired eyes voided out. And her throat tightened. "They chained me up. Took my armor and weapons. Used an amped up shock color to stop me from using the force or speaking."

Another deep breath, a hand running more roughly along the outside of her back, "They wanted me to be a slave. I was young, of course they did. I wasn't going to settle for that. I resisted. So they beat me. Next day they tried to convince me again. Still refused. Beatings turned to lashings, I can't say how many times. They didn't even ask me every time anymore. Just came in, used an electrified whip, again, and again, and left. Things started getting...more intense."

There was another long pause as her jaw shook, "I think some of them were just doing it for entertainment after awhile. Must have given up on any possibility for being used as a dancer. The body can only heal from so much. Sometimes...I just wish I'd given in."

Yet again she stopped. She had to take a bit more time. Let herself calm down again. Her heart was beating faster as her mind went back to the time so long ago. But the time which was repeated all too often.

 

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The empyrean twisted violently around Tasha.

It was more sensitive to emotion than any one person ever could, and Cedric's connection with it only amplified the sensation of anxiety and dread Miss Blackmoor was pouring out into the Force. He did his best to let his own presence be known - that of calm serenity. Even if it did not help her, it might at least help her feel as if she could rely on him in such a state of emotional vulnerability.

"You sound like a true Jedi," Cedric complimented. "You conquered your suffering, fought on even when you wanted to break. That is the fortitude of the Ashla - that you never gave in is a badge of honor for your character. don't regret it. Rise above it."

He offered her a sympathetic smile. "I know it can be difficult - sometimes it might even feel impossible, but fighting onward is our eternal duty, and you did not fail in that."

[member="Tasha Blackmoor"]

 

[Tasha Blackmoor]

While the presence of someone calm might not truly fix her own turmoil. It did help prevent her from wanting to completely withdraw from the conversation. Yes it was hard to think about at all, but it'd be even harder to talk about if she knew she was being judged. She looked up in some surprise when Cedric called her a true Jedi. But I failed to fix it? She thought. However he explained that even in spite of what she had suffered through, she'd still come through. She didn't give in.

That...helped. Maybe it still didn't solve the problem she'd come here for. But it helped at least with her feeling of failure. Something she barely even realized she'd had. He even smiled sympathetically and gave another few words of encouragement, and repeating that in some way she'd still made it. "Thank you." she finally said quietly.

There was a little pause, "What do I do now?" her voice was still quiet, but a bit calmer. She still hurt inside. But she at least had somewhat more peace about her own actions.
[member="Cedric Grayson"]

 

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It was a good question, and one Cedric was not wholly equipped to answer. Still, he'd do the best he could.

"That's not an easy question to answer," he replied honestly as he finished his cup of caf. It was starting to give him the jitters, his hands shaking slightly as he lifted the cup back over to the caf machine. The machine burred as it squelched out another cup full.

"The simple answer is that you must move forward, the difficult one is that you must look into yourself, see the scars these experiences left upon your psyche, and allow them to heal. Think about it. Let it bother you at first, until it becomes just another memory. Once you've come fully to terms with your trauma, the Force will flow through you as freely as it once did."

He paused.

"And after that, then you move on."

[member="Tasha Blackmoor"]

 

[Tasha Blackmoor]

She sat thinking as he answered, furrowing her brow. Of course, the answer could not be easy. The content of the question was not. As he gave her instructions on what should be done, or at least what to attempt, she made sure to remember them. This was not going to be a quick fix. Not that she really expected that in the first place. It was a process, a long, process. That required patience and work.

Still, his advice was worth taking. And she was going to give it the best shot she had. Time would tell how much of that she would succeed in. She nodded, "Thank you," she said, "If there's anything I can do in turn, please, let me know. I may have to come back to you one day. I am certainly no monarch, but I have my skills and resources."

She let out a sigh, "Again, truly, thank you."
[member="Cedric Grayson"]

 

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Once again the duality of Cedric's position raged within him.

The Imperator wanted another powerful force user within the ranks of his armies. Compared to their rivals, the Imperium was rather small, and its resources nowhere near vast. It was only the bolstering of trained force users in its military that had allowed its armies to succeed in subjugating what iad had.

The Jedi within him wanted other things, and as he so often did, he sided with it. Before all things, Cedric was a servant of the Ashla - all other titles were only a means to that final end.

"You have a place here, if you want," he finally said. "I know you said you were only a padawan, but...well, I am intending to reforge the Jedi Order in the visage of the old. restore the old ways, the old traditions. I could use someone with your experience in that endeavor, if that's something that appeals to you."

[member="Tasha Blackmoor"]

 

[Tasha Blackmoor]

The woman cocked her head as he said she had a place here. She was a little uncertain what he meant but he began to explain. How he wanted to create an order of the Jedi that followed old ways and traditions. And that he could use some of her experience. She had to think about it, rubbing her hands together thoughtfully. She was not the most usual jedi, her ways were far from stereotypical for one even when she was actually a part of an order.

However, to join, means she could have a greater purpose then just business and occasional ventures. It means she might be able to help more people, and possibly in turn receive more help that she needed more easily. She opened her mouth then shut it for a moment, understanding that she didn't know what he would think of her own methods. She believed in some sense in the philosophy about the force that old traditions held. But not always in the same application. However, arguably, due to her regular use of stunning weapons, she had a greater grasp on how combat should go then she thought most Jedi did.

However she had to know if he would accept that, "I...would accept that I think. I would like to be of more use. And from what I do know of older Jedi Philosophy I think I might even be good with that. However, I don't know what you might think of my own. In regards to morality, I think I cling more to a stricter code. But when it comes to applying them I might seem a bit modern." she explained, "I use blasters, and energy shields, and all around more modern technology. I just find only a lightsaber too restricting for the modern day, but the blaster I use is equipped for stunning as well as actual offense. And a shield...well that's even more of a defensive tool then a lightsaber is. And my most well known skill in the force is my technopathy. So if you're alright with that the way I apply force abilities and lifestyle in that manner, then yes, I would definitely accept."
[member="Cedric Grayson"]

 

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Cedric simply shook his head.

"I do not care what tools you use to serve the galaxy, only that you do so. I intend to return to tradition, but not the illogical ones. The reason the Jedi Order collapsed was because of its inflexibility. I don't intend to repeat that mistake a second time," he explained, brow furrowing as he spoke of the old Jedi. Cedric was not particularly pleased with the current state of the order, and the actions of those that had come before him were chief among his grievances.

"There is a singular truth that I have come to understand after a lifetime of warfare, Miss Blackmoor." He leaned forward, resting his elbow on the desk, and his chin upon his fist. "The Dark Side as the Sith teach it, and as the Jedi of old have looked at it, is wrong. It is not a natural part of the Force at all. It is the result of sentient beings infecting the Force with the cancer of their dark desires. The only way to bring balance is to eradicate its influence entirely. Stand in the Light, and you stand with me."

[member="Tasha Blackmoor"]

 

[Tasha Blackmoor]

She smiled as he said he didn't care. Explaining the inflexibility was one of his qualms with the Jedi order before. Only the right traditions would be used. Going further to explain it was one thing of particular importance. That of the light being the only true peace with it. And that the dark was an infection. Not that they were truly sides really. She nodded thoughtfully. This made the force not a two-sided coin. But a single entity, one which had an infection. And the infection was the dark side. It made sense, the dark side was a cancer as he called it, it spread, it corrupted, and it had to be removed.

Tasha nodded her head, "Then I will stand with you. The dark side nearly had me that once and I don't believe it'll truly do much good no matter who is under it's influence. You will have my aid as long as its in the same service, and means, of right and of the light." she stated. "Just tell me what it is I'm meant to do."

The dark side was dangerous. She knew that first hand, though she'd rarely seen it used by others. She knew it was a threat. She had first hand experience with feeling the dark side. But, thankfully, she was not lost to it. Though she still felt pain and had a long way to go before she was truly healed of her past. She had begun taking the proper steps. This step however would be for everyone else.
[member="Cedric Grayson"]