Writing, Suggestions and Help

[Corruck Kazen]

Greetings all, some of you may recognize me, though probably most will not and I do not blame you. I have been somewhat quiet outside of the RP aspect of this site.​

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I have started this thread to ask others what they think of my writing: how I could improve it, where I really need help, if my style tweaking, etc.​

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For those of you who have read the posts I have made with my IC characters, any suggestions into how to make the characters more real or where my writing needs work would be appreciated.​

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I also started this thread to see what other people think of a book I am working on. I will, hopefully, be cranking out a chapter every now and then and then post it here for people to critique. I do not know much about writing, aside from the generic grammar rules and what not. So I would like to have help with establishing a good measuring stick.​

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Thanks!​

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Spoiler

Prelude​

Flashing, burning in the eyes. He couldn’t think, his brain felt like it was falling apart. He couldn’t tell if his eyes were open or closed, there was always the incessant red spots and bright white light. His world was fading into darkness, nothing to stop it. He needed to break free, his hands thrashed at the invisible enemy. A cold grip came across him, he felt his arms restricted to his sides, he couldn’t move. His brain burned harder; letting out a scream he felt that this was it. His death imminent, he saw stars, the red overwhelmed the white and all went dark.
Then, a voice, distant and almost unheard, drifted into the darkness. That darkness that threatened to swallow his insignificant existence. He was lost in a sea of pitch, with a sky of night. His moon was new and stars were dead. His mind could not handle it and created images of light and a past that he couldn’t remember. His identity slowly slipped into the darkness, he was faceless, without memory. His mind was dark, with nothing left to see. The voice continued speaking, the words unrecognizable. His thoughts, pure emotion rather than words, skimmed across the darkness of the sea. What was this voice? Who was speaking? What was it saying? Why was it speaking? His mind asked without curiosity. Emotions had disappeared; he did not care truly what was around him, who he was, or what that voice was trying to say. He couldn’t think in words, the thoughts were empty, along with his being.
Suddenly, the pain returned. The black world around him was lit with the intensity of the sun. His mind withered under the intense blaze. He tried to escape back into the darkness, but it was nowhere to be found. Was this to be his life? Unending alteration between pure agony and the darkness of solitude. He wished it were not so, but it could only be that. Would he ever no relief? His mind was filled with dread as it said the answer was no.
Without warning the pain ceased, and he felt his mind return to the bonds of his body. The words he had heard during his pain returned. However, this time he could discern the words. He realized his mind was thinking in words rather than emotions. The words seemed to echo in his ears as he listened. “Hold on… only temporary… temporal turbulence…” He could tell whoever was talking was insane or otherwise losing coherence. The words the man began to spoke made no sense.
His heavy eyes opened, only to see what appeared to be the white pain that had existed before. He did not understand, surely he had left that. Then his eyes began to focus, the white became a silvery grey and lines appeared in the uniform brightness. His head rolled down and he saw the rest of his body, held in some sort of restraint. He did not understand, but then it made sense. He could not move his arms before because of this. He tried to lift his head, but he was too tired, it felt as if it were made of lead. His muscles screamed for relief as he tried twice, thrice, before at last giving up. His eyes closed again and darkness once again enveloped him.
His next memory was that of lying down. The room was dimmed; at least he thought it was a room. His head fell to the left, which fortunately allowed him to see the rest of the room. Others were in here too. He couldn’t see much of them. Only that they appeared to be sleeping, or so the rhythmic rising and lowering of their chests would indicate. He tried to remember how he got here, but the pain returned as he did so. He couldn’t remember anything before the pain. He felt himself slipping back into the fatigue that wore so heavily on him. He fought to keep his eyes open, but they slowly sank shut. He sank into blackness.
The next time his eyes opened, he felt great quakes all about. He didn’t understand this, everything shook. He tried to tell his body to stand, but nothing happened. He willed with all his might for his arms to obey his mental commands, to no avail. He was still lying there, in what he assumed was a bed...a bed, where did that memory come from? That thought sparked pain in his mind, as if it were somehow connected to before all the pain of earlier. He tried to unravel the knots of lost memories, trying desperately to find out who he was and why he was here. But nothing happened. Then he felt his body losing balance, even on a bed…more pain. Then he watched with eyes only slits as his body rolled off the bed and fell to the floor with a thud. Pain surged up and down his body.
As if broken out of a trance, his arms moved to his head. The pain was so much. Then he realized he had control. He told his legs to move… nothing. He began crawling with only his arms. Each movement using all his mental control, each moment filled with a potent mixture of searing pain and terror. The world continued to vibrate around him, even spin. He came to a door… another thought and another prickling pain. It slid open as his hand moved to rest against it.
He soon found himself in a hallway… the third memory and third pain, each one growing less severe. His arms pulled him slowly forward, but now he had two ways to go. His mind was too numb to make a guess. He began moving to the right and as he moved, his eyes went dark again. The next time they opened he found himself in a new room, it had people… the pain was barely more than a prickle, moving around and yelling at each other. He felt the room continue to shake, more violently than before. One of the people turned towards him, the person was strange to him. The man had longer hair that looked more like strands of web. It flowed with an elegance that was beyond his understanding as he walked to him. The man seemed to be concerned and angry. A hand lifted his face as the man said something. “We are… crash…Remember your identity…only way to live.”
Without warning, a sound of metal being rent from itself was heard. A large opening appeared in the wall behind the man. The metallic silver was broken by a strange blackness surrounded by small string like things. He didn’t understand, but he found it beautiful. Then there was a final loud crash and the world around him disappeared and his mind ceased to think.

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[mdlogan]

Alright that was meant to be in this account, not Corruck.

Sorry :lol:

 

[Jsc]

You're willingness to open yourself and your writing to positive feedback and critique goes a long way to describe what kind of a writer you are now; and what kind of writer you will one day become because of it. A great one.

Cheers and best wishes in all that you do.

 

[mdlogan]

[member="Jay Scott Clark"]

Thank you. I have been thinking of doing this for awhile, but had continued to make pretty bad excuses not to. So, I'm just glad I pulled myself around to do it. It is kinda funny to me, it looks kind of petty to want to avoid asking for help in this way. But then I guess that is maturing for ya. :lol:

 

[mdlogan]

Alright here is the next chapter. The first one was kind of short, but I figured a Prelude need not be quite as long as a regular chapter. This first chapter is also kind of short for my tastes (only taking about three and a half Word pages).

Any suggestions on how this could be improved, or pointers on where you see recurring weaknesses in my writing (I know it may be a little early since there are only two chapters, but just in case) are most appreciated.

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Spoiler

Chapter 1​

Allisun walked down the pasture with the ease of well-practiced muscles. He was searching for a portion of the flock that had wandered off into the craggier region of the pasture. It was swiftly coming to nightfall and he sorely wished to not leave the missing flock out overnight. This land was far from hospitable during the night, both for people and animals.

He could hear in the distance, the howl of one of the night creatures. Such things he wished to avoid, hence he stayed far from the edges of the pasture. The edges were the least safe areas, because on the rare occasion one of those monstrous beasts would find a way over the fencing. Those beasts were truly terrifying, and he hoped that the flock had not wandered to close.

As he walked, the ground beneath his feet grew steadily rougher and the light increasingly darker. Allisun’s footsteps became less frequent as it took longer to prepare for the next step. It was difficult to tell if his next step would be on level ground. At last his fortune ran out, he slipped on one of the larger rocks and fell, twisting his ankle on the way down. He let out a groan as he lifted his head from the stones. He felt the bitter tang of blood in his mouth, but his mouth was not bleeding. He felt his forehead and found that a stone had created a fairly small graze. It was enough to cause significant bleeding, but not enough to be a danger to his health. He raised himself onto one knee about to stand…

That moment was when it happened. He heard a far of whistling, as if a rock was flying through the air. When he raised his eyes, a star was falling from the night sky. It moved as faster than his mind; one moment in the air, the next crashed into the field. There was the bone grinding sound of earth and stone being rent. There was a blazing inferno as if the star would shine with the glory of the sun and a push of wind sent him onto his back and howled in his ears. Then all fell silent and for a moment Allisun felt deaf and blind. As his eyes adjusted to the light of the stars, he tried to pick himself up. He stood and took a few steps. His legs buckled and he was dumped back onto the rocky ground. A minute passed as he allowed his legs a moment’s rest.

Then he was moving towards the crater that had been left by the star’s wrathful decent. He took his time to pick and choose where he stepped. This process was made easier by a glowing light that he had not noticed before. It was coming from the crater and seemed to be coming from a strange chunk of material that he could not identify.

When he reached the edge of the crater, he began his own slow decent. At first he tried to find footholds and take it a step at a time. However, it soon became evident that such labor was a waste of time and effort, and so he began finding small areas to slide down. The sharp shards of stone cut into his trousers and skin as he slid down the rough surface. By the time he had reached the bottom of the crater, he could feel a number of small scrapes and cuts all along his back and legs. When he looked around, Allisun found himself three meters down from where he had started.

His attention was drawn away from his current situation by a strange sound. At first he could not identify it, but it soon was recognizable as a whimper. He moved as quickly as his now sore legs would carry him. In less than a minute he had made his way to the strange chunk of material. It was curved slightly along the side that he was viewing. But the edges that he could see were sharp and jagged, as if it had been ripped from where it had once been. He touched the strange material to find that it was incredibly hot. He could smell burnt flesh as he pulled his hand hastily away. For a moment he didn’t feel anything, but that was not to last. His fingers were soon agonizingly filled with pain. He watched as a layer of skin fell away from his hand.

For a long moment all he could do was stand there, holding back a scream as the pain began to slowly subside. When at last he could take his attention away from the burn, Allisun moved around the strange…thing was the only word he could use to describe it. When he had moved about half way around he noticed that the other side of this thing was not glowing. He lightly brushed his other hand against the material; he found that it was not hot but actually quite cool. It was a strange color, silver with a tint of bronze. He had heard of such colors, but never seen them before. They were supposed to be some of the rarest naturally occurring colors, yet here was a mix of the two in a large chunk of something. He found that the piece was slightly concave on this side; he could walk in about a meter before he hit a wall. He walked and found something on the end, a body.

At first he thought it was a pile of cloth or something, but then he saw it move. His instinct was to pull back, but when he did so he hit his head on the material. He bent down and touched the clothing and felt some resistance. Then he felt some wetness down there and some red liquid began to well up around his fingers. He realized that this was a person and that he or she was hurt, badly. He moved around a little to try and find an arm or leg to give him something to drag the person with. He found an arm and pulled with all his strength, dragging the person out of the thing. He cursed the darkness around him, for he could not check the person for any injuries beyond the bleeding wound in the person’s side.

Allisun moved quickly to pick up the person’s body and move it onto his back. That would allow him to carry the person up the ridge and back to his home without having to worry about making more injuries. As he carried the person to the edge of the ridged he remembered that the ridge was a lot taller than he could easily do with his hands holding the person in place. Thinking quickly, he put the body in front of him and began slowly; painfully climbing up, pushing his hands into the soil and cracking some of the smaller rocks to give him hand holds.

Five minutes would find Allisun running across the plain, not as swiftly as he would have liked, but he had little choice with the person on his back. His legs were very sore now and his arms were not far behind. His lungs burned, but his strength did not waver. He didn’t know who this person was or how he got into that strange thing, but he would not die while Allisun was on watch. He felt the blood from the person dripping through his clothes and down his back, the cold of night making it begin to freeze. That was always the problem, night here often ended in frost. One reason, out of many, that no one preferred to stay out at night.
An hour later, his determination wavered; he had expected to be at home by now. He must have lost his way, or otherwise fallen off the path. He thought of changing directions, maybe trying to find another path, but then decided against it. He just continued forward, it was really the only choice. Either they would come across the home, or come across some small crevice in which they could spend the night. But if he tried to change direction he could easily become lost and they may wander in circles, especially with little to no light. The stars above seemed to cast such a distant light; they appeared uncaring for the plight of those below as they wandered across the midnight sky. It was disheartening to Allisun, with a possibility of dying this night. If it happened, he probably would not be found until daylight, which, with winter starting any day now, was far too long a wait.

Luckily, he was actually close to home, he found the doors unlocked. In a minute he was inside, the heated air quickly warming his body and that of the person. Allisun felt the person’s heart begin to beat a little quicker, which was both good and bad. He laid the body on the floor and ripped some of his own clothing to bandage the wound. He had to at least slow the blood flow so that he could get a medical kit down here. The only one in the house was upstairs, because his family rarely needed medical attention, however he wished now that they did need it more often.

He was about to leave the body to run and get the kit when he heard another door in the house open and close loudly. He could guess who it was, his father. Allisun called out, “Father! I need your help, quickly!” He wasn’t sure what do say, he had never had to explain such a situation to his father before and this was completely unexpected.

His father’s voice could be heard through the house as he called out, “I am on my way. I’ll be there in but a moment.”

A minute later his father appeared around a corner. At first he seemed only a little concerned, but as he rounded the corner his face fell into absolute shock. He rushed to Allisun’s side asking, “Is he still alive? Where did you find him?”

“He’s still alive. I found him out in the pasture.” Allisun answered still pushing on the wound with his cloth bandage. His father moved Allisun’s hand and placed his own hand on the bandage. The bleeding had mostly stopped, but it was better to be safe.

“Go get the medical kit.” His father calmly commanded.

Allisun nodded and ran up the stairs, banging his foot on one of the steps as he did so. He found the medical kit at the top of the stairs to the right. He grabbed it by the handle and carried it quickly back down the stairs back to his father.

“Here it is,” Allisun said quietly. He held out the kit and his father snatched it up and opened it. Allisun stood aside and watched as his father deftly picked out a medicine injector and pressed the syringe into the skin of the person.

His father held the cloth over the wound for a moment longer and then pulled it away. The large gash was rapidly shrinking; the flesh was closing up the wound. “Good job Allisun, now where did you find him?”

“I found him in the pasture; he was inside a funny thing that crashed into the ground. It burned on one side but not on the other. It looked like one of the stars falling.”

“Hmm. Alright let’s see to yo-,” his father was suddenly caught off by a distant sound of thunder rumbling ever closer. His eyes widened for a moment before he continued.

“Get him upstairs now. Put him underneath your bed.”

Allisun was unsure for a moment and then replied, “Sure.” He turned and lifted the arms on the person and pulled with all his weakening strength.

At that moment, two more banging doors could be heard, not quite as loudly as father. A somewhat older male’s voice drifted into the room, “Hey Allisun? You home? Where is the rest of the flock?”

Father called out in reply, “Quickly everyone to me.... Except you Allisun.” He waited a moment until Allisun’s older brother and sister had entered the room. They both looked questioningly at Allisun, pulling the stranger’s body towards the stairs.

Father cut off any questions by stating, “Now we have a guest and he needs some rest. Help Allisun take him up the stairs and into his room. I told Allisun what to do so help him if he asks. Alright?”

The daughter responded first, “Yes father.” She turned on her heels and quickly walked to Allisun’s side where she also grabbed the person’s arms and helped pull.

The son was a little slower but he too responded, “Okay.” He got there just in time to pick up the legs as they all ascended the stairs.

The father meanwhile had walked back outside. The thunder was steadily growing louder and he knew that it was not natural thunder. Soon he could see a light coming up over the nearby trees, it was as he expected.

The humans had come to find the strange fallen star.​

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