A War Between Remembering and Forgetting

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien didn't act quick enough to prevent Siobhan from wrapping the tendrils of the Force around her body gripping her tight and holding her in place. She had underestimated her opponent and underestimated what the love and bond the two shared would allow Siobhan to do. She cried out, struggling fiercely, lashing out with her telekinetic powers trying to throw Siobhan backwards and break the hold she had on her.

It was the attack she didn't see, didn't anticipate from behind that would be the one to get her. This Mirien was far less experienced in being a spook and understanding those around her. And she hadn't expected her newfound minion to be one to attack her. Though all in all, it was par for the course when it came to Darkside betrayals. At least it wasn't actual blaster bolts, or Mirien would have found herself gravely wounded.

The stun bolts struck her hard one after the other, heavily impacting against her flesh. With Miri she always had a strange and rare reaction to stun bolts. While she found herself unable to move, she was still conscious, eyes open and completely aware of what was happening around her. The electrical impulses of the weapons effects played out upon her nervous system, leaving her completely defenseless, and unable to use the Force. It would be a while before she could dream to use it again. For now, she was at the mercy of both Naamah and Siobhan, limp in Sio's powerful telekinetic grip. She blinked a few times, terror registering in her eyes and aura for both women present to feel, and of course a sense of hurt and betrayal.

[member="Naamah Aesham"]

 

[Naamah Aesham]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


Siobhan's full concentration had been on restraining Mirien. She maintained her focus upon this when her lover lashed out and unleashed her telekinetic powers. Siobhan was wearing a terentatek leather duster, which negated many Force powers. It only provided partial resistance to most telekinetic attacks though.


Thus Siobhan was pushed and slammed into the ground. Her coat mitigated the impact somewhat, but she still felt like a rib had cracked when she got to her feet. Then Mirien was down on the ground, but still conscious. Siobhan looked up and saw Naamah holding a blaster. "What? Someone had to. We need to go," the Clawdite said with feigned casualness. Yet her hand was shaking.


"There's no us in this," Siobhan snarled. "You're lucky I haven't killed you." She was not quite sure why she hadn't done that yet. The Countess suddenly retrieved a pair of TerentAttack cuffs and limped over to Mirien. Taking ahold of the dark woman, she cuffed her hands.


"Sorry, love. For your own good, don't try to break free. I don't want to hurt you," They were the best cuffs on the market to restrain Force-users. The terentatek hide made it pretty much impossible to break free using the Force. The durasteel core cable would cut your hand if you tried to use superior strength.


"Don't hurt her. She's not evil. Not really," Naamah's lip trembled slightly. "I'm coming with you. I'm not leaving her alone." Without hesitation, she lowered the gun and stepped forward.


"Did you miss the part where I said I'd kill you? I don't consort with monsters. Go. I won't be merciful again," Siobhan hissed. She did not even remotely trust the Clawdite and given Mirien's confused state, letting the lizard near her did not seem like a good idea.


Naamah sighed. "Hate to break it to you, but this is about a hell of a more than your bloated ego, so come off your high horse. That woman's the only family I got left. I'm not leaving her," all fear seemed to have vanished from her tone, she sounded. "Oh, and I don't the good Mirien would like it if you killed me."


Siobhan glowered at Naamah, then attached a Force nullifier to Mirien's neck for good measure. "Fine. If you betray me, I will kill you. If you hurt her, I will kill you very slowly."


"Likewise. Hope your ship's close." Naamah picked up the bound and restrained Mirien. Now they only needed to get the hell away. Outside, the larger battle for Coruscant had begun. One could see the distant shapes of battleships, the dark sky was lit up by dazzling beams of scarlet turbolaserfire, drop pods and transport ships rained down from the sky. It was not their problem. Their mission was one woman who meant the world to both of them.

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien could only listen and watch as the two women above her hashed things out. Her breathing was erratic, panicked as she struggled just to make the tiniest of movements, only to fail. She was so desperate to move, to try to get away but try as she might, the stun bolts had disrupted the pathways between her mind and her body. As much as she hated to admit as her eyes moved between the two women, she was trapped until the stun weapon's effects dissipated from her body.

She internally cringed seeing the cuffs, knowing what they were and just how difficult it would be to break free from them. Siobhan's touch against her wrists brought a flood of memories from the good Mirien into the evil Miri's mind. It was enough to assure her at least that Sio's love and care for her would keep her from doing harm to her. At least for the time being that was.

But as for what Siobhan planned to do, the dark evil Miri had no idea. And not knowing brought on short, sharp terrified and quick breaths, bordering on panic. Not knowing was the worst feeling in the entire galaxy. The nullifier, actually made the woman tremble. She'd only once willingly allowed one to be placed on her and being cut off from what made her so powerful and frightening was a thought she really couldn't bear in that moment. Unfortunately, she couldn't even twitch a finger to stop Siobhan now.

After the collar was placed, her panic only grew and in that she started to lose control. Mirien soon found herself in a flood of memories, from both parts of her. From the times when she and Ashin had brought an entire ship down, to the actual events with Coryth, to her hunts here on Coruscant and the men she brutally tortured and murdered in an attempt to ease her pains, the things she couldn't fix, so she lashed out at any male she could lure into her hell hole. There were also the memories of her first meeting with Siobhan, the fear she felt when she admitted to Siobhan who and what she was, to when she saved Siobhan's memories, to the moment she knew she loved her, to the moment where she walked away from Siobhan to keep Sio's family intact, because she loved her, and she had been the interloper in that relationship. In no way could she tear apart a family, with young children for her selfishness and desire for Siobhan. She remembered it all in such harsh detail that it felt like she was living that day, and those memories all at once.

The good and the bad, from the years that had been forgotten were overwhelming her, and with that her breathing and heart rate quickened as she fought to find control and to slow the tide of memories from all parts of her life. She wanted to cry out, to scream because right then she couldn't tell who she was anymore, lost in her own memories and mind. All of it was terrifying her in a way that nothing had before.

She'd always known who she was, even if she didn't like it. But now, she couldn't tell up from down, good from bad, and that confusion actually started to physically hurt her mind as a throbbing headache began to grow. She'd lost her grip on who she was, who she had been, and who she had become. And this couldn't have been more frightening than anything Mirien had ever faced before, loss of self, of knowing who she was, what she was, she valued the most. It was at this point Mirien was gasping sharply for air as she fell completely into a full on panic attack. All she wanted to do was scream as the lines of everything she'd known and experienced in life became so profoundly blurred and muddled to the point she couldn't make much sense of it. And all of this was leaving her feeling both terrified and extremely vulnerable. Tears slipped from her eyes and down her cheeks as Naamah scooped her up.

[member="Naamah Aesham"]

 

[Naamah Aesham]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


Siobhan Kerrigan. Naamah Aesham. Countess and Champion of Tygara. Loving mother, blood-stained warlord and butcher. Former Atrisian Inquisitor, serial killer, newly repentant and with a severe case of self-loathing.


How ironic that the one and only thing to bring those two together and prevent them from unleashing violence upon each other was a woman. Not just any woman, but a very special one, though she was haunted by too many demons to see that. Mirien fething Valdier, the dark knight.


"I'm sorry, Mirien. We're here help you. Your girls are here for you," Naamah said as soothingly as she could. The Clawdite had no talent for pep talks and it was doubtful that words would help much given Mirien's distraught state, but she could try. It hurt to see Mirien like this. Hands that had tortured and abused touched the former Grand Inquisitor with surprising tenderness, though her grim was firm.


"We'll put you back together," Siobhan spoke, wincing as she felt her lover's pain and turmoil. She tried to draw upon their bond, sending reassuring, calmning feeling through it. Siobhan could not open herself completely to her lover, lest she be overwhelmned by the massive flood. It hurt that she could not help her more. It was cold and dark outside when she opened the door.


"Halt, darksider! Surrender your weapons and put your hands up!" A Jedi jihadist declared. She was a Togruta and dressed in the traditional robes of the order. A green lightsabre blazed to life. Her aura was strong in the Light, radiant and pure.


Siobhan cocked her head slightly and flung the woman into a dumpster. There was a sickening crunch and bones broke. The woman would live. Her two companions howled in pain when she shot them in the kneecaps. The gang of three vanished into the darkness. Conveniently, Siobhan had not parked her stealth ship at the spaceport, which was probably a war zone by now. Thusly, the vessel was close.

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Her mind a mess of memories torn from two entirely different spectrums of morality. Mirien couldn't even begin to make sense of it. The more she tried, the more tears spilled down her cheeks. And as much as she was fighting for control so was her darker side. She wanted just to cry out, to struggle to free herself from Naamah and Siobhan both. A part of her wanted neither to be witness to this mess of herself, to witness what her Darkside had truly been capable of. That dark side frightened even her.

All her efforts were put forth into trying to slow her mind, slow the tangled memories while trying desperately to regain control of her body. The woman was panting, gasping for air, eyes wide with fear. And for a second, just a second the good side of Mirien wrested control of her mind from her other half. Unfortunately, that didn't last long as her darker self painfully ripped power back. This wasn't a fight Mirien believed at that moment that she could win. Not like this.

Her body shook and trembled terribly in Naamah's arms. Even the dark side of her was a little afraid of what was happening to her, growing just as confused as Mirien was. All she wanted was freedom away from these two. Freedom to go about as she pleased, going for her hunt.

Suddenly both sides of Mirien were plunged back into the chaos of their shared experiences with neither able to for even a second piece together who they were as individuals, nevermind who they were together. After all, they were both part of the same woman, just from two very different times. One Mirien had long thought was lost to her with the horrific accident on Atrisia where she awoke not even knowing her name, with so many broken bones and so much pain. She had searched for a long while to try and reconnect with her past, but never quite could. She had only ever found small puzzle pieces scattered across the galaxy.

Desperately she still was fighting for movement, wanting it more and more, since at least that did make sense in her mind while nothing else did. Finally a slight twitch of her pinkie finger, a twitch followed by it slowly curling under her will. She was starting very slowly to be able to move as the stun bolt's effects were just beginning to fade ever so slightly. Though it'd be some time more before she gained any true use of her body.

Finally, a pained cry escaped her lips, though she looked to neither woman. She didn't expect much of a reaction as they both seemed determined to make off with her and take her away from here. She needed the force back before she'd have any hope of a chance to slip free from them.And that meant getting rid of that collar. The cuffs were a secondary problem. Something she could work with if she had to.

Though luckily for Siobhan, if there was one thing about sharing a spook's entire memory, minus the first twenty years, it was that she would know Mirien's tricks, know what she'd try. And a small part of Miri believed very much that this was why Siobhan had chosen the cuffs she did, and the collar. That horrific collar that blocked her completely from her source of power. This also meant Naamah knew Mirien oh so well from the Inquisition and was equally likely to be onto Mirien's tactics before she could get far with them. Neither fact would stop Miri from trying.

She heard the Jedi before she saw her, only crying out louder hoping to draw more attention to the trio of women, because at least with the Jedi they'd be dumb enough to believe this was some sort of kidnapping and try and save her. Or so her line of thinking went. She still couldn't form words but was getting closer. All of this happening while a most confusing and contradicting set of memories clashed together. It seemed she could only manage to pull away from the flood of memories for a few seconds or so for conscious thought to occur and try what she could to get free. Those moments didn't last long but it was all she had between the chaos and confusion and utter loss of self.

[member="Naamah Aesham"]

 

[Naamah Aesham]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


"This is Jedi Tara...," the Togruta made the mistake of trying to activate her comm as she came to after being tossed into a dumpster. An arcing purple current of ion energy shrieked from Siobhan's fingertips and fried it, giving her an electrical shock.


Siobhan felt a strong urge to crush the woman's neck. Any attempt at disruption would put Mirien in grave danger. She could feel the fear and terror emanating from her bond sister, as her two sides warred for control. Her heart ached and she felt no little guilt about using violence on her lover, even though she knew it was necessary.


Common sense won out and the pair continued their escape. Fortunately, the fighting had only just started. Moreover, it was a big pond with plenty of fish in it. Siobhan blotted out the manifold explosions and the starfighters screaming through the air. Her attention was focused upon one woman.


"She's recovering from the stun bolts," Naamah remarked, muffling Mirien's screams with her hand. Shame she did not have a ball gag with her. Almost as soon as the thought popped up inside her mind, she felt guilty. She could not treat Mirien as an enemy or a prisoner...Pulling at the tangled web of infinite power, she reached into her former boss' mind.


Naamah was, to put it plainly, not a powerful Force-user. She was not a telekinetic savant, not a master of mentalism or even a great duellist. There was no way she would have been able to affect Mirien's mind while the woman still had the Force.


However, the collar deprived the former spook of it. Stroking across the woman's forehead, she sought to induce sleepiness into her, pulling her deep into the realm of Morpheus. The exercise was very taxing for her and she felt beads of sweat drip down her face and back, until she experienced a surge of energy. She stiffened, before realising that it was Siobhan feeding her.


Finally they could see Siobhan's ship. The Revenant had been docked at an abandoned, dilapidated landing pad in a district that seemed to have been laid to waste during the Sith Civil War. Now it was even more wrecked. "What's the plan?" Naamah asked quietly.


"We board, get the hell out, and then I enter her mind," Siobhan retorted coldly. I'm coming for you, Mirien. We'll put you back together, piece by piece. And then kill every single person who hurt you. The Countess had her way on the street ahead, but she tried to reach out through the bond, strengthen the Mirien whom she knew was still buried somewhere inside there. A bit further away, a building was levelled by a bomb. Flak screamed, putting Alliance fighters under fire, bodies lay around. Siobhan paid them no mind as she made her way towards the stealth transport.

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien cringed slightly hearing Naamah. She had hoped to gain more control of her body before it had been noticed that she was recovering. Unfortunately that didn't work out for her. All she could do was try and scream louder, though muffled by Naamah's hand even that wasn't effective.

She now could feel control returning to her fingers as she curled them into fists, testing what little strength she had at that particular moment. Finding she had some more control, with her bound hands she reached to claw at Naamah to force the woman's hand from her head, having a feeling what was about to be done. Her movements were clumsy and weak at best; it wasn't going to be enough to stop Naamah in the least. Not when Mirien could already feel her touching her mind.

Sudden overwhelming exhaustion overcame the brunette as she vainly squirmed in a weak attempt to get Naamah to drop her. Never had she felt so tired, so worn and in such desperate need of sleep. Slowly but surely Mirien's breathing slowed, and her attempts to get free began to calm as her hands fell limply against her chest.

Without the force, she couldn't stop Naamah from sending her to sleep. It was already happening, as much as she hated to admit that idea. Her eyes fluttered a few more times as Mirien tried what little she could to resist the exhaustion and stay awake to fight for her freedom. But her attempts ultimately failed. She gave a final whimper knowing it was done and over and she'd soon be forced into sleep. It was an admission of defeat in that simple soft noise from the former Grand Inquisitor. Her eyes drifted closed; her body ceased to move as she lay limply in Naamah's arms, now deeply asleep.

There would be no more attempts to escape, no more fighting now. Naamah may not have known it but she'd given Mirien a brief reprieve from the chaos of her mind and warring memories, in the heavy and dreamless sleep she'd put her in. It was a reprieve and rest that she needed most desperately, with all that the fight between herself, between Siobhan and Naamah, had taken from her, and the months of restless worthless sleep that her mind and memories had tormented her with.

And now, she was no longer in control whatsoever. Her fate now rested in Naamah's and Siobhan's hands. What was going to happen next? Mirien at least was blissfully unaware. And completely unaware of the war and destruction happening around them on the way to the ship.

[member="Naamah Aesham"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


The death and destruction going on all around them was irrelevant. The Alliance would liberate Coruscant from the Sith, succeeding where the Republic and the Omega Protectorate had failed, or not. Siobhan felt a grudging respect for the Jedi crusaders. But it was, to put it plainly, not her problem. Selfish? Perhaps. Or realistic.


There was a time to play hero, and a time to focus on what mattered. Like on the woman in Naamah's arms. The hatch was opened, the ramp lowered and the two walked into the Revenant. It was quite similar to the Phantom Imperial Agents used thousands of years ago in service of an empire led by a world-destroying lunatic. Small, fast and stealthy, it was probably the sort of ship the Atrisian Inquisition would have built, ironically.


An HK droid awaited them inside, holding a blaster rifle. "Welcome back, Mistress. I calculate a significant chance that this sector shall become a battleground," the droid declared in its usual dull monotone. Its photoreceptors glowed a bright crimson, a contrast to the droid's rust-coloured body.


"I'm aware. Get us into space. We're leaving," Siobhan spoke coolly, beckoning Naamah to follow her. Ultimately, they reached the rather comfortable bedroom. "Lay her down on the bed and make her comfortable. The cuffs and the nullifier stay." It broke her heart to order this, but she could not be certain which Mirien would wake up.

Naamah looked uncomfortable at the last line then nodded. "It's funny. I wanted to kill you a year or two ago. Working with you feels...weird. I guess she's just that special."


"You'd have failed and died a horrific death," Siobhan retorted, then frowned. "What the hell happened to you?"


Naamah shrugged with somewhat disconcerting nonchalance in the face of casual death threats. This probably said a good deal about her. "I'm a serial killer who got shock therapy in hell."


Siobhan seemed to understand. "Oh, so one good thing came out of Akala's tamptrum. Figures."


The Revenant slowly lifted off from the ground and shot into the sky. Leaving Coruscant behind it, it soon pierced the city-planet's atmosphere and emerged in space. A grand battle was taking place, Alliance and Sith warships trading heavy blows. It was not their problem. Upon reaching space, the sleek transport engaged its stealth systems, activating the stygium cloak.

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Thankfully Mirien slept peacefully for a couple of hours, without dreams and disturbances. But of course, this had to come to an end eventually. The brunette stirred. Using her feet she shifted onto her side, not quite awake just yet but getting there.

Her eyes fluttered as her mind finally started to catch up and wake up. She gasped sharply feeling the Force gone from her. That got her to open her eyes as panic flooded her body. Tears were fast forming followed by panicked sobs as the good Mirien became aware of just the situation she was in. She was catching up with the fact that she'd been taken and removed from Coruscant, and now resting in bed, who knew where. Even with her hands bound, she reached for the nullifier clawing desperately at it in a vain attempt to escape the device. "Get it off! Take it off! Please! Get it off me!" Mirien screamed as she struggled with it on the bed.

Her mind was a mess of memories that she couldn't make sense of. There were things she now remembered that tore her apart. Things that she had done. Things that had been done to her. And she could feel two very distinct sides to her, sides that would see the other destroyed if they were two individual people. She only felt a daze of confusion and terror, completely lost and unsure of anything, most of all, who she actually was.

Right now she felt so out of control, unable to do anything especially without the Force. She felt like she needed that back to regain any sort of power over her mind and body. "Please ..." She whimpered as she curled onto her side, her fingers clutched around the nullifier, still tugging at it. "Take it off...." She whispered through her tears, and sobs wracking her body.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


It hurt. It really hurt to see Mirien like this. Confused, frightened, terrified. It hurt even more to have to restrain here. "Miri, please, stop. Don't hurt yourself," Siobhan said in what she hoped was a soothing voice. "I'm here. I'm sorry about the restraints but...I want to help you." Right now, she could not trust Mirien with any sort of power, even if that meant taking her freedom away.


"It's me. Your Sio," the Countess climbed on to the bed and pulled Mirien into a hug. "I'm here for you. We'll put you back together. I need you to be strong...and trust me." Naamah stood outside in the doorway, watching both of them like a hawke, but not daring to enter yet.

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien struggled still terrified, still panicking. Hearing Siobhan, she snapped her a frightened look of betrayal. "Sio, please ....please ...." She pleaded, "Please don't leave me like this." She managed between cries, as Siobhan approached.

Miri tried to take in a few deep breaths as Sio joined her on the bed and hugged her tightly. "I ... I ... I can't do this." She pulled at the collar one last time before she let her cuffed hands drop. And for a moment, Mirien just let herself cry against Siobhan, shaking and trembling as she did so. "I can't. I don't .... I don't know what is happening. I don't know who I am."

Mirien shook her head, "I don't feel safe, like this." She motioned to her cuffed hands, looking desperate and afraid. "I don't know how to do this. Can we please take these off?" She shifted a little awkwardly given the limited use of her hands, away from Siobhan. "I don't know Sio. I can't sort all these memories out. Everything is blurred. And that other part of me terrifies me." She whispered as she looked down, tugging at the cuffs, testing them in her own way.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


"You're a woman I'm never gonna give up on. You're a mess, we'll put you back together. I'm not going to let you sink back into darkness," Siobhan tried to keep her voice as soothing and confident as she could.


A frown creased her features as she pondered. It seemed two sides were at war inside her, before she finally relented. "We can remove the cuffs, the collar stays though. It's for your own safety. I won't abuse my power, Mirien. You know that," she gently stroked Mirien's hair in an attempt to soothe her. "I'm removing them now. Don't make me regret this, ok?" Producing a key, she opened the cuffs and put them away. Now the former Inquisitor would be able to move her hands.


Meanwhile, Naamah stood awkwardly in the doorway. Truth be told, she felt like an intruder, but she stayed for Mirien. Even if she struggled to recognise her. "I'm, uh, here to help, boss," she said nervously, fidgeting a bit.

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien's hands were shaking badly as Siobhan withdrew the key, and removed the cuffs. She didn't know whether or not to cry further or sigh in relief that she at least had some freedom. "It's not you abusing your power that I worry about. I can't protect myself without it. It keeps me safe..." She didn't finish the thought out. She wasn't trusting of anyone to protect her, if she couldn't defend herself. Especially under the current circumstances.

She reached up and brushed away her tears, while still breathing a bit hard. She was trying her best to calm herself at least when so much didn't make sense. She sighed heavily a hand wandering back to the collar on her neck. It felt so foreign, and she certainly didn't want it on her for another second.

But she did know, at least some part of her did, that she was dangerous in the state she was. If she couldn't make sense of her own mind, there was no telling what would happen or what she could and would do. "You won't regret it." Mirien sniffled, hoping those words would be true.

Her attention then turned to Naamah at the door. She remembered in painful detail the harsh words her other side had spoken to the shapeshifter. "I ... I'm sorry, about what I, she, I said. I know it hurt, and I'm sorry."

Mirien didn't know what to do after that. So she did the only thing that felt remotely comfortable and safe. She scooted back over to Siobhan to curl against her. "I don't know what's happening. Or what started this." She paused for a long moment, "And I'm afraid. I don't know who I am. At any given time, I can't tell. It feels like I'm a different person, always changing. I don't know how to fix it or make it better. I'm not sure if we can. If anyone can." That was a painful admission. All of this might be permanent, with no way to get back to where she was.

"I only know it started months ago. It was just dreams, or what I thought were dreams. Nightmares aren't something new to me. So, I never said anything." Mirien could hear her voice crack as she started to speak again, "But I guess they weren't. They were memories of a horrific woman, a monster." And now Mirien found herself crying once more. "Memories of things I've done."

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


Naamah looked...shocked. As a matter of fact, she was positively floored and wondered whether she was hearing right. Had Mirien just apologised to her? Ironically, this made Naamah feel even more awkward. "It's, uh...well, ok. You weren't yourself," she muttered, utterly unable to form a coherent response.


Siobhan held on to Mirien, stroking her back. "This has been going on for months?" she exclaimed. "You should've told me...instead of bottling it up. I should've...helped or sensed something." Hey, her girl's sanity and soul were at stake!


"Could you save the 'you should've done this or that' party for later?" Naamah suddenly interjected gruffly. For the moment, all nervousness and fear seemed to have vanished from her. "Let's focus on bloody helping her now."


Siobhan glowered at the Clawdite, but conceded the point. "I...we can help you, Mirien. I'm not losing you, ok? You've always protected me, my turn to return the favour. You're not a monster anymore. Do you think that me entering your mind could help?"


"She wanted to revisit her old hunting grounds. That's why you went to Coruscant. Trip down memory lane. Are there any other places she compels you to go?" Slowly, as if concerned about being struck, Naamah entered the room and climbed on to the bed.

 

[Mirien Valdier]

There were things that Mirien would say, would have done, and then there were the things that other half of her did, and said that she found horrible and indefensible. But they were both her, right? So it only felt right to apologize when she knew what had been said was too much and too far.

Mirien only nodded and closed her eyes. And for a long while, she was quiet. She didn't feel like she had real answers for anything, for why she'd not said a word aside from her insecurities about appearing weak and afraid of a few little nightmares. She just let Siobhan stroke her back and stayed still against her. "Months, yeah." She finally said. "Just seemed like nightmares. Didn't think it was anything." In fact, these things had been going on far longer than she let on.

She inhaled sharply and pulled away at the suggestion of entering her mind. That simple request was more than a little terrifying. Her mind was a tangled web of compartments of knowledge of different events, various locations, and secrets both hers, the Inquisitions and those belonging to Atrisia, as well as Firemane. But Siobhan had seen her memories before, and share them. Most things Siobhan would already know, but that wasn't what bothered Mirien. She didn't want Sio to see these new memories and events. "Naamah isn't anymore, but she was. And you still want her dead. I know that. Very clearly I've done things as bad if not worse, what makes us so different Siobhan? I've even hurt people you care about directly. Just because I didn't remember, didn't know ... It doesn't excuse it. I am a monster. Just one you've hardly known about, Sio."

She sighed heavily. "If I let you in, you'll see everything. Even things I never knew, never remembered because of an accident. Do you really want to do that? I can't guarantee what will happen if you do. People don't go into my mind and come out the same, Sio. And right now I don't think that could be more true. I don't even have a clue who I am right now, or if and when that other side will clash with the me I've become and try to take over. Two competing personalities and people, in one body and they are both me. I just can't sort out who the hell I am with both of them. Somewhere in the middle is me, and feth if I can find her."

Again she grew quiet when Naamah spoke. Mirien knew to say this now, would be to admit that this evil presence in her, this other side had been compelling and playing with her for far longer than just a few months. "Alderaan is one place." She finally said. "It was why I was there when I first met you, Sio. I was drawn to it, for, at the time, reasons I couldn't explain. It was only a feeling of the familiar. That was all. There's Yavin IV and even Atrisia. I wasn't there for just no reason at all when I got caught. There was something that brought me there."

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Naamah Aesham]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


"I am a monster. Just one you've hardly known about, Sio."


That was probably one of the last things Siobhan wanted to hear. It was an uncomfortable truth that she had let Mirien off the hook for her crimes. It had been easy to look past them because the woman did not remember and was a new person.


Was this an exception Siobhan would've made for someone else? Probably not. Did her personal feelings play a role? A very big one, but she'd also seen the good Mirien had done. It's not the same, the thought shot through her mind. "Then I'm a woman who's in love with a monster," she retorted. "You're not one anymore. I know who you are now, and I'm not giving up on you, clear? Good. I know you..."


"You don't know her. Not totally. And you don't know me. But that's not the point," Naamah opined. "I did horrible things, went to hell and will one day go back there." Nihilism was such a beautiful thing. "I'm not letting Mirien end up there though." Siobhan looked taken aback by the vehmence of the Clawdite's tone, then sighed. "I believe we might've revisit these places."


"She's in no condition to travel, and I'm not exposing her to risk of her past self taking over," Siobhan retorted, her protectiveness manifesting. She trusted the lizard as far as she could throw her...well, she could throw her very far, but that was besides the point.


"Didn't mean now, but there's no quick-fix to put her demons to rest. And she's right there, you know."


"We're focusing on the now. Mirien, if you're alright with letting me in, I am willing to take the risk." Did she want to? No, not at all. But she was ready to risk it for Mirien, even if she hated what she saw. Even if she risked her own sanity.

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien sighed, terribly unsure about the situation and everything about it. She could feel her lip trembling, not sure what to say to Siobhan's words. It should have made her feel better, more confident but she was just afraid, worried. Mostly she was worried that she'd hurt Siobhan, or Naamah or someone else with how much she was changing and how rapidly she'd changed from someone she knew, into this mess of a woman. "Are you sure? Sure that you know me?" If Siobhan wasn't sure, she couldn't be sure either. But had she ever let anyone in and known who she really was. Could she even admit to herself who she was?

Mirien looked to Naamah feeling so confused, but grateful for the support. She glanced between both women. They both had valid points. She wasn't in a state to visit these places or even to simply travel much of anywhere. "I'm not stable." She admitted painfully. "I can't go anywhere right now."

Mirien took a couple of deep breaths and wiped away what tears had been on her cheeks at that moment. "You're quite possibly the only person I'd ever willingly allow in. I don't know that it's going to help. My mind isn't a great place to be. I don't know what will happen when you step inside. I don't know. But I'll let you in."

[member="Naamah Aesham"]

 

[Naamah Aesham]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


It was petty, selfish and childish...but Naamah could not help feel a little jealous when Mirien said that Siobhan was the only one she'd willingly allow in. However, outwardly her face remained a mask. She could not allow weakness in this moment.


Or let herself be selfish. That was probably the difference between how she was now and how she had been before. Old Naamah had been a selfish, psychopatic girl-child taking out her own pain on others and revelling in their anguish. "I can keep watch while you do your thing," she said quietly. After all, someone had to! Feeling a bit hesitant, she reached out and gave Mirien's hand a soft squeeze. It was something she would not have dared to do before.


Siobhan, meanwhile, took a deep breath, mentally preparing herself. "Ok. I'm ready when you are." Strictly speaking the former Inquisitor would not need to lower her barriers due to the nullifier, but it was only polite to give her a headsup. "Lie down." She propped her lover's head up on a pillow, making sure she was as comfortable as the circumstances permitted, then slowly slipped in.

 

[Mirien Valdier]

"Ooh, this doesn't feel awkward at all." She said rather sarcastically as she laid back. At that point, she felt so weak, and completely powerless against not just Siobhan but most definitely Naamah. And Mirien, she was not even remotely used to the thought of being weak, much less the strangeness, that she felt now to be without the force, and to not have any real power against attack besides her physical prowess.

She bit down hard on her lip as she shifted a little nervously on the pillow. And for a moment she wrung her hands pulling hard at her fingers before she finally relented to what Siobhan was about to do. Not that she exactly could stop it. She closed her eyes and took a breath, holding it as she felt the shift when Siobhan crossed the threshold of her mind.

Inside, everything was a tangled mess. Memories overlapping memories, bleeding into one another, and blurring the lines where one started and another ended. In it, there were horrific memories of things she participated in with the Bando Gora. Siobhan might find the memories of exactly who she had gone after, why she had chased both Coryth and the girl before maiming both, and ultimately killing the girl Coryth had desperately tried to save from such a fate.

And there were disjointed memories of her childhood, of the abuses she suffered under her uncle when her parents left them alone. To the discovery of when Mirien had the force and just as a tiny girl thrown out on the streets alone. There she was 'rescued' if it could even be called that as her uncle got his claws into her again, abusing her and using her pimping the poor girl out to anyone willing to pay a price. Memories Mirien would have given a lot to have never known about.

Those memories intermixed with the reasons why she'd become the angry, pained monster she had. They mixed with dark nights on Coruscant where she carefully selected her targets, the sleaziest of men, and lured them into that warehouse before tearing each one apart bit by bit over weeks apiece, keeping them alive solely for her entertainment and a way to ease her hurts and own suffering. It hadn't been entirely without reasons or purpose. Mirien had been a very broken girl, for a very long time.

Somewhere in all of this was who Mirien really was. Though in this moment, she felt like a little lost child trying to work out everything in her own mind. She felt entirely like a monster, like the monster she had been with all these memories crashing in. Who she had become in recent years and all she'd worked for were buried under a pile of memories, thoughts, feelings and ideas she hadn't known existed at all within her. And at this moment, that younger Mirien, the angry, pained and hurt one did what she could to try and gain some footing within her mind, trying to take control again.

[member="Naamah Aesham"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


This was the last place Siobhan wanted to be. However, it was where she needed to be. So she went on a journey through a labyrinthe filled with horrors. Monstrous visions and memories assaulted her, eating away at her sanity and testing her faith. It felt like she was being swallowed by a dark, fathomless abyss. There could be no doubt: Mirien had been evil and vile. The sort of person Siobhan would kill without a second thought. She saw her murder and torment the innocent, revelling in their pain. She saw her commit atrocities alongside the Bando Gora, participating in their dark experiments.


It was ironic. If one singular event had changed in Mirien's life, if she had not gone to Atrisia on that fateful day, she could have probably risen high enough to become one of the leaders of the Bando Gora. Then she and Siobhan would've faced one another on the battlefield one day. There would have been no mercy, only a merciless fight to the death. Disgust and anger swelled up inside Siobhan. That monster would've deserved to perish.


But...there was something that stayed her hand, even though the urge to pull away was strong. The memories of those dark nights on Coruscant and in the dens of the Sith were intermixed with those about the abuse Mirien suffered as a child. A single tear dripped down Siobhan's ethereal cheeks when she saw how much the woman had suffered. In that moment she knew she could not abandon her. Sorrow was accompanied by incandescent rage. She would tear Lavrenti Valdier apart, and make Mirien's parents pay. Her Mirien was here, somewhere. She would find her.