Private Survivors [Solo]

[Arlo Renard]

Kai awoke to a familiar voice uttering the words, "I hate you."

He opened his eyes and blinked. The equally familiar surroundings of his quarters aboard the Survivor greeted his eyes. Claudia stood above him, her arms crossed over her chest. Relief and gladness flooded him at the sight of her unconfined to her hoverchair, with no signs of the strange plantlike growths that had engulfed her body. Yet even as he studied her sullen expression, wondering what could have given her cause to hate him, it all came back in a sudden rush.

Tribunal Station. Ishani. Arcturus. Dahrtag. Khayyam. The essence transfer.

Slowly, Kai sat up. Claudia continued to glare at him, now with expectation in her gaze. Clearly she wanted him to say something.

<You're cured,> he said.

"No thanks to you," she growled.

<I disagreed with the method they used to cure you.>

"Yeah. You disagreed so much, you attacked them. What the fuck is wrong with you? You brought me to those alchemists, then you turned on them as soon as they started to do something to help me!"

Kai hugged his knees to his chest, shutting off. Claudia continued to rage, shifting her weight from one foot to the other as she spoke.

"As for disagreeing with their methods—should I be dead? Is that what you're saying? That I should've let this thing kill me?"

<No,> he replied, then lowered his head. <I don't know. Maybe. I brought you to them to see if they could reverse the damage somehow, but they couldn't. You were dying, and the only way they could stop it was by cheating death. Essence transfer is wrong, it's unnatural and of the Dark Side. Sith like Palpatine and Carnifex use it to prolong their lives—>

"But I'm not doing that!" she blurted. "I just want to live a normal life, not prolong it!"

<I know.> He knew that feeling better than she realized. <But maybe you don't have the right to do that.>

"What right? What are you talking about?!" she practically screamed. "It doesn't matter whether a Force power is 'of the Dark Side'! It only matters what you do with it!"

Kai's head dropped still lower as he shut himself off from her. Claudia seemed to realize there was no getting through to him this way anymore, but her anger didn't abate. She yelled a few more harsh words at him, profanities and insults, before storming out of the room. The door slid shut behind her, leaving Kai alone in his quarters.

 

[Arlo Renard]

She came to him again some time later, her expression carefully composed. Kai was still sitting on the bed, his head lowered. He raised it when she entered.

"Do you have an answer?" she asked, her tone cool and tightly controlled. "A real answer for why you did what you did?"

By "real" answer, she meant he must have had selfish reasons for attacking the alchemist, not moral ones. As if everything he did was really just emotions and instincts. For a while he just looked at her, unblinking, as if staring might make her go away. But she didn't move. Gradually a look of shame crossed over his features. It made him look ugly.

<I was afraid.>

"Afraid of what?"

<That if you became normal and pure, you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore.>

Her eyes widened, stunned by his answer. "You really believed that? What do you take me for?"

<You should,> he replied, though it felt like he had stabbed himself and was now twisting the knife. <I'm the worst friend anybody ever had. Everyone's gone. Everyone's left me behind. Clearly I'm not worth it.>

"Kai..." She sighed. "Quit feeling sorry for yourself, please. You realize that you could've become 'normal' too? Probably not now, after what you did. But if that's what you really want..."

<It's not about what I want. It's about what's right. And the next time someone tries to tell me otherwise, I won't listen.> He jerked a thumb toward himself. <I screwed up. I know that now. I should've just let you do what you wanted to do. But being in that place and handing you over to Khayyam did something to me. I couldn't stand to see it happen all over again. They did to you what they did to me, only they saved you. They damned me with the same methods. I didn't trust them.>

"Okay," she said. "I get it. I forgive you. It's just too bad those alchemists probably won't."

<Saving you was the price they paid to wipe away their sins. They killed my soul-sister.>

"Didn't she almost kill you?"

<I know you don't understand. But I do what I do because it's right.>

She sighed. "All right. We can put this matter to rest, then. Are you hungry?"

He was starving, but he shook his head. <Not really.>

"Well, I'm going to make some food. Panna cakes sound okay?"

He shrugged, pretending to be disinterested, and she left the room.

 

[Arlo Renard]

While Claudia was cooking in the kitchen, Kai turned over and lay on his stomach in his bed. His quarters were spare even by most standards, consisting of little more than a flat cot-like bunk and the most basic furnishings. He didn't need much else.

Closing his eyes, he imagined that he was aboard a different starship...

It was another freighter, an old girl named the Conestoga. It was the personal vessel of Professor Errik Nimdok. They were on their way back to Coruscant from Chaldea, where Kai had been reunited with Gerda.

"Now then," Nimdok said, rummaging through data tapes in the recreation room. "What do we have here... Kai, do you like cartoons?"

Kai raised his head. He was sitting on the couch, curled up in a ball. He was very much a child, and while his spiritual wounds were fresh, he had not yet become bitter or hardened by his ordeals. <Sometimes,> he answered.

"Well, how about the Bright Knight?" Nimdok asked. He held up a tape. The image on the cover was of a knight in blue and gray armor, with a cape billowing out behind him. "It's a great show. I loved it when I was young, and I still enjoy it now."

Kai said nothing as the professor put the tape in. The holo projector began playing scenes of animated action. Before Nimdok could leave the room, Kai suddenly remarked, <You see your son in me.>

Nimdok paused. "Kai, I thought we agreed that you would stay out of my mind," he said. His tone was a little stern, but far from angry. It was as if he were talking to a child, after all.

<You're afraid Jacen will turn out like me,> Kai continued regardless. <A shapeshifting, vampiric monster who feeds on people.>

"Jacen is only a baby," Nimdok replied. "But yes, the thought crossed my mind that he might face the same problems as you, being half Shi'ido and half Energy Vampire. That only makes me care even more about you, Kai. I want to see you healthy, happy, and well-integrated into society, just as I want my son to be."

<But you don't care about me for myself. You only see me as a trial run for your son,> Kai accused. <I'd be nothing to you otherwise. Just some curiosity.>

Nimdok sighed. "Kai—"

<Just leave me alone.>

So Nimdok left. Over the next few hours Kai learned the story of Condal Dunstrum, a young Jedi Padawan who survived Order 66 when his wealthy parents came to reclaim him in the nick of time. As he grew up, Condal felt survivor's guilt and vowed to fight against the corrupt and evil Galactic Empire. He donned the armor of the Bright Knight, and became a vigilante, using gadgets and weapons, and sometimes, if there were no other options, the Force...

Kai must've watched a dozen episodes in one sitting. He was riveted by the show's plot, and it helped to take his mind off things. But eventually his thoughts turned back to Gerda, and how she had tried to tear his spirit from his body. Her words haunted him.

Turning off the holo, he wandered around the vessel, eventually reaching the door to Nimdok's quarters. He opened it, not bothering to knock, and stood in the dark over the professor's bed, tears streaming down his face.

Nimdok eventually awoke. A lamp was turned on, revealing his startled form sitting up amid the blankets. He peered at Kai from beneath furrowed brows. "What's the matter?" he asked.

"Please don't leave me," Kai sobbed. He had vocalized for the first time on Chaldea, a wordless scream of agony after his hopes of having something resembling a family were torn asunder. This was the second time he spoke aloud and the first complete sentence, a mewling string of syllables choked by tears.

Nimdok blinked, then cautiously held out his arms to Kai. The Doppelganger melted into the embrace, crawling into bed beside the bewildered professor, who could only offer a silent reassurance via the Force and some soothing pats on the crying boy's back. Eventually Kai's tears ceased to flow, and his body no longer trembled. He felt numb.

<I have no one,> he whispered. <I'm alone.>

This was before the Reef. Damsy was somewhere on Korriban, trying to reconnect with her heritage; she would return with new recruits for the Sanctorium, Arisso and Motina among them. Dagon was still avoiding Kai, frightened of the creature that looked so much like his evil twin. Aeris was just a friendly librarian, and he hadn't even met Iris yet.

Nimdok took a deep breath before speaking. "You aren't alone. You just feel like you are. These are emotions, understand? Emotions are fleeting. The feeling will go away if you give it enough time."

The professor sat with him while they waited for the storm to pass, one hand pressed to the doppelganger's left temple. Kai felt a calmness spreading over him, a serenity that relaxed his body. <What's happening to me now?> he asked drowsily.

"I'm introducing you to sleep," Nimdok said softly. "I think you need it. You may be an unnatural being, but you're made from two natural species, the Shi'ido and the Anzati, both of whom require rest. You probably need a chance to review everything you've experienced today. Or at least, you could use a nap, kid."

<Will I dream?> Kai wondered, his consciousness already drifting off on a warm sea.

"I could give you a dream too, if you like." Nimdok seemed pleased by the idea. He was, after all, a dreamwalker. "What sort of dream do you want?"

Kai's answer was half-formed, little more than a vague acknowledgment. So Nimdok wove a dream for him the way fathers read storybooks to their children.

"You're sailing the stars on a ship shaped like a comet, carved entirely from pure crystal. You're flying across the universe, and when you reach the other side, you'll find a place to rest your spirit, if you can..."