There was liberation to be found in damning the consequences. Arris knew that this wasn't what either of them were really after; there was no longer the illusion - she couldn't pull up the ghost of a dead woman to
at least excuse what she was doing. But did it matter? Lily had forgiven genocide, embraced Arris at her worst parts, and said it herself: Arris was a monster.
She fell into the pleasure as Lily experienced it. At first, it was like trying to squeeze into a pinhole. Because Arris had been so far removed from organic sensations, that even her memory of them was a fabrication. But then it clicked, activated pathways in her brain. She popped right through the other side; pinhole to kaleidoscope, a rush of exciting possibilities, a balm to years of emptiness and the pursuit of
numbness that became a stand-in for ecstasy.
Arris thought she knew euphoria.
Lily knew euphoria.
Arris felt the shiver down her back, she laughed joyously beneath her breath.
She wanted more.
The cyborg's hand ran under Lily's thigh, pulling her closer, tighter. Contrary to the coolness of her synthflesh, Windrun's metal ran hot. She was always overtuned, an engine running at full RPM, even when idle.
She mulled over the thought of what Lily felt. How sensitive her tissue, how active her nerves, and she tried to synthesis an approximation in her own consciousness, to recreate the experience at the surface of her form. Never before had she consider using the Force that way, but of course, it worked. It was alive, it made
her alive, no matter how much wire and titanium.
It was as if...
No.
There was no comparison that could accurately describe the galaxy- shattering epiphany.
And oh...
That made it worse.
To associate the most beautiful moment of her cybernetic life with the the gut twisting act she was now embarking.
That whimper was a hook tugging at the inside of her cheek, drawing Arris forward to press her lips further. Her hand squeezed against Lily's leg, and she laughed again, humming it into their kiss.
Of course, it wasn't all going to be perfect was it?
Clarity found its way through the pinhole with her. It meant to be her savior, but Arris met it as her enemy.
This is wrong. This stupid. I'm pathetic... I don't deserve this. Lily trusts me. I need this. This is wrong. Nothing matters. Nothing matters.
Why would it? She had the blood of the Core, of Tapani, the Devastation of Abregado-rae, the slaughter of Jedi, and the burning of Enclaves to contend with. Lily was one of them now. She joined the party - who were they to deny themselves what ordinary people had? They were Sith. Sith deserved it all.
The rationalization was struck repeatedly, an ice pick to the skull, burying the lie deeper than the trauma could follow. Faces flashed by in her mind's eye: Kirie, Nilira, Rox.. Vess. She found herself in a room with imperceptible boundaries, and the four of them standing in a half circle around her.
She saw their expressions. Kirie's was smug. Seeing Arris that way vindicated her every instinct about that woman, swollen with pride that once upon a time she'd say
'I told you so,' but Arris remembered how she was the last time they spoke. Nilira, contrarily, looked at Arris with the same consideration she'd give a lamp. It was all pointless in the grand scheme - Arris was pathetic, foolish to even linger. The guilt served no one. It only held her back. Perhaps she felt a twisted part of the acolyte, deep inside, feeding off of the cyborg's conflict. She wouldn't get to Vess. Rox ran a lightsaber through her heart. She was impossibly sad, but no longer looked at Arris as the woman she loved... No that Arris died a long time ago. What she killed was just the shell of the
thing inhabiting what was left of her. Murder was mercy.
Was the rest of what was happening real? Had Arris dragged Lily inside? Had she cleared a table? Were there weapons scattered all across the ground?
Her eyes shot open. Or maybe they always were, but she finally chose to look through them again.
Arris looked down at Lily, smiling, but the drugs quickly began to fade.
