The butterfly effect

[NightSister]

Continued from A song of ice and fire​

​

[media]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GHT8NYffvY[/media]​

​

Her first thought was anger.

In truth, she wasn't certain as to why she was so angry. Connor hadn't lied to her; he hadn't broken any promises, at least none that she could think of. He hadn't abandoned her, in fact he had asked her to come with him. He hadn't hurt her - well, not physically at least; admittedly, he'd tried to kill her, but he hadn't tried very hard. But she felt weak and wounded where before Connor had shown she'd been on top of the world, and so she was angry.

Then came sadness; Connor was gone. He'd said that she wouldn't hear from him so long as she didn't try to oppose him. Aria had looked up to him - she was skilfully denying it to herself, but in a way she still did. She had trusted him - on this count, she wasn't even pretending that she no longer did. And now he was gone, and so long as he respected the Order and its members enough to leave them be it was unlikely that she'd ever see him again.

Confusion followed. How long had Aria been blind to his shifting alignment? Had he ever been a Jedi? How about when they'd first met - had he been a Jedi then? Or worse - if he'd trained Aria while not one, could she even call herself a Jedi? And she - she had caused herself double what confusion Connor had. Why had she come so close to leaving the Order with him? Did she really depend on him so much that she would throw away what she'd worked for and disregard her promise for the chance to stay under his wing - or had she unwittingly lost touch with the Jedi she strived to be?

Finally, numbness.

Less than thirty minutes ago everything had been normal in her eyes; in that time so much had changed and so drastically that she felt void of emotion, as though her capacity to feel had run dry. Her head was light from the emotional charge of...whatever it was that had just happened, but her sense of detachment was not important. She had to get it together to figure out how best to proceed.

Of course, she couldn't leave with Connor, that much was non-negotiable. What she had to work out was why that statement tinged her mind with disappointed longing, and how to eradicate it. As far as she was concerned, it made no difference whether she wanted to stay with the Jedi; she had no choice but to do so. If she didn't want it, she would make herself want it, and fake the desire until it was real.

Or.

She could abandon her promise. Her promise was words, after all, nothing else - promised to two who were now dead, no less. She had not run out of time just yet; it would take mere minutes to rectify the situation, and she held no doubt in her mind that Connor would still take her with him so long as she made it by nightfall. Both alternatives tugged at her heart like opposing magnets - both were permanent choices. Connor or her promise, her promise or Connor. One or the other, Aria.

--------​

​

One pace forward. Then two back. Then five forward, and one back. Then she closed the distance and her hand reached for the door, but she pulled back just as her fingers touched the handle. Rapidly, Aria looked around to see if she'd made any noise; if she was heard, she'd have no choice but to decide on the spot. A part of her almost hoped Connor would open the door to see her pacing back and forth before his room as she tried to make up her mind, so he could understand how stupidly conflicted he'd made her. Damn him for confusing her, and damn her for being so unbelievably confused.

It felt like an hour she'd been there, talking herself into turning back then being reminded of what she'd be passing up the moment that she did. By this point he'd probably left already, through the window or something, or gotten tired of waiting for her, and she would open the door to an empty room or a rejection and then be left to face the fact that she had been ready to leave the Order.

That did it for her. She was a Jedi; by default, she was supposed to be able to control her emotions. Connor hadn't exactly taught her as much, so she would teach herself. In fact, she could teach herself everything from now on. Less chance of her mentor proving to be with the Order under false convictions that way. Perhaps spite wasn't the most Jedi-like of motivations, but it was what made her finally turn around and return to her own room.

Connor said the days of the Jedi were numbered, so she would help them thrive through whatever the galaxy threw at them. He said the Order held back those who truly tried to help the galaxy; she would do good, do her part to make it a better place. He said the Jedi were cowards, afraid to do what they had to do; in turn, Aria would operate with courage while remaining faithful to the code she was sworn to.

She would prove him wrong, and despite everything the thought made her smile.

 

[NightSister]

Blackness was replaced by blackness; Aria blinked and raised her head. She had fallen asleep late, but the lack of light through the crack in her shutters told her that it was still early in the morning. She sighed and leaned over to switch a light on.

Last night's decision had been as easy to accept as it had been to make. Upon returning to her room, Aria had done a full 180-spin and was stopped only by her closed door - the obstacle, though small, reminded her again of what she had said she would do, and so she locked the door and spent ten minutes putting furniture in the way of her exit just in case. She had tried to distract herself by reading a book, but the words blurred on the pages - Aria hadn't even known that was a thing that happened. Food, exercise and trashy holomovies hadn't done the trick either, so she gave up trying to distract herself. She had cried, she had punched her pillow, she had composed a list of increasingly more creative insults for Connor, she had tried both to improve and worsen her mood through soliloquizing, then when she got tired she had collapsed into bed to do the same thing, but more quietly. By the time her body caught up with her fatigued brain, it was well past midnight and her sleep had been just as unsettling. Her unconscious brain had treated her to a blow-by-blow playback of that morning's incidents, zooming in and changing in volume at all the right moments to make her wake up in a positively foul mood.

She wanted to run and make sure that Connor hadn't delayed his departure for whatever reason, but stayed, telling herself that if he had then she would likely see him around the Temple during the day.

Well, she supposed, this was as good a way as any to begin her new era of training.

---------​

​

Over an hour later, when Aria had done something in the way of improving her mood through a hot breakfast and a lot of talking up her reflection in the mirror, she went to the Temple's gardens. Her head turned to the pathway at the other side of the Temple that led to the waterfall, then turned back as her mind threatened to relive yesterday yet again. A single reminder of the day before would set her back on that path of infinite conflicting thoughts, and Aria was simply not in the mood today. She'd had all of yesterday to wallow; now she would get back on track.

First on the agenda; as odd as it sounded, Aria wanted to be sure that her outburst hadn't caused her to lose total control of her abilities. Certainly when it had happened, she had become weak to the point of being almost incapable of defending herself, but - no no no no no, getting off track. Training, that was what was important today. Yesterday she had been weak, and she would be strong now.

Slapping her wrist to get herself back into focus, Aria lowered herself down and sat cross-legged on the grass, picking a pebble and setting it down in front of her. To begin with, she would simply lift it, to prove that she still could. She set her focus in the little stone, slowing down the usual process of telekinesis to a meticulous process which at first caused the stone merely to shift in its spot on the ground. Aria had anticipated that her mind would get in the way of the matter, that even the easiest of tricks would be more difficult until she could convince herself otherwise, so she tried her hardest not to let the initial failure get to her and went again. And again, and again, and again.

It didn't take her brain too long to remember that she was a Knight and thus capable of something as simple as levitating rocks, and soon she was able to lift the stone with her mind, letting it float above her head for a few seconds before lowering it. Then she tried to hold it in the air for as long as she could, this time simply as a watered-down form of trial. Tests of the dangerous sort she would stay away from - those methods might have made her a Knight, but it was her goal now to remake herself as a Jedi. Besides, she was sat in a garden - there wasn't much she could do in way of simulating danger.

After several attempts of varying length ended with the pebble staying airborne for a full five minutes, Aria let it drop back down to the ground and moved onto her next test of skill. Her hypothesis was that her power had not been compromised by yesterday's meltdown, only her confidence in it; she wanted to prove herself correct before allowing further training. That was one thing that had come quickly to her - if she was going to train herself, she could allow no room for error and would thus discipline herself rigorously. She attempted, this time, to execute a Force-push, it having failed her the day before - granted, that took less effort against a boulder than with a person, but she didn't trust herself to fare well in interaction of any sort until she had some better control over herself. Her goal was achieved with less tries than it had taken her to float the stone, confirming her theory: she allowed herself to feel a tiny bit proud.

 

[NightSister]

Over a further hour or so, Aria tested and retested a range of skills, refusing to move on to the next until she had achieved whatever goal it was that she was setting herself. Her premise had proved correct, and it relieved and satisfied her in equal measure that none of her skill had been lost. Of course, she knew that she could only demonstrate so much ability when training on her own - it remained possible that against a real danger, she would seize up and forget, again, everything she knew about how to fight. Then again, after spending all night speculating she'd had plenty of time to analyse her reactions from the day before; provided her enemies remained strangers, or at least foreign enough that she'd never had cause to trust them, she was reasonably confident that there would be no repeats.

Now, onto the second half of today's lesson. Aria had proved that she could still call herself a Knight; now time to see whether she was still worthy of the title Jedi. That had been another thing she'd pored over when her brain refused to let her sleep, and her conclusion was that meditation in its various forms would serve as a good way to ease herself back into the Jedi lifestyle.

It was important now, very important, that Aria succeeded in directing her thoughts down a single path. Again, it was spite that would let her even hope to succeed; Connor had ruined her training once already, and she would be damned if she allowed him to ruin it in his absence.

Her eyes closed, and she willed her thoughts to still. Don't think about yesterday...you're thinking about yesterday, stop thinking about yesterday. Aria.

Her eyes opened. This was so ridiculous; Aria Vale, the Jedi Knight who couldn't meditate. Now there was a story for Padawans to laugh at. Don't be like Aria, young ones, you'll never become Jedi. She couldn't allow herself even the breathing room of having had a major upset the day before - she wouldn't achieve anything through making excuses. Was it harsh? Without a doubt. Would it work? It would. It had to.

Try again. Aria muttered a stream of largely incomprehensible motivation, condensing her set of lengthy motivational speeches into a few moments' worth of irate and determined thought, refusing to let her blip hinder her further.

Don't think about yesterday, don't think about Connor. He's gone, and you're not. You're not going to let someone who's not even there ruin your training, so stop thinking about him and how he's not a Jedi and how he's gone now...you're still thinking about it. You did the right thing, who cares about him? And it's too late now, so stop. Don't think about it.

He's gone now.

Tears threatened to spill, and her fists clenched.

 

[NightSister]

The sun glared down from its midpoint in the cloudy blue sky, and Aria groaned. Midday. That meant she'd been at it for almost five hours, and still she couldn't close her eyes without everything she was trying to forget bubbling to the surface again. Great.

She really had been outside and training since just after seven that morning. Early mornings were when she was normally at her most productive, and with her attitude today being to train until she bled progress, her lack of success was getting under her skin, but she had refused to stop even as the hours ticked by. However, now the sky was telling her that morning was passed, and in her paranoia every cloud looked as though it was laughing at her. And she deserved to be laughed at. What kind of Jedi was she, who couldn't get enough of a handle on herself even to sit and meditate for a few minutes? She'd be lucky if her story didn't end with being kicked out of the Order.

Kicked out of the Order...that brought up another thought. Sooner or later, Connor's disappearance would be noted, and he had rank enough within the Order to merit investigation. He had said that only she knew about Charzon; that meant that unless he had a change of heart and turned himself in, only she had the required tools to make Connor a criminal in the Order's eyes. She knew she wouldn't do it of her own volition, but if the Silver Council decided to look into his disappearance, if they sought her ought and asked her, what about then?

Oh, stop, Aria told herself wearily. This was why she was failing so spectacularly. They'll come when they come. Until they did, her focus was on training.

Her stomach growled loudly, causing Aria to blush and look around for passersby. Okay, so her focus might also be on food. She was allowed to take food breaks at least, right?

-------​

Hunger satiated and all excuses to divert her attention elsewhere invalidated, Aria settled back down in the same exact spot as before, determined to continue. She had considered changing up the scenery simply as a trick she'd read about to refresh her brain, but under her new Jedi boot-camp regime such methods were cheating and thus now had a price of fifty burpees.

For the millionth time, her eyes closed, determined to do what Jedi were famed for and take control of her emotions. Memories arose; go away, she told them. You have no place here. Now, calm. Be calm. Imagine a meadow - more flashbacks - nevermind that, then; a beach. She'd never been to a beach with Connor, had she? Oops, and there it was. Fine, then, perhaps an ocean. Was the ocean, at least, safe from her cruel, cruel brain?

Apparently, it was. Aria pictured an ocean, stubbornly insisting that anything in her brain not relevant to the exercise remain on autopilot at least until she was finished. Better. Big and blue and...stormy. No whirlpools permitted either. Calm, calm, calm; that was more like it. And there's a sun in the sky - go away, rain - and no clouds to laugh at you. No, wait, there they were; those could leave too. Why was her schutta of a brain so determined to make this difficult? She'd done nothing wrong. Not in this case, at least. Had she? And off again.

Maybe she really was just being too hard on herself. Maybe she hadn't allowed herself enough time to come to terms with everything.

Or maybe she was just weak.

 

[NightSister]

Everything Aria tried was useless. She was useless. The feeling was unfamiliar to the extreme; Aria had always thought of herself as strong and capable and tough, but what validation did she have? She could fight well, yes, but in way of mental resolve it appeared she was lacking. There was the fact that she'd managed a promotion, yes - to a Sith, it would indicate she'd been so powerless against the indoctrination tactics of the Jedi that she'd advanced through their ranks. Wait - bad, very bad, don't define your strength the way the Sith do. Not even her train of thought could stay true to the Jedi anymore.

Strong or not strong - not strong - Aria didn't have the energy to keep going so fruitlessly at it. Such a method worked in a lot of cases, maybe, but Aria wouldn't kid herself to save face. She couldn't keep trying to swim in a current that showed no sign of slowing; eventually she'd burn out, and then what? She'd be no closer to recovering her Lightsidedness - she'd be no closer to anything or anyone. Stuck without power and without anyone to guide her. Maybe she'd simply drink until life got bored of her; maybe she'd erase the last three years from her mind and move to a small town where nobody knew what the Force was, and work as a hairdresser or a secretary and be the sort of person she'd pitied in her days of sabers and pyrokinesis.

That option hurt the most of all. So what if Aria was weak now? If she kept going the way she was, she'd be weak forever. Or she could face her weakness head-on, take the less forceful route to resolving it, and maybe, eventually, she'd be strong. There was no point getting caught up in how she felt right now; trying to kid herself that she could recover fully on her own was less an effective method of regaining strength than an attempt to preserve her ego. That stung, but it was true. Too true for Aria's liking, but the point here wasn't to like it.

So what, then? Who would train Aria, if not herself? She would have to take great care to find somebody she could trust not to turn on the Jedi; that could prove tricky. Or maybe it wouldn't be - several days having passed since he left, Aria had realised that from an objective point of view, his actions were very foreseeable. If she could just find somebody who she trusted, but not enough that she'd be blind to the true nature of their allegiance, and who was skilled enough to help her become a Master, and who was patient enough to help her become a Jedi...

Alright, it might take a while. That was fine. These things took time.