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Disclaimer: Regrettably, and I will be the first to admit, you will notice that the earliest threads of his have been posted using AI. I wrote them myself, but asked ChatGPT to rewrite them. I had, at the time, returned from a leave of absence after a rather horrible, toxic experience and wished to try to change my writing style, thinking AI might help me write better. Over time, I found this only made me feel fake and guilty for using it, and so I no longer use it for character posts. I do, however, feel I need to provide a disclaimer when posting a character feedback thread and point this out for clarity, specifically regarding the earlier parts of Balun's story. When the first AI OOC thread went up, I was quite open about my use of it, and you can pretty much consider any use of it having stopped prior to that. In any case, moving on to the point of this Feedback thread.
Started on April 13th 2024, it's been just over a year since I began writing Balun Dashiell, originally named Balun Vale, as a youngling abandoned to the New Jedi Order of the Galactic Alliance by parents that, at that time, I did not have a known identity for.
Today, he is with The Jedi Order of the High Republic and currently stands at 115 Threads, recently Knighted on his 109th thread by his Master Ala Quin
, and has reunited with both his father Judah Dashiell
, his brother Makai Dashiell
and his estranged Mother Kristyl Arenais
-- giving him something of a legacy to live up to between both families.
Story-wise, he has gone from Jedi runaway, street rat, gang wannabe, smuggler, Rogue Jedi, Jedi Apprentice, and now learning to be a proper Jedi Knight, adhering to the qualities, morality and discipline exemplified by his peers in the Order. He knows he is not without his flaws and is trying to better himself by making a stronger presence within the Jedi Temple on Naboo (Shiraya's Sanctuary), though he has yet to lead a class.
I would like some real feedback here. Compliments are nice, and I love to hear them, but I would love to know what I can do to improve my writing with Balun and help him grow as a Jedi and as a character in general. My writing in general is something I question; I am quite self-conscious about it and don't feel it's that great, but I do my best. If there are areas I can improve on, I'd genuinely love to hear them. Let me have it Constructive feedback is what I'm here for!
I adore Balun, and I adore how you have progressed him. I appreciate your patience and your willingness to drag this little story of ours out...and through the mud. I appreciate you putting up with this brat.
You are really good at responding to everything. But I do think you could practice a bit of the "less is more" philosophy. Don't put pressure on yourself to write 800 word posts. Try condensing some of the internal and explanatory stuff down into more concise sentences. I suspect you probably worry (like I do) that people are not understanding what you are trying to convey. I tend to over explain myself when I am worried about my post. But that just makes it wordy.
You don't repeat yourself, which is great ^.^ but I wonder if you could concis-ify it? Make sense?
tl:dr - Say the same thing with less words. < 3 You are the best.
I rarely provide character feedback on Chaos, but I feel compelled to say that Balun Dashiell offers a unique perspective on the Jedi side of chaos. It is well worth the read to see him grow from an abandoned child in the original story to a recognized member of the Dashiell Family.
However, I am curious about how Balun navigates the complexities of having a father like Judah Dashiell, a well-known merchant, especially given the current state of the galaxy. Does he have any challenges navigating the expectations of his family's name compared to his duty to the Jedi Order.
I imagine it would be quite difficult for a son of a Fortune 500 executive to mingle peacefully with a community of monks, given that his father's actions can lead a negative impression on the son's reputation.
Beyond this the one negative thing that I do have for you is that your current posting div is challenging to read with the green background blurring the text in front of it. It makes it extremely hard for me to enjoy your writing since I have less than perfect vision and everything blurs together.
However, I am curious about how Balun navigates the complexities of having a father like Judah Dashiell, a well-known merchant, especially given the current state of the galaxy. Does he have any challenges navigating the expectations of his family's name compared to his duty to the Jedi Order.
I imagine it would be quite difficult for a son of a Fortune 500 executive to mingle peacefully with a community of monks, given that his father's actions can lead a negative impression on the son's reputation.
I adore Balun, and I adore how you have progressed him. I appreciate your patience and your willingness to drag this little story of ours out...and through the mud. I appreciate you putting up with this brat.
You are really good at responding to everything. But I do think you could practice a bit of the "less is more" philosophy. Don't put pressure on yourself to write 800 word posts. Try condensing some of the internal and explanatory stuff down into more concise sentences. I suspect you probably worry (like I do) that people are not understanding what you are trying to convey. I tend to over explain myself when I am worried about my post. But that just makes it wordy.
You don't repeat yourself, which is great ^.^ but I wonder if you could concis-ify it? Make sense?
tl:dr - Say the same thing with less words. < 3 You are the best.
Between Ala Quin
and Cerys Dyn
, both of your characters have given plenty of character development for Balun and an entertaining story for me as a writer to enjoy. I have thoroughly enjoyed writing together, and I'm glad for the friendship we've gained along the way.
It's funny, in a way, about the remark on the 800-word posts. This is going to make me feel old, but I remember there being a sentiment among roleplayers where the length of posts, typically between 600 and 1000 words, could be viewed with a sense of pride, an achievement of creativity and intellect. Tirdarius (a former writer on Chaos here) and I would often talk about it because he could usually smash out stunning, detailed posts that would put mine to shame, and I was always in awe of his writing ability.
But that's not to say that you're wrong about how much pressure I put on myself and my tendency to overthink things. As you've no doubt seen, and I've even realised, sometimes my characters can respond to another character but talk as if they're going off on tangents, saying entire paragraphs when, as you said, a concise sentence or two could have simply done the trick.
I'll definitely take your feedback to heart and try to put it into practice. Given we're going to be writing a lot more, you're welcome to let me know how it goes along the way!
I rarely provide character feedback on Chaos, but I feel compelled to say that Balun Dashiell offers a unique perspective on the Jedi side of chaos. It is well worth the read to see him grow from an abandoned child in the original story to a recognized member of the Dashiell Family.
However, I am curious about how Balun navigates the complexities of having a father like Judah Dashiell, a well-known merchant, especially given the current state of the galaxy. Does he have any challenges navigating the expectations of his family's name compared to his duty to the Jedi Order.
I imagine it would be quite difficult for a son of a Fortune 500 executive to mingle peacefully with a community of monks, given that his father's actions can lead a negative impression on the son's reputation.
Beyond this the one negative thing that I do have for you is that your current posting div is challenging to read with the green background blurring the text in front of it. It makes it extremely hard for me to enjoy your writing since I have less than perfect vision and everything blurs together.
The Dashiell's have truly made Balun unique as a character, and especially among my Jedi characters. I've always been a Jedi writer, and when starting Balun, I wanted him to differ from the other Jedi archetypes that I've played, like Veiere and Caedyn Arenais, for example. I set him off as a Rogue Jedi, but he didn't truly take until Judah Dashiell
, and I got talking OOC, and Balun officially became a Dashiell himself.
From the get-go of Balun's first meeting with his father at sixteen years old, they argued about the Jedi, Balun young and defiant, taking the Jedi's defence despite holding his own grudges, having wanted a father his entire life who stood before him then, angry at the Jedi for letting his son simply run away at fifteen years old with no further support. Balun had been given to the Jedi by his mother, Kristyl Arenais, and Judah had never even known she had fallen pregnant after the drunken night's affair. He had learned of Balun's existence sixteen years after the fact by chance.
Fast forward to today, Balun has inherited more credits than he can count and has started his own company retrofitting old tech, though it's much smaller than his family's businesses. He has plenty of skill in technology, a love of starships and working with droids, is a Jedi Sentinel in all means, and even financed the beginnings of a budding new trade world, Jhaessa Prime, in the High Republic Sphere of Influence. Unfortunately, he's got too many interests, obligations and responsibilities. He spreads himself too thin and is trying to live too many lives. He's had to employ someone to run his own business (Tharan Zeren Kai).
Makai Dashiell
is currently pissed at him because of a disagreement over Balun's son becoming a Jedi, Balun being the sole Force User in the family until Kellan came along, meaning the other Dashiell's lack the understanding of what a Force User's life entails. Enjoy the following thread for a different perspective on the two brothers here!
As for the Template, I'd be interested to know how many others find this a common issue. Check the spoiler below, as there is an alternative variant I could use if a larger portion of readers find it difficult to follow. I do, however, really love the current vibe that I'm using. Vizion Trozky did such wonderful work on this piece for me <3
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Ala Quin
, and has reunited with both his father
Judah Dashiell
, his brother
Makai Dashiell
and his estranged Mother
Kristyl Arenais
-- giving him something of a legacy to live up to between both families. 
Constructive feedback is what I'm here for!
