Last time, on the Totally Real Adventures of Auteme...
Auteme managed to fight her way into the finals of the Elder Tournament. Unfortunately, her last remaining allies Ryv and Loske were defeated by the Elder Compact's remaining members. Now alone in her fight against the most bizarre team up the galaxy has ever seen, Auteme's allies can only watch from the sidelines as she faces her greatest challenge yet...
Darth Carnifex, Dark Lord of the Sith...
Cameras flutter around the battlefield, each trained on the two figures standing within. Darth Carnifex sneers down at Auteme's smaller, weaker form. In turn, she meets his gaze with one full of hope! Her eyes burn with an unwavering desire to defeat the disgraced Sith Lord and ruin his chances at winning the tournament and the coveted miracle promised by the last of the Celestials. While the tension builds, each testing the other's resolve, neither of them makes a move.
From within the stands, Maynard Treicolt squints as he watches the exchange.
"Well ahhh shucks, Ryv, I can't quite see w'at in tarnation is goin' on over there, partner!" Maynard speaks in a flurry, his Concordian drawl strong enough to curdle milk. "Why are they just standin' right there! I threw down money to see a match, not a pair of bantha herders gazin' lovenly' into one anothur's eyes!"
"Focus on the fight, duuude," Ryv answers, lighting a doobie before passing it to the cowbo- Jedi. "It's not that they aren't, like, moving. You just can't see it, man. Each of them is moving, uuhh, like a tenth of an inch, measuring each other's defenses. It's gotta be the most righteous display of power ever seen."
Between the pair, Loske huffs, batting her hair back as she straightens in her seat. One leg is thrown over the other, back arched, boots far higher up her knees than they need be. Her high-heeled, steel-toed, battle boots clicked across the duracrete floor beneath their feet. When no one turned her way, she tossed her hair back again, this time smacking Ryv across the face. His focus returns to the joint as Maynard passes it back.
"Well, gotDANG Ryv! People out here got it like that?" Maynard asks, his baby blue eyes alight in total awe.
"Yeah, dude... Don't hog the bud, like c'mon, man," Ryv takes the doobie back and rips it hard, a massive cloud of smoke falling over the trio. Loske practically screams in anger as neither of the men beside her notices her and stomps off. The Kiffar's bloodshot gaze looks to Carnifex. "Like zoinks, Maynard, it looks like he's charging up his ultimate attack!"
"Oh no, Ryv! Wait. What's his ultimate attack?"
"Well-" Ryv begins, only to be cut off immediately.
"It's the SUPER-ULTRA-OMEGA-PRIME-AWESOME-SPECTACULAR-UNSTOPPABLE-INFALLIBLE-UNBEATABLE-ABSOLUTE-GAUNTLET-GO-SMACK-ATTACK!"
The two Jedi Knights look back in total shock to see THE Coren Starchaser before them.
"How in the h-e-double-hockey-sticks did they scrounge up enough doe for the real Coren Starchaser?" Maynard asks.
"Starchaser family's fallen on hard times, my guy. They recently started shilling Kalidan Fried Ewok. Last I heard, anyway," Ryv scans Coren, not surprised to see the new Kalidan Fried Ewok Lightspeed Cooker tucked beneath Coren's right arm or the trio of Kalidan Fried Ewok kebabs held in his left hand.
"Thank the beautiful and binding Force. I haven't had my yummy Kalidan Fried Ewok kebabs yet! Now that they're on Coruscant, I had to pick some up before the match! Throwing these Kalidan Fried Ewok kebabs up out of fear, not disgust, would've been a tragedy worse than anything wrought by the Sith! Ever!"
Ryv looks away from Coren and back to Maynard.
"Okay, then... Uh.... Should I light another?" Ryv asks.
"Way ahead of you, partner."
Back in the arena, Carnifex raises the gauntlet and takes aim at the tenacious Jedi Knight.
"Foolish girl did you really believe you could defeat me?! I am a miasma of darkness, capable of scouring entire battlefields with my limitless dark powers!" Carnifex cackles maniacally before taking a step closer. "Do you have any last words? Perhaps I can deliver them to your lover, Tithe before I rip his still-beating heart out before his very eyes and eat it in front of him."
"Okay, that's weird," Auteme says, though she still stands firm in the face of evil. "I will never let you hurt anyone else, Carnifex! In the name of peace, I will defeat you!"
"Mwuahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha-"
Auteme readies herself for the coming assault.
"-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha-"
She blinks. "Hey uh, can we-"
Carnifex raises a hand and halts her outright. "-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! You silly, silly, fool. Defeat me?! I am empowered by the Gauntlet of Kressh the Younger! How can you hope to defeat me without your special Force Light Auto-Eradication Beam?"
Auteme smirks. "Kark around and find out bish."
"You insolent brat!" Carnifex finally releases the blast of annihilation energy. The pitch-black power enwrapped in an aura of bloody crimson shoots forward at lightspeed, the very ground melting beneath its unbearable heat. Those behind Auteme die immediately, their bodies cooking, blackening, melting, and turning to ash in the blink of an eye.
Loske barely avoids death as she trips over her towering heels, inches from the beam.
"Oh no, Auteme!" Ryv looks as if he's about to stand, only for a wracking cough to overtake him. "W-Water, May!"
"Oh shoot, muh bad, man," Maynard passes him a bottle of something blurry before looking back to the match. "Ohholymotheroftheforce! Ryv, she's still alive!"
As the smoke finally clears away, it is not Auteme who's fallen. Instead, Carnifex has toppled over, the arm containing the gauntlet laying limp beside him.
"H-How!?" Carnifex howls, a mixture of shock and pain echoing in his words.
"Well," Auteme reaches down and unveils a pair of shades. "Let's just say I'm a master of.... slice-of-hand."
Silence fills the stadium as what remains of the audience stares in relief, watching her don the glasses.
"Now that I've won this battle, I will defeat your conspir-"
"Not so fast, little girl!"
Auteme looks up, following the mysterious voice. "No! This is against the rules! Darth Metus and Thurion Heavenshield! The tournament rules specifically said no two-versus-one matches!"
"Yes, little girl, while that may be true," Metus pauses, removing his mask to take a selfie with a gaggle of fangirls who've flooded his side of the stadium. When they finally clear away, he continues. "It says nothing of three-versus-one!"
"I will protect Midvinter," Thurion says.
"Uh..." Auteme looks to Metus, who shrugs.
"I will protect Midvinter," Thurion repeats.
"Is he okay?" Auteme asks, tilting her head to the side.
"Honestly, I don't know. That's all he's said all evening...." Metus waves a hand in front of Thurion's face, though the older Jedi doesn't seem to notice as he continues to repeat his single utterance. "Anyway.... Oh, yeah, my bad. We will never let you defeat Carnifex! For we have united to defeat the Bryn'adul!"
Auteme looks around. "No, t-they can't be here too!"
"They aren't," Metus says. "It's uh, pre-emptive measures... I guess.... Don't think too hard about it! How can you hope to defeat all three of us, little girl! You are SORELY outmatched!" as he finishes, another beautiful woman throws herself at him, only for Metus to toss her aside like a pastrami sandwich on rye bread.
"I will protect Midvinter," Thurion declares for the third time.
"NOW THAT THE ELDER COUNCIL HAS ASSEMBLED, YOU WILL PE-" Carnifex bellows his decree as he pushes himself to his feet, but halfway there, he tumbles back to the ground. "Argh f- you know what, Metus, help me up."
Now working together, the Dark Lord of the Sith manages to get back to his feet and activate his dreaded saber. Beside him, both Metus and Thurion lift theirs. A kaleidoscope of color dances about them as red, blue, and purple unite, the lack of any real central aesthetic noticed by many in the stands.
"You'd think they would've gone for matching outfits," one spectator comments.
"Or at least sabers," a second says.
"Anyway," Carnifex announces. "As I was saying.... HOW WILL YOU DEFEAT THE COMBINED MIGHT OF THE ELDER COUNCIL?!"
"Together, with my friends!" Auteme lifts her hands to the sky. "Jedi! Give me your energy! I must strike down the Elder Council before it's too late!"
Ryv and Maynard lift a hand each, taking turns passing the joint as they offer their power. Coren lifts a Kalidan Fried Ewok Kebab in each hand and praises the Force for such a delicious lunch. Loske reaches up to grab the nearby railing to aid her in getting back to her feet. Tears roll down her cheeks as nobody seems to of noticed her new jacket.
"No... It can't be.... Not THAT technique..." Metus falls to his knees in shock.
"I must protect Midvinter," Thurion screeches, frothing at the mouth midway through a stroke.
"Wait, no! Hold on! This is my last clone body! I can't come back from this!" Carnifex turns and dashes off, running as fast as he can to the nearest exit. Unfortunately, an army of crabs comes tumbling through the same entrance, following a more gigantic, red crab.
"THE BRYN'ADUL SHALL RISE AGAIN!"
Auteme hovers in the air now, hands raised to the stars as a sun-like orb of pure Force-light eclipses even the sky above them. She thrusts both hands forward. The light descends over them all, eradicating the most significant known threat to the galaxy of all time and forever. Auteme drops back to the ground and stands firm, hands balled and at her waist as millions of creatures die before her very eyes, ripped apart by the power she accumulated through technically legal means.
"It seems like I've finally won. I've saved the galaxy...." Auteme turns, her loving gaze passing right over Ryv to the wisened and experienced Senator, Aerarii Tithe.
"No.... Not yet," a feminine voice calls out from behind her.
Auteme turns back, eyes wide! From the ashes, a new challenger rises. The Dread Queen herself, the true mastermind of the Elder Compact, Srina Talon greets her with a chilling smile.
To be continued....
Auteme managed to fight her way into the finals of the Elder Tournament. Unfortunately, her last remaining allies Ryv and Loske were defeated by the Elder Compact's remaining members. Now alone in her fight against the most bizarre team up the galaxy has ever seen, Auteme's allies can only watch from the sidelines as she faces her greatest challenge yet...
Darth Carnifex, Dark Lord of the Sith...
Cameras flutter around the battlefield, each trained on the two figures standing within. Darth Carnifex sneers down at Auteme's smaller, weaker form. In turn, she meets his gaze with one full of hope! Her eyes burn with an unwavering desire to defeat the disgraced Sith Lord and ruin his chances at winning the tournament and the coveted miracle promised by the last of the Celestials. While the tension builds, each testing the other's resolve, neither of them makes a move.
From within the stands, Maynard Treicolt squints as he watches the exchange.
"Well ahhh shucks, Ryv, I can't quite see w'at in tarnation is goin' on over there, partner!" Maynard speaks in a flurry, his Concordian drawl strong enough to curdle milk. "Why are they just standin' right there! I threw down money to see a match, not a pair of bantha herders gazin' lovenly' into one anothur's eyes!"
"Focus on the fight, duuude," Ryv answers, lighting a doobie before passing it to the cowbo- Jedi. "It's not that they aren't, like, moving. You just can't see it, man. Each of them is moving, uuhh, like a tenth of an inch, measuring each other's defenses. It's gotta be the most righteous display of power ever seen."
Between the pair, Loske huffs, batting her hair back as she straightens in her seat. One leg is thrown over the other, back arched, boots far higher up her knees than they need be. Her high-heeled, steel-toed, battle boots clicked across the duracrete floor beneath their feet. When no one turned her way, she tossed her hair back again, this time smacking Ryv across the face. His focus returns to the joint as Maynard passes it back.
"Well, gotDANG Ryv! People out here got it like that?" Maynard asks, his baby blue eyes alight in total awe.
"Yeah, dude... Don't hog the bud, like c'mon, man," Ryv takes the doobie back and rips it hard, a massive cloud of smoke falling over the trio. Loske practically screams in anger as neither of the men beside her notices her and stomps off. The Kiffar's bloodshot gaze looks to Carnifex. "Like zoinks, Maynard, it looks like he's charging up his ultimate attack!"
"Oh no, Ryv! Wait. What's his ultimate attack?"
"Well-" Ryv begins, only to be cut off immediately.
"It's the SUPER-ULTRA-OMEGA-PRIME-AWESOME-SPECTACULAR-UNSTOPPABLE-INFALLIBLE-UNBEATABLE-ABSOLUTE-GAUNTLET-GO-SMACK-ATTACK!"
The two Jedi Knights look back in total shock to see THE Coren Starchaser before them.
"How in the h-e-double-hockey-sticks did they scrounge up enough doe for the real Coren Starchaser?" Maynard asks.
"Starchaser family's fallen on hard times, my guy. They recently started shilling Kalidan Fried Ewok. Last I heard, anyway," Ryv scans Coren, not surprised to see the new Kalidan Fried Ewok Lightspeed Cooker tucked beneath Coren's right arm or the trio of Kalidan Fried Ewok kebabs held in his left hand.
"Thank the beautiful and binding Force. I haven't had my yummy Kalidan Fried Ewok kebabs yet! Now that they're on Coruscant, I had to pick some up before the match! Throwing these Kalidan Fried Ewok kebabs up out of fear, not disgust, would've been a tragedy worse than anything wrought by the Sith! Ever!"
Ryv looks away from Coren and back to Maynard.
"Okay, then... Uh.... Should I light another?" Ryv asks.
"Way ahead of you, partner."
Back in the arena, Carnifex raises the gauntlet and takes aim at the tenacious Jedi Knight.
"Foolish girl did you really believe you could defeat me?! I am a miasma of darkness, capable of scouring entire battlefields with my limitless dark powers!" Carnifex cackles maniacally before taking a step closer. "Do you have any last words? Perhaps I can deliver them to your lover, Tithe before I rip his still-beating heart out before his very eyes and eat it in front of him."
"Okay, that's weird," Auteme says, though she still stands firm in the face of evil. "I will never let you hurt anyone else, Carnifex! In the name of peace, I will defeat you!"
"Mwuahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha-"
Auteme readies herself for the coming assault.
"-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha-"
She blinks. "Hey uh, can we-"
Carnifex raises a hand and halts her outright. "-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! You silly, silly, fool. Defeat me?! I am empowered by the Gauntlet of Kressh the Younger! How can you hope to defeat me without your special Force Light Auto-Eradication Beam?"
Auteme smirks. "Kark around and find out bish."
"You insolent brat!" Carnifex finally releases the blast of annihilation energy. The pitch-black power enwrapped in an aura of bloody crimson shoots forward at lightspeed, the very ground melting beneath its unbearable heat. Those behind Auteme die immediately, their bodies cooking, blackening, melting, and turning to ash in the blink of an eye.
Loske barely avoids death as she trips over her towering heels, inches from the beam.
"Oh no, Auteme!" Ryv looks as if he's about to stand, only for a wracking cough to overtake him. "W-Water, May!"
"Oh shoot, muh bad, man," Maynard passes him a bottle of something blurry before looking back to the match. "Ohholymotheroftheforce! Ryv, she's still alive!"
As the smoke finally clears away, it is not Auteme who's fallen. Instead, Carnifex has toppled over, the arm containing the gauntlet laying limp beside him.
"H-How!?" Carnifex howls, a mixture of shock and pain echoing in his words.
"Well," Auteme reaches down and unveils a pair of shades. "Let's just say I'm a master of.... slice-of-hand."
Silence fills the stadium as what remains of the audience stares in relief, watching her don the glasses.
"Now that I've won this battle, I will defeat your conspir-"
"Not so fast, little girl!"
Auteme looks up, following the mysterious voice. "No! This is against the rules! Darth Metus and Thurion Heavenshield! The tournament rules specifically said no two-versus-one matches!"
"Yes, little girl, while that may be true," Metus pauses, removing his mask to take a selfie with a gaggle of fangirls who've flooded his side of the stadium. When they finally clear away, he continues. "It says nothing of three-versus-one!"
"I will protect Midvinter," Thurion says.
"Uh..." Auteme looks to Metus, who shrugs.
"I will protect Midvinter," Thurion repeats.
"Is he okay?" Auteme asks, tilting her head to the side.
"Honestly, I don't know. That's all he's said all evening...." Metus waves a hand in front of Thurion's face, though the older Jedi doesn't seem to notice as he continues to repeat his single utterance. "Anyway.... Oh, yeah, my bad. We will never let you defeat Carnifex! For we have united to defeat the Bryn'adul!"
Auteme looks around. "No, t-they can't be here too!"
"They aren't," Metus says. "It's uh, pre-emptive measures... I guess.... Don't think too hard about it! How can you hope to defeat all three of us, little girl! You are SORELY outmatched!" as he finishes, another beautiful woman throws herself at him, only for Metus to toss her aside like a pastrami sandwich on rye bread.
"I will protect Midvinter," Thurion declares for the third time.
"NOW THAT THE ELDER COUNCIL HAS ASSEMBLED, YOU WILL PE-" Carnifex bellows his decree as he pushes himself to his feet, but halfway there, he tumbles back to the ground. "Argh f- you know what, Metus, help me up."
Now working together, the Dark Lord of the Sith manages to get back to his feet and activate his dreaded saber. Beside him, both Metus and Thurion lift theirs. A kaleidoscope of color dances about them as red, blue, and purple unite, the lack of any real central aesthetic noticed by many in the stands.
"You'd think they would've gone for matching outfits," one spectator comments.
"Or at least sabers," a second says.
"Anyway," Carnifex announces. "As I was saying.... HOW WILL YOU DEFEAT THE COMBINED MIGHT OF THE ELDER COUNCIL?!"
"Together, with my friends!" Auteme lifts her hands to the sky. "Jedi! Give me your energy! I must strike down the Elder Council before it's too late!"
Ryv and Maynard lift a hand each, taking turns passing the joint as they offer their power. Coren lifts a Kalidan Fried Ewok Kebab in each hand and praises the Force for such a delicious lunch. Loske reaches up to grab the nearby railing to aid her in getting back to her feet. Tears roll down her cheeks as nobody seems to of noticed her new jacket.
"No... It can't be.... Not THAT technique..." Metus falls to his knees in shock.
"I must protect Midvinter," Thurion screeches, frothing at the mouth midway through a stroke.
"Wait, no! Hold on! This is my last clone body! I can't come back from this!" Carnifex turns and dashes off, running as fast as he can to the nearest exit. Unfortunately, an army of crabs comes tumbling through the same entrance, following a more gigantic, red crab.
"THE BRYN'ADUL SHALL RISE AGAIN!"
Auteme hovers in the air now, hands raised to the stars as a sun-like orb of pure Force-light eclipses even the sky above them. She thrusts both hands forward. The light descends over them all, eradicating the most significant known threat to the galaxy of all time and forever. Auteme drops back to the ground and stands firm, hands balled and at her waist as millions of creatures die before her very eyes, ripped apart by the power she accumulated through technically legal means.
"It seems like I've finally won. I've saved the galaxy...." Auteme turns, her loving gaze passing right over Ryv to the wisened and experienced Senator, Aerarii Tithe.
"No.... Not yet," a feminine voice calls out from behind her.
Auteme turns back, eyes wide! From the ashes, a new challenger rises. The Dread Queen herself, the true mastermind of the Elder Compact, Srina Talon greets her with a chilling smile.
To be continued....
Its just a parody, people.
Auteme | Maynard Treicolt | Loske Treicolt | Coren Starchaser | Aerarii Tithe | Darth Metus |
Thurion Heavenshield
|
Tathra Khaeus
| Adrian Vandiir | Srina Talon
Auteme | Maynard Treicolt | Loske Treicolt | Coren Starchaser | Aerarii Tithe | Darth Metus |
Thurion Heavenshield
|
Tathra Khaeus
| Adrian Vandiir | Srina Talon
