Craving

[Allyson Locke]

Yellow streams of light filled the air around her. She knew what they were, but she hadn’t seen them in some time. They moved about her and Spencer took a few steps back trying to avoid them. They grew in number and threatened to take over the space she was left with. When she couldn’t avoid them any longer, the burning touch of the ribbons of light pierced her skin. She felt weak as she was drained from several of the streaks piercing her skin. Looking up into the dark space, she saw those ice blue eyes she knew all too well.

“Ashin!”

Spencer sat up in the large bed alone. She had been having that nightmare for a few weeks now, the same thing over and over again. She brought her hand to her forehead, not to help calm herself, but to focus her mind on sensing the blood mark she had placed on Ashin. Feeling it helped keep her heart from beating out of her chest and this time when she sensed it, the feeling was closer. It meant only one thing.

[member="Ashin Varanin"] was coming home.

Crawling out of the bed, she walked across the room and headed down the hallway. She passed Ibaris’ room and poked her head in to see the five year old passed out. Walking in, she brought the covers of her bed higher tucking her in. Spencer left the room and moved into the kitchen, if she was right about the distance compared to the close feeling – Ashin would be arriving rather soon. If anything a warm cup of caf or hot cocoa would be a good welcome – along with Spencer’s sleepy face. After a few minutes, the milk was warm and Spencer added in the chocolate. She stirred till everything was mixed and then poured it into a cup. She leaned against the counter tops in her pjs not really caring about the loose t-shirt hanging off her shoulders. The warm cup was brought to her lips and she sipped the drink. Her mind wandered while she stood there in silence, why was she dreaming about Ashin and her Force Drain? What did it mean? Was it just her imagination acting up, or was her connection with the Force turning into Force dreams.

Spencer groaned as she remembered her crazy older sister and her Force Dreams. [member="Kytarra Hawk"] was something else. Trying not to look too deep into it, she took another sip and sighed softly.

 

[Ashin Varanin]

[member="Spencer Jacobs"]

Still wearing her coat, feet still cramped from the boots that sat by the door, Ashin slipped out of Ibaris' room and joined her wife in the kitchen.

"I went to look in on her. Couldn't kiss her goodnight without..." Her face twisted in a grimace as she rested her elbows on the counter beside Spencer. Any other day, she'd rest her hand on the small of Spencer's back, or a little lower, the kind of sincere joke they'd made of their intimacy for a long time now. Any other day she'd steal a sip of the hot chocolate. Uncomfortable, she pushed back again and stripped off the leather coat. She met Spencer's eyes, finally, and the pale poison-blue glowed Bando Gora bright for a heartbeat. Spencer would be able to read the whole story in that sign alone.

"I ran into Darth Odium on -- feth, I don't even remember what world. Force Drain is his specialty." She scratched at a half-healed cut on her neck. "He woke me up. I used. Now I can't even...can't even kiss my kid goodnight without worrying I'll lose my grip on the leash. I only had one way to counter what he was going, and I wasn't strong enough to let myself die, even though I promised the Five I'd die before my time.

"It's in my blood. I lost control, I mean binged." In other circumstances she could claim eloquence, but thoughts came fast, terse, a flurry. "We killed a mountain together, Odium and I, both lost control trying to take each other out.

"All those Jedi. I spent so long trying to be what I used to be, trying to be something they wouldn't sneer at. Now they'll all know they were right, and they'll never trust me on Korriban again. Nor should they. Forever will it dominate your destiny."

 

[Allyson Locke]

Turning, she faced Ashin as she approached her, it didn’t take the length of their relationship, nor her Empathy to figure something was terribly wrong. Spencer saw it and felt it, she knew this wasn’t going to be the usual home coming. Watching Ashin, she moved and poured a second mug of cocoa, just in case and set it near Ashin. Everything the woman had worked for, everything she buried deep inside of her was ruined. Spencer let her talk and she nodded knowing that this was coming up, mostly from the dreams.

“Ashin…” Spencer started, she set her mug down and moved closer to the woman. She wasn’t scared of the Force Drain or Ashin at this point in her life. There had been a time that Spencer stood next to the Former Empress when her hunger was at the surface – she didn’t fear her life then and she didn’t fear her life now. A soft smile spread across her face and she reached out and brushed just the tips of her fingers against Ashin’s cheek. Her hand fell and she stared back into the blue ice of her wife’s eyes. “You’ve beaten this before and you’ll beat it again. It had been years since you had done anything with force drain – it’s the only counter to itself.”

“If you were out of control I would be pulling you off of Ibaris, there’s still fight in you to control yourself. You haven’t attacked me, you’re not a rabid animal. The Five trusted you and from what you’ve told me about them, they probably knew this would happen. You have to keep fighting, keep showing this galaxy who you are. The Jedi don’t matter, as much as I hate to say this…they sneer at anything that isn’t exactly like them. You could save thousands of lives, destroy the Sith and they would still curse your name, my name, and anything or anyone that was associated with you.” Spencer remained close to Ashin as she spoke, her voice showing the frustration with the Jedi remembering when she and Ashin jumped out of their council’s window. In her heart of hearts she knew the Jedi would never be anything like they were when she was in their ranks – even then they were crooked.

“Let me help you get through this.”

[member="Ashin Varanin"]

 

[Ashin Varanin]

[member="Spencer Jacobs"]

She moved to the couch, fingers trailing on Spencer's to lead her along, and sat with her right knee pulled up to her chest. The knee that had taken multiple serious injuries, kept her bound to a cane, before she'd finally and recently allowed Spencer to heal it. "I'm done stopping you from helping me. I know you can help me get a handle on this. You know what the hunger's like, you know what it takes to control it. I know you trust me, but you of all people understand why I can never trust myself."

Hugging her knee tighter, she barked a laugh. "Stupid words from someone who's put absolute faith in herself a hundred times. I must sound like an idiot."

 

[Allyson Locke]

Spencer followed and sat beside the woman on the couch. It was different hearing her speak low of herself, but Ashin's biggest critic has always been herself. Nodding at the mention of the hunger, she fully understood it, but why she was able to control it was something far easier to explain than what it seemed. "I'm not super human or something outlandish that I can sit here and be okay with the hunger. I feel it deep down into my core, but what I'm made of...it helps."

Shifting she rested her head on Ashin's shoulder and held her hand so they both could see it. "My midichlorians, they are in the twenty thousands...which is pretty common for those created by manipulation." Smiling she patted Ashin's hand, the one holding the recently healed knee. "I know you don't need a lesson on what they are but the reason I can handle it is because of the amount of force potential my body has. It helps, of course there are days where I go insane, but I usually lock myself away and meditate till its gone. I can't force drain myself...trust me I've tried."

Thinking to herself after she spoke an idea manifested itself. Sitting straight up she turns to Ashin. "I can take a hit from you and if you start getting greedy I know when to cut you off." There was a look in her eye and Ashin would see it.

"Use me and I'll slowly pull you off of this addiction. Feed on me whatever and I'll work with you on meditating, it will require you sitting still for longer than an hour, but I know you have the will power to do it."

The scenario was familiar, but Spencer didn't bring up her past.

"I won't take no as an answer, if you need to or want to right now you can. I'm rested up"

[member="Ashin Varanin"]

 

[Ashin Varanin]

[member="Spencer Jacobs"]

"So this is what horror feels like." She caught a glimpse of herself in the window, the tightness around her eyes and lips. "But it'd be ridiculous to say no five minutes after I said I was done with that. And I suppose you're strong enough to stop me if I go too far -- you were stronger than me even at my best. I'm grateful, but I..."

She let down her knee, leaned against Spencer, took her wife's hand in hers. "Point of contact might help me control it. If we do this, it's touch only for safety. Ah...ready, I suppose."

No need to close her eyes, and she needed to not close them, needed to watch herself do this in the window reflection. No excuses, no qualifications.

She began.

 

[Allyson Locke]

This was easier than she expected, which worried her. Either Ashin was confident enough with Spencer being able to ween her off or she was that addicted...possibly both. Whatever the case, Spencer knew what she had to do. Contact would make the experience personal, it quickly reminded her of Erich and how he lovingly held her as he drained her near death. That experience only prepared her for this.

Spencer smiled as she nodded, she was ready and knew she couldn't cry out or she would wake up Ibaris. Relaxation was key and she settled in right at the moment she felt the drain start. It had been sometime since Ashin had drained her that first time, before it was to teach now it was something like survival. The pain was the same, she started to feel as if someone was depriving her of food or water, the hunger grew, but she fought it.

The pain grew worse, but she kept it off her face. Spencer wondered if she tasted different compared to others who were properly convinced.

"How...how ya feelin'"

[member="Ashin Varanin"]

 

[Ashin Varanin]

[member="Spencer Jacobs"]

She stopped -- immediately -- Spencer's voice breaking her reverie. "Feth, I went too far, didn't I."

Her hand was white, fingers so tense it hurt; she released it like an iron claw breaking free of rust. "This was a mistake. After Myrkr...Myrkr showed me, or should have showed me, that your energy's more related to your health than most. This was...this was a mistake."

There was a little potted plant on the coffee table, emphasis on the past tense. She dumped it in the trash on her way to look in on Ibaris, make sure nothing had bled through. Only once she'd checked on the sleeping girl, to her full satisfaction, did she come back to the living room.

"I wish I'd never taught you this. Wish I'd never learned, or never had the option when Odium hit me. I wish I'd -- I wish I was -- feth, Spence, I can't even say I'd rather die than hurt you. This isn't what you signed on for."

 

[Allyson Locke]

Spencer stood up. She was okay, experiencing Myrkr helped make her stronger. Waiting for Ashin to return to the living room she fixed herself and looked better. The break allowed her body to settle and adjust to the drain.

"I had to learn Ashin. You had to teach me. If you didn't where would I be? Probably dead by someone using it on me draining me till I didn't exist anymore." Two, three steps she stood in front of Ashin, she reached out and grabbed the woman's pale hand. Holding it between her warm palms, a smile broke on her face. In an instant she placed her wife's hand on her chest, over her heart.

"You didn't take much, I'm good I bounce back quickly. I'm offering you me Ashin, please just take what you need. I'm your wife trust me. Myrkr made me stronger and this will help me in the end. Ibaris needs both of us, so take it."

[member="Ashin Varanin"]

 

[Ashin Varanin]

[member="Spencer Jacobs"]

Ashin's lips compressed in a firm line, but she kept herself from pulling back her hand. "I'm full."

No, I'll never be full.

"...no," she said at last, "I'll never be full."

She began to drain Spencer again, just a little, as slow as she could make herself go.

"With glitterstim, or other drugs, you're always chasing the first high. Diminishing returns. But with this? Sure, you can never be satisfied, but the highs get stronger, until you wind up as Nihilus, or Odium, or me." Her fingertips tightened on Spencer's collarbone. With a hissing sigh, Ashin backed off, let her hand fall to her side. "As for what that means for beating this again, I doubt it's anything good."

 

[Allyson Locke]

Spencer covered up the pain the best she could. She knew what to expect this time around, the slow and steady drain was worse than the sudden rush. It was going to be something she would have to get used to for the time being, she understood though why Ashin drained slowly – most likely to control herself. Listening to the woman she shook her head in response. “You’re not like them. They’re out of control, driven by the hunger. You’re different Ashin – you recognize it and even now you fight it. If you were like them – I would be dead.”

Taking a step forward, she pulled Ashin into a hug mostly to hide the sudden weakness she felt in her legs, but also to comfort the woman. Smiling as she looked up. “Unlike before you’re not alone. You have me and we’ll beat it together – get it under control. You look tired lets get you to bed, tomorrow I’ll do a healing session with you, make sure everything is in order and then we’ll get to meditating and working towards control. Sound okay?”

[member="Ashin Varanin"]

 

[Ashin Varanin]

[member="Spencer Jacobs"]

"As long as the healing's tomorrow." She let Spencer lead her from the couch toward the bedroom. "I'm bone weary and I'm not the one that just got drained."

She shrugged off the jacket and tossed it over the foot of the bed, the hooked her fingers under her shirt and dragged it up and over in one twisting motion. In other contexts the act might have been provocative, but this was about getting ready for sleep as quickly as humanly possible. Shirt and trousers joined the coat on the edge of the bed. Swapping her bra for a nightshirt, she crawled in between cool sheets and wedged a pillow under her neck, facing Spencer. One hand rested on the swell of her wife's hip, but she was too tired for anything other than symbolic intimacy, and Spencer had to be feeling it too.

"I'm sorry," she murmured again, and was out.

 

[Allyson Locke]

Spencer had remained quiet as Ashin changed for bed, she was doing her best to focus on her body helping it regain whatever was lost and to push down the hunger it was feeling. She couldn't imagine not being able to control it, to want to feed uncontrolled, yet Ashin controlled herself. Looking over her shoulder the woman crawled into bed and Spencer did the same. She remained quiet as she heard the apology.

Ashin's hand warm against her hip brought comfort and the girl was able to push aside anything that was lingering from the draining. In time it would get easier, for the both of them. Ashin proved she could control it and because she was draining from someone she cared about – it would prove to be harder, just like Spencer had hoped for. Sighing softly, she nodded answering quietly the passed out woman's request. Reaching up, she held Ashin's cheek for a moment then kissed the woman's forehead the best she could. Yawning twice, she finally snuggled against the woman and fell asleep while doing her best to keep the two of them in a calm state.

It was the least she could do to protect Ashin from any nightmares. The woman needed rest.

[member="Ashin Varanin"]

 

[Ashin Varanin]

[member="Spencer Jacobs"]

Dreams tore her loose from the timestream. Objectively, it happened every once in a while, but each identical dream connected her to the same moment. Perhaps timelessness itself was the truly objective reality, and her perception only a function of her mortal condition. Humanoids perceived the flow of time much like a group of blind men trying to identify a ronto. One felt the horn, one the foot, one the tail and one the flank. Each believed the ronto to be something it simultaneously was and was not. None could perceive the whole of the creature.

Nobody could perceive every instant in eternity. But every now and again, she got a glimpse of some other point, and that vision drove her.

She'd been awake and staring at the ceiling for a good half hour once Spencer stirred. "I had the dream again," she said quietly. "You throwing hell at me, and me walking on. You know what I've been training for. I think I'm almost...almost ready to try. Not today, not if you don't want to, but soon. I'm back."

 

[Allyson Locke]

Spencer stirred, she looked over at Ashin. The woman might have been quiet for the 30mins that she stared at the ceiling, but mentally and in the Force the woman was louder than anything known to the galaxy. Spencer had gotten used to it all, but she couldn't stay asleep any longer. Blinking a few times, she listened to what Ashin had to say. Nodding, she remembered hearing about the dream several times. She had tried to piece together something she had never seen, this time though she just listened.

Scooting closer she leaned up and looked at Ashin, a smile crossed her face she knew exactly what this meant. “Ready? Before you attempt to move the stars I'd like to get your healing sessions out of the way. What did you see this time? You look a bit tired.”

Pausing, Spencer kissed the ebony woman's cheek and continued to smile. “Are you hungry?” The tone of her voice implied the sentence to both of the hungers she knew lived within Ashin.


[member="Ashin Varanin"]

 

[Ashin Varanin]

[member="Spencer Jacobs"]

After a couple of years married, they fit together, a comment like that either a familiar joke or a familiar invitation. Either way, it meant home.

Her other hunger qualified as antithetical, the opposite of everything comfortable, the worst reflection of the part of her that wanted to take and never give back. She didn't like to think of herself that way, but after this long she could face it. As long as she'd been with Spencer, she'd been with Force Drain longer, and at times she'd been just as committed.

These desires were opposites, their combination an abomination. So when she said yes, it qualified as one of the lowest, most transcendent, most transgressive points of her life.

She'd always prided herself on being a giver, focused, intent. Now that focus and that intent pinned Spencer down. Ashin's hands and mouth became the contact points for a visceral, one-sided exchange of energy -- hunger at its most selfish. Her only solace, the part that kept this reciprocal, was her guess at Spencer's state of mind, though hunger blotted out sensitivity. Pleased surprise at the role reversal, satisfaction that she could help Ashin through this time of trial, enjoyment of half the moment.

And this, right here, was the moment when she realized just how wise her wife had grown. Intimacy had a pace to it, often including an understanding of control even at its most energetic. That ability to pace herself, to understand Spencer's timing and rhythms, offered serious insights on how Ashin could pace the satisfaction of her Force-based hunger. So she took her time.

 

[Allyson Locke]

Ashin answered her quietly and quickly pushed her over then pinned. The places of contact, the skin to skin started to burn as her energy was absorbed into the other woman. She didn't close her eyes, she looked up and smiled. At this moment among others she would be able to repay Ashin for everything. Feeling the drain, she did her best to settle her own hunger during the process. There was something magical through the transfer of energy, through their love and every moment that passed.

This time though, Spencer didn't let the draining last as long as it did before. Fighting it, she reached pushed and flipped Ashin off of her. In the process she pinned Ashin to her side of the bed and stared down at the woman. “Fight it.” This was the start of the process, to teach, to control Ashin. She said she was ready, it was time to finally prove it. There was a hunger for the both of them. Spencer grinned softly through Ashin's feeding, she waited as she leaned down and kissed softly her Empress. [member="Ashin Varanin"]

 

[Ashin Varanin]

[member="Spencer Jacobs"]

This position was well-trodden ground, a sharp contrast with the unfamiliar sensation of being Force Drained by her wife. She'd been at the receiving end of this technique more than once -- there was no other way to learn it, which always made her wonder where it had come from to begin with -- but not often from Spencer. Being consumed like this couldn't be described as comfortable, per se. More like soul-crushing almost-pain and oppressive cold. Spencer's mouth and hands should have burned by contrast, but those were the contact points. Ashin groaned, and wasn't quite sure why.

After an indeterminate amount of time, she remembered that she was supposed to fight back. Physically, she was more than a match for Spencer, or would have been if not for the profound weakness that stole over her. Her wrists strained against her wife's grip, and her hunger met Spencer's. That was, all things considered, the best way to defy Force Drain -- to reciprocate.

There was something immensely right about this.

 

[Allyson Locke]

The exchange of energy, the essence that was the their life force, the one thing that made them special and here they were drawing it, draining it from each other. With every ounce drained, another ounce was given. The tantalizing dance they participated in continued roles switching, once Spencer felt that her wife and lover was ready to give out from the dance, she eased off. The girl relinquished her power and allowed Ashin to pull whatever energy she needed.

The collapsing on the woman, nuzzling the woman's neck Spencer spoke quietly. “I'll need a moment before we can start the healing.” It took her a moment, but she finally felt what she actually felt like, how weak the escapade had made her. Leaning up, she paused and then decided that resting against Ashin was what she was going to do for now. Taking a deep breath, she hugged Ashin tightly as she began to regain her strength.

“How are you feeling?” [member="Ashin Varanin"]

 

[Ashin Varanin]

[member="Spencer Jacobs"]

Hungry. Always hungry still.

She buried that acknowledgement, then the recognition, then the desire. Not just to keep Spencer from feeling it -- though she couldn't really hide much from her empath Force-master wife -- but to keep herself under control.

"Better than I was, in some ways," she said diplomatically, and found that she meant quite a lot of it. After two years of marriage, they fit together instinctively, comfortably. That comfort, at this exact moment, held sole responsibility for holding her together. "Thank you for that, Spence. Seriously...I wouldn't feel human at all without you doing this for me. It'd be one thing if I was a Master still, but I'm just...not. I lost so much of myself when I let them cut me off.

"I'm sorry about that."