I've said a few things in my last loa post but I really need to just like, throw some word vomit out I swear.
Ever since last month I feel like what little rp I've done has gone down in quality a lot. I also hate how little I've been writing.
I use to be doing stuff all the time and now I feel like I've hit 2 walls..so a corner I guess.
Wall 1: life has been SO screwed lately and all over the place. Barely have money, only way bills are being paid is by door dashing for hours on end. No Internet cuz that's just more money so we got rid of it. Only got service with my phone and that runs out. Like it is now, can't load sites like discord but I can load this site, slowly. And I want to use my laptop to write but I'm not about to use a hotspot and drain my service even faster. Well you know, when I get some. Which hopefully I can door dash tomorrow and make enough to get some. Which who knows if I will. Depends on if there's anything going on in the town I always go to. Hopefully I get lucky.
Wall 2: I've noticed my writing has been worse. And shorter. I have no idea why this is. I noticed it after the first forced break I had to take. And a big thing. My brain. I swear my brain lately, just AAAA. I see threads I would love to post in. But my brain says no. I see a thread I need to respond to, my brain says no. And by that I mean I think, "oh I don't want to make a reply right now, I'll leave it unread and do it later" then for some reason I JUST NEVER DO. Part of it is my forgetting. Part of it is my brain keeps saying that. And it makes me feel shitty cuz I know I should reply, I should post. But Im just not and I hate it.
WHY BRAIN WHY.
Like I feel like I'm letting people down, that people don't want to write me or aren't going to want to because of this.
Like I already didn't have to many people who I rped with, a few and some groups but not much. Like I always felt...I don't want to say ignored. But most of the time when I post a lfg or in a ooc for a upcoming thread that I want to write with someone, a lot of the time I get nothing and have to like say it again on discord once or twice. Which I feel bad about doing cuz it feels like...not begging.. annoying? No that doesn't seem like the right word either.idk what the word I'm looking for is but I don't like doing it is the point. I'm lucky my last lfg got 3 responses(and to those 3 sorry I haven't done anything life has been kicking me).
Now don't get me wrong, I am NOT saying I except people to come to me or to respond. No, not at ALL, no. And I'm not saying they should or anything. Like I'm not saying anything bad about anyone else. I know me saying this sounds....what's the word....I'm not sure.
Stupid for one I know that's a good word for it.
But also I know why my brain thinks that, the anxiety and self doubt. It's always been like this my entire life. If anything I should be use to my brain doing that but eh.
And I know the whole "real life comes before the site" and all that. While yes it does, that doesn't mean I still don't feel kinda shitty and like a jerk about it.
I want to rp, but my brain just isn't letting me for some reason. Idk if I just need to like force myself to post a few things to see if that kickstarts my brain or what. Because I really do and I feel like I'm letting people down and being disappointing. But I just.
I don't know anymore.
And don't get me wrong, love the site, love y'all on here, y'all are great. Anything I say is no one's fault but my own.
Part of me doesn't even want to post this. But the rest of me feels like I owe people what little of a explanation I can give.
I'm sorry.
If this randomly disappears it's cuz I got self conscious and deleted it. We'll see if that happens
Ever since last month I feel like what little rp I've done has gone down in quality a lot. I also hate how little I've been writing.
I use to be doing stuff all the time and now I feel like I've hit 2 walls..so a corner I guess.
Wall 1: life has been SO screwed lately and all over the place. Barely have money, only way bills are being paid is by door dashing for hours on end. No Internet cuz that's just more money so we got rid of it. Only got service with my phone and that runs out. Like it is now, can't load sites like discord but I can load this site, slowly. And I want to use my laptop to write but I'm not about to use a hotspot and drain my service even faster. Well you know, when I get some. Which hopefully I can door dash tomorrow and make enough to get some. Which who knows if I will. Depends on if there's anything going on in the town I always go to. Hopefully I get lucky.
Wall 2: I've noticed my writing has been worse. And shorter. I have no idea why this is. I noticed it after the first forced break I had to take. And a big thing. My brain. I swear my brain lately, just AAAA. I see threads I would love to post in. But my brain says no. I see a thread I need to respond to, my brain says no. And by that I mean I think, "oh I don't want to make a reply right now, I'll leave it unread and do it later" then for some reason I JUST NEVER DO. Part of it is my forgetting. Part of it is my brain keeps saying that. And it makes me feel shitty cuz I know I should reply, I should post. But Im just not and I hate it.
WHY BRAIN WHY.
Like I feel like I'm letting people down, that people don't want to write me or aren't going to want to because of this.
Like I already didn't have to many people who I rped with, a few and some groups but not much. Like I always felt...I don't want to say ignored. But most of the time when I post a lfg or in a ooc for a upcoming thread that I want to write with someone, a lot of the time I get nothing and have to like say it again on discord once or twice. Which I feel bad about doing cuz it feels like...not begging.. annoying? No that doesn't seem like the right word either.idk what the word I'm looking for is but I don't like doing it is the point. I'm lucky my last lfg got 3 responses(and to those 3 sorry I haven't done anything life has been kicking me).
Now don't get me wrong, I am NOT saying I except people to come to me or to respond. No, not at ALL, no. And I'm not saying they should or anything. Like I'm not saying anything bad about anyone else. I know me saying this sounds....what's the word....I'm not sure.
Stupid for one I know that's a good word for it.
But also I know why my brain thinks that, the anxiety and self doubt. It's always been like this my entire life. If anything I should be use to my brain doing that but eh.
And I know the whole "real life comes before the site" and all that. While yes it does, that doesn't mean I still don't feel kinda shitty and like a jerk about it.
I want to rp, but my brain just isn't letting me for some reason. Idk if I just need to like force myself to post a few things to see if that kickstarts my brain or what. Because I really do and I feel like I'm letting people down and being disappointing. But I just.
I don't know anymore.
And don't get me wrong, love the site, love y'all on here, y'all are great. Anything I say is no one's fault but my own.
Part of me doesn't even want to post this. But the rest of me feels like I owe people what little of a explanation I can give.
I'm sorry.
If this randomly disappears it's cuz I got self conscious and deleted it. We'll see if that happens
