Approved Tech Warrior Garb

[Moya Virtu]

• Intent: To sub a unique light armor for Moya

Spoiler

• Image Source:
  

  Shaak-ti by mikekimart on DeviantArt

  www.deviantart.com

• Canon Link: N/A

• Permissions: N/A

• Primary Source: Light Armor

PRODUCTION INFORMATION

• Manufacturer: Laertia Io
• Affiliation: Moya Virtu
• Model:
• Modularity: No
• Production: Unique
• Material: Armorweave

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

• Classification: Multipurpose
• Weight: Light
• Resistances:
  • Energy: Very Low
  • Kinetic: Very Low
  • Lightsabers: Average
  • Lightning: Extreme
  • Flame: High
  • Cryo: Very Low
  • Magic: Average
  • Force Push: Extreme
  • Ion: Low
  • Microwaves: Low
  • Acid: Extreme
• • SPECIAL FEATURES

Blessed by the Light to resist magical energies and Lightsabers.

Blessed robes make her nearly immune to Push Type Force Powers and Lightning.

Blessed Robes maker her highly resistant to flame

Capable of repairing itself.

Prototype heat sinks enable Moya to keep functioning even during overheat incidents.

Excellent mobility

Increases Moya's resistance to Acid.


STRENGTHS

Blessed Protection: Bathed in the waters of a purified lake on Mimban, the robes have become highly resistant to Force Push type attacks, Lightning, and provide some resistance to lightsabers, allowing Moya to sustain up to three hits anywhere on her body, the staple attacks of many enemy Force Adepts.

Elements: The Force Blessings on the robe provide near immunity to acid and immense resistance to Flame.

Self Repair: The robes repair themselves slowly due to The Force Blessings imparted.

Mobile: Allows for full mobility due to the robes being incredibly light and practically designed, allowing maximum mobility without hindrance

Overheat mitigation: Prototype heatsinks located at the waistline allow Moya to withstand up to four overheat incidents.



WEAKNESSES

Sink limits: Sustained exposure to overheat causing effects after an initial overheat incident will gradually overload the heat sink system. This is due to the fact that they cannot sustain contual overheating--though it is technically capable of absorbing up to four overheat incidents, it needs a short window of bodily inactivity of up to a few minutes between each overheat incident for the system to properly adjust to the stresses placed upon it. Thus, when an overheat incident occurs, combat needs to be over by that point because being forced to fight during overheat gradually overloads all heat sinks, risking destruction of the system and damage to the user. And even if given time to properly absorb all overheat incidents, after all sinks get filled to capacity, it needs fifteen minutes to properly diffuse all of them before it can be used again. Also, if damaged, they won't repair with the rest of the blessed fabric, leading to them to need to be repaired seperately.

Standard damage: Its resistances to conventional damage are very low due to its alterations, as well as the fact these are basically loose training robes originally never meant for field deployment. They break down under severe amounts of attacks that managed to land, and are unable to withstand true frontline engagement as a result.

Cryo: Cryo causes the fabric to become stiff and inflexible, making it difficult to move for a short period.

Force Voids: Will not function in Force Voids

DESCRIPTION

Having an increased need to function in the field, Laertia traveled to a purified temple on Mimban where she passed her final trial to become a Jedi Knight and bathed them in the waters that filled the half sunken temple turned lake. Infused by the power of a light nexus, the robes properties were permanently altered by the Light Side. Adding a series of prototype heat sinks, Laertia gifted this to her caretaker, anticipating she will need the full repertoire of her lightsaber knowledge in the days ahead.

 

[Moya Virtu]

Ready for judging, Ravenfire

 

[Visanj T'shkali]

Under Review.

 

[Visanj T'shkali]

Moya Virtu

Hi! I am Vis, and I will be reviewing this submission today.

There are a lot of conceptual ideas here, and it's a need idea overall. However, there's just a few items that I think we can get polished up to make sure this sub is as good as this idea deserves. If you don't mind, I will take this a section or two at a time, as you're a relatively new writer and I'd like to help you polish this so you can see what to do in the future.

First:
PRODUCTION INFORMATION

• Manufacturer: Laertia Io
• Affiliation: Moya Virtu
• Model:
• Modularity: No
• Production: Unique
• Material: Armorweave

In this section, you did everything just fine, but there's a few nit-picky things I am going to ask for. First, please hyperlink the manufacturer's name to the character profile or company profile. Also, I am going to ask that you do the same for the affiliation section, i.e. your name. Please, for "Model", put the name of the submission, even if it's just to say "Moya's Warrior Garb". Basically, the title you used for this submission should go here. Everything else is fantastic.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

• Classification: Multipurpose
• Weight: Light
• Resistances:
  • Energy: Very Low
  • Kinetic: Very Low
  • Lightsabers: Average
  • Lightning: Extreme
  • Flame: High
  • Cryo: Very Low
  • Magic: Average
  • Force Push: Extreme
  • Ion: Low
  • Microwaves: Low
  • Acid: Average

After checking through your resistances, you're actually 3 POINTS under-powered. I am a firm believer of using every point available, so I'd encourage you to consider raising ratings by 3 points, any way you want to distribute them. When you have made these corrections, please tag me and we'll continue through the rest of the submission, or if you have any questions at all, please just ask them here and we can discuss them.

Thanks!

 

[Moya Virtu]

Added hyperlinks and upped acid rating to extreme, Visanj T'shkali

 

[Visanj T'shkali]

Moya Virtu thank you. Let's continue on then, shall we?

First, let's look at your "SPECIAL FEATURES", in this section think of it as your 'sales pitch' if you will. Imagine, for a moment, that your submission is a television commercial. In a commercial, you have 15-30 seconds to create as much interest and encourage as many sales for your product as you can. Therefore, you rely on short, exciting statements to tout the benefits of your product; to explain what it is, how it works, and what sets it apart from similar products. So, what you have here is the beginnings for that, as you discuss things like how the heat sinks can allow continued function even through overheating, the heightened resistance to acid, or the enhanced mobility these garments allow. You want short, simple sentences and I would urge you to consider rewriting this section with a focus on being concise, clear, and focused telling your readers - quickly, honestly, and in an exciting way - what your submission does and what makes it special.

• • SPECIAL FEATURES

Blessed by the Light to resist magical energies and Lightsabers, as well as making her nearly immune to Push Type Force Powers and Lightning, as well as other elements. Capable of repairing itself.

Prototype heat sinks enable Moya to keep functioning even during overheat incidents.

Excellent mobility

Increases Moya's resistance to Acid.


Great! Now that you've done that rework of your "Special Features" section, you can use that for the next section, or "STRENGTHS". Where before you talked about what your submission does, how it does it, and why that's special or important, in strengths you are closing your sales pitch. This is where you tell your readers EXACTLY how this product can help them, and with this being Chaos, more specifically, how it can help them in battle. This will help people to see how your submission works in an RP situation, how it functions and what advantages it gives you. So, in the first strength you talk about how - due to the ritual blessing of the waters - the robes have heightened resistances to a wide variety damage types. This is perfect and exactly right. However, you have a LOT of cool resistances here, so why not divide them up? There's not any rule preventing you from having a number of strengths, and by dividing them out and drafting each resistance as a complete statement, you can more effectively communicate just EXACTLY how these robes benefit users and work in RP. As for the enhanced mobility, I would suggest being a bit more descriptive and maybe trying something like "Due to the lightweight and practical design of the robes, full range and freedom of movement is possible, enabling users to wear them comfortably for long periods and to use them with any encumbrance to fighting, athletic actions, and without causing fatigue." Finally, you mention that really cool heat sink system, you might try something like "Innovative heat sink system allows sustainable operation, withstanding repeated overheating quickly and consistently."

Also, just a quick note on formatting: For each section, try to use bullet points if you can. It makes for a more professional look and helps to keep track of the number of strengths, weaknesses, and special features easily. Using the "Unordered List" option in the toolbar will do just that.

STRENGTHS

Blessed Protection: Bathed in the waters of a purified lake on Mimban, the robes have become highly resistant to Force Push type attacks, Lightning, Lightsabers, Acid and Flame, and make Moya such as well, and the robes are capable of repairing themselves slowly as a result.

Mobile: Allows for full mobility

Overheat mitigation: Prototype heatsinks located at the waistline allow Moya to withstand up to four overheat incidents.


Okay, now we move into "WEAKNESSES". You talk about limitations with the heat sinks. However, your language here is kind of confusing, as you say that after four overheating scenarios, there's a cool-down period of roughly fifteen minutes. Does this mean that after that it is good for another four go-'rounds or just a total of four? I might suggest you try rephrasing it with something like, "Despite incredible resistance to overheating and thermal diffusion, these robes are not impervious to cumulative effects of thermal energy. Sustained exposure will overload the heat sink system, requiring time to cool down and reset itself before it can be exposed to heat once more. Failure to allow for this risks damage to the robes and anyone wearing them." For the second, you might try "Despite providing good protective qualities to the wearer, prolonged and powerful attacks will take their toll, making these robes unsuitable for front-line, thick-of-the-fight type engagements." The weakness about cryo is great! Finally, by voids do you mean the vacuum of space? If so, that should really be reflected in the resistances section as "Other, Pressure" and I might suggest 'very low' or 'none' if indeed that is what you're meaning, making clear these robes are not an EVA suit or power armor surrogate. Also, that can raise your other ratings in the balancing, as a lower rating in one area allows for a higher rating by the same factor in another.

WEAKNESSES

Sink limits: After the four sink charges are used up, it requires fifteen minutes of thermal diffusion before they can be used again. Also, if damaged, they won't repair with the rest of the blessed fabric, leading to them to need to be repaired seperately.

Standard damage: Its resistances to conventional damage are very low due to its alterations

Cryo: Cryo causes the fabric to become stiff and inflexible, making it difficult to move for a short period.

Voids: Will not function in voids

Great! Thanks for coming with me this far. You have a really cool submission, and by polishing it here, we can give you some galaxy-class robes for the future I believe. Your concepts are good overall, and you just need to tweak the language (and formatting) just a bit to really get the mileage out of those concepts that you're going for. Please, tag me like before with any questions you have and once you have made these edits, and then we can look at your discussion and get this puppy approved! Thanks again!

 

[Moya Virtu]

I have edited and elaborated on special features, strengths and weaknesses to the best of my ability, Visanj T'shkali

 

[Visanj T'shkali]

Moya Virtu Before I go forward, I would personally like to thank you for being so cooperative and responsive through this review. I truly appreciate it and you're a pleasure to work with. Thank you.

Now, going forward, it is also my pleasure to APPROVE this submission. Enjoy!