Approved NPC Deth Haruko Sin

[The Red of Sinner]

Name: Deth Haruko Sin
Rank: Sith Knight
Aliases: Darth Regios
Loyalties: Crucix Sin, pretends to be loyal to Romeo Sin
Role: This is Felicia's father and Crucix's right hand man.
Development Threads: N/A
Age: 36
Species: Vahla
Force-Sensitive: Yes

Appearance:

Deth has red hair that he keeps spiked backwards, and also has red eyes. He is tall, around six foot five, and is very handsome in appearance.

Personality: Deth plays two personalities. His true personality is strong, hot tempered, and also arrogant. The personality that Romeo and Felix see is one that is rebellious against Crucix and calm minded. He seems to be a little ditzy a majority of the time.

Weapon of Choice: Dual Sabers along with the Force.

Wealth: His wealth is overshadowed by the Sin family, as the Haruko Sin family is the other side of the whole family. He lives a little less comfortably then Crucix does, that is why he is Crucix's right hand man.

Combat Function:
Strengths;

Swordsman: He is a skilled bladesman capable of holding both Romeo and Felix back.

Speed: In terms of speed is a little slower than Crucix but faster than Romeo and Felix.

Spy: He has Romeo and Felix fooled that he is on their side.


Weaknesses;

Coward: Deth is a coward and will run from a fight if he begins to start getting beaten back.

Hot Headed: His temper is his biggest weakness, going as far as to attack blindly in anger, leaving him wide open for attacks.

Small Limp: His right leg has been broken before, leaving it with a limp after healing. Though he can fight for a period without it bothering him, it is his weak spot, and will give him a bit of a distraction later in a fight.


Skills:
Pyrokinesis: Proficient
Telekinesis: Proficient
Force Rage: Adept


Notable Possessions: Nothing

Other Notes: He is secretly positioning Romeo to attack Crucix and end the family feud. In the end Crucix has promised that he will have Romeo's wealth and empire when Crucix kills Romeo. He is in his own way cruel as he is using his daughter as a pawn to set the family war. Deth is also mindful of even taking down Crucix to make the Haruko Sin head of the family line. He respects Romeo and his daughter, and believes the Ember of Vahl to be a waste of time. He is of noble blood as the Sin family as a whole is noble.

 

[Quietus]

Please add another weakness to balance against your strengths. A physical weakness would be prudent, considering the other two are emotion-based.

There are also a number of grammatical errors in this submission that need to be fixed. Please proof-read everything and make the necessary changes. To help yourself and the Judges in the future with expediting your submissions, have one of your friends proof-read for you before posting them in the Codex.

Tag me when you've made the necessary edits.

[member="Romeo Sin"]

 

[The Red of Sinner]

[member="Quietus"]

I have edited all the spell checks I could find, and have given him a physical weakness.

 

[Quietus]

Good on the weakness.

Deth is a coward, and will run from a fight if he begins to start getting beaten back.

This is an example sentence taken from your submission of a common punctuation problem I'm seeing throughout the entire thing.

The red comma is used incorrectly here and in many other places within this submission. Simply, a comma is not used before an and unless you are listing things within the sentence.

An example of this usage would be:

Deth likes tea, action movies, kittens, and comic books.

An incorrect usage of the comma before an and would be:

Deth likes tea, and action movies.

Go through your submission one more time and see if you can find all the instances where you have this incorrect comma use. It may seem trivial in the grand scheme of things, but comma placement in a sentence can vastly change the meaning of things and how they are read, which muddles up official submissions with potential confusion for anyone who may later need to look through them.

If you need help or don't understand, let me know.

Tag me when you're finished.

[member="Romeo Sin"]

 

[The Red of Sinner]

[member="Quietus"]

. Edits have been made as you have requested.

 

[Valiens Nantaris]

[member="Romeo Sin"] | [member="Quietus"]

Romeo, you are doing yourself no favours by scorning the advice and assistance of the Judge here.

Ridiculous you may think it is, but it is an attempt to make the entry readable to everyone who looks at it. Use of the Codex is optional, so if you choose to use it, you will comply with the basic standards we set for readability.

I fully support the actions of my judge here, and if you are unhappy with how it is handled you are more than welcome to request a second-chance.

Now, on with the show....

 

[Quietus]

You will find that I am not like the other Codex Judges.

However, you will also find that if all I am nitpicking about is your grammar/spelling/punctuation, this should tell you that your ideas and creativity are sound - that's a good thing!

So let's work on those commas, shall we? I will make this easy and highlight for you the necessary edits to make in GREEN. All green commas are used incorrectly/are unnecessary. Any words highlighted in yellow require editing of some form, either spelling or grammatically. Any words marked by a strike through simply omit, as they are unnecessary.

Spoiler

Name: Deth Haruko Sin
Rank: Sith Knight
Aliases: Darth Regios
Loyalties: Crucix Sin, pretends to be loyal to Romeo Sin
Role: This is Felicia's father, and Crucix's right hand man.
Development Threads: N/A
Age: 36
Species: Vahla
Force-Sensitive: Yes

Appearance:

Deth has red hair that he keeps spiked backwards, while and also having has red eyes. He is tall, around six foot five, and is very handsome in appearance.

Personality: Deth plays two personalities, (this should be a period) His true personality is strong, and hot tempered, while also being and arrogant. He's a lacky (spelled wrong), so has the idea that he must do his job to the best of his ability. The personality that Romeo, and Felix see is a one that is rebellious against Crucix, and calm minded. He seems to be a little ditzy at a majority of the time.

Weapon of Choice: Dual Sabers, along with the Force.

Wealth: His wealth is overshadowed by the Sin family, as the Haruko Sin family is the other side of the whole family. He lives a little less comfortably then Crucix does, that is why he is Crucix's right hand man.

Combat Function:
Strengths;

Swordsman: He is a skilled bladesman, capable of holding both Romeo, and Felix back.

Speed: In terms of speed, he is a little slower than Crucix, but faster than Romeo, and Felix.

Spy: He has Romeo, and Felix fooled that he is on their side.


Weaknesses;

Coward: Deth is a coward and will run from a fight if he begins to start getting beaten back.

Hot Headed: His temper is his biggest weakness, going as far as to attack blindly in anger, leaving him wide open fire (wrong word, do you mean for or to ?) attacks.

Small Limp: His right leg has been broken before, leaving it with a limp after healing, (this should be a period) Though he can fight for a period without it bothering him, it is his weak spot, and will give him a bit of a distraction later in a fight.


Skills:
Pyrokinesis: Proficient
Telekinesis: Proficient
Force Rage: Adept


Notable Possessions: Nothing

Other Notes: He is secretly positioning Romeo to attack Crucix, and end the family feud,(this should be a period) In the end Crucix has promised that he will have Romeo's wealth, and empire when Crucix kills Romeo. He is in his own way cruel as he is using his daughter as a pawn to set the family war. Deth is also mindful of even taking down Crucix to make the Haruko Sin head of the family line. He respects Romeo, and his daughter, and believes the Ember of Vahl to be a waste of time. He is of noble blood as the Sin family as a whole is noble.

[member="Romeo Sin"]

 

[The Red of Sinner]

[member="Quietus"]

forgive my attitude, thank you for the praise of my idea all this is going to a big story arc for me and my fellow rp buddies.
I shall begin editing after The Planet of the Apes movie is done (after seen the nee one yet so I'm watching it now)

 

[The Red of Sinner]

[member="Quietus"]


All edits have been made, note to self....leave the codex alone when running a fever and headache...I didnt see half of the errors in this that you did o.o

 

[Quietus]

Thank you. I would like to extend to you the option to allow me to proof-read your submissions for the Codex or the Factory before you submit them for grammar/spelling/punctuation edits by PM. I'm happy to help as a fellow RPer.

This looks a hundred times better. Approved pending secondary.

[member="Romeo Sin"]
[member="Valiens Nantaris"]

 

[Valiens Nantaris]

Approved.