Aftermath: I Had This Thing

Oh, Allyson, the hardest thing in life is to let go of the ones we love…

Love. It's a blissful emotion, making your heart swell with warmth and acceptance, yet when it's lost, pain like a hot blade tearing through the swollen heart. Losing someone you love hurt, but it hurt more, knowing that there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. If there was something, you were a greater fool for not realizing it.

The point of the blade pressed against Allyson's chest. Being too deep into her despair, she had not realized Kaili had drawn it. There was a moment, hope as the woman leaned forward, giving her the affection she had looked for. As the warmth of remembered lips pressed against the broken Corellian, the blade slowly twisted into her heart. Every turn of the edge, Allyson felt, choking on the kiss, listening to the words that caressed her ears. Gasping as she was released, she looked at the girl and stopped. The light that illuminated her shape gave her an angelic aura. To Allyson, Kaili was a madonna, none stood close to her, never in a million years. Viridescent eyes stared at the beauty of the woman she had loved for so long, as she slowly faded into the sunset. Allyson found herself staring at the sunset, the same one they had watched.


Voices, the conversation - so innocent echoed in her ears. Allyson remembered everything, the memory so intense she felt as if she was there, feeling it again.

Makes you think, right? What else is it we're missing without even knowing?

It does...wonder what the sunset on Tatooine is like with the two suns, there are so many beautiful…

"Kaili?" Her memory was stripped from her as the blessing of one last vision was given. The knife burrowed deeper without help as she felt blood pour from her chest, pooling under her, but it didn't matter. Eyes watched as the vision played out, the woman she had seen before, but couldn't put the finger on who she was. Confusion filled the brunette as she remained hushed.

The woman's face in the vision and Allyson blinked, why was she watching Amea? The woman reached out, to someone and Allyson reached back, but it was no use. Like every memory, every glimpse into Kaili's life, she couldn't reach back. The vision faded, and the light that had engulfed the blonde had disappeared. Light faint sounds echoed, the dripping blood from the hilt of the knife buried into her chest and her heart. It was the only sound she could hear as it grew louder and louder, nothing stopping it as the pain of the cursed steel continued to twist hard into her body. Hands grasped the hilt, yet for some reason, she couldn't remove it.

All she could do was push it as deep as she could.


Eyes opened frantically, Allyson stared up at the ceiling she saw before passing into the deep recesses of her mind. Taking deep breaths, Allyson choked on the air as the pain from the knife continued to burn through her chest. No matter how wide or deep she took in air, nothing quenched the thirst for a breath. Hands pulled at her shirt, tearing at the bandages, as her body writhed in pain. A loud crash shook the room as bandages and medicine scattered from the fallen side table.

The pain that surged through her body only grew worse as time went on, but she managed to find her voice and groaned in pain. Gathering the strength, she rolled onto her stomach from her back and crawled using the couch as a crutch. Deep breaths between the strain that made her face and chest red, Allyson found herself collapsing against the hard sofa. Did she have a heart attack? Was this how she was going to die alone? Once more, her eyes stared at the ceiling, her mind racing a mile a minute, trying to figure out what had just happened. Why did she see Amea? Why did the pain she felt from the knife in her heart make its way to the physical world? Would the pain ever go away?

There were no more tears to shed, her face already stained with the tears of her loss. Hands clutching her chest as she wanted to rip her heart out, collect its pieces, and throw them away. It was the only thing she could think of that would stop the pain threatening to choke her to death. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, as she didn't know what to do anymore. Again and again, she tried to enter the sanctuary she had built in her mind, but it was pointless, nothing manifested.

The pain was becoming too much, and soon one last desperate gasp of air, one more reach for someone to hold her - Allyson closed her eyes, and her hand fell at her side. The room grew cold as her body slumped into the couch, finding peace.

As she slept, a voice echoed in her ear and warmth of another caressed her broken heart. Moving and collecting the pieces doing its best to help it keep beating. Allyson felt as if she was floating, the pain had left her, and she was left wondering. Finding her feet still on the floor, she walked through the open white space that she found herself in. Is this heaven or something? The concept seemed unlikely, but the Corellian didn't doubt that she was probably dead with the endless pain she felt.

Her vision saw nothing but white, she was surrounded, but there was something in the distance. She could feel it as the source of warmth. Feet moved without her command as she nearly fell over from the momentum change. Allyson felt air enter her lungs, burning as if she had been holding her breath. Her pounding footsteps echoed in her ears. She realized the sound was not her footsteps, but the synchronized beat of two hearts. It grew louder and louder, the closer she got to the source of the comforting feeling.

In the distance, a white-haired lithe woman knelt down, picked something up, and then placed it gently into a basket. Allyson watched, unable to find a voice to question what the woman was doing and why she was doing it. Time passed unannounced as the woman continued, the sounds of crying echoed as the woman would pause to wipe her face. Allyson took another step closer, and the silver-haired stranger turned and faced her. The basket fell from her hands as she was surprised to see Allyson. Contents spilled out, and Allyson was able to see what she was collecting. A memory on each fragment of her heart laid on the bare floor of the white world. "Rae?" Allyson looked up, finally seeing the face of the woman in full. The voice and the face it belonged to was quickly recognized, it brought a small smile to the Corellian as she paused.

"What are you doing?" Allyson found her voice as she took another step towards the woman as she knelt down and started to pick up the pieces again. Silence remained between them, causing the brunette to sigh softly. She had no idea what was going on and why Jorryn was here picking up fragments of memories. Nothing made sense, but Allyson moved closer and knelt down to pick up a piece scattered far from the pile when the Echani had dropped her basket. Holding the glass light shard, Allyson watched the brief memory play out. It was void of all color, and Allyson shook the shard, trying to knock it to work. Waiting, she recognized the memory; it had happened when they had gone shopping. She felt the warmth of the hug that occurred even heard the muffled command from the haughty Inquisitor. The memory belonged to Rae, not to Allyson, despite how much Allyson wanted it to be hers.

A hand clasped around the memory as it was taken from Allyson. It found its way into the basket of Rae's memories. Turning away and leaving the Echani to do what she was doing, the brunette knelt down and picked up a few more fragments. The ones she held onto belonged to her time with Ryv, she remembered the words in the hospital and how he pulled her out of the darkness she had found herself in. Another was their first night at the ball, the wind whipping through her long hair as they headed through Coruscant's traffic. Finally, the third was their day on Corellia, she remembered his hug and how safe she felt. Regret filled her heart as she watched the short memories play out in her hand against the glass of whatever had shattered. Looking up, she wandered back towards the other woman and offered the memories. She seemed apprehensive to grab them.

"They belong." Another voice, one she knew intimately echoed. A velvety Imperial accent caressed the words as they whispered in Allyson's ear. "But they're not mine." Turning, Allyson came face to face with herself - except this wasn't her, Allyson spoke affirming her response. "They're ours." Rae shrugged, "I don't want them. You're the reason everything is separated. You didn't want to accept the things you had to do to survive, you didn't want to accept the feelings that you found yourself feeling, everything that happened to us is because of you." Allyson knelt down and grabbed more fragments of her memories, seeing the horrible things she had to do, assassinations, lies, and blood on her hands. "This isn't me," Allyson spoke, her voice breaking. Rae shook her head and sighed. "It's you we're all you. Why can't you accept that? For everything to start getting better, you have to realize that you can't run from the others. Don't you want us to be happy?" Allyson looked in the direction that Rae had turned her attention towards. The warm feeling that brought her here swirled around her, and she suddenly knew what was happening. "If you don't accept everything, Allyson, you'll never be happy." Rae moved away and wandered over to the Echani, smiling. Arms linked and they started to move away from the pile of shattered glass, the warm feeling she felt in her heart began to fade, and Allyson tried to follow.


With each step, she felt the cold begin to slow her down till she felt her legs freeze, forcing her to collapse where she stood. The same pain started to cause her chest to tighten, constricting her breathing as she looked down. The small fragments of her memories played out, showing different times in her life, different identities, and even some that she didn't remember.

"Don't you see it? All of us together make you up, all the memories despite being lived by another face are still a part of Allyson. If you continue to fight it, you won't wake up."

"Wake up? So I am dead."

"No, you're just passed out. But you won't live much longer if you keep trying hard to run from everything. You have to try and accept the mistakes you've made, the blood on your hands, you have to fix the mess you've made."

Allyson held the shards of her memories in her hands, letting them fall through her fingers, watching as they started to pool and combine into one large piece. They were still fragmented and cracked, but they were beginning to heal. A part of her knew that Rae was right, she had to learn to accept things - it was part of the lesson that Kaili had tried to teach her. Being able to let go and accepting the things that had happened and continue to look forward.

Standing, Allyson began to collect the others. Each fragment, she took a moment to watch it, even if it was painful. They were all a part of her and had shaped her in some way. More and more pieces were collected, each fusing to the larger piece, and slowly the world around her started to fade, bringing forward the colors of life. Heartaches and happiness filled the center of the room, showing through the cracks of a broken woman and beginning to heal.

Once everything was collected, Allyson stood in front of the cracked outline of her heart. She stared at it, noticing the openings that had missing pieces. Allyson put her hands into the holes, wondering what was supposed to go there. It was then she felt someone beside her, they were placing the missing segments carefully, looking she noticed the woman from before. A soft smile spread across her face as she continued. Allyson's presence seemed to have gone unnoticed, but a finger tapped her on her shoulder.

"It's a start." Rae embraced Allyson and soon slowly disappeared the moment that Allyson returned the embrace. She felt stronger as if a missing piece had been returned to her. The others spoke but never appeared, they refused to accept this new revelation and demanded that they were to live life.

Her brow furrowed as her hand rested against her eyes. It was stupid to think that this was going to be something easy, but with the strength of accepting Rae's life, she as able to push the others away. The warmth that she had felt when she first had run into the woman returned. It hugged her tightly and calmed her mind. Allyson closed her eyes softly as she soon felt the hug from the Echani.

The rest of the world around them shifted, the outline of her heart fading with the memories. The white backdrop was soon replaced with the colors of a busy cafe on Bastion. Voices echoed in Allyson's ears, chatter about the war, and just the day-to-day goings of life. Emerald eyes opened, and her vision was consumed by the Ecahni woman in front of her. Jorryn looked up with her amber gaze and smiled softly. Allyson felt her lips curl into a stupid grin, happiness taking over her as she spoke quietly.

"I love you."

Slender fingers brushed her cheek, trailing down her chin as the woman grabbed her and kissed her. A voice echoed in her mind as she felt herself melting into the perfect dream.


Tell the truth so we can have a chance at being happy.