Times a bit screwy with old posts past the shift to the new server. Nothing bad of course, just gave me a chuckle when I saw the date on an old article of mine. I called it Loss ( not gonna hyperlink it. https://www.starwarsrp.net/ams/loss.2737/ ). And it had to do with the impossible choices my wife and I had to make with our twin sons before they were even born. I still think Sigr (selective infant growth restriction) is the most unfair and absolutely terrible diagnosis parents of twins can get. But this isn't about that.

It's been so long now. Almost two years since I wrote that article. I'm writing this one because it's another sleepless night where the pain from that still haunts me. My son, Wren, is such a smart kid. Watching him figure things out is something absolutely amazing. He can count (ish. He knows numbers and knows to put them in order, just doesn't know that they actually mean an amount. He'll randomly count four five six and so on for example.)

But there are moments I can't help but think he's looking for his brother. Where he'll lay in bed and stare at the empty spot beside him like someone was supposed to be there. There's an old wives tale about how if children get on their hands and feet and look between their legs that the mom is either pregnant or their looking for a lost sibling.

You can imagine how heartbreaking it is. Some days I just can't keep back how awful I feel and I spend the night crying. It's far rarer now, but it still happens. And will, for all of my life. These sorts of events, loosing a child, they never go away or get better. They just get more manageable.

There is good to all this however! My son, Wren, is absolutely the best. And I say that as a dad who will always say that, and truly believes it. He knows quite a bit of sign language now and uses that mostly to talk (and he's figured out how to learn more so yay for that). He dances. He's started to sing along with some of his shows. He recognizes colors and animals and the sounds they make. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

There's no point to this. While I hope that this might help someone going through a similar loss now, that's not why I'm writing it. I'm writing it because I have no idea how else to get it out. To vent. So that's all this is.

If you've read this far, thanks. It's nice to be heard (or.. Nah, you get it.)

Oh right. Here's a pick of Wren being the happiest baby.