Private The Devil in the Details

[Nida Perl]

Dromund Kaas was her home now.

Here, the dark side of the Force seeped into every brick, every crevice—watching over her with a steady, imposing calm like a sentinel. It was a reminder of who she was, who she served, and Nida clung to the belief that one day, this would all be wanted, natural, and comfortable.

The nights following the attack on Myrkr were harder than usual. Sleep didn’t come to her, and she’d resorted to herbs and pills that would pull her under for a few hours of desperate slumbering. It was fitful, not restful.

Tangled in the sheets of her bed, Nida listened to the sound of her own breathing. Flipping onto her side, she extended an arm on instinct, groping the empty space next to her. Her heart sank, as it always did. Even when they’d been separated by work, she was comforted by the fact that she could count the days where they would be together again. Now, that day stretched so far into the future that she wasn’t even sure it was there. He wasn’t there. Thirdas would never be there again.

A few hours later, she’d managed to drift off, her heart aching so desperately for the companionship she’d ripped herself from that she thought she would simply fade into nothing. As sleep took her, she projected her yearning and it walked the galaxy, seeking her lost love in ripples of the Force.

She was no longer in her bed, now she was on a grassy hill. Flowers and other greenery stretched far in every direction, reaching out to meet the hazy horizon of the blue sky. Nida knelt down and plucked a flower from the ground, twirling the bud between her fingers. As with most dreams, the color and shape seemed to be shifting to the point where she couldn’t identify what it was exactly.

It didn’t frustrate her, but she felt strange.

Thirdas Heavenshield

 

[Thirdas Heavenshield]

​

It had become increasingly difficult for him to fall asleep, ever since Myrkr. If such a thing were even possible. Each day spent aboard the Sting Ray seemed like an eternity; Kyra was barely functioning like a normal person since witnessing the fall of not just her sister, but an entire world. With her struggling to hang on to her sanity, there was nobody to interact with but an astromech droid and Kyra's pet cat. Neither the most talkative sort.

He was also suffering from his shoulder injury, causing bouts of stiffness to his left arm. The blaster wound was still fresh and would take time to heal, even with the aid of bacta-gel. But more than any other cause for his lack of sleep, was the emotional turmoil of missing his beloved. He'd thought he'd get used to it by now, months later, as horrible as it may sound.

When he finally did fall asleep, he'd always dream of her. It was simultaniously the best and worst part about each night. Getting to spend a few precious moments with her, only to wake up to nothing. As bad as the nights were, the mornings were even worse.

This particular night was different. After a lonely evening of watching the stars while stroking Popsicles snuggling in his lap, he fell asleep in his chair.

Sure enough he dreamt, only this time it was no longer some scene ripped straight from their life together, replayed before his eyes like some form of torture. He instead found himself in a place he did not recognise, with rolling green hills stretching far into the distance. Flowers littered the ground he walked, and above was nothing but the bluest of skies.

He looked down at his hands and feet. All four were his own, devoid of any cybernetic prosthetics. He was all flesh and blood.

There was another presence in this strange place. He could feel it. Feel her.

Tentatively scaling the crest of the hill upon which he stood with the sun at his back, he came upon this other presence. A gasp escaped him, a breath of air long held inside until he could lay eyes on her.

With careful strides through the tall grass he approached her. Without a single syllable uttered between the two, he reached out and gently touched her cheek with his fingertips. His black eyes met her pair of violets, sparkling like two jewels in the sunlight. Again he gasped for air, having forgotten how to breathe.

"I'm dreaming."

Nida Perl ​

 

[Nida Perl]

His hand against her cheek felt real.

Nida had stood slowly when he drifted into the scene, rising carefully so as to keep steady. She was vaguely aware that this was not real, but her dreams of Thirdas had never felt this visceral and….alive.

The flesh and blood of his fingers emanated a human warmth behind a sheet of glass. But it was there, and it was a living sensation that her dreams were often devoid of. She dared to gaze in his eyes, and the darkness of his irises did not shift in color or shape. They were exactly as she had remembered, in vivid detail that her dreams could not often conjure.

Her lips parted and she could not find her voice, parched as her throat was. In one hand, she held the flower bud, the other hand resting atop Thirdas’ as it rested against her cheek.

“I think I am dreaming, too.”

It all seemed so real, and that unnerved her. The last two times she’d met with Thirdas, she had regarded him with animosity. Nida wasn’t sure if they were alone or even safe within the sanctity of her dreams, but an unconditional affection for him flooded her body, warming her.

“Your arm.” So many things she wanted to say, and yet the words died in her throat. “And your leg.” She glanced between them. “What happened?”

Thirdas Heavenshield

 

[Thirdas Heavenshield]

Her mention of his limbs having been restored had him take another look at his extended arm, clenching his fist and opening it again. It was his arm, as it used to be. Looking down at his feet, he wriggled his toes. He was barefoot, same as he was while falling asleep.

"I... don't know. Perhaps... this place draws from how we wish we were." As good of an explanation as any.

Again he reached for her cheek, caressing her soft skin with the palm of his hand. She felt so real.

Another step towards her ended the space between them and he wasted no time in placing his lips upon hers. Initially a shy, tender kiss, as if it were their very first all over again. It increased in depth and passion with each passing moment as the two estranged lovers settled in each other's arms once more.

It did not last for very long however. As the events on Myrkr flashed before his eyes, along with her stabbing him on Yavin, he pulled away from her. How could he know this wasn't some devious attempt to lure him in, seduce and ultimately corrupt him as well?

He turned away from Nida, but did not leave her presence.

"I'm sorry. I want to trust you. I want to believe this isn't some kind of trap."

Facing her again, a tear had formed in the corner of his eye and was making its way down his cheek.

"I want to believe you can make your way back to me. I don't know what to do..."

Nida Perl ​

 

[Nida Perl]

All at once, he had flooded her senses. Nida’s hand curled into the fabric of his sleeve, herself devoid of hesitation as she leaned into the kiss. For the first time in months, she felt a satisfying warmth engulf her. The same high she’d been chasing with the Sith, with her new life.

All at once, it was pulled from her. The warmth dimmed, and she couldn’t help the hurt look that crossed her face. When he turned from her, she nearly cracked.

All at once, the cold reality of their situation had been laid out before them both.

Her hand reluctantly fell away from his arm, reaching for the bud in her other hand. She handled it delicately, as if a life-altering decision were nestled between pink palms.

“I think we were meant to be together, Thirdas.” She sounded small, even to herself. “I told my father about you. He says that there is still hope for you. Thirdas, if you just—”

Nida stopped, realizing what she was about to ask of him. If you’d just betray your family and ideals for me. Cast aside your mother and father. Your brother and sister, niece and nephew. Throw away everything that makes you the man that you are.

For me.

Even with the miasma of the dark size seizing her mind, Nida knew that her tongue was dipped in the sweetest venom. She wanted Thirdas, but something else was coaxing the words from her. There was an incredible urge to use whatever she could to manipulate him into her arms for good, into the dark where they could be together. It unnerved her to think that it could be her own wanton desires, and it unnerved her still to think that it could be the poison of the Sith trying to lure in the Son of Heavenshield.

“We can be together, Thirdas.” She reached out to him, attempting to wrap her tiny hand around his larger one. Her face creased with a desperate, genuine sadness. If she was attempting to play at his feelings for her, Nida was affecting herself equally.

Slowly, now. Don’t scare him away.

“It may not be as it was before, but we can build a new life together. A new normal. A family of our own, children as we’d always dreamed of having.”

Her head tilted to the side, violet strands shifting slowly across her face.

“Don’t you want to be with me?”

Thirdas Heavenshield

 

[Thirdas Heavenshield]

The words she spoke were hard to dismiss. It was her voice, and the choice of words did not seem dissimilar to those she would've used had she still been with him. It was equally difficult to turn away from her when all he had wanted was to find her; she was right there, begging him to be with her. Her pleas were enough to make him turn to her once more.

"With all my heart," he whispered while running his fingers through those strands of violet. He plucked the flower from her hands and placed it in her hair, looking mournful as he did.

"You have no idea how dearly I wish you and I could disappear together, make a new life together. Love each other, as we used to. Raise a family. Be happy for the rest of our lives."

But then his head shook from side to side, ever so slightly. Even so, he maintained a gentle hand beneath her chin, tilting her head up to meet his gaze.

"But not like this. I cannot, and will not, forsake my friends and family for my own happiness. To do so would be selfish, even cowardly. The Nida I knew were neither of these things. All she ever wanted to do was help other people."

His words were not spoken harshly, for he could not bring himself to. Perhaps he thought they would help her see the flaws in her newfound self.

"What hurts the most, is that you would name the Emperor your father. After everything my father's done for you, only for you to fall into the hands of his sworn enemy, and you dare call him father? And Joza? The poor woman who raised you all on her own for all these years? The woman you called 'mother' for as long as I've known you? You would cast her aside just as easily?"

He'd begun pacing back and forth as he got increasingly upset.

"You were a child slave before Joza found you. What does that tell you about your so-called 'family'? What kind of father willingly sells his own child into slavery for a slight chance to infiltrate his enemies? How can you justify that, Nida? You tell me!"

Frustrated, he sat down on the grassy hill and grabbed a tall straw to pick at, just to keep his hands busy.

Nida Perl ​

 

[Nida Perl]

For a moment, Nida thought he was growing used to the idea. If only Thirdas would consider it, perhaps she could sway him to begin a new life—with her, where she believed that she was meant to be. He shared her wishes, voicing as much, yet Nida sensed that there would be a but.

But not like this.

Her heart fluttered wildly through the aching of her chest. His words were not harsh, but the meaning behind them scorched deeply into her mind. His steadily growing anger was palpable, and this was the point where she would usually grasp his arm and gently coax him to sit down. This was the first time his upset had been directed at her.

Eventually, she shook her head. “You don’t understand, Thirdas. And that is not your fault—you are simply ignorant of the truth.” Pink hands clasped delicately in front of her, she contemplated moving towards Thirdas, maybe even touching his shoulder, but she wouldn’t be able to handle it if he’d pulled away from her. Closing her eyes, she exhaled steadily, then refocused her soft gaze on Thirdas.

“I know it may sound…far-fetched, but Kaine Zambrano is my biological father. I’ve confirmed it with several independent DNA tests. My life as a slave-“ Her voice failed her, dying in her throat. Even if it was fake, the memories were vivid. “-is a lie. False memories planted by the Jedi to inspire weakness and cover up my true past. I was stolen as a child from my true mother, and indoctrinated into a Jedi family. My father cares for me, and he has brought me home.”

She knew how it sounded. Like propaganda, lies that tangled in her brain until she couldn’t distinguish fact from fiction. The stories aligned, and Nida was desperate to rationalize her choice. “The Jedi are liars, Thirdas.” Her voice was barely above a whisper, but it carried between them. “Your father—kind as he may be—lives under a façade of martyrdom. And you are his son, which was why my blood compelled me to-“

Unconsciously, her hand had fallen to her stomach and traced over where she’d plunged the knife into his abdomen. She looked up at him, eyes wide and swirling with a mix of realization and fear.

“There’s something dark in me, Thirdas. There’s always been.”

Thirdas Heavenshield

 

[Thirdas Heavenshield]

More Sith lies came spewing out of poor Nida, who very clearly had bought into the indoctrination of her captors. It hurt to have to listen to her speak ill about his noble father, about the Jedi as a whole, about how all her existence was a lie orchestrated by those who had been her friends and family.

He should be furious by now, but instead he simply sat there and chuckled at her allegations against his entire world.

"Wow, you... You really buy into all that garbage they feed you, don't you? Just like that, you give up on everything you've ever known to be true just because someone you've only just met tells you to. That's just... incredible."

Tossing the long straw he'd been fiddling with, he got up again and stared her down, no longer laughing. He wanted to shout at her, tell her how much of a fool she was for believing such Sith propaganda. But she was still Nida, and even now he could bring himself to raise his voice at her.

It didn't make him any less upset with her.

"I was going to ask you to marry me. That night, once we'd get back from Yavin. All these things you ask for; a family, a place of our own, a life together. We would have had them by now, if they hadn't gotten to you. And yet you've done nothing but praise them for tearing us apart!"

He pressed his index finger down on her chest, pointing at her heart.

"And you know what? Everyone has darkness in them. Every person that's ever lived was born with both good and bad in them, and we all have a choice to lean one way or the other. Every day that you choose to spend in the company of the Sith, is a day you could break away and return back to how things were. Gods, the fact that I should have to explain this sh*t to you in the first place...!"

And then, out of nowhere, he grabbed hold of her and kissed her hard on the lips. Before even realising it, he then had her pinned to the ground as more passionate kisses followed. It seemed one way to vent his frustrations was to give in to his desire for her.

The next thing he knew they were lying naked in the grass together, catching their breath.

Nida Perl ​

 

[Nida Perl]

She knew what she sounded like. Something in Nida had hoped—foolishly—that he would hear her out. Consider what she was saying. But as she spoke, Thirdas’ anger grew more and more palpable. He didn’t have to shout for it to be apparent, she could see it in the tension of his muscles, and in the abyss of his dark eyes as he stared her down in a mix of rage and disbelief. As much as she wanted to, Nida didn’t shrink back. He deserved that much, at least.

Then, he said something that paralyzed her.

I was going to ask you to marry me.

It flashed before her—everything they could have had together. A happy marriage, a home of their own, children. To her, they could still have these things, if only he would stop being so stubborn. Nida wanted to tell him this, but she wasn’t even sure if she was still breathing.

He surged forward suddenly, kissing the breath out of her again and again. Stiff at first with shock, she melted into the familiar sensation of Thirdas and threaded her fingers into his hair, the vestiges of her resistance crumbling to desire.

~~~

Coming down from an amorous high, Nida vaguely wondered about the ramifications of what they’d just done. What even was this? She wasn’t sure if this was real—but the warmth pulsing through her body was real enough. Being with Thirdas, even now, had been the most natural thing she’d done in months with her new life being an uphill battle.

Her gaze focused away from him for a moment, honing in on the small, delicate but that had fallen from her hair. The same one she’d picked up earlier, that Thirdas had tucked behind her ear. She reached for it, brushing her fingers over the satiny petals before pressing it into Thirdas’ palm, gently closing his fingers around it.

“I won’t give up.”

It was unclear exactly what she’d meant by that, and Nida felt herself beginning to fade. To what, she did not know, but her consciousness was being pulled to another plane.

Thirdas Heavenshield

 

[Thirdas Heavenshield]

A lot of emotions had been pent up since the two lovers were parted. Pent up sadness, pent up anger, pent up fear. Only now, as they lay clinging to one another in the grass, did he realise his desire for her had been equally pent up. Still, this was just another dream, was it not?

No, it wasn't just another dream. This time it felt real, somehow.

He closed his fingers around the bud she'd placed in his palm. "I know," he uttered softly. "Nor will I."

Thirdas found her lips for another deep kiss, electric to the senses and filled to the brim with passion. Dream or no, he would not let her go without one last kiss. Somehow, he too knew it was time to go.

"Don't make me wake up," he pleaded, to her or to whatever power had brought the two together this one time. He embraced her, holding her tightly. Glancing down at his arm holding her, it was no longer made of skin and bone but rather returned to the same familiar cybernetic prosthetic.

"I don't want to go..."

But the world around them started to fade, turning into a blurry copy of itself, and the horizon was turning into a black void closing in on them.

"I will find you, Nida. I promise!"

The two began to drift apart, pulled from each other as both were being returned to the physical world, separated by who-knows how many lightyears.

"I love you!"

The last thing he saw was the face of his beloved staring back at him with those same eyes he fell in love with in the first place. And then he woke up, gently and peacefully for once.

Sitting up in his bed aboard the Sting Ray, his arm and leg were once more mechanical. Greatly confused at what had just transpired, and why he could recall each detail of their meeting so vividly, he opened his hand to reveal the same bud Nida had gifted him.

Overcome with emotion, he sat there in silence with tears in his eyes. He got out of bed and put the flower in a glass of water over by his bedside, then looked out his bedroom viewport at the stars beyond. He pressed his palm against the glass, wondering whether she was doing the same just now.

His resolve to find her had never been greater.

Nida Perl ​

 

[Nida Perl]

“I love you, Thirdas Heavenshield.”

Nida wasn’t sure whether she’d spoken those words or thought them. Regardless, they’d echo between her and Thirdas like whispers in the wind before consciousness separated them.

Nida awoke slowly, without the haze of sleep that usually fogged her mind. The warm tones of the field of flowers and Thirdas’ presence still tingled her skin and shielded her from the cold, austere surroundings of her room. It was always kept clean and in pristine shape, lacking the charming disarray of their home on Kashyyyk. At first it had made her easier to focus, but now she was flooded with memories of how content they’d been. The walls here had no stains from cooking mishaps, tears in the rugs were either expertly repaired or replaced entirely. No precarious piles of dishes on the counter because someone was too lazy, too tired to wash them.

She glanced beside her as she’d done upon waking nearly every night, finding herself alone in the large bed. The worst mornings were the ones where for half a second, she’d expected him to be there before clarity set in.

A soft glow barely peeked over the horizon, and Nida turned her gaze towards the window and the steadily growing gradient of the inky black sky fading to burning orange, studded with small bright stars. Even though the dream had ended, the feeling of Thirdas hadn’t left her. Sitting up in bed with her eyes fixed on the sky, she wondered if this were a trick her lonely mind was playing, or something more tangible.

Scooting over to the edge of the bed, her legs unfurled from beneath her and gingerly touched the cold floor. Softly padding to the window, she pressed a small pink palm to the chilly glass and felt her hand warm almost instantly. At the sensation, her eyes crinkled at the edges and Nida fought off tears from an overwhelming flood of longing, guilt, and wavering conviction.

Her resolve to pursue her path as a Sith had not crumbled, but it was beginning to erode. For the first time, she genuinely entertained the thought that this may not have been worth it.

But could she afford to go back?

Thirdas Heavenshield