Private Two Pounds Shy of a Bomb

[Resh]

Vonnuvi Enclave
Inanna Harth​

Resh sat in an empty chamber, sunken and defeated. He lost control at Lazerian IV. All the work he had done to try and make himself trustworthy. To build up a reputation that would prove he was allowed to be here. He believed it was all thrown away in one moment. He dreaded what might happen, and he dreaded himself. Would he be banished? Imprisoned? He had no idea what to expect. He only knew that he had failed.

Would he become the villain he was prophesied to be after all? Was his fate inescapable? Perhaps it would be best if he were locked away somewhere.

For now, he knew not what to do. Other than wait for his master's arrival, and no doubt his impending judgement.

 

[Inanna Harth]

"He blew up?" Inanna asked incredulously, hurrying her pace just a little.

"I dunno how else to describe it," answered the Padawan, her speech warped around the wad of gum in her mouth. The purple-haired giant of a girl had been following Inanna around from the moment she left Gillom's office, having just been debriefed about what happened on Lazerian IV. "It vaporized all the enemy soldiers. I had already destroyed their tank, but the infantrymen were still shooting. One of the bolts hit him and then he exploded."

"How?" Was she going to find her apprentice in chunks? "How is he still alive if he exploded?"

"He exploded with the Force," the Padawan clarified. "He blasted energy all over the place."

"Oh." Inanna probably should've figured that out on her own. As she reached the door to the medbay, the Padawan started to follow her inside. "What are you doing?"

"I wanna see him. He's my friend."

First I've heard of you, Inanna thought. Still, it was good that he was making friends. "Well, that's very nice. But Resh may not even be conscious." He had passed out after he exploded and was brought to the Vonnuvi's medbay for treatment. "Besides, don't you have classes to attend?"

It was a guess that paid off. Eloise glanced at her chrono and swore under her breath. "Tell him I'll come back later," she said, her footsteps hurrying down the hall.

Inanna entered the medbay, finding it almost empty. Resh was sitting in a chair with his head down. "Hello Padawan," she greeted him gently. "How are you feeling?"

Resh​

 

[Resh]

Resh didn't even lift up his head to speak to Inanna directly. His head hung downward, his eyes raised barely enough to cast a sideways glance her direction.

"Are they going to throw me out?" He asked.

Inanna Harth​

 

[Inanna Harth]

Inanna studied the top of Resh's bowed head, trying not to pity him as he refused to look at her. She had long suspected that he was burying something inside him, be it hidden feelings of inadequacy or guilt or some other complicated emotions. Whatever it was, it was obviously related to his origins, his supposed destiny. But they had yet to broach the subject. Admittedly she had been putting it off in hopes that a "better" time to discuss it would eventually arrive. But that time hadn't come, and it was clear that Resh was hurting in the here and now.

"No, not yet," she replied, sinking softly into the seat next to him. "And I'm pretty sure they would've told me if they were going to throw you out of here." Her arm started to lift, about to instinctively wrap around his hunched shoulders, only to lower again. Despite what Rani had suspected at their first meeting, they weren't mother and son. They were master and apprentice. So she pushed down the maternal urge to comfort him as she would one of her children, and instead spoke to him as his master. With comforting authority.

"Tell me what happened, Resh. I want to help you, but I need to understand what's going on first."

Resh​

 

[Resh]

‘Not yet’ wasn't exactly the most reassuring answer Resh could have gotten, and his eyes widened on hearing it, betraying a hint of fear. Inanna tried to dismiss the idea, but even that seemed somewhat noncommittal. Resh couldn’t blame her, he supposed. Maybe it would be better for everyone if he were taken away.

“Eloise and I were fighting some guys on Lazerian. She was trying to lift up a tank, so it was my job to keep her from being shot at. I got really… overwhelmed. Then I got hit.” He raised his arm, letting the sleeve fall down and reveal where the burn mark from the blaster was still visible on his skin, “It hurt. So I was angry. And they were trying to kill Eloise, so I was more angry. And then I just…” He trailed off, unsure of what to say. Instead he just mimed an explosive radius with his hands, “They told me I passed out after that.”

Inanna Harth​

 

[Inanna Harth]

It was times like this when Inanna just wanted to hug Resh and reassure him that everything would be all right. She had always held back, not wanting to overstep boundaries or coddle him the way she had seen some other Masters do with their Padawans. Hell, there were some who actually adopted their apprentices. It was all the rage over on Coruscant. Inanna was perhaps even more qualified to do such a thing with her Padawan, a clone child who had no mother or father, yet she was very reluctant to cross that bridge. Perhaps because of what had happened with her last apprentice, or because she found some flaw in the motivations of other masters who made their Padawans into their literal children, and feared falling into the same trap.

She listened as Resh explained what had happened, wincing in sympathy when he showed his burn scar. His story lined up with what the purple-haired girl, Eloise, had told her. But there was one thing yet to be revealed. "When you were angry, did you want to kill the soldiers?" Inanna asked. "You've told me what you felt, but what was your intent? Was it an accident, on purpose...?"

Not for the first time since learning about what happened, she found herself asking: did it even really matter? They were in a warzone. The enemy was coming to kill them. On a battlefield, the only way to truly neutralize the threat and escape the danger is to kill it. War, as they say, is murder. But for the sake of checking a Council-approved box, she felt obligated to determine whether his explosion was done out of animal rage or righteous fury.

She felt a sudden surge of anger toward whoever had signed off on sending Resh to Lazerian IV - which, in an indirect way, meant that she was mad at herself. It hadn't been her decision, but she hadn't objected to it the way she now realized she should have. She allowed them to convince her that it would be all right, that her apprentice was just going to mind a checkpoint. That he would never see combat.

Clearly, that hadn't been the case.

Resh​

 

[Resh]

"Kill them?" Resh hung on the thought, weighing his answer carefully, like he had never considered the intent before. But he still came up short of anything definitive, "I… I don't know. I wanted to keep my friend safe. I wanted them to stop. But…" Did he want to kill them? Perhaps not in so clear terms. But if that was the only way to take sure they did, then perhaps instinctively, it was the decision that was made. By him, or by the power that coursed through him.

Inanna Harth​

 

[Inanna Harth]

"Kill them? I… I don't know. I wanted to keep my friend safe. I wanted them to stop. But…"

She waited for him to elaborate, but it seemed he wasn't sure. "What exactly made you think the Jedi were going to thrown you out of the Order, Resh?" she asked, thinking back to the first words he had said to her when she entered the room. "Was it because you killed those soldiers with the Force? Even though it was in self-defense?"

Resh​

 

[Resh]

"Well…" Resh paused again, as if afraid to say aloud what came next, "It was dark, wasn't it? I lost control. My emotions— turned to violence."

"And I am a pureblood. Why would they trust me not to do it again?"

Inanna Harth​

 

[Inanna Harth]

"Well… It was dark, wasn't it? I lost control. My emotions—turned to violence."

Inanna's fingers flexed in her lap. She wanted to explain to him that it was more complex than that, but she didn't know how. Part of her wasn't totally certain she was in the right. The Jedi taught that simplicity was best. Good was good, evil was evil. Anyone who called a good thing evil or an evil thing good was wrong.

But surely she wasn't supposed to condemn the actions of this boy who had only wanted to save himself and his friend. Was using the Force to kill someone really any different from using a lightsaber? Only because he had done it out of anger? Who wouldn't be angry in that situation?

"And I am a pureblood. Why would they trust me not to do it again?"

"Aw, Resh..." She couldn't take it anymore. Against her better judgment, she reached an arm around his shoulders to pull the poor kid into an embrace. "You're not doomed just because you're a Pureblood. You get to make your own decisions. I know that and the Council knows that, even if you don't."

Resh​

 

[Resh]

Resh had never been properly hugged in his life. He wasn't sure what to make of it at first. When she pulled him close, his arms remained stiffly at his side. But the swell of warmth in his heart it brought upon him finally got the young padawan to crack. "Okay…" He said meekly, reaching up his arms to hug her back as his eyes grew wet. Was this what it felt like to be cared for? Cared for beyond one's usefulness? Inanna might not have been his mother, but she was perhaps the closest thing he would ever have to one.

"So… now what? They aren't going to kick me out?" He asked, thinking back to her mention of the Council.

Inanna Harth​

 

[Inanna Harth]

Resh was stiff at first, but didn’t pull away. Eventually he seemed to thaw, melting into her embrace. Inanna could feel his tears against her shirt and hear the tremble in his voice. Inevitably she got a bit misty-eyed too, holding the poor kid and rubbing his back.

"So… now what? They aren't going to kick me out?"

He was repeating his question from earlier, perhaps seeking a more concrete answer. Clearly it weighed heavily on his mind, this fear of being rejected by the Jedi. “No, they aren’t going to kick you out,” she assured him this time. “They may want to talk to you about it, but that’s all.”

They might be critical of Inanna as his teacher or get on her case for failing to prevent something like this from happening, but she wasn’t about to tell him that. He didn’t need to know.

“You’re too hard on yourself, baby,” she muttered, stroking his hair soothingly. “I used to be like you when I was younger. My father was a Jedi; I was his only Force Sensitive child. He held me to a high standard, expecting me to follow in his footsteps. I wanted to please him as much as I resented him for it. But the first time I tried to be a Jedi, I failed. I was so ashamed of myself. I couldn’t bear to go home and face him.

"So I ran away. Got mixed up with some bad people and ended up doing some pretty stupid, terrible things. It was only when I hit rock bottom that I realized how much my problems were caused by that shame. All my life I had based my worth on how other people perceived me. I had to learn how to set my own standards first.”

Resh​

 

[Resh]

Resh seemed to relax, if only a little, after getting a more definitive answer from Inanna. He was already thinking of how he would do better next time. What sort of rigid restrictions he might place upon himself as a form of penance to avoid any future ire. But Inanna tried to instill in him a lesson of personal standards. To not be so caught up on the perceptions of others. "…I know," Resh said, "But it's not just perception either. I have to be better," At the end of the day, the almost-symbiotic propensity his species had for the Dark Side wasn't just stereotype. His urge to separate from it was the exception to the rule. And he still had to push against those baser instincts that were instilled in him by his creators, even if he was better at doing so than most other purebloods would be.

"Can you help me?"

Inanna Harth ​

 

[Inanna Harth]

"…I know," Resh said, "But it's not just perception either. I have to be better."

Sometimes she wondered if she wasn't the best person for the job. That Resh needed someone who could relate to his struggle in ways she couldn't. But as far as she knew, such a miracle Master didn't exist - or if they did, they weren't available to train the boy when he needed it most.

She'd just have to do. She would certainly do the best she could.

"Can you help me?"

"Yes." She gave him a little squeeze. "Of course I'll help. I care about you, Resh."

She almost said I love you, but it was likely Resh barely knew what the phrase meant. It would be trite and possibly even inappropriate to say it to her apprentice, anyway. So instead she showed him, opening up a channel in the Force between them and letting him feel it.

"Do you believe me now?" she asked.

Resh​

 

[Resh]

Resh felt a rare sense of comfort in her words. No beating around the bush, just a first 'yes, I care'. As she opened a connection between them, he felt it all the clearer. He leaned away some, as if to see whether or not the feeling would stay when they separate. It did, and he lingered on it for several seconds before answering, "Yes. Thank you, master."

"So— what's next?" He asked, cautious hopefulness suddenly twinging his words.

Inanna Harth​

 

[Inanna Harth]

"So—what's next?"

Oh shit. He expected a concrete answer as to how she would help him, not just vague promises. She took a deep breath, exhaling softly. "Well, I don't think you should go out on the battlefield again anytime soon. You weren't ready yet, and it's my fault for not seeing that earlier.

"We will continue your training. It's going to take a while, probably about a year or two, but by the end you'll be ready for the Trials. There are five of them: Skill, Courage, Spirit, Flesh, and Insight. If you pass them all, you will be promoted to Jedi Knight..."

Resh​