Private Ultimatums

[Noelle Varanin]

Noelle stepped into her mother's study, a gentle knock the only thing to announce her presence. She had yet to see the woman after events. There had of course been Spencer to attend to and... Noelle had made herself sparse. Perhaps she had just needed time. She had assumed Ashin would be just as unreachable. Things never changed, and now that her mother had gotten what she was after... well.. It was as Ashin said--there was no saying how long she'd be staying.

Noelle let herself in, the door clicking behind her. Her dress rustled softly, the borrowed long sword scrapping against it as she pulled it out from the folds of her skirt. She offered it up for the woman to take, something different about the way she held herself. Her eyes lack their usual roundness as she looked her mother over. They were colder, actually. Anger had found its way into Noelle's bones. Ashin had warned her about the cost.


She did not speak until the sword was taken, her hands tucking neatly at her front.

"I saw our cousin the other week. Shira. She laughed at me. For my perception of you. At first it bothered me-- One would think I would know my own mother better than some history books, right?

I was wrong," she concluded softly.
Ashin Cardé Varanin

 

[Ashin Cardé Varanin]

Noelle Varanin

Ashin accepted Jentaral lovingly and hung the sword - straight, two-edged, glossy black, thirty-six inches - on its wall-hooks.

"I don't know Shira Varanin," she said, refocusing on her daughter. "She is or was a Jedi, yes? I know what a Jedi would say about my history. What you're experiencing is called cognitive dissonance. To you I'm a parent - a distant one who's consistently failed to meet your emotional needs. But yes, Spencer and I are responsible for the conquest of ten or twenty thousand worlds before you were born. We insulated her from all that, of course, to make ruling Eshan easier. When the books speak of me, though, they're broadly correct. I am more or less what they call me.

"Do you have any questions about what I've done?"

 

[Noelle Varanin]

"No."

She didn't care in this moment what horrors her parents had once rained down upon the universe. There was nothing tangible about it, therefor it had no weight in her thoughts. What bothered her was something much more personal. Too personal, perhaps. She could already hear the conversation in her head.

Do you even love me.

I am who I am, Noelle.

She swallowed hard, lifting her chin at Ashin. "I'm done making excuses for you. I find blame to be so pointless. I told myself all sorts of things to make it right. To make you right. ... ... There is nothing right about this family.

"If you can even call it that."

 

[Ashin Cardé Varanin]

"You're the daughter of an empress and a queen," Ashin said, voice dry and merciless. "At least one of whom has been dead at any given point in the last half decade, and yet here you are. What you're mourning isn't the lack of, oh, hot chocolate and holofilms together. It's your own unrecognized inability to define yourself for yourself. That's something you'll need to grapple with if you want to become a queen in your own right. Or whatever ambition you choose, I suppose. I'd be reasonably content if you and Quinn set out to be the galaxy's greatest dishwashers as long as you set out somewhere for something. I have many regrets about the parent I've been, Noelle, but failing to instill a drive for self-motivation and self-determination is certainly one of them. You want something from me or life or the galaxy? Take it."

 

[Noelle Varanin]

Noelle's nostrils flared. She stepped forward, that simmering anger turning sharp.

"It really is amazing how you do that. You take the pain that you caused and you make it my weakness for feeling it. If I was just a little more self-aware, a little much accomplished, then watching my mother leave me to my death wouldn't bite as much. Is that it?"

Her fingers twitched, itching to initiate a scrap. Ashin was not echani, but Noelle was. When emotions boiled high, it was their language to initiate combat. She withheld, a small part of her aware of how reactive she was being.

"Fine. If that's how you want this," she clipped, her voice like ice as she bent to the situration. She was done trying to make a blanket out of steel. She stepped forward, equal height with the woman she had once looked up to.

"I gave you back the throne. Now you will help me protect it. All of it. I am accepting the Compact's offer. I will be their new Queen, and you will ensure that nothing goes wrong. Not because you are my mother, but because you owe me.

"And I will see to it I get what I am due."

 

[Ashin Cardé Varanin]

"There. Right there. That's what I've been waiting for." Ashin stabbed the air with her finger. "For one of my daughters to stand up and take what she deserves. Ibaris was a disappointment; Quinn hasn't crossed the threshold from wanting things to actual initiative and goal-setting and self-motivation. Before today, neither had you. Noelle, I don't know if I've ever said this before in so many words - but I'm proud of you. And yes, if being Queen of Eshan is your calling, you have my full support the same way I supported Spencer while she held the throne. Welcome to the family."

 

[Noelle Varanin]

Noelle blinked hard, Ashin's response disarming her. Somehow, she hadn't equated mouthing off to her mother to be something Ashin would be proud of. Then again, her mother had never been the predictable sort-- certainly not one to uphold Eshan's etiquette practices. Something in her clicked then-- a piece of understanding gained for the woman that Noelle would rather not have.

She wasn't done being frustrated with her, and yet... her stomach fluttered at the words. What a cruel manipulation of the moment, came the harsh thought.

"Good."

She turned to leave, a thousand words lingering on the tip of her tongue. Her eyes caught on Jentaral hanging from its place on the wall. She stopped short... then pivoted back, her torso rigid.

"I'm tired of using borrowed gear. Find me a weapon. Train me on it. ... If I'm to go anywhere with my training, I need a proper teacher again." She was done waisting her year mourning in this mansion. Spencer was back. It was time to rejoin the living.

For both of them.

 

[Ashin Cardé Varanin]

Noelle Varanin

"Careful, dear," said Ashin fondly. "There's a breadth of difference between assertiveness and entitlement. Find your own weapon, or make one. The alchemists on the Pomojema, the Aksifas who made your Ring - they'll forge you anything you need. Or go broader. A queen determines her own weapons. And when you've chosen, you'll get the finest training."

 

[Noelle Varanin]

A hint of heat hit her cheeks.

"Yes, Mother," she accepted, after a moment of contention. She turned sharply, her hair whipping through the air as she left for the hall. She closed the door behind her and leaned against it, the corner of her lips quirking upwards. She took in a deep breath and pushed off, her heels clicking against the tile towards her new study.

She had things to arrange.