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Evad's RP coaching [Sargon Vynea]

Evasion Studios
Character
Greetings. Welcome to RP Training. From here on out, my OOC instructions and comments will be written between the following brackets:
(( ))

If you have any questions, feel free to raise them in your own post, or amend them to your responses, but please use similar brackets to distinguish them from your IC text.

[SIZE=9pt]Your training begins now:[/SIZE]

[SIZE=16pt]1)[/SIZE][SIZE=9pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=9pt]BIOGRAPHY[/SIZE]

[SIZE=9pt](( [/SIZE][SIZE=9pt]It is recommended that all posts, whether in this training or elsewhere, be in third person, past tense. It is also recommended that all posts be written like a story, with actions and descriptions in plain text, and speech in quotation marks. Other formats can be difficult to read, detract from the content of your post, and may difficult for others to follow. It is my personal recommendation that you use color to show when you are talking. It is very easy to read. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=9pt]But before we start training, I would like you to post your character background story. Go into as much detail as you can. This is very important, because every character needs to know where they come from, and what type of person they are. Once you have posted your background, we will proceed to part two.[/SIZE][SIZE=9pt] ))[/SIZE]


[SIZE=9pt]@[member="Sargon Vynea"][/SIZE]
 

Sargon Vynea

Spencer's guard unicorn
Writer
Its said the sins of a father follow a son, but sometimes it is their greatest act of nobility which haunts them. Sargon's earliest memories are of Iridonia a long lost home which will always hold a place of longing in his heart. A fantasy of a home which he remembers his family whole and happy his father traveling frequently on business trips but his his attention was always quite lavish during his time home. Those memories are almost a fantasy to him and the truth had long been clouded in his head by the fantasy.

However close his memories and reality were they all came crashing down during his early childhood in a cataclysm of violence. His memories of that night come in nightmares for most of the rest of his life. The sudden sound of shouting as his father awoke Sargon and his older brother. He remembered his voice at that moment so clearly there was an authority to it he hadn't been aware his father possessed. It was calm so he awoke not to panic but his in clear thought as he moved to change clothes. He couldn't remember the exact words anymore as his young sleepy mind slowly began to sort through information but the sound of his voice at that moment never left him.

The rest was a whirlwind of movement and confusion as Sargon left with his father to buy supplies. They arrived back home with their speeder packed the sun just beginning to show across the horizon. Nothing looked touched but he could feel the tension in his father as they stopped. They never got out of the speeder but there was no need to he saw the truth in his father's eyes.

Sargon spent the rest of his childhood on the move his father bought a small freighter and took up work as a merchant. All the while he attempted to raise Sargon as best he could teaching him the same training him in combat as his father had taught him and raised him up as close to tradition as he could. Sargon grew up happy though the mystery of what happened followed him any attempt to bring it up was quickly countered by his father.

The past always follows a step behind however and in his twentieth year he returned to his father's ship to find it deserted. He could could feel it even as he stood before the ship as it rested in the hanger. There was simply something off something tangible at the edge of his sight. It was the feeling he remembered from so long ago. The ship was empty and seemingly undisturbed until he walked into his father's room. The walls were covered in small cuts that still glowed from the heat that had cut them so smoothly and precisely. That was the only answer he had to mysteries of that night and his youth. The marks left behind of a lightsaber and from the look of the patterns and depth of the cuts the came from opposite angles, it had been a duel.

Sargon spent the next years taking up work in security which gradually lead him to small time mercenary work. As the work became more illegal then legal the money increased and those few who knew him would never imagine the things he was willing to do for credits. He had made a simple choice somewhere in his mind. It was just good business.
 
Evasion Studios
Character
(( You are off to a very good start. The thoughts flow well to the next, and you put in some good imagery that you want the reader to picture and ponder. The theme follows and tracks throughout the story, and it progresses at a good pace without a lot of holes in the plot. There is however, one thing that I would address with the structure and format of your writing.

In these six paragraphs there is not a single comma. This makes it rather difficult to read not knowing where to pause, or how to link many things. Commas are used in various ways in writing, and are necessary to make the sentences flow correctly. Commas are found in lists, joining items together, in the separation of clauses, after certain adverbs like however, or therefore or nevertheless, before parenthetical statements, between adjectives, and before quotes. If you do not have these commas it makes paragraphs become jumbled together. For an example read the same paragraph, (below) where commas are not used. ))

"Firstly in these six paragraphs there is not a single comma. This makes it rather difficult to read not knowing where to pause or how to link many things. Commas are used in various ways in writing and are necessary to make the sentences flow correctly. Commas are found in lists joining items together in the separation of clauses after certain adverbs like however or therefore or nevertheless before parenthetical statements between adjectives and before quotes. If you do not have these commas it makes paragraphs become jumbled together. For an example read the same paragraph (below) where commas are not used."

(( One of the best tools to use in order to effectively use commas is read out-loud what you have written, and wherever you normally pause in your speech; add a comma at that point. This make take some practice if you are not use to it. Another avenue to explore would be to take what you write and put it into a word processor, such as Microsoft Word, Works, Office.org, or word-pad. These programs have auto correct features which can aide you in grammar and spelling. ))

[SIZE=16pt]2. SETTING THE SCENE[/SIZE]

[SIZE=9pt](([/SIZE][SIZE=9pt] The training section consists of a number of situations for you to describe . Unless otherwise stated, these situations do not follow on from one to the next. You will be told what are you are expected to focus on in which section. [/SIZE]In description and tone, you must focus entirely on the describing the scene set before you and establishing a tone to the area. Do not worry about combat just yet, but you will be doing un-moderated and moderated combat later on. Do not react the scene, but rather place your character in the scene and describe what it is like.


A hint for this would be to focus on your five senses. Sight, Hearing, Taste, Touch, and Smell. ))

Scene 1: [SIZE=9pt] You find yourself in a large open [/SIZE]bazaar[SIZE=9pt] or marketplace that is swimming with people from all over the Galaxy. The atmosphere and mood varies with every stall and shop you pass. People of every caste and status brush by you in the throng of sentients. Salesmen from their tents and hovels push products in your face as you pass by eager to siphon credits from you for their life's work. The ground is dusty and clouds of the soft clay billow up as the foot traffic continues. Afternoon clouds have rolled in and suddenly thunder cracks in the heavens as a sudden rain shower pours down.[/SIZE]

@[member="Sargon Vynea"]
 

Sargon Vynea

Spencer's guard unicorn
Writer
The planetary bazaar brought a sense of nostalgia to Sargon. He'd spent many pleasant hours as a young man with his father in such places. His father was never the merchant type hawking simply wasn't his thing. Trading though a trader was as much an adventurer as a businessman. Hunting down the rarest goods and best markets in the ever changing galaxy. They could always find the best profit in places like these though. Someone who simply didn't know what he had or a collector of the odd and rare who couldn't help but pay some ridiculous price.

He felt even more pleased with it though as he smelled the aromas in the air. A dozen alien delicacies brought together in his nose, it was enough to make his mouth water. This wasn't to say Sargon allowed himself to lower his guard or leave himself open. His military uniform would normally give pause to the simple ruffians, but the well loved blaster rifle strung across his shoulder would give real toughs pause. It would however draw more attention for those looking to hire the unscrupulous. Sargon had sold his time to a dozen such individuals. Some just needed to look tough for a meeting, others extra security for a shipment, and the most lucrative were looking to buy a piece of your soul. He wondered in all honesty how much of his soul was still his own. He'd never considered himself an evil man or even bad, but when you made an agreement you went through with it.

Besides such contracts are what lead him to this new life of a professional soldier he now found himself in. He smirked softly as he his ears caught the sound of a merchant calling out to him his hands waving to the pretty baubles he sold. Sargon didn't even bother with housing as he moved where the Legion sent him, so what was the point of decorations? On the other hand he was quite certain he saw a very illegal modified pistol he'd have been more then happy to look at.

Anything could be found in a bazaar like these and sometimes you came across a prize. The houses all leaned into one another the walls slowly deteriorating. Half the shops were simply brightly colored tents and overturned crates as tables. Which meant this is where you came when you wanted to buy something unsavory, or cheap. Which was the problem with that blaster, it could be a piece of junk abused by a dozen toughs who didn't realize its potential. Modified incorrectly they'd have killed it already, or worse it could blow up in his hand.

He was however less then pleased to note the growth of clay deposits all over his armor. It would be baked in, but at least he'd strapped his weapon to his shoulder so it wouldn't be as bad. Feigning interest in an a hip holster Sargon checked the pistol over looking for any obvious signs of tampering. The holster was a cheap piece and the merchant eyed him over but kept his attention on a more promising customers. Even as he settled his mind on checking the piece over a loud crack broke over the noise of the crowd. The sarcastic smirk rose on Sargon's lips again as he noted that wet clay could be as difficult as dry to clean.
 
Evasion Studios
Character
(( Well done! I see that you did take my advice and place commas into this response. There were still a few occasions you would want to use them, but all is well. From what I've seen so far though, I'm not entirely sure where you would actually need additional coaching. So please, tell me what are the areas that you struggle with, or that you think you need tips and guidance in. ))

@[member="Sargon Vynea"]​
 

Sargon Vynea

Spencer's guard unicorn
Writer
((OOC: i've always felt a bit rough in writing conversations between character. Been a few years since I've written for a character so figured it also be good for knocking off rust))
 
Evasion Studios
Character
(( Sorry that I haven't replied yet. I forgot that I had two of these going or else I would of replied. Also, best way to get my attention if I'm not responding is to tag me. The notifications go straight to my email and thus to my phone which I check often. So you're looking to do some character interactions. We can certainly work on that. I will skip to the interaction section as you seem to have no issue with description and character story.

One thing I would mention, is that the board likes to see avatars. It gives us a sense of your character that words just cannot capture aptly. Do you have a picture in mind, or have you not found a way to upload it? I could help with that if you need some. ))

3. Interaction

(( This phase in training will deal with how you interact with people, mainly PCs (playable characters). For this exercise I will post, and then you will respond to this. This is still not going to be about combat, as that will happen later in this training. Simply react to what my post talks about, and interact with my character. For purposes of this exercise, I will assume the role of various NPCs that I create at random. Remember that you do not control PCs and must adapt to how they act. ))

Scene: A large spire on the floating city above the gas giant Bespin. Iinside the spire at the tallest point is a briefing room that has been refurnished into a dark yet elegant conference area where you enter for an interview with a shadowy business figure. A dark oak conference table lengthwise pits you against the shadowed man who has a single datapad sitting infront of him. The muted skyline is seen behind him through a large bay window, giving the only light aside from dimly lit bulbs on the walls and a small decoration in the middle of the table. You are here for an interview.

(( Make the first move. ))

@[member="Sargon Vynea"]​
 

Sargon Vynea

Spencer's guard unicorn
Writer
The room had the feel Sargon had grown used to with meetings like this. It was either done by two different types,and depending on which one he was faced with this interview was already over. The first was the more ridiculous of the two he felt some minor crime boss who thought the smoke and mirror routine made him look impressive. The other was someone who had a legitimate face for the rest of the universe and simply had a strong preference on privacy. The second was a business man and Sargon understood business, but the prior were simply dangerous due to their nature of over reaching.

As such Sargon had come dressed for the business man he hoped this employer to be. He wore a black hand tailored suit and a dark purple button under the three button jacket which he vainly th@[member='Evad'], ought matched his eyes. The jacket was left open and loose so he could quickly reach his weapons tucked neatly away inside of it. The ensemble didn't draw attention that said armed and dangerous, but he hoped it spoke of a sharper mind than the usual gun for hire.

“I understand you have a problem and are in need of a fixer. I believe I have the appropriate tools to complete whatever problem is plaguing you. First, though there are some things you should know about me. I'm a business man and once I've agreed to a contract it will be done within the terms guaranteed. I require all accounts to be paid in credits no use leave an electronic trail to either of us. I'm a professional and while I do take satisfaction in my work I'm don't get.. distracted shall we say easily.”

((OOC: Not a problem... I'll attempt that @ thing not really sure if I'm right on the how but I'll attempt it. PS: Eh I haven't even honestly looked for an avatar at all.... not even sure where to began looking for one))
@[member="Evad"]
 
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