Torpedo Sphere

[Placeholder 09]

Torpedo Sphere knew his target was near.

He had seen [member="Rusty"] in his dreams. His past few nights had been sleepless; having awakened covering in a thin coat of hydraulic oil. He was in search of his beloved, smelling him from across the galaxy with his powerful spherical nose. He knew there was no way he could catch his love on any planet, there was only one solution. Most people would have to procure a gravity well for this sort of thing. Fortunately, Torpedo Sphere had hips that did not lie and a booty the size of the sun. With the aid of the force, of which he was the sole true master, he could call upon Rusty and his concubines by directing the gravitational pseudo-power, and pull him from the safety of hyperspace.

Torpedo Sphere awaited three galaxies over, his two Super Star Destroyers serving as the dinner table. He knew the moment Rusty seteyes upon him, the fellow Shard would feel the love. He prepared a contingent of thirty six Torpedos lacking their warheads and set them along phallic courtyards of the Star Destroyers. These torpedos were set alight, and wired to the engines of the super star destroyers, allowing the massive ships to propel through space, and provide a refreshing view of many different unknown planets as they passed by. It only served to add to the ambiance that Torpedo Sphere annihilated each of these planets as they passed by.

Drawing in deep, pseudo-breath, for Torpedo Sphere lacked lungs, Torpedo Sphere fastened his massive black corset over his spherical curves. Via the powers of the force, he played music through the nethers of space, allowing sound to be heard in the void. This also allowed the sounds of millions of dying innocents being utterly destroyed from Torpedo Sphere's torpedos, further adding to the romantic setting.

Atop the super star destroyers, lay two massive piles human corpses, carved and singed just to the liking of any good Sith Lord/giant super powered battle station. Some of the humans were still alive, serving as appetizers. Here he waited, beautiful and ready for his love to arrive.

And oh, how much loving they would do this evening.

Alongside Torpedo Sphere, hung an innate Torpedo Sphere of lesser. This would serve as his darling's future body, with which he would Torpedo the hell up.

 

[Rusty]

The Wicked Grace lurched out of hyperspace violently.

How they got here, he didn't know. They had been on a simple cargo run to Aldreraan. This...was not Alderaan.

Rusty didn't know what the [bleep] this was.

"Uh, Mal? What the [bleep] is this?"

He wasn't sure what exactly he was looking at, but he felt the first stirrings of something he had never felt before. It was a weird fluttering in the base of his crystal.

[member="Torpedo Sphere"] [member="Malia Afredane"]

 

[Isar du Vain]

An Ewok in a space suit floated by.

 

[Malia Afredane]

Mal gripped the controls as Gracie was ripped from the hyperspace lane. She slammed against the navcomputer, cursing loudly as pain exploded in her shoulder. Alarms and klaxons were sounding as she checked the sensors and looked out at the thing that had yanked them out of the hyperspace lane.

"Fething hell, Rusty, what the kark? Is that a dinner table?"

[member="Warok the Defiler"] [member="Rusty"] [member="Torpedo Sphere"]

 

[Isar du Vain]

Warok bumped into the side of the Gracie as it came out of hyperspace.

Good. It is proceeding as I have foreseen it.

He began to crawl toward the airlock.

 

[IT-8442]

IT-8442 walked down Torpedo Sphere's corridors, warm mug of coffee held in one hand being sipped through a straw while still wearing his helmet. In his other hand, he held an Electro-Proton Bomb in a duraplast briefcase.

It was good coffee. Drinking it through a straw was an interesting experience.

 

[Placeholder 09]

Yes! There he was! Torpedo Sphere could smell the little Ewok floating through the demon sphere. Perfect!

A singular phallic torpedo stretched out toward the Graci,e and latched onto the aft end with the sticky industrial space glue.

"Baby," roared the sphere through the vast emptiness of space, "You have come, and you have brought your furry companion."

Of course, his warped words could be heard via the force, because he was, after all, the one true Dark Lord of the Sith. It was he who had led the One Sith for the past ten-ish years, or was that the other guy? No matter! Torpedo Sphere rumbled excitedly, his corridors shaking violently within. The many stormtroopers within would suddenly smell a thick musky scent from the walls.

Torpedo Sphere felt one man in particular.

[member="IT-8442"] had a small phallic droid covered in a thick rubber film roll up to him in the halls. "SOLDIER, THE TORPEDO SPHERE HAS NEED OF YOU. YOU ARE TO BE HIS WINGMAN IN THIS ENDEAVOR. THERE IS A FURRY WOMAN BOARD THE LOVER'S SHIP. SEDUCE HER!"

The droids waved its pointy end toward the hangers, urging the man to follow.

Meanwhile, two artificial big, blue, eyes blinked at the Gracie. Its dual hanger bays parted to reveal twin toothy mouths, filled with the mangled corpses of hundreds of Galactic Alliance ships. Their pilots had not been removed. It added to the ambiance.

"Lover, I have come for you." The Torpedo Sphere rumbled, "i have sought you across the stars, my beautiful beau, when I see you, my crystal end quivers. I am filled with starling joy and an overwhelming sense of fire within my soul."

The Torpedo Sphere waved his torpedos at the torpedo torpedoing the Gracie. "As you can see, I've already made contact." The lower hanger/mouths of the torpedo sphere wiggled.

"And...I sense another presence."

Torpedo Sphere's eyes shifted to a small furry metal thing. His metal lips would have parted have parted but he did not have lips. "Hello, furry beast, I could smell you across the stars. You've spent time in some very dirty places, haven't you?" The Torpedo Sphere grumbled. "I have created a dinner for myself, and my soon-to-be husband. Do not interfere, for I am the one true Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Lasertorpedo. If you so wish to remain, I may train you, as I feel the power quivering within your skin."

 

[Rusty]

Rusty was, unfortunately, as Force blind as, well, a rock. He could not hear the words of his suitor.

All he knew was that the Wicked Grace had been captured by something...foul. Unspeakably foul.

"What's the plan, Captain? I'm not entirely sure we can shoot our way out of this one."

He had Gertrude and Olga with him, the dirty girls ready to what they did best, but they seemed inadequate. They were loyal, and kind, and could spit hot death at several kilometers a second, but they were not torpedo spheres.

[member="Torpedo Sphere"] [member="Malia Afredane"]

 

[Isar du Vain]

The shaman paused, looking over one shoulder at the looming presence in the deep void.

"Greetings, Great Orb, I seek no quarrel with you this day."

He reached out one paw and twisted the air lock's outer emergency release. Popping open the impromptu entrance to the cargo bay's hold. The Ewok floated inside.

His Sith Lord powers could sense several beings inside, including the quarry who he stalked. The ship shuddered beneath his feet as something made impact. The durasteel bulkhead quivered at the sweet, sweet ministrations of what could only be the torpedo sphere's loving touch.

"I'm coming. Mal."

 

[IT-8442]

[member="Torpedo Sphere"]

IT-8442 stared at the small droid for a moment, still sipping at his coffee. Slurpy noises gurgled forth from his mug as the last of the warm, frothy liquid was drawn into the Stormtrooper. "Ok droid." 8442 said to the small construct. "First I gadda use the little trooper's room. Coffee always makes me drop a violent sarlacc," He added as he turned and approached the nearest restroom.

Removing his skin-tight, armor clad pants was not easy. But after a few moments of struggling to free himself from his own armored confines, 8442 was able to squat down and place bare cheeks upon porcelain throne.

A newspaper was procured from nowhere in particular and 8442 began to read up on the latest Imperial Torpedo Sphere news. Grunts and clenching was heard from three corridors away.

 

[Malia Afredane]

Mal caught the lights on the board indicating that the cargo hold had been breached and she knew that it wasn't going to survive long if the bulkhead was pierced. She scrambled out of her chair and grabbed a mask and a couple verpine pistols from Rusty's personal stash. Whoever these intruders were, they were in for a nasty surprise.

"Rusty, introduce Gertrude to that walking drain clog."

[member="Warok the Defiler"] [member="Rusty"] [member="Torpedo Sphere"]

 

[Placeholder 09]

Torpedo Sphere felt something moving within his bowels. Something odd and...smelly. Whatever it was, it made him gaga, except he did not have organic body parts. Instead he let loose a string of torpedos toward one of the nearby planets. The inhabitants were peaceful enough: no weapons, many different cultural identities, a unified planetary nation. They were just discovering space travel.


The planet lit up in brilliant white light. Two billion lives snuffed out in the blink of an eye. Acceptable.

"Do not defecate inside of me, white man." Torpedo Sphere rumbled with anger, his phallic droid poking at the Stormtrooper's leg as he poodooed. Its rubber bits smacking angrily against his legplate. "CEASE YOUR DEFFECATION WARRIOR. GO SEDUCE THE FEMALE." The droid continued loudly slapping the Stormtrooper in the face with the rubber baton.

Meanwhile, Torpedo Sphere focused his attentions on Rusty. Clearly, Rustburgers was not attuned to the ferce. Therefore, Torpedo Sphere must learn to communicate by other means.

The torpedo he had inserted in the ship's aft end began violently penetrating the metallic flesh of the ship, thrusting Gracie into the mouth of Torpedo Sphere's hangers. Once within, Torpedo Sphere began to play this loudly over the intercomm. His comely voice also wafted out of the loudspeakers, accompanied by the thick musky scent of his smooth interior.

"Rusty, I dreampt of you. I need you. Forsake your fleshy concubine. I am one of your own. I can provide you with the love you need. Does your crystal not quiver when in my presence, as mine does yours? For mine shakes like the very quakes that occurred when Corellia was torn apart and I was born."

 

[Rusty]

Rusty heard the voice over the loudspeaker, but he did not speak Torpedo Sphere.

Alas.

Instead, he heard the music, and assumed it was an attempt at communication, and it was hostile.

As the Shard gathered up Gertrude and swung the battle box on his back, he prepared a return volley of aural warfare for use against the strange ship.

https://youtu.be/WIKqgE4BwAY

Meanwhile, he headed aft to deal with the furry pirate.

"C'MERE YOU FAT FURRY [bleep]!"

[member="Torpedo Sphere"] [member="Malia Afredane"] [member="Warok the Defiler"]

 

[IT-8442]

[member="Torpedo Sphere"]


8442 sat up strait, startled and shocked by the loud voice coming forth from the porcelain throne beneath his buttox. A sudden and violent gurgling noise, accompanied by much splashing, burst forth from the Stormtrooper's forbidden regions. <The toilet's possessed!> IT-8442 thought to himself in shock, trying to avoid the sudden shock of pain that came from his overburdened bomb bay.

8442 looked down at the small mouse droid that waved a small, rubberized handle at him, gently prodding his shins and face with the device. Not wanting to ruin the collectors edition newspaper, 8442 picked up the mouse droid and used the cold, metal construct to wipe clean his exposed flesh.

Midway through his thirteenth wipe, a loud and sudden beeping came from somewhere other than the droid he held beneath him. Turning his attention to the briefcase at his feet, 8442 uttered only two final words.

"Oh kark."

And then the Electro-Proton Bomb exploded and 8442 died.

In time though... IT-8442's ghost would request a name change to IT-8443 as a new body was produced.

 

[Isar du Vain]

The bay repressurized as the airlock sealed behind him. Three feet of Endorian fury strode through the bay doors and into the ship's corridor beyond. Eyes black as tar pits narrowed as a being lumbered into the cargo bay.

Warok waddled forward, one paw raised, teensy fingers curling.

So this is it. The end.

He took several steps more, then reached down to his pouch and withdrew a floral item. The Sith Lord then slipped the daisy chain over the barrel of the being's enormous rifle.

"Make love," he whispered, "Not war."

[member="Rusty"]

 

[Stormtooper Steven]

[member="Torpedo Sphere"]
Steven was having a bad day. A very very bad day. Bad enough the ship was sentient, now it was having violent sexual encounter and going Force magic on the toilets. Steven was in the stall next to [member="IT-8442"] who had just exploded and thrown from the bathroom through a wall into the open corridor. Pants still down, contents of the toilet thrown about and with a continuous ringing in his ears Steven patted himself down and as a crowd had gathered to watch the pants down stromtrooper stand up and pull up his black trousers.


He paused. Meet every eye of those in the crowd and slowly raised his index finger and in a badly delivered joke nervously muttered.

"DO NOT...GO IN THERE." he laughed as he shivered in aftershock, "PHEW. Right? Right?...That guy knows what I'm saying."

 

[Malia Afredane]

Mal refused to lower her weapons, keeping a bead on the furry little thing, determination in her eyes.

About that time, a light brown and black striped Ewok waddled out of the common area, unsteady on his feet. Who was that ravishing bit of fluff over there with the flowers. Drunken Ewok had eaten a handful of spice and he was just about at the point where every part of him was tingling and alive as if he could touch heaven and give it to anyone else he desired. Of course that was after he drank a fifth of cake batter flavored vodka.

The shaking of the torpedos on the ship was making him dizzy and as he shuffled across the floor, because it felt amazing on the pads of his feet, he stopped before the flower bearing kin, and suddenly lurked forward, expelling his stomach contents on the decking. Wiping the spittle from his mouth he eyed the fellow Ewok.

"Heey. Hedy. You got great....buds. You come here often?"

[member="Warok the Defiler"] [member="Rusty"] [member="Torpedo Sphere"]

 

[Kalyn Tal'verda]

Kalyn had just dropped out of hyperspace due to some kind of interdiction field, and she already had no idea what was going on, a giant sphere thing, a ship being pulled into it, and an ewok beside said ship. Kalyn had no idea what was going on.
"R7, do you have any idea what is going on here?" She asked
The droid replied with a no, and expressed his confusion. Kalyn decided that she would request docking with the sphere, as her hyperdrive coincidentally was overheated, so she would need to let it cool off before she could use it again. She made a docking request, which got approved, so she made her way towards the docking bay, and getting a closer look at the disabled ship, and saw it had a torpedo jammed into its aft section. What the kark was going on here. This was by far the silliest situation she had ever been in. Kalyn then landed in the indicated bay, and walked down the Carbon Dusk's boarding ramp, hopefully she could figure out what was happening here.
[member="Malia Afredane"]
[member="Stormtooper Steven"]
[member="Warok the Defiler"]
[member="IT-8442"]
[member="Rusty"]
[member="Torpedo Sphere"]