Things That Go Bump

[Gorba the Hutt]

[member="Trechtus"]

I'd found myself stranded on a random urban planet whose name I hadn't bothered to ascertain. The spaceport security had impounded my freighter, something about not paying my transponder fees. Ridiculous!

In any case, I spent the time waiting for my appeal to be processed by looking for food. By looking for food I mean soup. So, basically brains. Now, I'm a picky eater. I don't eat anything that can fight back and I usually don't eat children. People think it's morally wrong, or some silly idea of that sort, and then I'd be viewed as a complete monster. Where would all my sympathy points go?

So how do I find my food, you might ask? Holoweb dating sites. I used my own account, with a rather alluring picture of a busty, blonde female. Age 17, with a profile that read "Hiya " to scour the dating site. How hard was it to find one middle class, middle age, divorced, alcoholic, needy, slightly creepy, slightly overweight bachelor who probably writes lesbian porn on roleplaying websites on this site? Why, not at all.

I was on my way to a meeting with mr_sexypants_13523 right now, as it happened. Wouldn't he be in for a surprise. I told him to meet me in a dark alleyway for some "fun" and what do you know, there he stood. As depressing as I'd imagined. Before he could turn around I'd come upon him, using my innate telepathy to numb his senses into a stupor.

"What he-"

"Shh," I whispered, reaching out to take either side of his head in a firm grip with my hands, "It'll all be over soon."

Pouches on my cheeks flared open as my proboscises snaked out and up into his nostrils. Then I began to feed on his brain.

 

[Ugoto Chivaro]

[member="Sasha"]

Trechtus had been lingering in the alleyway for the better part of thirty minutes now. He had received a preternatural inkling that travesty would soon befall this very spot, and he would receive his fix for the day. Judging from the deplorable state of the alleyway and its location on the worse side of town (the side of any town Trechtus naturally gravitated towards), he was expecting a robbery or perhaps a murder. Another working Joe on his way home when he decides to take the absolute worst short cut possible. Did no one watch movies? No one learned anything. They just assumed it couldn't happen to him.

Then a fat, slobbish man with a stubble farm encompassing his face entered the alleyway. Not hurriedly or anything, but rather deliberately. Then he just stood there breathing heavily and checking his watch. Was this a drug drop about to go awry? A doomed informant? Trechtus usually didn't try to guess, but for some reason he was doing just that. As per usual, the fat man did not notice him. No one ever noticed him unless they were a little more perceptive or he wanted to be noticed. As of now, he did not want to be noticed.

A third man slid into the alleyway, faster than Trechtus could see. He was on the fat man in a moment, whispering something. What was this, a hit? Maybe a serial killer. It hardly mattered, so long as the Force energy permeating the pair could be fed off of. There wasn't any stabbing or shooting, though. The third entrant just grabbed the fat man's head, holding it close. That was weird. Suddenly it got worse, when proboscis shot out of the man's face and worked their way up the other man's-

There are no words to describe the exact depth of Trechtus' sudden disgust for what was transpiring here, except to maybe describe what he did. Normally one to not respond in any meaningful manner to anything, Trechtus grabbed the lid off a nearby trashcan, crossed the short distance to the struggling duo, and swung it in a clumsy attempt to smack the Anzat across the head. It said something for how gross the shifter found this event that it drove him to this kind of action.

 

[Gorba the Hutt]

If you've never dined on human brains before, you should really try it. Soup is something else. My people refer to it as the Sea of Memory, but I like soup. Soup describes what it is. Namely, food. You must understand, when I feed I don't have time to concentrate on much else. Plus, the taste of the soup is, well, intoxicating.

So there I was, absorbed in sucking out some poor sap's brains, when out of nowhere something hard and metal smashed into the back of my head. I reeled backward, skull throbbing. My proboscises recoiled back into my cheek pouches faster than you can say "snot." I stood there, rubbing the back of my head, and gaping around. Meanwhile, my meal regained consciousness and started looking around with that terrified expression you see in horror holofilms.

"Oh, now look what you've done. You interrupted my masticating!"

My eyes met the offending personage and widened to about three times the normal size. I was staring at the Grim kriffing Reaper... and I did not like it, not one bit. I started backing away, fumbling at my belt for some sort of weapon. I had, unfortunately, left my blaster pistol in my freighter. The natural best thing to do was to run, but then I remembered that the alley is a dead end. Curse my meticulous planning. The living shadow stood between me in the exit. Obviously, I could talk it out of... well, whatever it was planning to do. I eyed the trashcan lid in its hands.

"What in damnation are you?"

[member="Trechtus"]

 

[Ugoto Chivaro]

[member="Sasha"]

Trechtus, admittedly, had absolutely no idea what the word masticating meant. Judging from the reaction of the fat man, now sobbing as he flew past Trechtus and from the alleyway with all the grace and agility of a three legged Bantha, it was as unpleasant as it sounded. Had he known that the fleeing man was a potential pedophile, he might have been more reluctant to intervene. He nonetheless silently chastised himself for doing so, as these outbursts of physical violence were supposed to be beneath him.

He watched the man grope around, trying to find a weapon, but evidently he failed to do so. Again, Trechtus chastised himself. If this man had any sort of weapon, he would be dead in the water, if not actually dead. Trechtus had not combat training, no weapons to defend himself. He was not a fighter of any kind. However, this man was scared on some level and probably thought Trechtus could hold his own in combat, and that gave Trechtus the edge. Sort of. Trechtus allowed the sobs of the fleeing internet predator to fade into the background before addressing Sasha's question.

"Nothing."

As if Trechtus was going to carefully explain that he was a Stennes Shifter who had been expecting to observe a crime of some sort so he could feed off the negative energy. And that he had also happened to be completely revolted by what had almost transpired here. This answer was both intentionally cryptic and reflective of Trechtus' self-esteem issues.

But frankly, Trechtus would have rather discussed the more important problem of the evening: Sasha's attempt to feed.

"Don't do that again."

 

[Gorba the Hutt]

[member="Trechtus"]

I heaved a heavy sigh as I watched my meal slip away, no doubt to go tattle to the authorities. If they believed his tale about a brain sucking monster, a long if, this whole situation would become immeasurably more complicated. And all because of one, grumpy "Nothing." I glared at the source of the interruption. Honestly, would I really let whatever this thing was freak me out? I am a damn Anzat! A living legend! Doesn't that count for anything anymore? Some shady fellow in grim reaper getup would not cause me to- were those my knees shaking? Good heavens.

"Beg pardon?"

It took me several seconds to realize what exactly that was and indeed it wasn't until I felt the gurgling in my stomach that comprehension sank in. A prickle of indignation flared to life. Maybe I was a mite offended that he just told me not to do the only thing I'd ever innately known I had to do. The nerve!

"What? This?" My proboscises snaked out for a moment before retracting swiftly. "It's how I eat, you dolt," I clutched a hand to my gurgling stomach, "And I am absolutely famished. Look, nobody would have missed him anyway, so if you and your nothingness would just leave me be I'd be very much obliged."

I tried to skirt around the shady figure and his rather deadly trashcan lid, not anxious for a repeat of earlier. My head still throbbed.

 

[Ugoto Chivaro]

[member="Sasha"]

Fear rolled off the man in waves. Trechtus could feel as much as he drank it in. Trechtus was beginning to suspect the confrontation and misfortune he had a premonition of was not between the Anzat and his mark, but the Anzat and him. This was quite the change of pace, he would later admit. Provided he walked away with all his faculties intact. Now that the Anzat noticed him, there was no simply tricking him into thinking he had vanished. Trechtus' natural abilities only worked so far as no one knew to look for him.

Trechtus inwardly bristled at being called a dolt, but otherwise showed no external response. He wasn't about to apologize for not being familiar with the most garish methods of eating he had ever witnessed. He attempted to skirt past Trechtus and explain that he was famished, which only annoyed the Shifter more. This was eventually going to lead to Trechtus getting cocky and screwing up somewhere along the line, but Trechtus was only dimly aware of the fact. If it weren't for the trash can lid and the opening shot he took, perhaps he wouldn't be so bold.

"Then starve." Trechtus said, swinging the lid a second time for Sasha's face.

 

[Gorba the Hutt]

[member="Trechtus"]

"Well, this fellow certainly isn't the talkative type is he- oh dead stars, he's trying to kill me again!"

These were the thoughts that ran through my mind as the living shadow swung his trash can lid at me a second time. It isn't that I'm unused to people trying to kill me, but it is still utterly terrifying. Only the insane crave death and I am anything but. Unfortunately, my terror did not stop the trash can lid coming toward me, nor would any amount of courage have either, for that matter. The lip of the metal lid smashed into my right temple and caused me to stumble sideways and into the alley wall.

I reached out a hand to steady myself and found that the wall was slimy with mold. My head rang and I dabbed fingers at the side of my head, expecting to look at them and see blood, but no. Just a second agonizing headache on top of the first.

"Would you stop!" I hissed. Perhaps I was getting a little angry and perhaps that anger gave me courage, or maybe I finally realized that the only weapon Mr. Nothing wielded was a trash can lid. Suddenly not so terrifying, you see. And I am a damn Anzat, after all. A short Anzat, short by any standard except maybe Squib. And I didn't really do fighting. Not exactly my thing. But, I did have innate telepathy and I could not think of a better time to use it.

Tendrils of my mind reached out and stroked that of Mr. Nothing as I tried to lull him into a hypnotic state, where he'd be responsive to my questions, but not actively trying to win the title of "Best in: Assault and Battery."

"Shhh," I stretched out a forestalling hand toward him, "That lid looks so very heavy, like it's taking all of your strength just to lift it. Shhh. It looks like it weights a mountain, doesn't it? Why don't you just let go and drop the lid."

 

[Ugoto Chivaro]

[member="Sasha"]

Another hit. Trechtus was on a roll today. This marked the first and second time he had ever struct another living, sapient creature. This was also the first time that Trechtus had held the upper hand in any situation. Could this be the secret to success? A trash can lid and an aptitude for violence? Perhaps he could give up his life of shadowy observance and take up the cause of a vigilante. He would become Trashcan Lid Man. Fighting to rid the world of the horrors of the people with proboscis growing out of their face.

Come to think of it, that was pretty stupid, so he banished the thought from his mind almost as soon as it occurred to him.

What didn't sound stupid was Sasha's suggestion. For one reason or another, the Stennes felt compelled to oblige. Common sense and logic were suddenly overruled by just how pleasant and convincing Sasha sounded right about now. Trechtus could practically feel the weight of the lid weighing his arm down uncomfortable. Draining him of energy like a vampire or something. There was a meager pause before Trechtus finally acquiesced, and he loosened his grip to allow the lid to clatter to the ground.

"Okay." Trechtus muttered, for some reason sounding more amicable than he had in his entire life up to this point.

 

[Gorba the Hutt]

[member="Trechtus"]

An inordinate amount of pleasure swept through me at that moment. I'd successfully disarmed my opponent using only my words! Oh, how Jedi would envy me now. I narrowed my eyes and looked the funny fellow up and down. Not so scary when he wasn't detaching from shadows and whacking people with trash can lids now, was he? I scratched my chin. Strange though, how I hadn't sensed him coming.

"That's better," I nodded, happy to get some civility out of the creature for once. All it took was the telepathic powers of a 101 year old Anzat. I kept the mental hypnotism going, didn't want to get whacked again. My stomach gurgled and I wondered if I could make him into a snack, but no. Rule number 1, don't eat anything that fights back. Never break rule number 1.

"Now then, let's try this again, shall we? Who or what are you?"

 

[Ugoto Chivaro]

[member="Sasha"]

It was weird how friendly this guy was starting to sound. It should have registered to Trechtus that the fat man who fled the alleyway probably thought Sasha was a pretty nice guy too. You know, up until the face tentacles slid out and the feeding started. None of this occurred to the Stennes. He was much more focused on helping Sasha out now in any way he could, since he was clearly such a nice guy. Trechtus suddenly felt bad for thwacking him over the head with a trash can lid. Twice. This was all just a huge misunderstanding. Besides, when a guy had to eat, a guy had to eat. Sasha couldn't help it if he ate by murdering people.

"Trechtus." Said Trechtus. His change in disposition towards Sasha was not at all evident in his speech or his mannerisms, or total lack thereof. As per usual, he sounded just as monotonous and reserved as before. There was no amount of hypnosis in the Galaxy that could cause him to break his "never more than a handful of words at once" rule. That was just intrinsic to his person.

 

[Gorba the Hutt]

"Okay, a name. That's something. I can work with a name."

I rubbed my aching head, glancing down the alley and listening for sirens. None yet. Hopefully that wouldn't change. This was really turning into the most dreadful pitstop ever. I hated this... well, whatever the planet's name was... never meant to stop here in the first place. Just wanted to refuel my freighter and be on my way. I have very important meetings to attend, you know. Lucrative deals that await me out in the great yonder. All forestalled by misinformed authorities and one irritable 'nothing' by the name of Trechtus.

My stomach rumbled again. Egads, was I hungry!

I looked into the face of Trechtus and realized that beneath his creepy cowl was a mask. How odd. Concentrating quite hard on making sure he didn't slip out of the hypnosis I asked another question, since that seemed to be going so well.

"What are you doing here?"

 

[Ugoto Chivaro]

[member="Sasha"]

Trechtus didn't know what Sasha meant by that. Did he mean here as in this alleyway or here as in this planet? It was quite the conundrum, but he didn't want to waste Sasha's time by asking. Sasha seemed like such a nice fellow. It would be a disservice to him to bore him with all the details or asking superfluous questions. Regardless of what he meant or if he clarified, the answer would be the same. Trechtus was a simple being with simple designs. He just wanted to survive and feed off the Force where he could. He had no larger ambitions nor desires.

"Observing."

It was about as much an answer as Sasha was going to get. Trechtus did not want to alarm his new friend by revealing he passively fed off of Force energy, particularly when it got riled up by powerful negative emotions. That tended to alarm and frighten people, even though it was almost entirely harmless. Never mind the fact that not ten minutes ago he had witnessed Sasha attempting to suck the brains out of a portly man's nose with face tentacles. No, he could not permit himself to frighten or incite such an upstanding citizen and all around swell fellow as Sasha. Even if it meant that he had to deceive him.

Oh, how bad Trechtus felt for having to lie through omission. He hoped Sasha could forgive him if he found out. That is, if he didn't run screaming into the night as an immediate reaction to the truth.

 

[Gorba the Hutt]

"Observing? Well... that's... that's a little creepy, I'll admit," said the snot vampire. I know, I know, hypocritical of me really, but honestly which is creepier? The man who feeds by sucking out brains, or the man who sits around watching it transpire. Admittedly, he had taken action and my skull still hated him for it.

In any case, the conversation seemed a little stale. The fellow appeared only capable of providing single word, cryptic answers. Perhaps it had something to do with my rather rudimentary control over telepathy. The older the Anzat, the more powerful the telepathy... generally speaking, of course. I'd only just reached one hundred and one, you see, and Anzati are counted as adults after their ninety-ninth year. Still, it was enough to make this fellow more compliant. Just the way I like them.

On the verge of telling [member="Trechtus"] to go to sleep, I suddenly had an epiphany.

"You wouldn't happen to have a ship, would you? What am I saying! Of course such an upstanding, gentlebeing such as yourself has a spaceworthy vessel, no? Lead me to your ship, if you would, and I shall be eternally grateful."

It had occurred to me, in my great reservoirs of wisdom, that the longer I sat on this planet the more likely it could be that the authorities discovered my presence. Whether it was through the tattling of my escaped meal, or the rather small variety of petty felonies attached to my freighter didn't particularly matter. What mattered was that I might be in danger. And when you're in danger the best thing to do is run. I didn't have anything I particularly cared about on my ship, and I did have a very important engagement to make. One that could toss me out of the frying pan and into the fire.

 

[Ugoto Chivaro]

[member="Sasha"]

"Sorry."

The apology was reflexive. Trechtus had not even considered it before hand. It just happened the moment Sasha signaled displeasure. As usual, it was not a very heartfelt apology. It came out so flatly and uninspired he might as well have been being sarcastic or just saying it to say it. Neither of those were his intention. Sasha's hypnosis had made him genuinely apologetic for spying on him. Why had Trechtus even been spying on Sasha? He was far too admirable a person to warrant sustained observation. More internal chastisement.

His new friend mentioned needing a ship, which disheartened Trechtus ever so slightly. He had already hurt his friend emotionally by violating his privacy in such a crude and tasteless manner, shortly before damaging him physically with the lid of a trash can. Now he would have to admit to being unable to help him after putting him through such unwarranted trauma. Some friend Trechtus was. Here Sasha was, a dear ally in need, and Trechtus was completely incapable of giving any kind of assistance. He was a terrible friend. Were Trechtus not an adult with some semblance of emotional control (or suppression, more likely), he would have shed a single tear.

"Don't have a ship." Trechtus finally admitted, with all the emotional conviction of a rock that was even more inanimate than usual.

That hung in the air for a few moments before Trechtus spoke briefly again.

"Sorry."

 

[Gorba the Hutt]

Well, he did seem a bit apologetic, didn't he? I think I liked this fellow's newfound attitude. Very civil, if rather taciturn and void of emotion. Even so, my shoulders may have slumped rather despondently at [member="Trechtus"]' reply. No ship? *Sigh* No ship. Well dash it all, looked like I was stranded on this dreadful planet. Wait a minute, if this fellow didn't have a ship then how the deuce did he get around? I scratched my chin, eyes narrowed as I thought about it for a moment.

"If you don't have a ship, how do you travel around the galaxy?"

 

[Ugoto Chivaro]

[member="Sasha"]

Travel around the galaxy. What a laughable thought. Trechtus hadn't left this planet in a good long time. It had everything he needed. Crime, despair, and corruption. Trechtus momentarily reflected how astonishingly messed up those were the things he needed in a planet. He had arrived as a stow-away on a large freighter a long, long time ago. He could hardly even remember now. This was all irrelevant though, as he was sure Sasha could care less about these details.

"I don't travel," was all he had to say on the matter.

 

[Gorba the Hutt]

"Don't travel? My dear fellow, do you have any idea what's out there? Excitement! Adventure! Treasure! And..." My stomach gurgled rather pathetically, "Food."

I looked [member="Trechtus"] up and down. Well, I'd certainly look conspicuous by myself, but if I brought him along with me he'd make a lovely scapegoat to blame practically any affair on. No, officer, little old me didn't try to eat the poor fat man, it was the black cloaked, masked fellow over there who did it. Yes, yes, I could see this working out quite nicely. But for now, food. If I couldn't have soup, then mortal dishes would suffice.

"Let's go eat. I'll buy you dinner." I ladened my words with a heavy telepathic suggestion that going to get dinner with me would be a very good idea, then I started walking out of the alleyway and toward the nearest diner.

 

[Ugoto Chivaro]

[member="Sasha"]

Trechtus had heard this all before. If not directly, then overheard. He had not particularly cared then. The galaxy at large was dangerous and hostile to his sort, if they recognized what his sort was. He also had everything he could ever need here on this planet. Why bother going anywhere else? Yet for some reason now it sounded much more appealing. If his dear friend Sasha could recommend a life of excitement and treasure, surely it was worth looking into.

A gurgling noise, possibly an empty stomach, came from Sasha. Trechtus could not help but feel responsible for Sasha's hunger, but he couldn't remember why. Ugh. He was such a terrible friend, it was killing him. Now Sasha was offering to take him out to dinner. Trechtus wanted to protest this kindness, but Sasha was already on the way out. The shifter decided he would just go along with it, then. He hesitated for a moment before silently following after Sasha, his thoughts preoccupied by ideas of high-flying adventures and piles of gold.

 

[Gorba the Hutt]

The waitress of "IBounce" gave us a confused look as we wandered up to the buffet-style diner. I suppose [member="Trechtus"]' apparel would likely have been more in fashion at a shady cantina on Mos Eisley than on this planet in a semi-respectable establishment. Still, there were all sorts of creatures in the galaxy and his dark cloaked appearance did not immediately bar us from entry, likely due to my appealing tone and devilishly good-looking features.

"A table for two?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yes, love, and caf. I would very much enjoy some caf." I gave her a winsome smile that had set many a female heart a flutter.

Somehow she didn't seem to enjoy it as much. Probably Trechtus' fault, with his damnable grim reaper getup.

She led us to a table and I was soon sitting with a nice cup of caf in hand, whilst perusing the menu. "Hmm, see anything that looks good, Trechtus?" I asked me taciturn companion.