The Foretold

[Balaya Praelior Zambrano]

Image Credit:
Broly from Dragon Ball Z
Hyde from League of Extraordinary Gentlemen drawn by Constantine Sekeris
Name: The Foretold
Designation: Semi Sentient
Home world: Coruscant
Language: Verbal
Average height of adults: 2.5m
Skin color: Pale
Hair color: Varies
Breathes: Type I, Type II
Strengths:

• Incredibly Strong: Their infusion of graug genetic material has made them strong, slabs of muscle on muscle. Providing them enhanced strength to wear the destroyer armors created for them and tested on Sev Tok.
• Force Skills: Not so much of a strength as they are only taught how to use a small handful of skills that tie together. Force body techniques to enhance their muscles mass and strength, crucitorn to fight when injured past the point of sanity and repulse to push away enemies if they charge into them.

Weaknesses:

• Stand Out: Their bodies are muscles atop muscles and made to be a destructive force on the battlefield. They are large and easy targets but also soldiers. They can move quickly in a single direction using their momentum to barrel into and plow enemy forces down but turning on a dime and avoiding threats from the sides is hard. Their own momentum carrying them forward is hard to stop and usually done with buildings or enemy forces acting as a barrier.
• Degenerative: The drugs used to ensure their loyalties cause neural degradation with more and more use. Increasing psychotic behavior and eating away at their brains, causing uric acid to pool in the joints and restrict their movements causing large amounts of pain driving the foretold into a catatonic state as their brains die trying to protect themselves going into shock.
• Vulnerable: As sith spawn their vulnerability to force light is natural but they are beastly and rely upon the flow of blood throughout their bodies. Force techniques that constrict blood vessels (malacia) are very dangerous and strong against them as they will lose the use of parts of their body and eventually pass out. Cutting circulation to parts of their body can cause the limbs to weaken and deteriorate more as a constant flow of blood is needed throughout their bodies.

Minor Weaknesses:

• Dependent: They are heavily dependent on Battle lords and orders. Their ability to destroy a target is dependent on the orders issued and their ability to carry it out can vary from one to the other but destruction is an art sometimes.
• Addicted: The drugs introduced into their systems to prevent rejection are crafted to increase aggressive tendencies towards psychotic bouts of destruction. It makes them harder to control by lesser people then strong sith lords or battle lords.

Distinctions: Crafted with the dark side and imbued with the traits of several species. There are two types that seem to appear more common. The more proportioned alpha and the irregular sized beta's. Both types are the same just Beta's have a tendency to degrade mentally quicker then the alpha's.
Average Lifespan: 20 Years
Races: They are one race created from the strongest within the One Sith's forces
Estimated Population: 100
Diet: Food cubes, meat
Communication: Verbal, telepathic command
Culture:
Their culture is non existent, they are living weapons who serve the battle lords of the sith vanguard. Tools of destruction who are summoned from the shadows and fires of the military forces when absolute destruction is called for. When alone and allowed to eat or drink they are silent, waiting for orders and used for intimidation by other sith who can issue them orders. The Black blades use them like wrecking balls sending one or two to destroy any who defy the Emperor Vornskr.
Technology level: Galactic standard
General behavior:
One the battlefield they are tools and fighters, being sent as the vanguard for the forces to cause as much destruction as possible, to act as the distraction for the more agile stealth forces to infiltrate the bases. They can be used to lead graug forces who fight alongside them and the black blades or Massassi.

With others off the battlefield they are silent and foreboding, never talking and waiting for the moment when they can destroy. The drugs fed to them to help with the process of the training and alchemy gives them a dangerous chance of psychotic breaks and there is the chance of clone madness driving them to destroy and fight.
History:
Created by the One Sith's Warlord to augment their forces after seeing the results on zeltros. Her views of the graug and soldiers fighting against the Republic notably the Republic soldier Titan who was able to face Gruag in hand to hand. Intrigued her. She couldn't make a mountain of a soldier like him to be mass produced... well not easily.

The first series of Foretold are crafted with alchemy and drugs the eventually looking for a chance to get clone chambers and begin the process of mass producing them. Their skills dangerous and powerful as it were. Their flash training the easiest way to train a large blank slate of an army. With the absence of cloning technology and tubes however.

They were made in small numbers to practice and field test after Zeltros as needed. The first being used against the chiss at Sposia and small changes made after that. Additional lessons and work with the black blades would come in time under Kaine's watchful eye most likely as his soldiers, his elite were being used to make dumbed down versions who could destroy buildings.

Additional tests were done on worlds such as Sev Tok and within Sector Five to try and get them correct with thicker armor being put on over their bodies instead of trying to augment and maintain an armored skin. Their intelligence raised a little so they weren't just running through sections of ships and destroying things until needed. The initial tests proved better for making a creature who could compliment the more advanced units on the field and go against republic tanks or wookiee's.

The latest model losing some of their destructive power in favor of stronger more degenerative drugs, armor to protect them and tech built into their armor to break and wreck enemy units.
Development Thread:

• Titan is Observed by Elara
• Gruag Samples collected
• Massassi fought and collected
• Blackblades combat tested
• Foretold Built and tested against chiss
• Foretold tested against Rev

Notable Player-Characters: None
Intent: To create a tank killer unit, something designed and built to be a destructive force on the battlefield leading the way for their units.

 

[Quietus]

There are a few things that stand out to me and require your attention before I can review this submission any further:

Addicted: The drugs introduced into their systems to prevent rejection are crafted to

This portion of your weaknesses is incomplete.


Please read through your submission to correct grammatical and punctuation mistakes. There are many. I highly recommend you have a friend look over it for you, too.

Tag me when you are ready.

[member="Darth Praelior"]

 

[Balaya Praelior Zambrano]

[member="Quietus"] edited and fixed, I ran it through spellchecker.net

 

[Quietus]

They can move quickly in a single direction using their momentum to barrel into and plow enemy forces down but turning on a dime and avoiding threats is a target.

The end of this sentence doesn't make sense. Do you mean they cannot turn on a dime/have terrible agility?

Is it difficult for them to stop their own momentum once they get moving? This can (and should) also be used as a weakness and would make sense.

Destructive minded: Their bodies are tools, their minds weapons and their wills not their own. They are made to serve and to fight letting it become part of everything they do and are not summoned forward outside of conflicts.

This really isn't a weakness and should be removed from your weakness section.

Dependent: They are heavily dependent on Battle lords and orders. They might be trained with black blade skills and teachings but flash training doesn't mean you can do everything just means you know how. Their skills in serving the sith on the battlefield has them following orders and being creative in how they do it.

This is contradictory to itself. If one is dependent upon orders from a Master and made to be simple-one-track-minded, it stands to assume that creativity would not be part of their mental repertoire, especially not for a creature that was dumbed-down with the intent of being simple-minded.

If creativity is a necessary thing to what these creatures are, then Semi-Sentient doesn't cut it and they will have to be made Sentient. Creative thought (which strongly suggests the ability to think for oneself, independently) and the capability to understand and retain complicated instruction and training isn't something a semi-sentient is capable of.

[member="Darth Praelior"]

 

[Balaya Praelior Zambrano]

[member="Quietus"] edited and try as I might.... Mr Hyde is just no... the movie he looks terrible and the comics he looks so well he looks like a Saiyan transformed in the full moon.

 

[Quietus]

The only thing I'm iffy on with this is the apparent lightsaber-resistant skin. Though it is detailed only to glancing blows, I want to make sure this is not abused in an IC scenario. Glancing blows should still offer wounds (burns and the like) while directed strikes should incur deeper gashes. Skin is skin is skin, and skin burns when it comes into contact with ultra-heated-plasma.

Everything else looks good.

I'll place this on pending approval so that [member="Valiens Nantaris"] can take a look and see if he has any issues with it.

[member="Darth Praelior"]

 

[Valiens Nantaris]

[member="Darth Praelior"]
OK, here’s the thing. Another super warrior race for the One Sith. Great, okay, fine.

However, you’re going to have to make some changes with this one.

The Dev Thread is, I feel, rather underwhelming. You are the only one using that Dominion as the dev thread, and there are less than 10 posts by you relating to this. The other dev threads also don’t really have much relation to this.

On top of that, we again have a problem of weaknesses. Drug addiction, fine, but since I find it unlikely that one will ever be deprived this is not a weakness. The fact they have blood is not a weakness, that’s a normal biological point for almost all sentient creatures. Their dependence on orders likewise is only a minor weakness.
Only the first weakness is what I would consider a true downside, and then only partly.

So what I want from you is:

• Better weaknesses – specifically their lack of ranged or technological attacks.
• Explanation of HOW they can smash buildings and vehicles when they are only flesh and bone.
• Editing of the lightsabre skin resistance as noted by @Quietus.
• More indepth dev thread or toning down of the submission.
• A better intent which explains more of what’s happening and why this is necessary.

I realise this may seem harsh, but you have submitted multiple super races for the One Sith. One or two I can let slide on faith, but the line must be drawn.

 

[Balaya Praelior Zambrano]

*rubs hands together*

[member="Valiens Nantaris"] I shall edit but as it looks like some of the new ideas we had to incorporate will be put in please archive this and much like with the nightmare child when they are ready to come out I shall request it from you.

*skips off as there are several other things to bring in with more dev threads.*

 

[Valiens Nantaris]

Archived as requested.

 

[Balaya Praelior Zambrano]

Edited

Saber resistant skin removed in favor of massive strength
Drugs are degenerative in favor of making them stronger and eventually killing them
A constant flow of blood is needed and blood restricting force powers are super effective against them
Armor is mentioned but will be subbed to the factory providing the bulk of tech needed to smash down buildings.
Intent edited

 

[Boethiah]

[member="Darth Praelior"]

Under review.

 

[Boethiah]

Stand Out: Their bodies are muscles atop muscles and made to be a destructive force on the battlefield. They are large and easy targets but also soldiers. They can move quickly in a single direction using their momentum to barrel into and plow enemy forces down but turning on a dime and avoiding threats from the sides is hard. Their own momentum carrying them forward is hard to stop and usually done with buildings or enemy forces acting as a barrier.

This isn't a substantial weakness, in fact the majority of this description is a strength hidden as a weakness. Hopefully that's not intentional.

Degenerative: The drugs used to ensure their loyalties cause neural degradation with more and more use. Increasing psychotic behavior and eating away at their brains, causing uric acid to pool in the joints and restrict their movements causing large amounts of pain driving the foretold into a catatonic state as their brains die trying to protect themselves going into shock.

This is not a legitimate weakness. Weaknesses should be something that can be exploited by the opponent, this is a weakness that only becomes active upon the whim of their writer.

Explanation of HOW they can smash buildings and vehicles when they are only flesh and bone.

Armor is mentioned but will be subbed to the factory providing the bulk of tech needed to smash down buildings.

I feel like this is a cheap work around, no offense, because that's not adding strength to the species -- if it's tech that gives them this ability, from the biological details alone this is a pretty hefty and effective species. On the question of balance adding armour would add a strength atop their already existing strengths, as you seem to have put their ability to smash through buildings in a weakness rather than a strength.

I am under the impression that this submission is being blatantly min-maxed. Its two (non minor) weaknesses are invalid, the submission has been given plenty of patience and you had enough time during archival to go over and review the submission. Not to mention as stated above you've had submissions judged under similar circumstances and thus should've kept that in mind here. I understand that effort went into the development but the end result did not honour those efforts.

Codex exists as a way to augment roleplay and create submissions that are not only enjoyable by their creator but also by that of others. By the looks of things this submission was designed with OOC intentions in mind rather than any that will prove beneficial to the community in the capacity of storytelling or fairness, and again as mentioned above you've made plenty of exotic weapons of war out of creatures.

With those notes above, I'm going to deny this submission. As you're aware, you can take it to second chance if you feel my judgement was unfair.

[member="Valiens Nantaris"]

 

[Valiens Nantaris]

I am in agreement.

This race, like all your Sithspawn, is min-maxed to the extreme. You have enough of them, another is not required, especially this one.

Denied.