An Amicable Visit

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Alize Rosenheim"]


"I can see with certainty that you're a more moral person than I am. I've taken many lives. Too many to count. Did all of them deserve of it? No, many were just people on the other side. Many were true monsters though. I didn't become a monster though. It's all about choices and keeping track of one's morals and a sense of proportion."


Morality lecture aside, Siobhan turned her attention towards teaching her student basic marksmanship. She put the gun into Alize's hands. "For starters, make sure you're not pointing the muzzle at yourself. Or anyone else you don't want to shoot at. Point it down for now, finger away from the trigger."


Having said that, she picked up an identical shatterpistol and held it up. "This is how you load it." Demonstrating, she picked up a magazine and then loaded the weapon. Then she gave Alize her own clip. "Do that. This is how you turn the safety off," she demonstrated, giving Alize a couple moments in case she had questions before stepping forward and looking at a target.


The Countess assumed the correct firing stance. "Keep your finger outside the trigger guard, extended straight and flat outside the guard. All these holovids that show action heroes permanently having their finger on the trigger are nonsense. The same applies to dual wielding pistols, leaping about like a lunatic and dodging blaster bolts. Anyhow, now assume firing-ready position," she demonstrated the appropriate stance, holding the grip in her dominant hand. "Steady the gun in your other hand, then assume firing stance. Then take aim, look at the target through the pistol's scope and fire when ready."

 

[Alize Rosenheim]

A moral person? Alize had never considered herself a moral person. A repentant one? Maybe. But not moral. Not after what she had done in an act of desperate selfishness. The past is in the past, the Epicanthix-hybrid reminded herself as she felt her mind drift back to memories of the arson.

With a solemn expression, she listened as the Countess explained the basics of gun safety, nodding as the woman spoke. It was a confronting experience for her to hold a firearm - a weapon used to kill - in her hands but now, without the protection of her droid, she had to be responsible for her own safety for one day, a situation may arise where she needed to squeeze the trigger no matter how reluctant she was to do so.

Once Countess Kerrigan had finished her explanation, Alize assumed the firing position she had just been shown, trembling as she did so. Though weapon was unloaded and the safety was still on, a sense of uneasiness filled her.

“How is my stance?” she asked, her voice quivering.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]​

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Alize Rosenheim"]


"That's fine," Siobhan said encouragingly. Her hand gently gripped Alize's shoulder, rubbing it. Her other hand stabilised the gun Alize was holding. Her hands were strong, yet the grip was gentle. Her voice projected strength and confidence. "Have confidence in yourself. You can do this. I'm here. Now load the gun, switch off the safety, and fire when ready. Don't focus on hitting the bullseye, just aim at the target."

 

[Alize Rosenheim]

Hands trembling, Alize carefully loaded the blaster as if it was some volatile object and removed the safety.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Tempted to close her eyes, the Epicanthix-hybrid held the firearm in front of her, her hands shaking violently.

"3, 2, 1," she whispered and slowly squeezed the trigger, missing the target.

"I...don't know if I can do this..." Alize muttered, lowering the blaster. Pulling the trigger was more difficult than it appeared in the holoflicks.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]​

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Alize Rosenheim"]


"Yes, you can do it." Siobhan did not raise her voice, but it was strong and firm. Without missing a beat, the Countess slipped behind the Rosenheim Scion and gently took ahold of Alize's hands, guiding them so that the young woman would be able to hold the shatterpistol steady. "Try again. Breathe in, breathe out, look through the scope, aim, fire. Imagine your life - or that of someone else - depends on it."

 

[Alize Rosenheim]

Alize felt the Countess' behind her, placing her gentle hands on her own trembling ones, steadying her aim.

Breathe in. Breathe out. The Epicanthix-hybrid did as she was told and peered through the scope, imagining a child was in danger and squeezed the trigger.

Though the shot did not hit the bullseye, it had successfully hit the target.

"How does it feel to kill someone and watch them die?" Alize wondered aloud as she slowly lowered the blaster.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]​

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Alize Rosenheim"]


Alize asked a deep, philosophical question! Siobhan could dodge it, give her a nice, reassuring but also untrue response, or simply say the truth and try to phrase it in less blatant terms. She gave the younger woman a serious look. "I'd like to say I feel something. I'd like to say it makes me sad...but it doesn't, not usually. I've been a soldier for most of my life. Killing is my job, and I only kill enemies who deserve it or threaten those I'm sworn to protect. I've done it so much I don't really think about it anymore. The sad truth is, Alize, that I usually feel satisfaction. Not because I enjoyed taking a life, but because it's the other person who gets it rather than me."

 

[Alize Rosenheim]

'Not because I enjoyed taking a life, but because it's the other person who gets it rather than me' - those words struck a chord within Alize. Though she did not like the idea of killing another, she could sympathize with killing out of desperation. Well, kind of. Not that her own situation had actually backed her into a corner, forcing her to choose between taking one life or losing her own.

"I guess sometimes you're not left with much of a choice," she said simply, not quite sold on the idea of taking another life. Well, I suppose if that person was bad enough...

"What if I encounter a situation where I need to shoot someone but can't?" the Epicanthix-hybrid asked though she already knew the answer.

You die.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]​

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Alize Rosenheim"]


Alize already knew the answer, but Siobhan said it anyway. "You die." There was no way around it. "If you're lucky, it's over quickly, but your death serves no purpose. Your employees are without employer and need to find someone else to take care of them. The people who perished in the fire on Panatha are still dead. Your death makes nothing better. If anything it makes things worse, because you threw your life away. When you're in a life or death situation and have only seconds to decide, you can't overanalyse things. Maybe the person gunning for you is evil and beyond redemption, maybe he or she is just a grunt doing their job without feeling any malice, but in this situation that doesn't matter. It's you or them."

 

[Alize Rosenheim]

"That's true," Alize said with a sigh.

"I have nothing that compels me to live. If I were to die tomorrow or in the next five minutes, I would be fine with that. I live because I am alive," she confessed. "In fact, I don't think I've ever had anything to live for in my life. I've always lived because I am alive and I don't think I have ever feared death either," she added.

"I fear the pain of death but not death itself." Life was not fun. Life had never really been fun for Alize so death seemed quite peaceful to her. If she was to become gravely wounded, tethering on the edge of life and death, she would choose to let go and allow death to whisk her away on his boat and cross the dark waters into the afterlife rather than desperately cling on to the world of the living. Perhaps her next life might be a happier one.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]​

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Alize Rosenheim"]


Siobhan had become a more patient, composed woman, but she had her limits. Had Alize's life been bad and loveless? Yes, but she was hardly alone in that regard. Moreover, she was very young. So it rankled the Countess to hear that the young woman seemed to have no fight or will to live in her.


"For heaven's sake, Alize. What do you want in life? You just want to throw it all away? You have your entire life ahead of you. Yes, your past sucked. The same applies to many other people in the Galaxy. People who've been through worse things than you. You think my life was a walk in the park?" Her tone was not angry, but she sounded a bit exasperated.

 

[Alize Rosenheim]

"No," Alize replied simply.

"The problem is, I don't know what to live for. Nothing has ever compelled me to live," she muttered, looking down at her feet. "I'm a coward. I have a tendency to take the easy way out," she said, feeling ashamed.

"Living is difficult but death... Death is so easy. Just point a blaster to your head," her hand trembled as she positioned the firearm next to the temple of her head. "And bam! Your dead," she said, imitating the recoil of firing a blaster then lowered the weapon.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]​

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Alize Rosenheim"]


Seeing that Alize was positioning the firearm next to the temple of her head, Siobhan moved to seize it. Of course, Alize was just trying to make a point and did not actually pull the trigger, but the Countess would still grab it with a powerful grip and pull it away.


"Never aim that thing at yourself! Seeking death is the coward's way out. You run away from your problems because you don't have the guts to face them. Because you can't accept that things could be better if you try enough," she said bluntly.


"I was born in abject poverty. I laboured in a factory as a child and learned how to fight from an early age because otherwise I'd be dead. Then the Sith came. My sister fought them and died...because of me. From that moment onward, my life was a downhill spiral. I was a slave, then a street common thug. Till I meet someone special: Adril Tythorin."

 

[Alize Rosenheim]

Alize listened with a sympathetic expression as the Countess spoke of her path. If Alize's past was a living nightmare, no words could describe the Countess' and yet the woman overcame the difficulties and created a happy life for herself surrounded by those who cared about her.

Someone special? What did the Countess mean by that? Alize wondered, staring at the woman with an empty gaze.

Empty. That was how she felt inside. The lights were on but no one was home.

"Have you ever felt...empty?" she asked, her eyes glazed and almost mannequin like. When life became too hard, it was easier to allow the emptiness she normally kept at bay envelope her until she felt nothing.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]​

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Alize Rosenheim"]


Truth be told, Siobhan felt a bit bad about bringing up her own past. Not because it pained her, she'd dealt with that. But it because it risked making it look like she wanted to make things about herself. 'Others have had it bad, but they got over it' wasn't the most elegant or empathic strategy, but it seemed called for.


"Yes, I have. After my sister died, I felt hollow. Empty. Drained. I blamed myself and hated myself for it. Bad things happened to me...and I believed I deserved them," she trailed off.


"I lost Adril a long time ago. She sacrificed herself to kill an eldritch abomination. To save me. I hit rock bottom after that. Kept telling myself it should've been me. Did plenty of stupid things because I didn't care anymore. I was a Jedi, but didn't belong among those sanctimonious fools who told me to sit down and meditate. Eventually, I pulled myself out of the pit and found a new purpose. I learned to love again and took responsibility for my actions and myself.


Her thoughts drifted to the day when Tegaea recruited her into the Pyre. There was a pause before she spoke again. "You think you're an awful person because of the people who died in the fire? Well, I was common street thug on Nar Shaddaa, and a couple days after I was knighted I murdered Jedi because an ancient Sith spirit was whispering in my head."

 

[Alize Rosenheim]

Alize remained silent, unsure of what to say. The Countess had been through so much more than her and yet, she did not give up, did not allow herself to fall to pieces.

"How did you piece yourself back together?" She asked, curious as to how the woman before her found a path other than death. "How were you not driven mad?" She added.

Alize had wanted nothing more than to be strong like her mother. Though she had never had the chance to remember her, and perhaps her image of the woman was nothing more than a fantasy she conjured, but her mother, Butterfly, was her hero, someone she would have liked to emulate had she not been such a coward.

"I'm sorry, mother," Alize whispered, clenching her fists. "I'm sorry I am a failure and have been nothing but an insult to your memory."

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Alize Rosenheim"]


"It wasn't easy. I stumbled and relapsed many times," Siobhan confessed. "But I had people. I met some good people. My wife, women who became like sisters and, well, more than that, my daughter. Then I realised I wasn't a failure. Neither are you. You're your mother's legacy."

 

[Alize Rosenheim]

Her mother's legacy... Those words weighed heavily on her. If she was to die, nothing would remain of the woman that she been so curious about.

"You're right. I'm all that's left of my mother's legacy and I can't allow it to fade away," Alize paused and bit her lower lip fighting back tears. She didn't want to cry like a child. "I need to continue her legacy and learn more about her," she continued, tears lingered in her eyes but they did not fall. She did not allow them to fall.

"If I stumble and fall, can you try and catch me? I don't really have anyone," those last few words hurt to say as they reminded her of the loneliness that plagued her life.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]​

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Alize Rosenheim"]


"f you stumble and fall, I'll catch you. If you're on the ground, I'll take your hand and help you back up. That's a promise. You're not alone anymore," Siobhan gently patted the Clawdite hybrid, who was just about young enough to be her daughter, on the shoulder. "I won't coddle. I'll always be direct. In the end, you must make your own choices and find the strength to follow through with them. But I won't abandon you."

 

[Alize Rosenheim]

"Thank you, Countess," Alize whispered. "I am grateful for that," she said softly and touched the older woman's hand on her shoulder.

"From now on, I'll try my best to be strong so that I won't be a waste of your time," she smiled weakly. "It's going to feel a bit weird making my own decisions and finding my own path," she said, playing with a few strands of hair that came loose from her ponytail with an expression that made it seem as if she was in deep thought.

"I don't have much information on my mother. I only know her alias and bits and pieces about her life - some of which I don't know whether it is true or not, but how hard would it be for me to find out about her with what little I do know?" the Epicanthix-hybrid asked though she could already guess the answer. Trying to find information about her mother would be like searching for a needle in a haystack.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]​