Private Child's Eyes | Lileas

[Auteme]

“A man who wishes to make a profession of goodness in everything must necessarily come to grief among so many who are not good. Therefore, it is necessary… to learn how not to be good, and to use this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the case.”
Lileas ​

"Sorry I'm late," she said, dumping her things on the table on one end of the training room. The room was large -- technically among one of the Temple's many Halls -- but given the relatively low population of the New Jedi Order, it was unlikely they'd be disturbed.

Yet, she wouldn't be surprised. With everything going on, it felt almost like a waste of time to be here teaching.

Almost.

It felt worse, remembering her promise to Lileas that she'd help the girl become a Jedi. Auteme barely felt like a Jedi. Most days she spent reading, thinking, studying, talking. She was a walking, perceiving mind, stressed by every possibility, calculating every risk. The political world had begun to take over. Even here, alone with her apprentice, she felt the need to keep moving. There was always more to do.

She forced herself to stop, to breathe. Lileas was... important. Not just because of her potential, or Auteme's suspicions about the girl's family; it was all the similarities to herself when she was younger. Curiously, Lileas was very nearly the person Auteme wanted to be. She just needed a little more help getting there.

"Alright, well, let's get started," she said, putting her hands on her hips. "Today we'll be... er- what was it I was going to teach you?"

 

[Lileas]

Little bird, trapped in the snow, where do you go to find something you could eat? The word around the vine is that you're starving. Don't let yourself go hungry now, don't let your wings succumb to frost. Where've you gone, sweet bird? It's cold outside, so awfully cold. Where've you flown of too? Why'd you soar away so far from home?

Lileas wrote these words in her little notebook at she awaited the arrival of her new master. She wasn't sure where the story came from, but it appeared in her head as a misty image. Hazy, as though it were like a semi-forgotten dream. But as she wrote, some more details became clear. The bird was struggling as it flew against a blizzard's gale, steadfast and determined but ultimately doomed. No creature could survive such an ordeal. So why did this one continue to push forward against such an unrelenting force of nature?

The only detail that eluded her was what kind of bird it was that fought so hard.

When Auteme finally walked into the training hall, Lileas shut her book as though she was a child caught drawing under their bedsheets when they were meant be be asleep. It was a silly thing, Auteme was the one who was tardy and she wouldn't be upset in the slightest to find her apprentice killing time in such a harmless manner. But the story seemed personal, for a reason she couldn't explain. Maybe she'd share some of her fantasies with her master some day. But for now, she needed to focus on her training. Lileas was a Jedi now. Silly frivolities such as this could wait.

Oh dear, she looks even more tired than last time. There was something weighing on Auteme, though Lileas could not hazard a guess as to what it was. Hopefully, nothing to do with her. The last thing Lileas wanted was to be a burden. If there was anything her master needed assistance with, she wanted to help. But was it her place to pry into the business of a Jedi Knight, when she had only been a padawan for less than a week?

For the moment, Lileas would act as a normal apprentice. But she cared for Auteme. If her master's situation became fraught with danger or uncertainty, Lileas would be there for her. "If I'm remembering right, you were going to go over the basic tenets of the Jedi. Following that, you were going to teach me what exactly it means to be Force-sensitive."

Together the two had discovered that Lileas was able to wield the Force, though she still did not quite understand what that meant. But perhaps that could explain the bizarre phenomena that had been occurring since she awoke on Typha-Dor. "Afterwards, if we have the time, you were going to teach me basic telekinesis or low-level precognition, I forget which. I badgered you to instruct me on so many different things," Lileas said, laughing through the apology. She hoped that she hadn't overstepped any boundaries since joining the Jedi Order. She was eager to learn, but she was still just one woman. A new student picked up from a winery so many stars away.

Lileas shook once with eager anticipation, then composed herself.

It was time to learn.

Auteme

 

[Auteme]

Lileas
​

"Right." Her stance relaxed. She could do a little philosophy lesson easily -- the Force, however, was a different matter. Flattening her presence to avoid the detection of her emotions had become a taxing experience, not in that it was difficult, but that it felt as though she were smothering her connection to the Force somehow. Telekinesis would be fine. Sensing would be fine.

Oh, how far had she fallen that she thought in such skill-based terms? She gave a slight sigh, searching for the mysticism of the Force again. It was something she'd wanted to impart on Lileas since the beginning. A girl without preconceptions, perfect for building a great Jedi.

"They teach the basics of the Force and being a Jedi to younglings, and honestly, that might just be all you need to know. No one can teach you to be a Jedi -- you can learn from others, certainly, but in the end it is always your choice, how you act and conduct yourself. However," she said, moving to sit cross-legged at the center of the training room, "those other Jedi, those teachers, are models for yourself. The core of Jedi morals is a fluid thing, yet it is grounded in the idea that we are meant to do good. And while we might often defer to the will of the Force- if you believe in that kind of thing- it's ultimately up to us what we decide is good. To help us with that we look to others, those who we believe are greater and more virtuous, and emulate them until we are worthy of emulation."

She paused a moment. "That's- I mean, that's a lot. But it's basically virtue theory, if you ever want to take a peek into the Archives on the subject. When you see someone doing the right thing, at the right place, at the right time, in the right amount, to the right people, that is a virtuous person, and striving to be like that, to hone judgement and seek moderation between the extremes of deficiency and abundance, that is where the good of a Jedi comes from. The galaxy is a vast place, and we are still people, but as long as we try to do the right thing, whatever that may be, then we can be assured that we are good.

"Plus, it means I'm not your only teacher." She grinned. "There are lots of people to learn from, so don't hesitate to go seek them out, and obviously take this burden of teaching off me."

 

[Lileas]

Lileas listened to Auteme's words as though they were the tenets of some religious text. She told herself to be critical of the teachings before she began, and she intended to follow through with that. She was essentially a newborn in a young adult's body, with only vague memories of her youth. She trusted Auteme, she truly did. But if she were to commit herself to any doctrine she needed to ensure it was one that she could believe in. One that wouldn't view her naivety as something to be exploited. At the end of the day, Lileas only wished that the Jedi could make her a better version of herself, and help those who were once in shoes similar to hers.

Auteme's words gave Lileas hope. She had so, so much to learn. And that was alright. The fluidity of the Force might be a difficult thing for Lileas to grasp, or it might not. Good and evil are matters of perspective in some cases, Lileas thought to herself. Just because one man is evil doesn't mean his enemy is good. And just because a man donates to charity, his generosity alone does not make him a saint. But if I honestly believe that I'm doing good, then I suppose I'm on the right path.

She suspected it would be something she wouldn't fully understand until the moment passed her by, and she could reflect on whatever she had done. Not everything could be learned from a mentor or book. Perhaps the most valuable lessons came from moments that lasted only a second, but were felt for the rest of one's life.

My brothers would have made good Jedi, Lileas thought sadly. They had always made her smile. If she could replicate even a shred of the joy her siblings created for her, Lileas would know that she had done a good thing.

Lileas stifled a wince of sadness at the mention of teaching being a burden for Auteme. She had already felt as though she were here almost by fluke. There were padawans that had been training since they were children, and then one day some amnesiac waltzes in and all of a sudden a Jedi Knight is giving her special attention? The guilt has subtly gnawed at her since her arrival. Lileas tried not to think to hard about it, she understood that Auteme was more stressed than usual and it might have only been poor phrasing on her part, and nothing personal. She bit her lip and clenched her fists anyways, and her gaze went from Auteme to the cold floor of the training hall.

"I... think I understand. I still feel like I'm new to this whole living thing. But though I may be a bit lost, I've felt the aches in my heart when I see something that isn't right. I'd... just like to make the universe a happier place than it was yesterday."

Lileas very nearly said that she'd be sure to ask another Jedi how to do that. But that would have been unnecessarily cruel. Auteme was struggling with something. Where did that horrible whisper come from?

"Before we begin practicing my utilization, there is one more question I'd like to ask. You've told me what it means to be a Jedi, both here and when we met on Typha-Dor. And I do believe that in time, I'll understand what it means for myself. But just as I once did not know what a Jedi was, there's still one more term that escapes my comprehension. Auteme," she said, once again looking her friend in the eyes.

"What's a Sith?"

 

[Auteme]

Lileas
​

"I-I was joking," she said, struck with a pang of regret over Lileas's sudden sadness. Yet, it was insight into the girl; at the very least, Auteme appreciated the honesty, even if it sprang from misunderstanding. "I've, er, been told I'm not very funny."

For all her mastery of words, playful sarcasm seemed a secret beyond her. She stood up and moved over to Lileas, placing a gentle hand on the girl's shoulder. "Lileas, you're a breath of fresh air for me. It's, I mean- kind of weird, but you're kind of like... someone just learning to walk. That- seems a bit rude, but it's the only thing I can think of to describe it, like- you have a clearer view, without all the baggage of other knowledge that weighs everyone else down; like you could fall down at any moment, but you're moving forward anyways. It's inspiring. And, y'know- I'm part of the universe, and I'm a little bit happier right now, so don't worry about it so much. Your happiness matters, too."

She smiled, and hoped her tone was clearer this time.

The question that followed, however, seemed like a threat to that weightlessness Lileas possessed. Auteme considered the question for a little while.

"The Sith," she finally began, "Are irrelevant to your learning to become a Jedi.

"Admittedly that's a somewhat unique stance to take among Jedi, given some... views... about the nature of the Force, but I think the Jedi are able to stand on their own. I promise to teach you about them soon -- and in this case, I will teach you, so don't go looking for information on them just yet -- but for now I want you to focus on the Force."

Auteme took a deep breath to center herself, then pressed her palms together, as if praying for a moment. When her hands parted, semi-translucent water-like glowing strands connecting them. Her hands moved like a winding river, the strands lengthening, weaving, almost giving off a sound like waves lapping at the shore, and the smell of sea spray.

"The Force is many things, but ultimately, if you have a belief about the Force, it tends to be true. Your relationship to the Force is your own, how you see it is up to you, and how you apply it -- or better yet, how it applies itself for you -- is up to you. To me, the Force is a combination of a few things. Light, both goodness in people and in the Force; water, flowing and changing, taking many forms, a great force; and a lattice, connecting all people, all things.

"Powers, all that, it comes later. But let's start with your connection to the Force. You can ask me whatever questions you want, but be careful not to rely on me too much. I don't want to hinder your thoughts."

 

[Lileas]

Lileas settled as Auteme spoke, hopefully her reaction hadn't been too upsetting. Sometimes her motions seemed robotic, the difference between humor and genuine feelings were difficult to grasp. Lileas acknowledged that she was Auteme's apprentice, but she also considered the woman her friend. And friends... laugh together, right? Gods, this is something a child would understand. I ought to know some way to fix this.

"Maybe it was funny, maybe it wasn't," Lileas said with a shy smile. "I know sometimes I can be a bit naïve, and at times I seem like a bit of a cuckoo. Comes with my situation, I suppose. I'm truly grateful you've been so patient with me. There are a thousand things every day that I'm trying to figure out. Even a remark made in jest might be lost on me, and that's neither of our faults. It's just something we'll need to work through. I'm alright with laughing at how silly this all is. And believe me, Auteme. I haven't met many other Jedi, but if the Force is some sort of guiding presence than I'm happy it place me at your side."

"My brothers would have liked you," she said, meaning it as the highest compliment she could give. She often wondered what life might had been like if they all went to school together, they'd have been in separate grades but even the simple novelty of walking to class together nearly brought a wistful tear to her eye. But now that she studied within a Jedi Temple, she couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to have her brothers by her side, all learning together. "I fear I'll always have a bit of a hole in my heart, knowing they're no longer with us. That somehow I've lived and they have not. But you've managed to fill a bit of that void, Auteme. Thank you."

Lileas settled down, accepting that whatever the Sith were would be revealed another time. She trusted Auteme to guide her as she best saw fit. She watched her mentor guide the Force, strands of silk dancing like a stream of running water. She knew she couldn't mimic Auteme, she had just said that one's relationship with the Force varied from person to person.

Lileas held her hands together, like she was clasping a warm cup of tea. And from that warmth, the Force was drawn out like a blossoming flower. A tiny ball of light floated in-between her hands, no larger than a firefly. Though small the light felt warm and sweet, like honey in the sun. And finally, for the first time since waking up, Lileas had known she had done something right.

Auteme

 

[Auteme]

Lileas
​

Auteme watched, amazed at Lileas's small creation. The girl worried so much, yet when it came down to it, Lileas had a connection as pure as any Auteme had seen. She moved closer and knelt. Then, she smiled.

"That's amazing, Lileas." For the first time in a while, she felt a sort of excitement rising in her chest, and a feeling like she was doing something right. Without interference or knowledge of the darkness, Lileas instinctively chose the Light, just as it seemed to choose her. The girl had a brilliant presence. It shone in ever action and every word, and here it was given physical form.

"I was about your age when I figured out how to do that," she said, remembering the first time she'd properly met the then-Senator Adhira Chandra. "But you make it look natural. It's amazing.

"Hold onto it, though -- tell me how it feels."