Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

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Daxton's Writing Exercises

Greetings fellow writers. I am starting this thread in an attempt to aid our fellow writers in improving their craft and hopefully take them to a more rewarding writing experience. To this end, I would like to ask in advance that we avoid any negative remarks and try to inject positive suggestions.

I will post a scenario and the participating writer/s are encourage to be creative an post a minimum of one paragraph reply. Then I would reply with my feedback and suggestions for improvement.

Bear in mind, there is usually a 10-12 hour time difference, me being in asia and most of you beautiful people are on the other side of the world so please bear with me if there is a little lag.

I might tag people who have expressed interest in this little experiment but if you want to join as well, then please feel free to post your entry as well. Just please tag me in your post so I know to reply to your posts. Thanks.

Scenario #1: You are on the rooftop of an urban world overlooking the cityscape, the sun is beginning to set and a light drizzle of rain has started to fall, your character is looking for a target somewhere in the city below you.
I would like to play. So atmosphere Rain drizzle does this make this dream like or is it an obstacle because your target will stay inside, use an umbrella, take a taxi? Is the Target being executed or photographed? Are you working alone or with others? Is this your first or are you a seasoned professional? Why? Is it a job or revenge? Roof top for quick escape? Is there someone who wants to stop you?

Qhorin Solas

Meret Blackmoon said:
I would like to play. So atmosphere Rain drizzle does this make this dream like or is it an obstacle because your target will stay inside, use an umbrella, take a taxi? Is the Target being executed or photographed? Are you working alone or with others? Is this your first or are you a seasoned professional? Why? Is it a job or revenge? Roof top for quick escape? Is there someone who wants to stop you?
I suppose that anything outside of what Daxton has outlined in the scenario is up to personal preference.
Adenn Gra'tua was perched on a rooftop looking for his target, A man in his thirties standing around five foot four and sporting a beard. It was late in the day and the sun was setting. Which was good for Adenn because to anybody down below he was just an silhouette. It had just started drizzling. Leaving water specks on Adenn's armor. Adenn scanned around "where is he. He was supposed come through here already" Adenn said annoyed "unless he did and I did not spot him" he grumbled "I couldn't have missed him. Could have I?" Adenn scanned below him again "oh, wait, that might be him" Adenn scanned the man. It was him. Now Adenn just had to follow him until he made it to a less populated place.

@[member="Daxton Bane"]
She wore a black trench coat, dark glasses and black leather gloves. She hurried down the alley to a freight elevator. It was open waiting for a delivery. With one large step and she was in. Up she went to the top of the building where surplus containers were stored. The case was there. She opened it and assembled the Barrett M107. Then a time checked. Perfect. He should be arriving any moment. She got in position and had a clean shot of the back entrance to the convention hall. A black limo pulled up; security guards checked the alley and entrance. They gave a hand signal; he opened the door. She looked through the scope, held her breath, and squeezed off one round. Red splattered on the side walk. She put the M107 back and placed the case inside one of the empty containers. They knew where the shot came from. Down down down the stairs to alley. She flagged down a taxi. The rain drizzled and the driver commented that she was dressed for the weather.
The sunlight peeking through the expansive window warmed her face as the crisp white sheets caressed her body and his. Empty champagne bottles lined the dresser top. The red numbers blinked 12:00 on the hotel alarm clock. There had been a power outtage. Her heart beat loudly...she overslept and missed her target.
insight to my character
After giving Governor Vynea the carved box Meret explained that the gift was a simple expression to ensure success in their endeavors and that a reciprocating gift was not necessary. The invitation for lunch was a perfect gesture because she had not eaten in hours. ”I have heard of your accomplishments on Bakura and it would be a pleasure to see them at first hand.” She hesitated slightly before sliding her slender arm around his. They walked to a charming, almost intimate, set table. It had fine crystal stemware, hand embroidered linens and porcelain plates—all exquisite. They sat at the table and a squad of servers filled their glasses and brought appetizers and fresh fruit. ’ My parents were both in the diplomatic corps so I followed suit. I was home schooled and went on my first humanitarian expedition when I was twelve years of age.” She looked over her shoulder and leaned close so he could hear her as she spoke softly. “I have witnessed destruction, disease, and atrocities caused by war. I have no love for the Empire nor the Republic. I am apolitical and want to transcend hate, revenge and corruption. My home is Naboo; my spirit is Kiffar…oh I should explain something and please do not take offense. I do not like to be touched. It is uh uhm an invasion of my aura field. In certain formal situations I allowed it because I do understand diverse protocols.’ Meret smiled slightly and waited for the Governor’s response when Governor Cordel and his Personal Assistant approached their table. Cordel extended his hand in a kind gesture. Meret looked at Governor Vynea and then slowly put her hand out to touch Cordel’s. ” The pleasure is mine. I am Meret Blackmoon, soon to be Governor of Endor after some training… by you?”
@[member="Adenn Gra'tua"]

Good start.

Good use of descriptive terms to help visualize the character. From start to finish I could visualize what the scene was in my mind.

Suggestion for consideration:

1. Punctuations. We should only use capital letters at the start of sentence not in the middle. It can throw some readers off. Also if the sentence is inquisitive, you should have a ? instead of a period.

2. Consider combining two short sentences.

For example: You wrote - It was late in the day and the sun was setting. Which was good for Adenn because to anybody down below he was just an silhouette.

Suggestion - It was late in the day, as the sun was just beginning to set, truly a welcome sight to his old eyes as it meant longer shadows that reduced Adenn to a mere silhouette from the ground.

2nd Example : You wrote - It had just started drizzling. Leaving water specks on Adenn's armor.

Suggestion - It had just started to drizzle, the droplets leaving water specks all over his armor.

3. If you will write in third person, try to use third person tenses instead of repeatedly mentioning his name. This helps makes the post more easier to read.


@[member="Meret Blackmoon"] - How you choose to interpret the scenario is up to you, I just need a writing sample for your character to see how you would depict a generic scene. Then I would offer suggestions for consideration.
@[member="Meret Blackmoon"]

Good work. I could visualize the scene based on your description.

Here are my suggestions for you:

1. You used a lot of short sentences. True they described the situation directly, but could have used a little more flavor. Don't be afraid to pimp out the words using various senses.

For example: She opened it and assembled the Barrett M107.

Suggestion : With a soft click, the case opened and her eyes gleamed with all the pieces before her. Quickly she assembled the Barrett M107, with a smooth, practiced ease. Caressing the firing bolt, with the loving touch of an old lover.

2. If you watched a movie featuring snipers, there is usually a segment where the target is in the shooter's sight. You could describe the features of the victim, allowing the reader to make a tenious attachment to them before you pull the trigger.

3. Separate paragraphs if possible, that part kinda threw me off until I realized that you meant is as a different from the first paragraph :D
Scenario 2: You completed a mission and are about to get paid when a double cross takes place.

If anyone new wants to join in just indicate which scenario you are submitting for. Thanks.
@[member="Meret Blackmoon"]

Oh before I forget, this is especially useful at the very first post of a thread. Include a short description of your character, paint an image that puts the reader in the scene of your character. While it doesn't necessarily have to be super long, it helps establish your 'persona' not just to the reader but to the site as well.

When you have been in more than enough threads, you can skip it since people know who you are and have an image in their minds already.

Example: When people say Daxton Bane, they imagine me. It would be awkward if I go Daxton Bane and they imagine a giant wookie in a thong :D
Bluejay stood on the other side of the wooden desk, arms crossed over her chest and a slight scowl on her face. On any other visit she might have noted the odd grain in the piece of furniture, but at the moment she was far too preoccupied.

"You asked for a head. I went and got it. Now...where are my credits?" She asked suspiciously, eyes narrowing to slits. Her employer, a small-time crime lord, spread his hands over the real-scale holo. "My assistant will provide it, bounty hunter. Now - "

Bluejay had heard enough, as demonstrated by the knife she slammed into the desk. "No. The terms were payment on delivery. I delivered. Now where are my credits?" She snarled, leaning in closer as though she intimidate the transmission. To his credit, the crime lord didn't flinch. "Unfortunately, you weren't as...discreet as your price tag entailed. You were noticed. Your payment is forfeit, and the local government has some very nice men coming to talk to you."

As he spoke, the door behind her split open. Taking precious seconds to speak, Bluejay glared at the projections. "I will hunt you down, Frelijarn Derrol. And I will make you beg for death." With that, she turned her back and drew her twin pistols, sending two blaster bolts into the leading official types. Both fell almost before their companions could register the vibroblade sticking out of a third policeman's chest.

As her two remaining opponents drew their blasters, Bluejay simply charged through their fire and grabbed each by the throat, slamming them against the wall and squeezing until their eyes bulged and they sagged from oxygen deprivation. Rather then check their pulses, Bluejay simply put an end to the possibility of their survival and put a blaster bolt through each of their heads.

"Done." She growled, slamming her helmet over her head. "Now..." She began, voice taking on a slightly metallic quality as it filtered through the helmet speakers. "Let's go hunting."
Adenn Gra'tua had just succeeded in killing his target, but some nearby civilians had heard the shot be fired and they had alerted the authorities. "Kriffing civilians" he said sliding a curtain to the side "there isn't much police outside" Adenn looked through the window, realizing he would have to leave there he backed up and prepared to run "time to lead the police on a chase" he said before running at the window smashing through it and sending shards of glass flying down below, hitting some of the police officers down below. He activated his jet pack boosting him to the rooftop of a building. He landed then started running, he heard the police down below yelling where he went, which was quickly drowned out by the rain from earlier. He knew where his employer was so he just had to make sure the police didn't follow him. He leaped over a gap between two buildings, he checked behind him making sure no one was behind him. Adenn stopped at the end of another building, looking down at the house that his employer was in. Leaping down he landed with a thud, he made sure that no one was watching him then entered the house. He was greeted by a man in a long coat "are you sure he's dead" the man said quietly "yes, i don't think anyone could survive a few slugs in the chest then the head" Adenn said, then the man turned around revealing a blaster rifle in his hands "that is all" he fired a shot, hitting Adenn in the chest knocking him back. Adenn pulled out one of his slug throwers and sending multiple slugs at his attacker, most of them finding their target, hitting the man in the head and upper chest. The lifeless body fell with a thud "chakaaryc" he spat. Adenn looted the body finding only a quarter of his payment on the man. He would have to get off of the planet now, the police had probably put a bounty on his head.

@[member="Daxton Bane"]
Daxton Bane said:
Scenario 2: You completed a mission and are about to get paid when a double cross takes place.
Taking my time of getting off the ship, I had a really bad ride. I had almost thrown up twice when the pilot kept speeding up and slowing down. There was a time where I was so close to punching his lights out it wouldn't have been funny. Reaching out I grabbed my bag as I took steps that seemed to echo in my ears off the ship. Inside was the arm of my most recent bounty. As much as I wanted to bring him alive, the Rodian kept fighting. I thought back to why I chose the arm rather than a leg. Usually I would have cut off the contracts head, but this time I don't think they wanted head soup. I shivered at the thought of the Rodian's head squashed by the heavy machinery. It had fallen on him, and the only thing that was not soup was his arm and leg on the right side.

The time it took me to get to the Hutt palace was about five minutes. Guards led me there as they didn't trust me. Even then, I knew that if the time came, I could take them. The palace was rather large and could easily be said that it was made out of sand and mud. The slaves worked day in day out at this heap of crap. Bounty hunters worked for the giant slug out of fear. If you went against his rule then the bounty on your head will quickly be done. Not a person that worked for him would stop until you were dead. Now as I walked down the halls of this giant mud hut I was lead to the "throne room" in essence. Sitting on a dais was the rotund slug that seemed to eat every time that I saw him. He started to speak to me in a tongue that I hoped to never learn. A protocol droid off to the side started to speak as well.

"Krinag the Hutt wishes to know if you have completed your Bounty. He is rather disappointed as the filthy Rodian is not standing there with you."

I smiled as I tossed the bag at the foot of the Dias. From it a Slave walked over and opened it revealing the arm that I had taken off. Flys roamed around it inside the reeking bag. Quickly the head of the Twi'lik slave moved away in disgust. My face then began to sprout a smirk as I spoke. "That's because he is dead. Now as for the Credits you promised...." As if on que the guards surrounded me with weapons of all kind aimed for my face, heart, and other body parts. I tried to speak but was stopped by the hutt once more. "I said that I wanted him alive, now you will die and join him in Chaos." The guards stepped back while keeping their array of weapons trained on me. Smiling I shook my head. Once again about to speak only to fall through a trap door.
@[member="Daxton Bane"]

Very good.

Just a few suggestions

1. That would be a great post for an ongoing thread. If it was the start of the thread, it would be helpful for the reader if you added some detail describing the location, the people inside, the general atmosphere, etc.

2. Weapons consistency. You said she drew a blaster in each hand, so unless she has a third hand or is using telekinesis how did she throw the throwing knife? Then she grabbed two by the throat and squeezed (so did she drop her blasters?) then shot them (so didn't drop them so how did she grab them by the throat?). I would suggest just using one style consistently if you are using a blaster you could pistol whip them, cock them out on the side of the head, press the heated barrel to flesh, etc. or you could just use one blaster if you want a fist/gun combo without it being confusing.

@[member="Adenn Gra'tua"]

Nice work. Although so many sentences in just one paragraph made it heavy to read. If you're going to do action sequences try breaking it down into three to four sentences per paragraph or action scene (mind you this is just a suggestion you could do more if you want)

Then insert some interplay between your character, npcs and the environment. If the subject is all you, the reader is left wondering, ok what happened to the cops? You could have inserted a cool action scene for yourself knocking out a couple of cops as you made a dramatic escape over the rooftops. Put your character in some danger of failing, that makes his victory all the more sweeter.

Also if you would notice, you used the word 'he' multiple times. Try alternating he with your name, or maybe an alias, or a descriptive term so it does keep repeating itself.

For example : Adenn paused to glance over his shoulder when he detected signs of pursuit. It wasn't like the Mandalorian was worried that he would be captured, he just didn't want to be bothered with the clawing paws of some middle level cop trying to make a bust.

@[member="Zack Danheir"]

Good job. Nice pacing and setting up the scene. Some suggestions:

Paragraph 2, it took you five mins to get to the Hutt palace from where (the sentence seemed incomplete). Also you could have described the trip to the palace a little more.

Same Paragraph, a description of the guards (ie. what were they wearing, how were they armed, what attitude did they have, levels of alertness) would have been nice. Sure they are throw away characters but the reader would appreciate it more if they knew why they didn't pose a threat to you.

Aside from that, good job.


Excellent work people. Last scenario : Combat against multiple opponents or a very strong opponent, possibly a force user. Ideally a battle scene or mass melee common in sw.

But aside from that good job.
When Adenn walked out the door he was greeted by multiple police officers, they turned to him "there he is!" One of them yelled before drawing his blaster and firing. Adenn dived behind a parked speeder, taking out his Mandalorian rippers Adenn returned fire immediately killing one of the five police officers "move up!" One of them ordered "call in for reinforcements" Adenn leaned out from behind the speeder spotting the police speeder, he drew his railgun and charged it up "we are requesting reinfo-" Adenn released the trigger sending four of the six shots of the railgun at the police speeder, killing two more police officers. One ran out from cover at Adenn while the other one laid down covering fire, Adenn hopped over the speeder using his jet pack to boost him to the police speeder, he landed on the hood before tackling the police officer behind it. He ejected his vibro blade before stabbing the man multiple times with it, spraying more blood on Adenn's armor. The last police officer ran up behind Adenn, thinking he could sneak up on a Mandalorian, He jumped on Adenn and attempted to take off his helmet before he was thrown off, Adenn took out one of his Mandalorian rippers and fired a shot at the mans head. Adenn looked around at the dead police officers before jet packing up to another rooftop and heading towards his ship.

@[member="Daxton Bane"]
@[member="Adenn Gra'tua"]
Good job with the pacing of the action, and keeping the story moving. Just a few minor suggestions.

1. When shifting action between your character and npcs or action between your character and anothe pc is it usually a good idea to separate the action groups into different paragraphs. This helps the reader to determine on the fly that what is happening to whom. Pretend like each paragraph is a camera capturing a specific sequence or focusing on the actions of a character or group of characters.

2. Consider putting your character in danger. When you read the rp, it is clear that there was no danger to the pc from the police units. They were outclassed and outgunned and that is fine, if that is what you are going for. But you are also trying to entertain other people reading the post you made. How eager would you be to read about the adventures of someone who never gets shot up or beaten up?

To use myself as an example: When fighting nameless mooks, I usually plow through them like an angry bull in a china shop. But when I face off pcs, Daxton has been beaten, shot up, stabbed, thrown off a ledge, etc. It makes the character more human and thus more interesting to read (at least I hope so).

Here are some additional exercises you might want to consider:

1. Synonym Game. Synonyms are a good friend for all writers of any class, it allows us to use varied words and keep our fiction fresh. Say you are walking down a street and pick some random faces in the crowd. In your head, make three different descriptions for that person as if you were telling it to someone. For added challenge, avoid common words or phrases.

2. Read up fiction. Try looking for fan fiction sites to see which writers you enjoy reading and study their style. See what you can adopt for your own style.

Now that the writing exercise has been complete, I hope my inputs have been helpful. Since you mentioned you wanted to joint post, can you please tell me if you want to do a thread were we are allies or enemies? Depending on what interests you I can propose a story suggestion for us to work with. Cheers.

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