Evad's RP Coaching [Listeri Dalane]

[Evad]

Greetings. Welcome to RP Training. From here on out, my OOC instructions and comments will be written between the following brackets:
(( ))

If you have any questions, feel free to raise them in your own post, or amend them to your responses, but please use similar brackets to distinguish them from your IC text.

[SIZE=9pt]Your training begins now:[/SIZE]

[SIZE=16pt]1)[/SIZE][SIZE=9pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=9pt]BIOGRAPHY[/SIZE]

[SIZE=9pt](( [/SIZE][SIZE=9pt]It is recommended that all posts, whether in this training or elsewhere, be in third person, past tense. It is also recommended that all posts be written like a story, with actions and descriptions in plain text, and speech in quotation marks. Other formats can be difficult to read, detract from the content of your post, and may difficult for others to follow. It is my personal recommendation that you use color to show when you are talking. It is very easy to read. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=9pt]But before we start training, I would like you to post your character background story. Go into as much detail as you can. This is very important, because every character needs to know where they come from, and what type of person they are. Once you have posted your background, we will proceed to part two. Please note, as you have more than one character, feel free to pick any character you wish to describe.[/SIZE][SIZE=9pt] ))[/SIZE]

[member="Listeri Dalane"]

 

[Listeri Dalane]

(( I guess I will do the one I am currently using, and on the colored text, I do use that, but I will forget on mainly this account. ))​

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Listeri Dalane, is a person that frankly shouldn't exist. His father was bounty hunter working for a small time pirate named Trixel " Sunrider " Karston, who operated by pirating the chaotic area around the Pacanth Reach. Zarr Dalane, was someone who was looking for a small amount of cash to get out of the Reach and to get back to his homeworld of Ord Mantell. So, when Trixel put up a notice looking for a bounty hunter, Zarr quickly jumped on the offer. He was hired to eliminate a Coruscanti smuggler, named Leia Jarken. Named after the famous hero of the Rebellion, the woman was a upper-class citizen who used to work for Trixel as a insider to the workings of the rich, until the she killed half of his squad after having moral problems with the squad violently murdering a colony of Bothans.​

​

Zarr managed to track Leia down to Corellia, yet instead of killing her, he fell in love with her. Zarr wasn't someone who usually thought with his head, and quickly grew tired of the woman. But in the first couple of days the man knew her, they conceived what would eventually be the smuggler Listeri Dalane. Zarr regretted meeting her, but didn't want to have to kill what would be his son. So, he stuck around until the baby was born, and then went on to contact Trixel. The pirate had searched many worlds for the bounty hunter, and was about to kill him, when Zarr offered an interesting deal:​

Allow Zarr and the baby to live on Pacantha, and kill Leia.​

​

Trixel agreed, and Leia was quickly killed. However Zarr had one last trick up his sleeve, and managed to escape off Pacantha to Ord Mantell. As Listeri grew up, he lived a rather uneventful childhood, as he resided in a small village on the coast. But as he reached his teenage years, Trixel was back. The aging pirate wanted revenge on Zarr despite the long time after his betrayal, so he had a Rodian spy plant a bomb near Listeri's home. One morning, as Zarr went to visit the bar to get a quick drink, it exploded, giving a mortal wound to the man. Listeri, horrified, ran out and visited his dying father.​

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Zarr, knowing he didn't have long to live, told Listeri the story of how he met Leia and about Trixel and his gang. Listeri was disgusted, and in an action he would deeply regret, he left his father dying in the bar. Soon afterwards, determined to make a name for himself, Listeri left Ord Mantell for the galaxy at large. He quickly came under the wing of the Hutt Kiron, and in a sick mirror of his mother's story, he betrayed the crime lord. Listeri didn't feel right about tricking and killing people all across the Mid Rim, so he led Kiron's men into a set-up by the Republic, quickly decimating his men.​

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Listeri vanished for a couple of months, trying to keep a low profile to avoid Kiron's wrath, but he didn't avoid it forever. While visiting Ord Mantell, a pair of bounty hunters intercepted his XS Light Freighter, and damaged it heavily. Fearing for his life, Listeri fled into the engineering bay, which the bounty hunters didn't check. However, the fire from the other ship had damaged the freighter so badly, that a fuel pipe ruptured, scarring Listeri and damaging his lungs from the inhaled smoke. The bounty hunters found him when they came to the near-destroyed area, and brought him down to his homeworld.​

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However, after healing up, the bounty hunters tried to take him to Kiron, but he managed to trick them into another trap, as he managed to change their coordinates and send them straight for a Protectorate patrol. Now, finally managing to elude Kiron, he left now hoping to help the people of the galaxy.​

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[member=Evad]​

 

[Evad]

(( Well kark it all, that is some story. Zarr kind of caught me by surprise there - having no remorse to kill the mother of his child after birth. Brutal. Anyway, that's a great start, and you gave a lot of details there. A few things though, that I would point out about the story, and some of the circumstances of the current board.

1.) You bio (which I had to search for) tells a slightly different story and circumstances than you listed here. Since the bio is under your writer account, I would suggest making a new one that is up to date with your character account. It'll be easier to track down that way.

2.) One of the things I see in your writing style is a lack of real emotional content. It has a lot of action, a lot of movement and several characters. However, like in any good novel, when characters are introduced, there's usually some background about their psyche, their emotions, and their personality placed in there. It seasons the main course if you will excuse the metaphor. A multi-dimensional character is one who feels, thinks, acts, and reacts. That's why we fall in love with well written, and well conceived characters. I'll endeavor to help you work on this as we progress.

3.) One question I'm curious to know is that with all the things he's seen thus far in his life - and with all the scrapes he's had to endure, what is his motivation to do any good in the Galaxy aside from protecting his own skin? ))

(( Also a note about the board and the notification system. Sometime ago, the ability to have email notify writers about responses, messages and the like was removed as it was causing the board to blow up. Now we have only the notification options in the main menu at the top right, and if we dig through our 'followed' posts we can see some responses. Whatever method you've been employing to tag me with any of your characters has not been successful. I wanted to take a moment to show two ways that have not failed me in tagging people since the change was made.

1.) The Mention Button

This feature here is one of the best ways to automatically mention someone in a post. Just click that area, and it will auto-populate a mention for the character. Now this can be a bit deceiving however, as it's not always foolproof. Sometimes once the post is saved you might see something that looks like @Evad without anything being a colored link. That means the mention did not work, and it will not send information to them. If it however shows up as just the name (i.e.) Evad as a colored text, and you can drag your mouse over it and it shows their status on the board, then it most likely worked.

2.) Syntax Tagging

Syntax tagging, or hard code tagging is the method I normally prefer. It's manual - it takes more time, but it has -never- failed me when done properly. I strongly recommend making sure that you only use these two methods of tagging. Any other variation (like copy and paste) may -look- like you did it right, but it still sends nothing to the writer. The syntax is as follows: ))


[member="name"]
2.) SETTING THE SCENE


(( The training section consists of a number of situations for you to describe. Unless otherwise stated, these situations do not follow on from one to the next. You will be told what are you are expected to focus on in which section. In description and tone, you must focus entirely on the describing the scene set before you and establishing a tone to the area. Do not worry about combat, dialogue, or NPC/PC interaction just yet, but you will be doing un-moderated and moderated interaction later on. Do not react to the scene, but rather place your character in the scene and describe what it is like.


A hint for this would be to focus on your five senses. Sight, Hearing, Taste, Touch, and Smell. As well if your character if Force sensitive - you can draw on that too. ))



Scene 1: You find yourself in a large open bazaar or marketplace that is swimming with people from all over the Galaxy. The atmosphere and mood varies with every stall and shop you pass. People of every caste and status brush by you in the throng of sentients. Salesmen from their tents and hovels push products in your face as you pass by eager to siphon credits from you for their life's work. The ground is dusty and clouds of the soft clay billow up as the foot traffic continues. Afternoon clouds have rolled in and suddenly thunder cracks in the heavens as a sudden rain shower pours down.


[member="Listeri Dalane"]

 

[Listeri Dalane]

(( I'm trying to get a new bio up, as I am dissatisfied with the original. Emotion has always been my weak spot, as I came from a site centered around Nations, which didn't require emotion. I just came up with that on the spot, so I'm still working out the kinks. ))​

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To Listeri, the bazaar is a sensory overload.​

​

In the main road, the air is thick with smoke. Patrons stood lined up against the wall, lighting cigars and puffing into the crowd of passerby in the middle. The sound of coughing seems to come from all directions, as many of the people glare at the smokers. There were literal piles of ash on the ground, blackening the brown clay. As the street grows wider and wider, the cloud of smoke slowly dissipated, and the rows of smokers were replaced by a diverse group of vendors, many of them selling rotten fruit. The smell is disgusting, as the slimy and wet food fall to the ground, many of the being stepped on with a sickening crunch. In the middle stands a Bothan, wearing a crisp, black suit. He's holding a small bottle filled with a dull, brown liquid. The man shouts about some miracle medicine, that will heal immunity problems in a week. Most of the crowd ignores him, but on occasion a rotten fruit would be tossed upon the small box he was standing on, staining his shiny shoes.​

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The road slowly turns around, as a series of shops remain at the end of the street. One is a grocery store, selling various exotic meats and rare herbs for high prices. The door is just a curtain, and as one rather filthy human walked through, the Rodian clerk began violently cussing at him, yelling about the value of the curtain alone. The man rushes out, as the Rodian precedes to check the curtain for stains. Across the street, a jovial Neimodian with a significant girth heartily welcomes the customers entering his store. He reeks of alcohol, and the Rodian looks at him nervously, smelling the stench from across the road. The Neimodian begins coughing, as a small wisp of dust is sent spiraling into the air because of the wind.​

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Yup', sensory overload.​

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[member=Evad]​

 

[Evad]

(( I will first make you aware that whatever method you tried to use for mentioning me in this response, it did not get to my notification bar. I'm not sure what process you're using, but if you did indeed use either the mention feature of the site, or the syntax method I described above, neither worked. I would suggest at this juncture to consult an admin about your collective accounts, and find out what is going on, because that is certainly not normal. ))

(( Now, onto the main event. One of the critical things you want to make sure you do, is never assume that when you read a setting, or a description, that you have taken it all in on the first pass. This is especially true when reading a lot of information, but it can happen with a little bit as well. I am often going back and discovering things I missed when I first read through a post. You can miss crucial details if you don't glance over it a second or even a third time. In this instance, you had missed the last part of the setting (or at least never referred to it). The last sentence of the scene for instance:

Afternoon clouds have rolled in and suddenly thunder cracks in the heavens as a sudden rain shower pours down.

Obviously you can see how this would of greatly changed the circumstances and added in a lot of other things to describe. Aside from that oversight, I really enjoyed the detail you went into. You took artistic liberties here, and it paid off. Since there was no actual mention of the state of the bazaar, you went with more a gritty, grimy and unpleasant atmosphere. You did follow expertly the instructions, as you weren't interacting, you were simply observing, and narrating the situation. You did well, and went into detail. This is a good ability to be able to describe a scene so that the readers can picture it as you see it. That is how we read as humans, we read a description and the image comes alive in our minds, transporting us to another time, another place, another atmosphere.

Remember though to focus on things of detail and work on going over them a time or two to make sure that you got everything you were supposed to. Give it a try with this next scene.))

Scene 2: [SIZE=9pt] You awake to find that the ship you've been riding in is very different now since you went to sleep. Most of the lights have ceased to function, and those that are flickering noisily. Gravity is no longer regimented, and various objects float in mid-air. The atmosphere is still breathable, but thin, and on [/SIZE]occasion[SIZE=9pt] a bath of red light will illuminate the passenger cabin for a warning of a system malfunction. And there's something in the shadows every once in a while darting back and forth. Whether it is outside or inside the cabin is hard to tell when the shadows mix with poor lighting. Something has gone horribly wrong.[/SIZE]

[member="Listeri Dalane"]​

 

[Listeri Dalane]

(( I wanted to try writing from a first person perspective, if that's okay. ))​

​

A soft, ringing noise resonates in your ears as your vision slowly stops blurring. The noise stops, as you look around you. You can barely make out the silhouettes of a picture frame and in the glass you can see the reflection of the door. It has two small windows on the top and bottom, and you can see a light sparking in the hallway. It suddenly stops, as the room significantly darkens. You feel a light touch on your skin, and see a mug labeled " Worlds Best Dad. " As you float closer to the door, you see some dried fluid on the window, and a body on the floor. You cant tell if it's unconscious. Suddenly, you tense as a bright red light illuminates the hallways. You close your eyes due to them not adjusting, but you can briefly see the body. He's a young boy, with long claw marks across face, yet there is no sign of blood. The light stops, when you notice something in the corner.​

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It's another body, a woman with her uniform reduced to rags. Scratch marks scar her body, and this time blood drenches her clothing. Suddenly, you hear a rustling behind a small dusk. You float under the bed, and look at the door. There's a small shadow near it, and you can see what looks like teeth. They're red. You think it's on the outside, until you see a small pamphlet bump into it. You watch as the silhouette crawls over to the body, and slowly crawls on top of the husk. You cringe, as you here a noise that sounds like licking, then swallowing. The shadow seems to move up the wall, and through a open hole in the air ducts. All you can hear now is your shallow breathing.​

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You slowly float over to the body, and look at it all over again. You see even more scratches, and puncture holes, and bruises.​

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But no blood.​

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You hear what sounds like growling, and something jumps on top of you. It feels furry.​

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Your vision blurs once more, and it gets slowly darker, until it's all black.​

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[member=Evad]​

 

[Evad]

(( While the ability to write in any person viewpoint is of your own personal choice - when trying to work off instructions, it is best to keep to them. The setting itself was meant to be responded to in third person, as it was introducing you to your environment. When you transition into a different narrative vantage point like you did, the subject matter changes. Secondly, that is not actually first person, what you were writing in is a second person viewpoint. It not used much, and is generally reserved for instructional writing mainly containing the word 'you'. My setting scene was written in second person because it was instructional - yours should of been written in third person preferably. If this scene were to be written in actual first person, it would of gone something like this:

It's another body, a woman with her uniform reduced to rags. Scratch marks scar her body, and this time blood drenched her clothing. Suddenly, I hear a rustling behind a small desk. I float under the bed, and look at the door. There's a small shadow near it, and I see what looks like teeth. They're red. I think it's on the outside, except there is a small pamphlet bump into it. While watching, I see the silhouette crawl over to the body, and slowly crawl on top of the husk. I cringe, as there's a noise that sounds like licking, then swallowing. The shadow seems to move up the wall, and through a open hole in the air ducts. All I hear now is my shallow breathing.

The differences that I made are in red, to show you the subtle differences that can be made to make a second person narrative into a first person form. There are other variations of course, but that is the general idea of how to differ between the viewpoints and vantages. There is also the matter of past, present, and future tense. You want to make sure you stick with one tense, because it can get very confusing to readers. This is why I recommend always going for a third person past tense view - that way it is clear and allows the reader to immerse themselves in the world better. If you like, later on, we will work on other tenses, and points of view. ))

Scene 3: Your eyes open to a vast nebula of space, where you float aimlessly in the black ink of space. There is no trouble in breathing, and you seem to have control over your movement, and direction. There is still no gravity however. Strange objects float around you, some are planet size - in fact some of them are planets themselves. There is a massive ring of fire on your right that you can actually hear and feel. This is not reality, this is a dream state and you have entered into a place where the laws of the universe no longer apply.

[member="Listeri Dalane"]​

 

[Listeri Dalane]

Listeri watched as a rapid blur of neon colors flashed before his eyes, the spectrum a constantly changing state as his mind turned from hues of red to green, to a mixture of pink and yellow. Suddenly, the blurs began condensing into a single, small ball, barely visible to the human eye. A tiny white speck, in a sea of never-ending blackness.​

Suddenly, sparks appear, falling through the infinite void of Ink, slowly blending in with Listeri's surroundings. The small dot in his vision emits a wave of a pale color, faintly reminiscent of blue. Listeri, fearing the expanding light, begins trying to swim away from it. Despite the Ink being cold, uncomfortable and lifeless, it was something he knew, something he recognized. He tried getting away from the wave, but it catches up with him, and covers him quickly. Listeri in a change of mind, welcomes the change, as the wave felt warm and comforting, like the feeling of a blanket. As he looks back at once was the dot, he see's something he didn't expect:​

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A Sun.​

A large yellow sphere resides at the center, with a few hunks of rock circling the star. A plume of gas erupts from it's side, as the Ink given new life. Enormous bodies of gas start forming, clouds of swirling color appearing from the void that once filled the space around Listeri. Awed, Listeri drifts over to the clouds, managing to cover miles in a few seconds. He puts his hand in the mist, and feels a light, moist touch on his rough and calloused skin. He quickly pops his head, and smirks by the feeling. Listeri takes in a deep breath of air, smelling the gases. He smells various kinds of fruit, as color's start appearing in his head. He smiles, and drifts back to the sun, feeling the Ink swirl around him, slowly removing the feel of the Nebula. The Sun once more bursts to life, this time causing an arch of fire to appear on the top of the star.​

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As Listeri watched The Sun with amazement and enthusiasm, he noticed objects appearing in his peripheral vision. He craned his head, and saw a blue dot in the distance. Suddenly, a large, red sphere appeared next to him. He spun around, as he watched violet clouds drift over the seas, as the waves crashed against the parched ground. He watched as more of these popped up, he noticed he had drifted to The Sun. The arch had turned into a ring of flame, the same color as the wave. Listeri, not fearing for burns, pushed his hand into the fire, seeing what would happen. ​

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All the wonders had vanished, and once more there was only the Ink.​

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Then, the color's came back.​

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Once more swirling and mixing, until it suddenly vanished. In it's place, was all the wonders of before, except one difference.​

Listeri was back at normal size, and he took in the scope of the bodies before him. The Nebula's strange and fascinating oddities, the planets intricate details, and the Sun wowed and amazed him. He knew it was just a dream, but he would more likely call it this:​

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An Experience.​

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[member=Evad]​

 

[Evad]

(( I love it! The use of color, the spacing, the use of different size of fonts while you transition here and there. It makes for a very enjoyable read, changing your viewpoint every time a new section is introduced. Some people are rigid and prefer paragraph writing - and while that is my own style of writing, this is very good, and it gives a great amount of detail. One thing I will however make mention of is that you keep switching tenses. Going from present to to past several times in this post. You want to be very static in your use of tense to give the impression that it has already either happened or is happening now. Remember that past tense can even be just a few seconds ago. ))

3.) Interaction

(( Now that we have tackled the environment, and understood the ability to describe it, and paint a picture for a setting, let's talk about interaction. Generally your character will interact with two subjects of a story. The environment and the characters (both PC and NPC). While some of the description ability is woven into interaction with the environment, this writing is all about your character, and how they are affected by the interaction. Things that were warm, now given a feeling to your skin. The sounds of warfare now echo in your mind, and bolster your resolve. The harsh tones of a berating co-pilot now drive you mad with frustration. For this exercise, I will describe a scene, and you will have your character interact with both aspects - attempting to focus only on how these characters and places affect you, based on the description. ))

Scene 1: Nar Shaddaa; the Smuggler's moon was filled with sentient traffic in both vehicles and pedestrian capacity. Several hundred stories rose high above the actual ground in a maze of catwalks and skylane traffic. Though looking up from the streets and down from a mighty tower scraping the sky was two entirely different viewpoints. Especially when this was compounded with being hung over the edge of a railing and dangled by your legs. Crime Lord's didn't take kindly to idle threats, and they decided to give you a very quick and very painful geography lesson. The game was called fly-by, seeing if you might note the various landmarks around this sector while you fell two hundred stories. And that's when they let go. ​

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[member="Listeri Dalane"]​