Deep down, perhaps he really had just needed to let it all out. Josh traveled alone constantly, with only a droid for company. He had two droids and... A certain creature from his past, for company when he was home. But as he wasn't home often, and was constantly out in space, his sources of company were few and far between. Without a base of operations to go from, and with his friends sparse and few, Josh really, truly was alone when it came to human companionship in this day and age. It had all started, really, when he'd been stabbed in the back on the final day that he was Grandmaster. That loss of trust in other people, well... Could you really blame him? And even then, when he tried to trust people, he only found more pain in it's wake. And so, he found himself alone whether he chose to trust or not. He was constantly all-business, with hints of joking and wit here and there, when it came to his rare interactions with other people, in order to do what he needed to do for the sake of his job and what he believed in. Josh had led many to believe that mentally and emotionally, he was invincible. He was a mystery, he was a man who never seemed to let anything get to him. Nothing ever seemed to phase the Jedi Master, and he would continue to serve with a grin on his face, and a cheerful presence everywhere that he went, even when in business.
But in truth... All he had been doing was suppressing it. In truth, he was in pain. Agony. Part of him wanted to lash out so badly, wanted to scream and yell and just let it all out. But he couldn't do that... His Jedi discipline had taught him not to. He didn't trust people enough to let it all out most of the time, and because of that, not many knew who he was as a person besides what impressions came from what he did for others.
Truthfully... Deep down, he was hurt. He was pained, he was lonely and he was suffering. Everything that he'd believed in had been taken away from him, piece by piece. His friends, the people that he cared about, all gone. Jak had disappeared again. Aleidis was gone, likely dead. The woman he'd loved, Saoirse, had died long ago and left him a shell of what his cheerful self had once been. Asha? Dead. He had his father out there, somewhere... But had no clue where he could have gone, and the former "Chancellor Philip J. Halen" could very well be dead right now. His only other family was his brother, Nicholas DragonsFlame. And he... Well... They weren't exactly on speaking terms, and probably never would be. [member="Tracyn"] he didn't know if he was alive or dead. He'd felt a disturbance in the Force once, that seemed like it was him... But yet, he wasn't sure. But they hadn't spoken in years. Sure, they'd made up last they had met. Tracyn had thought that he was macking it with his wife, when it couldn't have been any further from the truth. He'd managed to listen to reason long enough for Josh to explain. Seeing as Josh had been with Sao at the time, it wasn't a hard thing to believe, really. But regardless of the result of that, he hadn't seen Tracyn since, and presumably he was dead.
Who else was there? He'd met so many people, but so few stuck out in his mind as true friends. Rianna, he supposed... But she as well disappeared. Likely dead, or out in hiding with her husband. She too, he hadn't heard from in many a long time. [member="Lady Kay"] was around, he supposed, but he hadn't heard from her in quite some time, and he hadn't known her long enough to confide in her. Nor had they interacted much. Talia... Also likely dead. He wasn't sure if Sochi Ru could be considered one, thinking back on her... Their meetings were sporadic, and rather complicated in recent events. What ever happened in those events anyway? It was like it was incomplete or something...
In the end, Josh just flat out had nobody to confide in, or to be as honest as he had just been with Shmi. He had been alone on a constant basis for so long that he couldn't remember what it was like to regularly have company, to regularly have friends, people to talk to, to trust and confide in... And that had left him hurting, and suffering. He didn't know why he'd let all of that out to Shmi, but he had. The entire Jedi deal had been bothering him for quite some time, and to speak directly of it just... Brought it all out.
He had tried to hide it, suppress it for so long... But here it was, live and in full, living color. There was no hiding his pain anymore. The absolute devastation he felt from the loss of his dream. From the era that he yearned for more then anything. When everything made sense... When he could just be a Jedi, and do some good for the galaxy and the people within it. When he was surrounded by people who benevolently wanted to do the same. When he had people he could trust and confide in, who wouldn't stab him in the back. He was happy then... But now he was unable to trust... And now he was alone.
Just blurting that out was part of the consequences, he knew, of having been alone to the degree he had been...
"I'll stay..." He repeated as she would speak, snapping him out of his trance for a moment, but his head still low, staring down at the floor. "I'm still needed here. And besides... You've proven that so far, you won't steer me wrong working with you. I want to protect these people... Even if I can only do my part in a sector. It's still something... And it's better then sitting on my arse feeling sorry for myself."
Her next words would cause him to snap to attention and stare her dead in the face, a brow raised in surprise. Genuine surprise. It was there that he noted the blush to her cheeks, and he started to grasp the meaning. This was.... Well, new to him. Not new entirely, but certainly something that he hadn't experienced in a very sizable amount of time.
He considered his choice words for a moment, before deciding to address this one piece at a time. He didn't have his smirk, his expression seemed neutral, almost as though he were appraising and analyzing the situation before speaking.
"I've never considered them a weapon, myself" He would admit, allowing a gentle breath to escape his lips as he attempted to calm himself, a hand reaching up to stroke a long strand of golden blonde hair from his face that had begun to obstruct his eyes and by extension his visual viewpoint. His tone was low, not in a growl, but a soft hue that was unlike the cheerfully confident tone that he usually brought about. There was no flair, no swagger, no confidence and cheerfulness to him. It was a confidence he usually keep up to keep others upbeat, knowing that if he was visibly down... Then so would be the others around him. One of the few lessons he learned while fighting the Republic's wars... Was how important morale was. Keeping upbeat and confident kept others the same in most cases, and kept morale up. It could turn the tide in any circumstance... Whether in battle, or in planning. Strategy... It could be decided by mental state as well as skill. He was no militant Jedi, warrior or not. He was no Selena Halcyon, he wasn't like the Alliance's Jedi, [member="Ryan Korr"] and his group... As much as he respected their work in dealing with the Sith, he wasn't like them. He wasn't like the Republic's Knights... But he could understand and respect the lessons that could only be learned in the ways of war, and mass scale combat... And he understood that one day, he would have to join one of these battles in order to push the Sith out. He didn't like to admit it, but driving the Sith away and lowering their political scale was just as key to success as keeping from turning into the monsters that the Sith were, was... Compassion had it's place, and so did battle. And one day, he knew that he would have to balance both. But in doing what they did, back in the Republic's halcyon days, no pun intended... He learned lessons that aided him even now. It wasn't something he liked to admit, but it was a fact.
Morale... A subtle but important part of every group.
"I've always done it for a laugh, on both sides, I'll admit..." He spoke softly. "Laughter is a gift, Shmi. We don't get near enough of it, and I love to provide it. Laughter makes people happy, for a time. It takes the pain away, it makes people smile. In a way, I live to make people laugh" He would add, a small smile crossing his lips. "Besides once or twice in the past... I've never truly done it in excess with the intention of bedding someone. I apologize if I made you think that you were some sort of victim in that. That was never my intention" He spoke, his lips twitching into an apologetic frown. He knew she was joking around, and yet... He felt as though he'd wronged her in the way he'd said that. But... Well, he'd been honest with her already. Might as well be out with it.
"And yet... I'd be lying if I said that the idea hadn't crossed my mind."
He took a deep breath as he admitted that. He gave her a once over, seeming to take a moment to bring the topic back into mind again. And then his eyes met hers again.
"You're beautiful. Absolutely stunning. Possibly one of the most beautiful women I've ever met in this life. Your eyes are a beautiful shade, that I could gaze into for eternity and never get tired of them... And you truly love what you believe in, going to whatever lengths you could to preserve it. You're dedicated, and you have always given time to the people that work under you. Where others would flat out consider them under them and treat them as such... You have always treated myself and the other members of this now former Jedi Order with respect, and as equals... As Jedi. I have not seen someone who holds onto what they believe in as strongly as you do now. I admire that about you, I really do... Both sides of you. Inside and out."
This wasn't Josh's usual joking flirting that Shmi was used to. No... Not at all. This was something completely different. There was no joke to it. This time... He was just being truthful. Absolutely truthful, blunt and honest about what was on his mind. And yet... His heart was racing. Why was it racing? He wasn't in combat, he wasn't fighting...
"To answer your question... Well, to be honest, it's up to you. I've been upfront with you, thus far, perhaps more then I would have been normally. Perhaps you would like to be upfront with me on the matter in return?" He would inquire, with a gentle tilt of his head.
Beyond the veil that he'd cast in front of himself for all this time... This was the real Josh, what she was seeing now... For better, or for worse...
"Every Jedi knows that knowledge is power, after all, [member="Shmi Labooda"]...
