Hello
Mike V'Trechen
, I am Vis and I will be reviewing this submission.
First, thanks for the extra large font, my old eyes needed a break. Second, we're gonna do this review by the numbers, okay?
OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION:
Everything here checks out nicely, this section is just fine.
PRODUCTION INFORMATION:
Only two issues for this section, which are:
A. Model: You have given this weapon a name, the GZUS Cannon, and that name should be put here as well. On the subject of the name itself, I do not feel it is an appropriate name, as "GZUS" is obviously a reference to "Jesus", sharing the same pronunciation. There may some across this site who might take umbrage with the reference to a religious leader and a figure whom many consider an incarnate deity. If the nature of the item being submitted were relative to the nature of that figure, iconic to that deity's specific patronage, etc. it would be fine. For example, if this were a lightning cannon and you named it 'Zeus', that would be very fitting and most apropos, given that Zeus in Greek mythology was indeed the god of lightning. Another example might be if this were a submarine and you opted to name it a 'Neptune-class' submarine, as Neptune was a god of the seas and oceans in classical antiquity. However, simply calling this the GZUS Cannon without any sort of relevancy to the nature or role of the deity implied might be seen as offensive and cause this submission to be reported as offensive or inappropriate later. This is merely food for thought, you may leave the name and take the risk, however I would be remiss if I did not call attention to the potential problems which might arise later. Or you can elect to change the name now, either way it is your choice.
B. Materials: Please hyperlink the wookieepedia article for durasteel found here:
https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Durasteel
Those are my only two issues with the "Production Information" section, and so I will move on.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:
Despite some really high ratings, this balances out. Nice job, very efficient use of balancing to make a highly powerful weapon.
SPECIAL FEATURES:
It is the right of every writer on Chaos to call their own damage during RP combat, and thus your statement which implies that it can destroy 'multiple squadrons of starfighters' might need some retooling. I would suggest the following:
The sheer destructive capability of this weapon is, by any measure, impressive beyond words. The potency of the lasers, their wide area of effect, and battlefield ranging provides the capability to inflict a swath of damage against an enemy fleet, one which to whole squadrons of starfighters or to corvettes and frigates may be incredibly destructive.
This suggestion takes away any static implications of damage inflicted and instead provides a suggestion of the scope and degree of damage this cannon makes possible.
The rest here is fine, except that by pointing out it takes time in between shots to allow the weapon to recharge you might consider lowering your "Rate of Fire" rating by one or even two points, which would allow you to use them elsewhere and make the ratings of this weapon more in line with its description.
STRENGTHS:
"It has the capacity to destroy a multitude of fighter ships within a single volley." Again, you do not want to imply or presume to call damage here, so I suggest rewording this strength as before. Perhaps something like this:
Cannon is capable of delivering an awesome amount of destructive power across a wide range and distance, offering potential to consume an entire squadron of fighters if flying in close formation or else to make a powerful strike against smaller-sized capital ships such as corvettes and frigates, capable of inflicting considerable damage to its targets.
"It is fuelled by the planet’s core, allowing for it to have near unlimited energy." This is fine.
"The lasers are heat seekers. This will be much more accurate when firing upon large heat signals such as ships and large vessels, but it is hard to destroy bigger ships in one fire." Again, this is a bit awkward, so you might consider rewording this strength also. Might I suggest:
Heat-seeking lasers allow for much improved accuracy when targeting larger heat signatures, such as fighter squadrons in close formation or capital ships.
Leave out the parts about being incapable of destroying large ships in a single shot, as this is more a weakness than a strength.
WEAKNESSES:
"Due to the massive amounts of energy used to fire this weapon, it is necessary to allow for a certain cooldown time in between volleys to avoid overloading the weapon’s primary systems." This is fine.
"The weapon due to its immense use of energy and heat is prone to overheating and thus needs proper cooldown to avoid warping of the internals and faulty mechanisms." This is essentially saying the same thing as the first one, and because it is redundant, I ask that you remove it or consolidate the language of the first two weaknesses into a single one instead.
"It has to do multiple hits to destroy big ships like carriers and flag ships." This is a great weakness, but awkward wording, you might try instead:
Cannon's destructive power is considerable, however it remains most effective against smaller-sized vessels or squadrons of fighters in close formation. Against large capital ships such as frigates and greater, it would require several volleys before the cannons could effectively destroy such vessels.
DESCRIPTION
"The GZU5 is located in Shâsot. This is the primary defense and attack feature, except the Shield Gate. This is to protect the planet from any depending battles. The planet is important because this is the only force academy planet in the Zweihander Union."
Couple of things here: Please hyperlink Shasot to its Wookieepedia or Chaos article / submission. Also, try retooling this section to read something like this:
The cannon is located in Shasot, a planet considered vital to the Zweihander Union as the site of its only force academy, acting as a primary planetary defense weapon against invasions or bombardments.
"The GZU5 targets multiple squads of ships, but cannot do rapid fire. There is a wait time between shots. If the engineers do not follow the wait time, the cannon will be overheated and break. When this happens, it cannot fire for the rest of the battle."
Potentially rework this to read something like:
The cannon is heat-seeking, able to target larger heat signatures such as those offered by close formations of fighters or capital ships. Unable to fire rapidly, the weapon requires a cooldown period before it can launch the next volley, and if this is pre-empted or ignored, the weapon risks overheating and becoming disabled, rendering it inactive until repairs can be made - a period which can take days or even weeks to perform, making it useless in any present engagements.
Okay, that's it. In all, this is a really cool cannon and a neat idea reminiscent of the "Guns of Navarone" in World War 2, which was a favorite story of mine as a kid. The corrections I have asked are simple enough, please make them and then tag me here when you're finished and we can get this behemoth of an artillery piece approved!
Thanks so much!
Ingrid L'lerim
