Even cold-fish need friends...

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus went from knowing nobody in the Order to most of the active Jedi in a relatively short space of time. But every now and then she'd come across a name or see a face that she didn't recognise.

And Knight Natalja was one such person. She'd heard she was once the Grandmaster's Padawan, was a former Sith and the heir to the planet of Nar Shadaa. Clearly some of those things weren't true, but which ones? So she made a conscious effort to find her fellow Jedi the next time she was on Ossus and...well Corvus wasn't sure exactly what. Find out about her? That sounded intrusive, even if it were the truth. Have a friendly chat? Except people would tell Maria that Corvus didn't do those.

Except she did - but people, in life, make assumptions. So she'd agreed to meet at the entrance to the Academy, and they could simply see where the conversation went.

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

It was not a secret or a surprise that Maria had been a Padawan to the Grandmaster herself, but that didn't matter she wouldn't feel worried when meeting any other important Jedi. And when one going by the name of Corvus Raaf wished to meet the former Sith, the woman gladly took the opportunity to find more acquaintances in the Order. But only later did she start to feel like she had made a completely wrong decision.

Maria didn't live on Ossus. She didn't live in the central Republic, but on the less known planet Umbara, which most despised because of its darkness. But the Jedi Knight loved it as it was an opportunity to remain in secret whenever it was needed. Every morning, the woman took a refreshing bath in her bathroom, then a nice cup of coffee, and when needed, she would get to any important Republic planet.

No, she didn't have anything else planned for the day, so she could have just stayed at home and tell Raaf she just forgot the meeting. But that was far from being ethical and... to be honest, she needed to meet new people. Having a Padawan was nice and knowing a few Knights and other Padawans was amazing, but something was missing. Being a Jedi didn't mean hiding in the shadows and praying to some Light Side. No, not at all.

The woman was again on Ossus, for the third day in a row. Except this time there was no need to train, no need to teach. Only meeting a Jedi Master who might even determine the Witch's fate one day. She didn't even bother to take her maroon Jedi robe with her, so she had had to take something she had in the temple, and that was a black robe. It didn't look nice with her bright red T-shirt or her black skinny jeans, but... a Jedi shouldn't have worried so much about fashion.

Maria walked towards the hallway with quick steps, her head tilted slightly too high, her automatic grimace of a queen still showing her former status (though she did try to get rid of that horrible automatic expression on her face), and her lips painted red by a mistake - she actually had forgotten she would be meeting a Jedi Master that day, so she had applied some make-up to her face in the morning.

The woman stopped in the location the two had promised to meet. A Jedi was already standing there. It had to be Corvus.

 

[Corvus Raaf]

The first word that sprung into Corvus’ mind when she saw the Jedi she’d arranged to meet was glamorous.

She didn’t know why the thought popped into her head. There were pretty and even beautiful Jedi if she thought about it – but there was something about the way Maria carried herself. She could have been wearing a stately ball-gown rather than the jeans and T-shirt she sported by the way she glided down the hallway. Yes – glided. It was the only phrase that came into her mind.

And despite the incongruity of the robe and the other garments, she carried it off. Since the age of four Corvus had worn standard issue robes. Green on Corellia and shades of brown now here on Ossus. When asked to go on a Shadow mission, she’d realised she had no clothes of her own. She had no need for them.

But times change and the girl that was rapidly becoming a woman started to notice these things in a way she never had before – and never thought she would. Could wearing something other than Jedi garb be appropriate? Acceptable? And even if it were, Corvus in a dress? Really?

As the woman approached her, Corvus was aware she was standing there, flattening the hem of her robes with the palms of her hands. Old habits and all that. So she made a conscious effort to raise her hands and bowed, smiling.

Straightening she said, “Knight Natalja I presume. You look wonderful.” If she could have face-palmed without adding to the embarrassment she would have done. Instead she felt the heat rise in her cheeks and she tried to keep as straight a face as possible. Way to go Corvus – great first impression.

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

Maria smiled. "Thank you; you look amazing, too," Maria replied to the woman, trying to make the situation less awkward and to show off her proper manners. "Indeed, Natalja. And I am hoping you are Master Raaf?" She didn't expect an answer to the question as it was already obvious she was that person. To be honest, Maria had believed the Master was more... Jedi-like? But it looked like none of the Jedi in the Order were like Jedi - the Grandmaster could have been a model, Masters are somebody who could be seen on the front pages of beauty magazines... how was it so?

The Witch didn't know whether she should continue talking or should let Corvus do that, so she just remained silent and tried to understand the proper way to continue from reading the woman's face. Obviously she couldn't tell what she saw in her face...

She then understood her own appearance was nothing like the other woman's. Corvus looked like a Jedi when it came to attire, but Maria was... odd when it came to clothing. Yes, she wore a black Jedi robe around her other clothes, but... that was not enough. She didn't have the Jedi feel on the outside. Neither did she have it inside.

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus smiled as her faux pas was covered with a show of manners that spoke volumes of Maria’s upbringing and, no doubt, her personality.

And she nodded when Maria confirmed their identities but then a small but uneasy silence followed. Was she expected to lead the conversation, as the Master? There was no topic outlined and Corvus was temporarily at a loss for what to say. She was renowned for not doing small-talk – but that was because she had been a Jedi for almost her entire life. She studied, trained, meditated and then slept. Rinse and repeat. She had precious little life experience; her now almost 20 years of life were closeted, confined.

So she decided to go where the dialogue had started and would see where that led. She shook her head with deference. “I am a Jedi. I dress like a Jedi. I look like a Jedi. My hair is the one thing I’ve changed of late. My good friend Kana was shocked by it. It used to just be pulled back in a pony-tail. I..I’m rambling now, forgive me.”

She smiled again. “It’s just…I don’t know. There’s an expectation sometimes about being a Jedi. I am, I suspect, as traditional as you get. So many others are…well individuals. Take you for example. You are a Jedi, but you are also a woman.”

“Sometimes I feel so much like a Jedi – both inside and outside, that I want to…I don’t know, break free. Don’t get me wrong. I will always be a Jedi – but of late, I just sometimes...”

“…I want to be more, well me! Am I making any sense?” She blushed again. “I suspect this wasn’t the conversation you were expecting were you? To be frank, neither was I.”

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

"I didn't expect anything," Maria spoke, smiling at the woman to make it somewhat less strange. She understood Corvus completely. Not only what she spoke of, but also what she showed off with her actions. "But you completely make sense, Master. I, too, have felt like that, though it was a lot of time ago. I was a complete member of my family, but I wanted to be something else... I wanted to be free of all of that. I adored how everybody else was okay with everything and even though I was a completely perfect Zambrano, I also wanted to express myself."

The Witch looked down at her feet and smirked. "Maybe it's not exactly the same. But I guess it's somewhat similar." She looked at the Jedi Master again. It was disrespectful to talk to a higher ranking Jedi without looking at the person. "I still have a problem with that, though. Now it's the exact opposite - I am too free to be a good Jedi."

"Now we're getting really personal. But that's alright with me."

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus felt relieved and it leaked in her body language. Her ram-rod stance softened and she smiled and shook her head slightly.

“Well that could have gone one of two ways!” There was something about Maria that put her at ease. It felt far less Jedi to Jedi and more like…the way she was with her best friend Kana Truden. Sure they grew up as Padawans together here on Ossus and Kana was a Knight destined to become a Master, but they were able to mix personal and Jedi matters seamlessly. But with everyone else the relationship was cordial. Business-like. One Jedi to another. That was in no small way due to Corvus’ own personality – her natural empathy meant she kept barriers up all of the time for fear of being overwhelmed by emotions. She was best known as the book-worm. Less favourably as the cold-fish.

But something inside of her told her that needed to change. Her new role could run the risk of making her even less accessible and that – just from an Academy point of view – just wouldn’t do. And it wouldn’t do for Corvus either. No man (or woman for that matter) is an island and Kana had already hinted her future might mean she spent less and less time on Ossus.

Maria’s lack of expectations were refreshing. But one thing needed to be said. “When I came here, I called everyone Padawan this or Master that. I always found addressing Knights sounded odd. And I used to look oddly at Masters who preferred to be called by their name. But now I get it. Formality for introductions feels right but you calling me Master all the time feels so wrong. For one it seems too formal. For another, we are all Jedi. None are above any other. We may be on a different part of the path, but we are all on the same path. And in many ways you will be ahead of me. So, what I’m trying to say so clumsily is…please call me Corvus and can I call you Maria?”

And she thought on Maria’s last words again. “Perhaps we need to help each other out? To find the middle-ground between being a Jedi and a being person. You can show me how I express myself and I can say what I think about being a Jedi. That might just work, eh?”

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

"I am okay with that," Maria spoke after Corvus' proposal to call each other by first names. Indeed, she herself just loved using somebody's first name. Calling somebody by their title and last name were sometimes rather difficult and she just couldn't understand why that was even a standard in the Jedi Order. Yes, it made sense where the woman had been before becoming a Jedi, but... now it was something she had a hard time adapting to.

Then Corvus proposed another thing the Jedi Knight was rather alright with. It was strange for her to think that she would help a Master; teach them something. It was typically the other way round and Maria rarely heard of a lower ranking member of the Order teaching a higher ranking one. Though she had to admit - she had not been a Jedi for long so she couldn't know everything about them. The fact that she was promoted to Knight was a bit surprising to herself because of that one reason.

"I would love to help you at finding yourself. And I absolutely need some help at becoming a true Jedi. Now that I am a master to a Padawan, there is no way that I could remain the way I used to when I was still a Padawan, myself." She spoke. "But maybe we should head somewhere else?"

Maria knew there were many places in the Academy where they could head to, but she thought letting the Master decide on that was a bit fairer than choosing the place herself.

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus was starting to settle down. Her unusual and frankly out of character start to the conversation hadn’t scared Maria off and so she begun to relax.

“You know the Master-Padawan relationship was always intended to be a two-way thing. Respect goes both ways and a Master should always be eager to learn from their Padawans. I’ve learned a lot from mine – even in the short time-frame I’ve had them. New perspectives, new ways to apply things. It’s vanity for a Knight or a Master to believe they know it all.”

“And I’d really appreciate the help as well as giving advice too. It’s not like there’s a holocron in the library that prepares you for taking on a Padawan. I know, because I’ve looked.” Corvus smiled widely at Maria.

“Now is there somewhere in particular you’d like to go? You’re the guest here today, so please pick somewhere you like best.” Corvus had a warm feeling about this and her nerves from only a few minutes ago were now distant memories.

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

That was... interesting. Maria had often seen Masters who don't learn anything from those lower in rank than they themselves. And seeing Corvus truly wanting to learn something from the Knight was rather strange. That was definitely not something she had prepared herself for. Yes, she could teach the woman how to express her true self, but what if she was completely wrong about being a living being? Maybe she was so caught up in the illusion of freedom that she didn't even realise she herself didn't live a good life.

"In the gardens... I would like to go to the gardens..." Maria answered the woman's question quickly with nearly no thought but into the reply. That was the very first place on Ossus she remembered just out of her heart. And that was actually a cool place in her opinion.

She only hoped it was that in Corvus' opinion, too.

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus smiled. "I'm so glad you said that." And she led the way to a part of the garden that was often overlooked but none the less beautiful.

And as she walked, she glanced at the block of reflective transparisteel that housed the Garden Level. Similar to the Room of a Thousand Fountains on Coruscant, the room housed Ossan plants and waterfalls. Passing the Clarity Gate, a trapezoid shaped arch that fronted a courtyard decorated with a fountain that formed the entrance to the grounds, she paused a few seconds to meditate (as was customary) before passing into the rest of the complex.

And now they started the final part of her journey through the academy grounds, down a winding and meandering path known as the Crooked Way. Past shrubbery and vistas the path was designed to force visitors to slow down and concentrate on the gardens. Jedi never believed on rushing. It was almost a mantra now that a Jedi is never late. They always arrive at precisely the time they planned to. At least that’s what Master Kian Karr used to say. She never truly believed him.

Finally Corvus indicated a bench that was set back slightly from the path. Unless you looked for it, you wouldn't know it was there and it afforded the prettiest views in the whole of the grounds.

"Thank you for indulging me. If I ever need to be alone, truly alone, this is where I come."

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

"That's a nice place over here. I think I may have never even sat here before," Maria said while taking a seat. It was a nice view at everything around them and she thought for a moment that she might have just found her favourite place in the whole Ossus Academy. Yes, some training rooms were about as good, the room Maria called a 'sunrise hall', but this place here was fantastic.

"But what shall we start with?" she asked then, after having taken a look at the gardens. Nature was something Maria had always loved, especially when she had got away from her Crystalsong home when she could finally enjoy some colourful, green nature, instead of the blue crystalline formations on the planet she lived on before becoming a Jedi.

Umbara, the planet where Maria lived now, didn't have much nature, either, but the little it had was at least a bit more enjoyable than looking at blue crystals one could never use for anything useful. And since the woman spent most of her time on Ossus, anyway, it was not a bad thing to live on a dark planet. It erased the strange need Maria had for a despression-like feeling.

Yes, Maria wanted to feel depressed sometimes.

But not now.

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus smiled and did her best to relax. Walking had allowed her to avoid the topic - and although it was of her choosing, she wasn't sure how to start what was, for her, a thorny subject.

So she began on safe ground. "I suppose for me, I live my life as a Jedi. I never think of myself as a woman. I mean, I serve the Republic, I honour the Code. I train Padawans. It doesn't feel as if there's any room in my life for anything else. Or perhaps I don't want to find time for anything else. Am I making any any sense?" There was openness written across her face but the wrinkle in her brow suggested she was troubled by what she might find out when she started to dig a little deeper.

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

"You make perfect sense. In fact, you are rather easy to understand," Maria spoke. "I've heard that people sometimes try to keep themselves too busy with responsibilities when they have something to hide about their personal life, or when they're too scared to live that life. But I suppose it isn't a thing in your case?" She not used all the psychological things she had heard about, not matter whether they were actually true or not. She was no psychologist, but a Jedi. She had no other education.

"Or is it?"

Maria started to wonder. She didn't know too much about the other woman, nor did she think she was good at getting deep into other people, but this time, she felt like there was something so familiar about Corvus. Not only something the two had in common, but something Maria maybe subconsciously knew but couldn't think of right now.

She tried to focus on that, but it was difficult. She had to practice meditation more to achieve such easiness in subconsciousness. If that was possible at all.

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus was heartened by Maria’s words. Easy to understand suggests that advice was forthcoming.

Corvus was sure she wasn’t keeping herself busy to avoid anything in her personal life - but the phrase felt uncomfortable to listen to. She was reminded of a time recently and thoughts that surfaced when presented with a strong emotional stimulus. They say you can only be loved if you love yourself - and perhaps that was where part of her problem lay.

Did Maria sense something? Did she know something? “What makes you say that? I mean, is it normal to be scared of being a person?” Even saying it out loud sounded odd to her. Goodness knows how it sounded to Maria.

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

"I don't know if that truly is the matter, but... I have seen people force their own person - as you say - down because of fear. I remember I have had a similar situation. I had to act as a Darksider, as a loyal member of my family, to stay alive. But deep inside, I was feeling like I hate the Dark Side. So I took so much different responsibilities on me, I didn't let my true self come out for once. Because I was afraid that if I don't do anything, I will lose control over hiding myself and I might express myself. I had to act, but I knew I couldn't play a Darksider if I had time for myself."

Maria looked down at her feet. These were the dark times under Kaine's rule. She remembered how difficult it was for her not to just become herself.

"I have also noticed people who are scared to be themselves because of a different, yet similar reason. It's responsibilities. Some people don't want to be themselves because they know that if they were who they really are, they would collapse. They know they are not a true material for what they have to do - being a Jedi, for example - so they don't let themselves have time for anything other than doing what they have to. They force themselves down because they fear they are not perfect. Because they fear themselves."

Maria looked up again, into the eyes of Corvus. She was talking a little bit too much.

"I am no psychologist, but I've heard of such things and I've noticed such things. Again, I don't know if this is a matter in your case. But what we should do is take a deeper look inside you to figure out why you have become a perfect Jedi who doesn't... or can't... let herself take over her body."

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus drew in a deep breath. Maria's words seemed alien yet familiar. Irrelevant yet true.

"I have always wanted to be a Jedi. Not the best Jedi, just a good one. I never wanted to stand out from the crowd. But lately I fear I have become something more. I have been gaining attention and I have found it disturbing. Boys seem to show interest and I find that...shows a lack of respect. I am a Jedi, not a girlfriend. Aren't I? I can't be both, or at least, that's what I believe. Do you understand this? How do you view...you know...the opposite sex?"

She looked at Maria - clearly a woman with experiences outside of the Order and wondered what she thought of the cold-fish sitting in front of her.

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

Things were getting interesting. Very interesting.

"I understand you now," Maria said calmly, a bit coldly even. "It's a difficult matter -- all the relationships and whatnot. Before I became a Jedi, that was a long time ago, I had a bit of a relationship with a master I had. It may sound a bit strange indeed, but the padawan-master relationship we have here is not quite what the dark side has."

"Anyways... Then I understood nothing about a person's personality. All that I was attracted to was their body. Now I see people only by their characters. The appearance they have is unimportant. I am not a traditionalist, you can tell. I think having a relationship with one doesn't mean you are a horrible person and shouldn't be a Jedi, but I see it as a way to express your serenity."

She tried to find the right words to speak of what she had in mind now. It was difficult to speak about her own opinions when it came to something so important, but she had to try. Everything you start, you have to finish.

"I think that if you love a person for their... body... it is more of a passion type of relationship. If you love them for what's in the inside, it's serenity, I guess."

[ [member="Corvus Raaf"] ]​

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus was unsure if she’d offended Maria. Her tone was cooler than before, but her words flowed and Corvus latched on to these. And her fears were realised. Corvus was an oddity. Everyone else seemed able to be both a person and a Jedi, it was she that was the joker in the pack. All those boys she’d spurned thinking they were the callous ones, not affording her the right to be a Jedi – first, foremost and only.

Maria’s words made sense and they had basis in the Code. But two things couldn’t compute for Corvus and she felt the need to vocalise them.

Looking at the ground in front of them, she spoke. ”I am traditional in the aspect of having no attachments. I have not seen my parents or my siblings since I was four. I was raised on Corellia. There we can stay at home and attend the Academy if we wish. Jedi are allowed to marry. I decided – even at that young age – to devote my life to the Order. To leave home and never see my family again. My early view of the Code said that my family could be used against me. My love for them could prove a leverage that the Sith could exploit. To get me to act in their interests and not in the greater good.”

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “I do not even know if they are alive or dead. I may yet have other siblings I do not know about. Even I, sitting here listening to myself, can hear how cold that sounds.”

“I was on a mission recently and a Jedi I respect greatly shared a secret with me. How they’d loved and lost. I feel guilty even now when I think of it. When I should have shown compassion for my friend instead I thought of myself. And do you know what I thought?”

Now she looked directly at Maria, tears welling in her eyes. ”I do not love myself. And if I can’t love me, what right has anyone else to love me?”

[member="Maria Natalja"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

Maria could see the pain in Corvus's eyes. It hurt to hear such things, actually having to go through all of that could be times worse. She herself had been raised in luxury, she had had so much love, and never had to feel such terrible feelings like losing somebody dear to her. Especially when it came to relationships.

The Jedi Knight wanted to reply, she really wanted to say something to comfort the Master. But she couldn't. Her brain was out of thoughts to think, mouth out of words to say. Her tongue was numb, lips were glued together, she couldn't make a noise. Because everything which she could have said would have made the situation only worse.

So instead, she decided to look down, on something neutral. Neutrality was something she needed now. To think, to set emotions aside and let thoughts take over. Clear mind was something a Jedi was supposed to have and she could finally see why it was so important to let go of these demonic emotions. Feelings made one lose all logical thinking.

Maria was an empath. If there was ever anybody crying right next to her, she soon started doing the same; if anybody was feeling happy around her, she followed. And this time, her heart felt like beating out of her chest, her stomach told her it was a horrible situation, and her mind wanted her to start crying.

But she didn't. Not this time. Not a single drop, not even a sound. A force-sensitive like Corvus would really understand what struggles Maria faced right now, what battles she fought in the inside. It was not the dark side in her taking over again, but it was close to that.

"None," she finally whispered an answer to the Master's question. She felt her eyes getting wet. She felt sorry for the woman sitting right next to her.

[ [member="Corvus Raaf"] ]​