Even cold-fish need friends...

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus slumped forward and stared at the ground. It was easier than talking. It was a lot better than thinking.

She felt a closeness to Maria even though they weren’t speaking. One of those perfect moments where words weren’t required and silence said so much.

Finally she sighed and sat up straight. “OK…I don’t know exactly where all that came from, but I guess it’s better out than in. Nobody has died, I’m still a Jedi and it’s something I now know I have to come to terms with. Perhaps I should start by visiting my parents. It’s not a crime is it?”

Finally she had the confidence to look at Maria again. “What do you think?”

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

Maria didn't look at Corvus at all during the silent moments. The discussion had gotten too deep to just... look at each other. A deep conversation like this didn't need any words, it only needed the common emotion. And it was a lot stronger than any spoken sentence or thought.

And she noticed how the Master had sit up straight and was about to talk again. Maria didn't look at her. She was not ready yet. But she was ready to answer to the question, "I think it's not a sin. But there have been a few cases I know of when this want to visit family again became fatal. I guess it's just up to you whether you want to see them or live forever not knowing what they're doing or... if they're even alive."

She turned her head so it faced Corvus. "But I would go."

[ [member="Corvus Raaf"] ]​

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus could feel the conflict in Maria. She’d expected a simple yes and was surprised at the delay. But her words made sense. Whatever the truth, she could live her life in ignorance and remain a Jedi. No better or worse than she was now.

But what if she found them and they hated her for turning her back on them. Or loved her so much she would find it difficult to live. How could she explain her actions to any siblings?

It was not as simple as going or not going. But Maria’s advice was sound. If she chose not to, she might live forever wondering ‘what if.’ Two of the most destructive words in the language.

“Thank you,” she finally offered. “Not the conversation I expected from my perspective but more useful than perhaps you’ll ever know. Although I suspect you do know.”

“But what of you? What help can this emotional fool offer you in the ways of the Jedi?”

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

It was Maria's turn to go through the inspection. She didn't even know what was her own trouble. Corvus's had been rather simple -- she was a perfect Jedi, but not too much of a perfect person. Maria had the exact opposite of that, but she couldn't find the right words to describe that. What was the core of her problems? What was the thing which caused her to be so horrendous?

"Me... I'm a horrible Jedi," Maria finally said after a bit of silence. Her hands moved just as if she wanted to say something but couldn't. Her mouth acted the same way. The language of Galactic Basic Standard didn't quite support the feeling she had inside.

"I can't focus on the light side, I guess, I can't form a bond with those whom I teach, nor can I get too close to those whom I learn from. Even though I follow the Code, I can't live according to that. I know much about the Jedi philosophy, but whatever I do, I fail at being a Jedi."

Now it was her turn to talk about something which was hard to put in words. She didn't expect Corvus to understand her rightaway. She didn't know if the other Jedi had passed that phase or anything so that she could get what Maria felt.

[ [member="Corvus Raaf"] ]​

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus reflected for a moment. There was a humour in the situation – albeit nothing was funny. ”I have lost count of the number of Younglings and Padawans I’ve trained. Even some Knights have experienced what I’m about to say. And yes, most definitely me too.”

She stood up and walked around as she spoke. ”Whenever a Jedi is unable to learn a new ability, it invariably comes down to one thing. It is the simplest thing and in turn the hardest of challenges. It is about belief. We’ve all done it. We try to do something. We use that word because we plan to fail. And yes, that’s a no-no in the Jedi Code too. Planning to succeed but having a back-up plan is fine. It’s good. But starting with the premise of failure is not.”

“I suspect there is value in you considering your own abilities. They are more considerable than you will allow yourself to accept. You say you can’t but I say you can. But it all starts with belief.”

“Master [member="Talon Vosra"] taught me something valuable.” She laughed. ”I don’t mean he taught me just one valuable thing. I mean one thing that I carry with me every day. And it is this…”

“Trust in the Force. People will let you down. Governments will let you down. Even you will let you down. But the Force will never let you down. Trust. Believe. I know it sounds easy and I know it isn’t but I believe it is the start to finding your true Jedi. Just as I need to believe I can be a Jedi and a person, you need to believe you can be a person and a Jedi. Am I making any sense?” Corvus wrinkled her nose, hoping she hadn’t talked for too long.

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

That... made a lot of sense. Was it really all behind Maria not having much faith in the Force? She had to look inside herself later, to see what was going on there. She had always thought she believed in the Force, that she believed enough. Corvus seemed to be a Master at being a Jedi and she might have known better. "I guess... it could be true."

She looked up, just as if trying to get some relief from the heaven or something.

"I have always thought the Force was not something that couldn't be trusted. I mean, it is always there, but not in the way a human is. It may be a bit difficult to believe in something you can't see. And even though I know the Force exists, from what I've just heard from you, I seem to have a hard time at actually connecting to it."

She turned her head to the Master again.

"But there's one thing that just drives me insane. What could be the reason why my transition to the Jedi Order has been so difficult? I mean, I still suffer -- I tend to have sudden moments of corruption. It's like... I go to the Dark Side for just a moment. And it happens every day. Is that... even logical? Or is it just another effect of having enough faith in the Force?"

[ [member="Corvus Raaf"] ]​

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus listened and wished she had answers. ”The best and most honest response I can give is that I don’t know. I only came close to the Dark-side once and that was under the influence of Sith magic. For me it connected me to those emotions I’d kept suppressed. I saw things in black and white and saw the Code as something that got in the way of justice. My justice.”

She paused, clearly wondering if she should continue. ”I…I nearly killed a man. He was a Sith Lord. He’d killed my former Master. I disarmed him and then…” She sat back down and put her head in her hands, running her fingers through her hair. ”I wanted to kill him. Only my saber saved me. It has a Solari crystal and it cut out. I couldn’t deliver the killing blow. But I would have.”

“Now I look back and realise how wrong I was. But I can’t truly say why it happened. Maybe..just maybe, the magic negated my control. It gave free reign to my emotions. Maybe that’s why I came so close?”

She looked at Maria. ”I wish I could give you a quick answer. What is important is that you are aware of it and you control it and you deal with it. That is the Jedi way. We have emotions but we do not let them rule our lives. I’d say you cope with the situation well. Will greater belief help? It can’t hurt to find out but I suspect with these things the answer lies within you. You just haven’t found it yet.”

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

Greater belief... Maria was getting rather thoughtful. She had done a lot of thinking before, too, but this time, she had to look deep inside herself and understand what Corvus taught her. She had to see whether her speech could help her or not. And then she remembered what might have caused such pain inside her. Why hadn't she thought about it sooner?

"You talked of nearly killing a Sith," Maria muttered. "Well, I guess I know what the reason behind my problems is." She couldn't look at the Master any longer. Because what she was about to say was something no Jedi would ever understand or tolerate. It was something that was strong against the Jedi philosophy -- something that was a Sith way of living.

"I... committed a massacre, a bloodshed. I killed hundreds of people at once. When I was already on the Light Side." She couldn't keep her eyes from releasing another set of tears, nor could she keep her eyes' irises from flashing an orange light for a moment while she said, "And I felt nothing inside when I did that."

[ [member="Corvus Raaf"] ]​

 

[Corvus Raaf]

If there was a Jedi class on how to deal with a revelation like that, Corvus must have been off that day. She couldn't help but shake her head. Not for any other reason than she had energy pent up from hearing the news and she had to dissipate it somehow.

"We are Jedi. We do not judge and we always look to the future, and redemption is always at the forefront of our minds. I am reminded of a current case. A Jedi killed a Sith in what appears to be cold blood. Now he has yet to come in and explain his actions. Some have already decided his fate and have considered the punishment. Me? I want to know why he did what he did. Did he think it was right or wrong? And if so, with the benefit of hindsight, does he feel the same way?"

"You know what to did. Your tears suggest remorse and an acceptance it was the wrong thing to do. These, the Code suggests are positive signs. Why you felt nothing is troubling. I cannot dress it up any other way and I wouldn't try to. But I am not telling you anything you don't already know. If it is possible, could you tell me more? If not, I understand. But...I was about to say regardless but that's not true. Even given what has happened, I am more interested in what happens today, tomorrow, the day after. But what happened then is important as it will help you understand what will ensure it won't happen tomorrow."

"GrandMaster Skywalker killed millions with the simple press on a button. Many would have been innocents. I'm not saying the two situations are alike but I hear nothing but praise for the man that destroyed the Death Star. Context is always relevant as is circumstance." Corvus sat back and allowed Maria some time to reflect and compose herself for her answer.

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

Maria sighed. She covered her face with both of her hands and just let the salty water pour down her face. The bitterness she felt inside, pressing onto her chest, leaving her stomach at such unease, made her feel rather uncomfortable. But there was nothing to do against it, she realised. Nothing could make her actions in the past go away. There is no such thing as resurrecting those she had killed. And the only thing she could hoped for was forgivance.

"You could be right," Maria muttered. Her voice trembled while she spoke the words, her hands muttered most of the sound and sadness distracted her.

"I don't know if I should be telling that to anybody, but maybe that brings me closer to redemption..." She removed her hands and took a deep breath before she would continue. She was about to talk about something that wrecked her inside daily and hurt her soul.

"I am a Zambrano, a member of the psychopath family. For years of my life, I was who I had to be -- a satanistic slavelady. I lived in a citadel which wore the name Arx Mortis, which literally talks about it being the citadel of death. I was a Darksider. And I loved it, I loved my cousin Kaine... and I thought everything was nice.

Until I started doubting in that way of living.

My doubt went so far that I couldn't keep myself from leaving the family and turning to the Light. I knew my dear cousin would hate me for that and I would cause him a lot of emotional trauma. After all, he had a difficult time then, many of his family members betrayed the fmaily one way or another. Me -- I left the family and decided to never ever wear my family name again.

But that was not the only thing that changed.

I decided to let go of my past and, due to my emotional state, I couldn't make logical decisions. Instead of letting my countless slaves in the Arx Mortis citadel go, I... locked them in the building, thinking there was no way slaves could start living a life of freedom, and I set it all on fire.

I walked away with sudden calmness and ease. Like I said, I felt nothing. No empathy, misery, disturbance in what I did... I felt like there was truly emptiness inside me."

Maria sighed.

"That's my story."

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus listened and as was her way, did not judge. Instead she simply gave Maria her full attention and was honest with her.

“Redemption is key here. Those that deny it would deny Vader. The man that ultimately saved Luke Skywalker. Had that particular Sith not returned to the Light-side, I doubt we’d be here now, talking about it.”

“You will live with your past actions forever. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong. Yes you could have those memories removed, but they are what make you the person you are today. As I said before, they may only be a rear-view mirror but they will ensure you don’t make the same mistake again.”

“And I know I’m banding words like mistake around like confetti. It is neither to judge you nor to shame you. But the concept of them being a mistake is yours, not mine. You did what you thought was actually was a good thing at the time. Looking back, you appear to regret your actions. I feel no emotions. When I sadly have to take a life, I feel nothing, because I hold all my emotions under lock and key. It makes me neither a good nor a bad person.”

“A Jedi is not devoid of emotions. Rather they accept them, face them and ensure they do not act upon them. I sense you are still troubled by this and we need to ensure this is some way can be put to rest. Never forgotten, but understood and resolved.”

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

Maria sighed, a little bit hurt by the woman's words, but she understood what she was trying to say. And she knew Corvus was truly right about what she spoke of.

"It sounds rather hard. To set feelings aside, but still know what tragedies one has caused..." she muttered. Then she looked at the Jedi Master and smiled. A few of the last tears still streamed down her face, leaving a visible path behind. But they seemed to stop, which was nice. "I know I must sound like an annoying teenager, but... these memories have hurt me for so long..."

She took a deep breath.

"Getting them out was what I truly needed right now."

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus nodded. “We cannot face what we cannot see. Just accepting what happened and how you felt then and now is likely the greatest step. You are a brave woman, truly brave. For to hide your emotions – like I do – is the coward’s way.”

“And the important thing to remember is that we make mistakes. Mistakes do not make us. I sense you are not simply setting your feelings aside, but rather coming to terms with them. And to dwell on them is rarely positive, so don’t believe that moving on is in some way a negative process. It is the Jedi way. Review, resolve, progress. I’m confident those actual words aren’t part of the Code or its tenets but I do believe that’s what the Code means.”

“And do not rush yourself. Today was a massive leap forwards. Even a couple of backwards steps still represents significant progress. You are a remarkable woman. To have experienced what you have and to be talking about it here.”

She smiled at Maria. “I am genuinely impressed – I mean it.”

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

"Thank you!" was all Maria could say. Her mouth couldn't take the form of any other words, her tongue seemed to be attached to the bottom of her mouth, and her throat locked so that no air would come out. It was a state she had not experienced before -- that's what she imagined being completely wordless meant.

She took a deep breath and gave her best at trying to stop this strange silence and finally say something.

"Thank you for hearing me out!" That was the moment when she thought she would take a huge step forward, towards redemption. Her heart didn't have to ache anymore. She had talked about her story with the Jedi Grandmaster Kiskla Grayson and now another Master. There was nobody she could keep this story a secret anymore. She felt like she had been freed from a cage.

The Jedi Knight released a small chuckle before continuing.

"I guess you have seen many people fall to the Dark Side and many who try to redeem themselves?"

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

Spoiler

I'm assuming at the time we started this thread, Kiskla was still the Grandmaster.

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus nodded. "Sadly many fall and many are redeemed. Too few it seems travel in the right direction. But history has notable wins and losses."

"Personally, the losses have occurred typically during Invasions. Padawans primarily. Taken by the One Sith, and the next time we see them, they're facing us on the battlefield. It's hard to face someone you've trained. But not impossible. I am a Jedi, first, foremost and only. And the day I can't do that job properly, I need to walk away. But I'll never walk away, so I intend to always do my job properly."

There was a confidence in her voice that said he meant every word. Perhaps her lack of emotion was in her favour? Or maybe it was just a coincidence? Either way, there was a steely belief coming through that she would always honour the Code - even if it meant a personal loss.

[member="Maria Natalja"]

Spoiler

She was and I almost went off-piste there. This happened before the story of both additional Raaf sisters broke

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

"I truly hope I wouldn't have to do that. It is kind of shameful to say that, but... sometimes I think Padawans are the thing One Sith are looking for the most when invading the Republic. Like you confirmed, they're the easiest to fall. I remember when they first attacked us, masses fell into the pit," Maria spoke.

"And One Sith need more people in their ranks."

She sighed. And remembered the beginning of the One Sith too well. The Invasion of Coruscant, for example. A battle she didn't fight in, but which influenced the whole galaxy once again.

"I guess I am not such a strong Jedi yet. To fight in a battle against those who have once studied under your guidance... It must be really difficult."

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus shrugged. "As cold as it sounds, we are Jedi. We need to be strong in these matters. Throughout history Jedi have fallen and often famously fought against their former Masters or friends or even family members. We try to turn them back, to capture them. To redeem them - but it is an ideal."

"I have yet to be fully tested - but I would be foolish to think the day would never come. Sooner or later it will happen. But I am a Jedi and will trust in the Force. It's all I have."

"And you are a strong person and as you trust in the Force more and more, you will grow as a Jedi. It is inevitable."

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

Maria understood. But a part of her thought being a Jedi was more ruthless and cruel than embracing the Dark. They were not allowed to feel emotions from fighting with those who they have practically raised. They were like droids who had no way of feeling anything. And it hurt the woman a little bit. Serenity and care were why she had decided to join the Order. And now it felt like they were all lies.

Maybe it was just the atmosphere or emotions that controlled the woman which had led her to think that way.

"Trust. I think I have heard that somewhere. Yet trusting the Force is difficult," she mentioned. "Just like feeling nothing. Like acting like a mindless, cold soldier."

She sighed.

"But that's for the good of the galaxy, I assume..."

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

“Remember, Jedi are not devoid of emotions. It’s a common misconception when the Code is read. We have them the same as anyone else. Exactly the same. The difference is that we are not permitted to act upon them. Does that make us seen cold and heartless? Perhaps? Our decisions are based upon what is best for the majority, not the minority. To sacrifice a loved one to save a village.”

“But we are never mindless. We are entirely accountable for out own actions. We are never above the law and any life taken is a step towards the Dark-side, only mitigated if it was genuinely the last resort and for the greater good. We are not robots who are unfeeling in our actions – we have to live with the consequences in our hearts and our minds. Nor are we Sith, who simply do what they want and spare no thought for the consequences.”

“To take the life of a friend? It can be soul-destroying and it is only our belief that it was the right thing to do – the only option left to us – that keeps us going. It is a thankless task – which is what we never ask for gratitude. We serve. We protect civilisation and democracy. We save lives.”

“I mentioned before that Master Skywalker destroyed the Death Star with millions on-board. Many would have been innocents. But how many more would have died had he not taken that act? He took that decision by setting aside emotion and acting for the greater good.”

“The Force will never let you down. In time you will learn to trust it implicitly. But it is not a simple or quick process. It takes time, patience and above all self-belief.”

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

Maria nodded. Although for a moment, she felt like the code was not exactly for her. What if she had made a wrong decision when she had come to Umbara and met Grandmaster Grayson who later took her as a Padawan? What if going away from her family was a bad idea, made just because of a sudden mood swing? Could she have been totally wrong about everything the Jedi were?

"The galaxy's a messed up place. It's difficult to take it that fighting or letting go of a friend would save others while it'll most likely destroy you in the inside... Isn't that... corrupting?" Maria wondered. "Sometimes I wonder why do people kill... Why do they have to destroy somebody on their way to reach their goal?"

She looked into the distance and breathed in as deep as she could.

"Maybe letting go of somebody close to them made them turn sides? I know many people have gone to the Dark Side because of that in the past..."

Another deep breath.

"Being a Jedi seems to mean being strong. I mean, emotionally strong. But why do people still think Sith are stronger? They just fell, didn't fight or anything. Shouldn't they be considered the weaker side?" she finished her monologue.

[ [member="Corvus Raaf"] ]