End of the Road

[Allyson Locke]

Annaj
9:34 PM GST
*****************
The sound of water crashing against dishes echoed in the small, but comfortable apartment. The pair that lived here could probably afford better, but with constantly being away, there was no reason to have a large dwelling. At the table near the kitchen a plate was left untouched, a hearty bantha steak began to cool as the potatoes slumped slightly to one side after sitting there for some time, and the vegetables lost their brilliant color as they became room temperature. Across the way sat a blonde girl her chin resting against her hands as she stared at the plate. She would box this up like the other, but leave it this time waiting for the woman.
Spencer felt her close.

Throughout Ashin’s absence she worried, but not too much. The woman had gotten better at keeping her wife in the loop most of the time. Spencer continued about her day, studying and reading the letter she had received. Though she longed to have Ashin back at least on the same planet with her. Looking back at the plate, she stood and began to wrap it up. Shoving it back into the oven to keep warm, hopefully tonight would be the night she had been waiting for and hopefully Ashin would be hungry. After cleaning up a bit more, the girl stood in her long silken night gown, her hair cascading over her shoulders. A smile crept across her face as she felt her wedding ring with her fingers.

A soft sigh followed by a gentle and amused chuckle Spencer spoke quietly, “Constantly waiting, you probably know I’d wait forever. I’m such a silly girl, hopelessly devoted.” Shrugging, Spencer knew she wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[Ashin Varanin]

@[member="Spencer Jacobs"]

9:57 PM

The windows trembled as the old starship Sojourn finally settled into the garage. They'd taken that old jalopy of a diplomatic barge across half the universe, and run the Empire from it while camped out on Mimban at the Temple of Pomojema. Their first car, before they'd splurged on the Peregrine.

Ashin had been gone for two weeks. She was late, not just to the day, but to the hour. She'd messaged Spencer when she left the planet of the Five, and given an estimated arrival time, but it had taken a bit longer than anticipated.

The garage door shut behind the Consular-class cruiser, and Ashin limped in. That limp was getting worse, and some time in the last two weeks she'd picked up a gimer stick cane, on which she leaned heavily. She'd lost a bit of weight -- sharper cheekbones and chin. She set the cane by the door for long enough to toss her coat over the back of the couch, then limped toward the table. Her eyes flicked to the oven, and she winced as she took in the solitary plate on the drying rack. "Sorry I'm so late," she said, slumping into one of the dining room chairs. She angled it to face Spencer, but everything about her said 'fatigue.' She offered a wan smile. "Work was murder."

 

[Allyson Locke]

Eyeing the cane, she wondered where and why she had picked it up, the thing was – it reminded her of an old Jedi in old tales. Disregarding it, she looked towards the woman she noticed despite the limp she still beat her to grabbing the plate. Spencer watched her take her seat at the table and she focused on the limp, her face read what she was thinking and questioning. @[member="Ashin Varanin"] knew she could fix the limp, but the woman seemed attached to it for some reason – Spencer stopped bringing it up to the old Spacer.

Moving towards the table, Spencer’s face softened. Reaching her wife she moved behind her and rubbed the woman’s shoulders for a moment and then gave her a small hug. “No matter how late you are as long as you come home you’re forgiven.” The scent of lavender danced against Ashin’s nose along with the smell of Spencer’s improved cooking. Spencer pulled away after she had leaned forward and brushed her lips gently against Ashin’s cheek. “Welcome home.” She took her seat near the woman as she ate and smiled while leaning on her hand against the table.

“Your letters home were somewhat cryptic. Were they to protect what you were working on? Or is there more to that. Though before you explain everything, finish eating and wash up – there’s more in the fridge if you’re still hungry – let me know and I’ll warm them up for you. If you stay this thin you’re going to have to wear my clothes…” A grin swept across her face as she remembered the brightly colored sun dresses she wore along with the other bright and slightly revealing clothing she had taken a liking too recently. “I think my pink floral sun dress would look adorable on you” Spencer teased.

 

[Ashin Varanin]

@[member="Spencer Jacobs"]

The food, even re-heated, was infinitely better than what she'd eaten for the last two weeks. Much as she returned Spencer's warmth, she ate furiously, and it started to fill the physical part of the emptiness in her. A chunk of steak impaled on her fork, she pondered Spencer's question, with a wan smile for the joke. "I could never look as good as you in your clothes. Feth, I could never look as good as you anyway -- you always know how to dress well.

"As for the messages..." She set down the nerf-laden fork and leaned back, staring across the plate at nothing. "I was trying to find words. Didn't work out so well.

"You know the stones and ripples and whispers and shouting -- the analogies for the tradeoff between power and insight when you hit Master. Well, I started on Bardotta, with the Dagoyan Masters. They gave me some...perspective, but they wouldn't train me per se. They just told me to listen to the Force and it would lead me to the world where I would learn what I needed. Didn't tell me how to listen, which was my point, and, apparently, theirs. So I guessed. I went to Dagobah, landed by instinct, wound up back at the old cave I told you about. Fell through the roof, found myself dealing with...some unpleasant things. Someone told me I needed to move on, that what I was looking for wasn't on Dagobah.

"Turns out they were right. I finally made it work, navigated by instinct, found a planetary system you'd have to see to believe. Streamers of light billions of miles long, a web or a thatch, all tendrils of light, and inside it was a cracked planet with streamers of light coming up from deep holes in the crust." She chuckled. "So when my ship started going on the fritz, I landed beside one and jumped in. And I fell a long, long way.

"There was life inside the planet, in huge caves, so big I couldn't see the walls. There were five priestesses, floating, two toes on each foot, masks like old theatre props, androgynous robes. They could move from place to place near instantly, or move me. It turned out that the Dagoyan hadn't sent me to find that world to learn to feel the Force, so much as they'd sent me there to learn...well, something else." She toyed with the last of the foot, pushing it around the plate. "You and I once categorized all the apex powers. Midi-chlorian manipulation, Dark Transfer, Force Storm, Supernova, large-scale Force Light, Transfer Essence. Well, we missed one, and it's the secret the Five have guarded for who knows how many hundreds or thousands or millions of years.

"Life after death. Not scrambling to find a new body and start mortality over again from someone else's saved game, but going to the Force as we all will...and yet retaining individuality. The stories of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda vanishing at death. They learned that from the Five.

"And so did I.

"There were trials to it, tests, prerequisites. Things to do with hubris and attachment and grief and guilt. They reminded me of something I've always done my best to ignore. There's too much blood on my hands, too much innocent blood. I've held onto life furiously, for your sake, for the Fringers, for the planets we promised to defend, but now I can be here for you even when I'm gone.

"They taught me on one condition: That I'd use it. Not suicide, but accepting death when it comes for me, and they say it won't be too long. Force knows I never want to leave you alone, and now I never will. And if death's the only way to atone for what I've done, if I can only get my soul back by dying...so be it."

 

[Allyson Locke]

Spencer listened like she always had ever since she was Ashin’s student. The woman had stories, they were vividly told and Spencer could almost see the action as the woman spoke. This part was one of her favorites when Ashin returned from work or a trip, the stories. A soft smile spread across her face as she blushed softly from the compliment. She knew the only reason she cared so much about how she looked was to impress Ashin, beyond that she could careless as to how people felt about her appearance. She felt wonderful when her wife complimented her, she was doing something right.

As the story took a turn towards the dark, Spencer shifted uncomfortably. She never liked talking about Ashin and dying. The woman had no clue of her other studies, hopefully and Spencer knew it was only for one reason. That was to keep Ashin alive and well, but as the woman spoke she soon realized that it wasn’t her choice and that it was Ashin’s. Hands fell into her lap as she bit her lower lip, her hazel eyes showed the sadness she felt as she thought about a day, a time, or a moment without Ashin or waiting for Ashin and she couldn’t fathom the thought. It felt too unreal and she wasn’t ready to accept that. Remembering what it felt like to not feel her through their blood marks, it was horrible. Spencer knew though, that she had to respect Ashin’s choices and knowing that she took in a deep breath and fought back the tears that clung to her eyes.

This wasn’t exactly what she had expected, but with recent events she had been preparing herself. Her voice quiet as she spoke finally after Ashin had finished. “I’ve always wondered how they did it, there’s notes on it, but nothing as detailed as you’ve mentioned. The knowledge that you hold is fascinating and I’d really appreciate it if you told me more. Becoming a part of the Force terrifies me, but being able to have your own individuality – retaining who you are. Utterly amazing, though both Obi-Wan and Yoda were both normal. You’re normal, your parents created you, but how would I work out? When I die, I want to be with you Ashin, that’s all I want in this life and in the afterlife…” Slowly standing she made a beeline to Ashin and forced herself on the woman’s lap facing her. Pulling her into a hug, Spencer rested her cheek against Ashin’s and stayed there.

“I’m sorry, I just needed to feel you – it’s been a little while and we’re so busy.” Her hug tightened just enough and then loosened once again. “Can you teach me about what you’ve learned? I can feel you at peace it’s a nice change.” A soft kiss once more brushed against Ashin’s cheek as the girl sat on the renewed Master’s lap.

 

[Ashin Varanin]

@[member="Spencer Jacobs"]

Ashin settled comfortably against the back of the chair, interfolding with Spencer. "Well," she said quietly, "it starts with the trials. The way I was told, there are usually four of them. I took three of them, in a sense, though the first one wasn't really...relevant?...and I ended up taking another one instead.

"I don't know if Obi-Wan had to go through it, or if only Yoda took the trials and then passed on the technique. When most Jedi go there, so far as I've been told, they end up facing the physical manifestation of their hubris. The first trial involves acknowledging that the urge to do the right thing, to intervene, to be, well, a Jedi, also involves confidence that you're in the right. Leading to hubris of a dangerous degree. Recognizing that, humbling yourself, is the biggest obstacle most Jedi face. I faced that trial, though I'm not certain I prevailed, and wound up confronting...well, my guilt. Much bigger barrier than my pride.

"The second trial." She gathered her thoughts for a moment. "They made a really horrible reality for me. My worst fear. I was at the Spires of Hell, blue lightsabres inside the spire, and everyone, all of you, you were dead. All the Fringers, everyone. It nearly broke me. I wanted so badly to rip up the Jedi who'd done it. Then just when I thought I'd overcome that temptation, even though it was all still so real to me, Velok's spirit came to me and offered me a way out, and I took it. I found myself with all of you, and all the Jedi, all happy to see me, all friendly with each other. A perfect world. It was a lie, of course. When I forced myself to fully accept that, it stopped being so inescapably real. And then of course it fell apart the hard way.

"That's when they told me I had to die. And that I had to go back to the Council if I wanted to ever find peace. I don't know if the Council's capable of granting me that, but I know I have to face walking in there, dealing with their disapproval, dealing with my fear of leaving all of you alone."

 

[Allyson Locke]

Spencer closed her eyes as she listened to Ashin’s trials. Instinctively her hold on the woman tightened for a bit and then released as she rested her head on Ashin’s shoulder. How she sat, facing @[member="Ashin Varanin"] while on her lap, it felt so natural and she couldn’t imagine a moment without being like this. Her mind wandered to the hubris, she had known Ashin to always have it, though she wondered if she had one as well. Along those lines, would she even be able to defeat it? Another tight hug and she released the former Empress and pulled away slightly. A soft hand rested on Ashin’s cheek as Spencer examined her, searching for something different and a smile crossed her face.

“I see and I understand. There’s a different calm about you, it’s pleasant, but it still scares me. I’m not ready to lose you, but I know deep down, no matter what you’d be with me and when it’s my time – you’d be the first to greet me on the other side.” The smile never wavering as she leaned back slightly and in the same moment pressed her lower body against Ashin. The young Master stretched slightly as she bought herself some time to think. This was a revelation a good one, yet carried a price that at this moment Spencer wasn’t ready for Ashin to pay. Sighing softly, she decided to treasure like always every moment they had peace.

“You had quite the adventure Lover, I’m proud of you, heavens know how huge of a hubris you have.” A hand brushed strands of hair from Ashin’s face, Spencer knew the trials were hard and Ashin was strong, but seeing that she survived this, only spoke for a part of her strength. Spencer relaxed a bit and began to fix and adjust the old Spacer’s clothing. “So you’ve accepted your fate? Seems your heart is set on seeing the Jedi again, I’ve wanted to go back ever since meeting that Jedi on O’reen. I need to speak to her, I don’t know but the Force is pulling me there.” Thinking, she placed a hand against her chin for a moment and the spoke once more. “Ashin, outside of our personal relationship you are still my Master. Please show me, teach me what you’ve learned. I don’t want to leave you alone either…”

 

[Ashin Varanin]

@[member="Spencer Jacobs"]' warmth and proximity, the little motions when she adjusted Ashin's clothes, the stretch back, all combined to occupy Ashin's thought. But she could focus, when she had to, when it was this important.

"I was hoping you'd say that." She got a grip on the back of Spencer's robe, looped her thumbs through the sash of the robe, pulled her a little closer. "And I'm hoping I can make it work for you. You're so far beyond me in so many ways, but from what the Five said, your focus on balance might make it tough for you. It might even lock you out. I'm not saying I'm a better person than you -- we all know it's the other way around -- but flaws aside, I'd been trying pretty hard to adhere to the Light and the Light only, for a good while before I went to the Five.

"That was far from their only test. Goodness knows you'd probably pass the other ones more easily than I did. It's just that...well, if I understood them right, if I'm understanding this power right, it's something you could only learn if you fully commit to the Light. I'm not one to associate the Light Side and the Dark Side with morality, exactly -- seen too much evil committed while serene, and too many angry people do things that needed doing. This isn't me somehow calling you to repentance; your soul is your business.

"Bottom line, I want to teach you, but I'm not sure it's something you can learn, not right now anyway. There's no harm in trying, but you might have to rethink balance to make it work."

 

[Allyson Locke]

Spencer was pulled closer and she once again caught the scent of space along Ashin's skin, it was a scent she had grown accustomed too. Resting her cheek against Ashin as the woman finished speaking, she thought quietly about Ashin's words. The touch of flesh made her human enough, she knew that much about the physical world. Skin was something that held everything together it provided protection and a way to feel the closeness of another. The physical world was a place she understood and where she existed well enough. Eyes closed as she took in a deep breath, beyond the physical world she only knew of the Force and how it connected everyone. Spencer knew she was different, she knew this since she was old enough to understand that the girl looking in the mirror was her. There was a realization of self and she knew her realization wasn't like anyone else's except Aston, but even he didn't seem to fully understand the magnitude of their creation.

The thought of souls was curious, Spencer hadn't thought about this since she was younger, but now it was being brought up. A soul, your essence or something that made you human or mortal, it didn't make sense to Spencer. She was only mortal enough to have a physical being, but beyond that she didn't know how much more she differed from others. Her fear was death, she didn't know if she would just disappear and return the essence her parents borrowed to create her. Was she living on borrowed time? Was her creation just a gift from the living Force? Could she just disappear whenever the Force willed it? The questions continued to plague her mind as she rested against the old Spacer. Hands clutched the clothing tightly as she continued to wonder how much longer she was granted. A kiss against Ashin's cheek showed the only movement from the girl as she sighed softly.

Another soft nuzzle from the girl against the woman's neck as she used the physical touch to remind her that she was alive, that she was as close as to mortal as Ashin was. Still, she couldn't fathom the thought of owning a soul. Softly she spoke, it was nothing on her thought of balance nor her goal of reaching for the light, it was her fear and her understanding of herself, "I don't have a soul to repent or to save."

@[member="Ashin Varanin"]

 

[Ashin Varanin]

[member="Spencer Jacobs"]

"Woulda left that as an enigma for lack of answers," she said, "if not for the five. The bit that we call a soul, the spark that lights us up, that's all from the Force, that's what the Force is. When we die -- you or me, regardless -- our life, our living Force, goes back to the unifying, cosmic Force. What makes us alive is what a soul is. Think of the two Masters who created you. Satara Hawk and Kamon Vondiranach never did anything significant, ever. You think people like that could have been the conduits for something so mindbogglingly vast as to put you totally outside the way of the Force?" She smiled gently. "But if you want to know for sure, come to the Five with me. They'd know. No question about it. And they'd be the ones to tell you for sure if you can learn what they taught me."

 

[Allyson Locke]

Leaning back slightly, Spencer pondered Ashin's words about her parents. She knew nothing about her father only that he preferred his current situation over his past. As much as she disliked him for that, she was thankful that he was desperate enough to talk with her mother and create her with the Force. She couldn't fathom what was going through her mother's mind when she decided to do this. A frown crossed her face as she looked at [member="Ashin Varanin"] once the woman mentioned how unextraordinary her parents were. With a playful shove against Ashin's shoulder, she smiled softly. “My parents weren't the strongest, or the smartest, or the most extraordinary people...but they were my parents even with their flaws. My mother values family above everything – I could probably blow up a planet, but as long as I didn't harm family she would still love...my Father -”

Spencer paused as she lingered thinking about her father. The man was nothing that came to mind when one used the title. He had been there for just a moment expressing his desire to be in her life and Aston's, but it seemed once the idea of another woman who could offer him a family – he forgot what he had. The young woman hiccuped back tears as she showed some regret for meeting him. The idea she had built up while she was growing up was someone great an amazing. Her mother had told of the man that came from the stars and asked for a child. In Spencer's mind, her father was a great Jedi that wished to leave a legacy if he didn't return from his dangerous mission.

To her, that man was a hero.

Though, Kamon fell far from who the blonde thought he would be. Deciding she would keep that mirage for her father instead of the sad man that Kamon ended up being, it made her smile and she finally finished her phrase. “My father is a hero, Kamon – he isn't my Father.” Leaning forward, she pressed her lips against the old Spacer for a moment and then pulled away. Tilting her head, she nodded. “I want to see the Five – I want to meet them and see if I'm worth what they have to teach. Do me one favor, don't return to the Force just yet – I owe you so many more kisses.” The young woman smiled wider as she nuzzled her nose against her wife's.

 

[Ashin Varanin]

[member="Spencer Jacobs"]

"If there's things owed one way or another, pretty sure you've got that backward." She slipped her hands under the backs of Spencer's thighs, lifting her as she stood. Spencer's frame was light enough that Ashin could manage that easily enough, even without bracing Spencer's back against a wall. That, she did just for nostalgia, remembering the good ship Sojourn at the Temple of Pomojema, and that night on the Rakatan homeworld. She kissed her wife thoroughly, then, driven by sheer relief that she'd made it home in one piece.

The next day, late in the morning, found them back on the Peregrine bound for a world with no name. Ashin took the pilot's seat, as the one who'd been there before. Annaj fell away, and they slipped into hyperlight, but Ashin stayed where she was.

"They said there was a place for me," she said half-absentmindedly. "I forgot it, mixed in with the other details last night. They said there was a place for me with them, when the time came. Not like you'd like me in potato-sack robes and a mask, but...it's been a long time since anyone I wasn't married to told me there was a place where I'd be welcome."

 

[Allyson Locke]

Waking up in Ashin's arms, was something she could never replace or mimic. There was something comforting when she would rest her body against the woman she had married. Never in her life would she imagine herself here, well until she had met the Former Empress. Thinking back on everything, Spencer rested her hand against the pilot's chair as she looked down towards the control panel. A yawn escaped her lips as she pulled away from the pilot's chair and glanced over at Ashin. Spencer rolled the loose sleeves up her arms as she adjusted to the spacer clothes she had chosen.

Listening to [member="Ashin Varanin"], she pondered. It had been a feeling they both had shared, in this entire galaxy there was no where for them. The Empire turned on them, the Jedi abandoned them, and their homes were only with each other. It was a connection that built the unbreakable bond they shared as lovers, companions, and as master and student. A smile pulled at the corners of the lips, she didn't feel sad knowing that in the end they possibly wouldn't be together. Knowing that there was a place for Ashin to fill this galaxy with her influence – to become something more than what they were, no she just smiled and let the relief wash over her. All she wanted in this life was to give Ashin a place she could rest.

Finally breaking the silence between them, Spencer moved behind the pilot's chair and did her best to give Ashin a small hug. Releasing the woman she stood and brushed aside stray blonde hairs. “I think you'd look adorable in a potato-sack and a mask. Its nice to hear that someone other than me sees the good in you. You fail to see how important you are. In this galaxy, this theater of characters you're the sun, events rise and fall with your will, people are drawn to you and continue to orbit around you. People like that, they don't just leave – there's always something a place for them to continue to influence the galaxy.” Chuckling softly, she patted Ashin on the shoulder and then turned her attention to something else. “Don't try to deny it, you know as well as I do, my life wouldn't have turned out this way if I didn't choose to get on your ship at that mess of a starliner.”

Spencer bit on the knuckle of her index finger and glanced towards the ground of the ship. “You accepted the offer? How does it make you feel to know that you are worthy enough to be one of them?”

 

[Ashin Varanin]

[member="Spencer Jacobs"]

Ashin opened her mouth, and closed it again. What Spencer described, that sense of centrality, was as much an element of home as the woman herself. A habit, even, feeling that. Perhaps not the best habit nor the best element of home -- or of self. "I've sort of been trying to set my importance aside, phase myself out of as much as I can bear to abandon. All that's left is you, this ship, the Chimaera, and whatever respect I have here in Fringe space. But you can't tell me you never feel bound to this place. Not because it's home, but because everything we do reflects on our people, endangers them even. I kind of long for the day I can let them stand on their own two feet, take a step far enough away that what I do, what we do, doesn't have bearing on them or serve as someone's excuse to hurt them. I almost want to...start over somehow. With you, or, I mean, alongside you."

She waved absently. "Don't mind me. I didn't accept or refuse the Five, and it's got me thinking too much. I don't think they expect a decision from me until after I die, anyway. I'm not sure worthy is the word, but I don't know what other word could work. I'd like to think I doubt my fitness...but Force, Spence, I can't stop having confidence in myself, my judgment. I've made mistakes, sure, but everything big I've ever tried, everything since I became a Master, has gone my way. The coup was a minor setback that worked for us. Everything else...I just can't make myself believe in my own fallibility. If anything gets me in the end, it'll be the hubris, but I just can't shake it. In that sense, how could I be worthy? And in every other sense, how could I not be?"

 

[Allyson Locke]

Spencer couldn’t help, but smile as Ashin spoke of her success in the actions she had taken. The young woman nodded agreeing with the amount of success the woman has had. Though, Spencer remembered in almost every scenario, Ashin had to think on her feet and was able to adjust her plans to fit what was happening. The woman had also surrounded herself with the necessary people, the people that would be able to pull off whatever Ashin had asked them. Because of this planning the woman usually came out on top.

“You listen to the Force, even if you don’t meditate like I do – you listen. Your gut instinct is what’s kept you alive, it’s helped with your success as a leader. You’re willing to change, to listen and to adapt to what is going on around you. It’s rare that someone is willing to do that. I know you don’t want to be the one in the middle of everything – you and I…we seem to be drawn to conflict despite our wishes. It means we’re needed, we are the ones that listen and answer the call.”

Pausing, Spencer closed her eyes and sighed. “I wish I could run away with you. Disappear on Naboo or some backwater planet. Have a farm or land for ourselves. If you wish…have a family of some sort, a Kath Hound bringing your slippers to you after a long day – dinner cooked every night. At the end of it all the world would just be us. I want that so bad, I dream and long for it. Though I know because we listen and adapt we will forever be the ones to strike change.”

Spencer laughed slightly as she looked back towards Ashin.” We are the ones that turn the ripples into waves. Without us, the galaxy remains stagnate.”

 

[Ashin Varanin]

Ashin massaged the bridge of her nose between thumb and forefinger, an old mannerism of hers. Spencer had picked it up at some point along the way -- the mannerism, not the nose. "That's our lives in a nutshell. And a solid analysis of us, far as I can tell. Of course-" She rolled her shoulders, trying to stave off tension. "-of course, that leaves out the little part of me that wants to be central. But that part of me is fading. I think I'm retiring without meaning to. And then some fool drags me back in. Who knows: maybe I didn't need to go to the Five to find peace. Maybe all I needed to do was stop making everything about me.

"But the more I think and listen, the more I agree with you. The galaxy's life is more important than my peace or my humility, let that make of me what it will.

"When I'm running in circles like this, when I ask myself whether I can justify the lengths I'm willing to go to, when that question's the same question I asked myself every day as a Sith, when I'm not sure if the question means quite the same thing now as it did then, or how much it should..." She left the thought incomplete; it had no conclusion that she could fathom just now.

"So I think the only question is how, and when. My gut says there'll always be some big threat, some brutal fools scrambling against stagnation when every empire is dying as soon as it's born. Stagnation is endemic to empire. The bigger we build, the deeper the decay. Maybe we just need one little world to protect. Maybe C'Baoth was right." She smiled faintly. "But even if we went that route in some forgotten corner of everything, everyone else would be building large, and doing it wrong. Wouldn't they. So maybe what we are now, in relation to the galaxy, is as good as it's gonna get. And now I've talked myself in circles, but I feel better. Headache's gone, anyway."