A couple months back I touched on the worst moment of my own and my wife's life. It's almost been three years. March is that time, when we lost Wren's brother, Garrick, to Sigr. For the two years since, it's been a terrible time where I tend to close off and fully go into my depression and sorrow. It's hard not to. My wife has been amazing. Of the two of us, she's certainly been the stronger one. This years been different, though. Within two weeks of writing that article above, I was approved for the weight loss surgery program here in Maine. For the past couple of months I've been changing a lot of my eating habits. And it's been actually wonderful. I feel way less hungry, I feel better.

How much weight I've lost is still unknown. I'll figure it out in a couple days, but the big thing is things are going well. And if things continue to go well, I'll be getting the actual surgery some time in May. I'll be adding more articles about this as the months go by. A sort of diary for myself to get my thoughts somewhere.

Chaos has been a wonderful, wonderful help to this. Sounds crazy, right? Writing online is helping me loose weight. I'm sure people have noticed the insane amount of posting I've been doing. It distracts me. During my time in college I could only eat once a day at an all you can eat buffet, and that completely ruined my eating habits. Feeling hungry, at all, sends me immediately into binge eating to the point I get sick. It's been terrible, especially since I came back and can more readily eat when I want to. The freedom to eat mixed with the fear of being hungry had me eating way too much. And I eat when I'm depressed. Stressed.

There's a lot of reasons why I eat that I've needed to face. Because I can write, I can ignore my hunger. Mind hunger, mind you. I can now tell the difference between when I'm actually hungry versus somethings wrong in my head and I just want to eat. So I write posts. It keeps my attention, and I often finish a post forgetting about that mind hunger and no longer feeling hungry at all.

This is really disjointed, but it's my thoughts, so that's not too surprising. The 1st of February is my birthday. I had no cake, and the stuffed shells I used to eat by the dozen I instead only had one and a half. I'm proud of myself. I let myself wallow in misery over my lost son for way too long, and now I'm actually taking steps, and succeeding, to live for my still living son. By summer I hope to have started to really loose weight because of the surgery, and actually be able to run around with my son without feeling like I'm going to black out.

So that's it for now. In a month, literally, I'll know if I'm meeting with the surgeon or I have more weight to loose beforehand. So we'll see where this all goes.