For a long time, I was an incredibly flaky roleplayer. I was constantly asking people how to get involved, struggling to find my footing, overthinking my characters and stories, and frequently getting in my own way before anything even had a chance to develop. I would get excited about an idea, jump into something, and then struggle to follow through. Sometimes I would disappear from stories entirely, only to return later and find myself right back where I started, wondering how to get involved again. I wanted so badly to be part of things, but I don't think I always knew how to let myself be part of them.
Looking at where I am now, I'm genuinely proud of how far I've come in just four months.
I have several ongoing, long-term writing partners with whom I'm telling stories that I'm excited and invested in. I've opened myself up to new writers, stepped outside my comfort zone, and even found myself writing with people who, once upon a time, intimidated the heck out of me. Somewhere along the way, I've started feeling like a small but recognizable part of the High Republic, and perhaps more importantly, I feel more accepted and connected on this board than I ever have before.
That means quite a lot to me.
It's funny how you can get this far in life and still find yourself learning lessons that probably should have clicked years ago. Recently, though, several things seem to have finally fallen into place.
I'm learning to loosen my grip on stories and let them take me wherever they want to go, rather than trying to plan or control every little detail. I'm learning that not everything needs to be complicated to be interesting. Sometimes a simple interaction can grow into something wonderful if you just give it a little room to breathe.
I'm learning to let Kat be Kat, rather than treating her as an extension of myself. Her experiences, relationships, successes, and failures don't have to be reflections of my own. She's a character, and allowing her to make mistakes, experience consequences, and develop independently of me has actually made writing her so much more enjoyable.
I'm also learning to worry a little less about what other people think of me. I'm trying to stop second-guessing whether I belong in a story or whether someone actually wants to write with me. I am learning that sometimes threads do fail or stall, but it's not a reason to let yourself spiral into total flake mode. I've also been working on breaking my terrible habit of deleting characters whenever their stories stall, or I lose momentum. Sometimes stories slow down, and sometimes characters need time to find their direction. That doesn't mean they have failed or that I need to throw everything away and start over.
Most of all, I think I'm finally learning how to get out of my own way and simply enjoy being a roleplayer.
None of this is to say I've figured everything out. I still have plenty of growing to do, and I'm sure I'll continue to stumble over some of these same lessons from time to time. However, there's something incredibly encouraging about recognizing that my mindset has shifted. Things that used to feel intimidating now feel exciting. Instead of constantly wondering how to get involved, I'm finding myself already involved, looking forward to where my existing stories might lead and what new ones might be waiting around the corner.
As always, I'm incredibly thankful to the people who embraced me, encouraged me, and gave me opportunities to write with them, especially during those times when I was my own biggest obstacle. I know I wasn't always the easiest person to maintain a story with. My inconsistency was more than an occasional bad habit, and I recognize that there were people who showed me far more patience than I probably deserved. Whether you helped me find my footing, invited me into a story, stuck with me through my repeated disappearances and abandoned plots, or simply made me feel welcome, you've contributed to making this hobby something I genuinely look forward to.
I know my progress might seem small from the outside, but it feels pretty significant to me. I'm happy with the writer I'm becoming, and I'm even happier that I'm finally allowing myself to enjoy the process rather than constantly worrying about whether I'm doing it right.
As we head into another season, I'm doing so with a little more confidence, a handful of stories I love, some wonderful writing partners, and a much healthier outlook on this whole roleplaying thing.
For once, I'm not looking at a new season as an opportunity to reinvent myself or start everything over. I'm excited to continue what I've started, keep learning, and see where the stories take me.
And that's a pretty wonderful feeling.
Happy autumn, everyone!
