Private Stomachs A-Growlin'

[Colette]

The smell of stir-fried, slightly charred food weighed heavily in the apartment. A small pile of dish was spread out across the sink from the process that always took way longer than Colette wanted it to. Did she enjoy cooking? Ehhh, not really, but it was always nice to do it for someone else. Usually she would just go out and eat something, or seek out the canteen, but not today.

"Funny how it always takes less time when two's cooking." Colette mused as she placed two equally loaded plates of what she would simply describe as 'fried vegetables' on a nearby table. Of course, Shan might have recognized it more as a mixture of roots, peppers, and mushrooms with a finely chopped nut garnish and some sweet 'balsamico'. Whatever that was.

All of this to basically say that for tonight; he cooked and she chopped. Tonight was his night but it was Colette who had pointed rather nonchalantly in a recipe book and said 'I want that one' despite not knowing what was in it.

"I mean it looks good?" She said and questioned her choice as she took a seat by the small table in her dormitory. "As long as it's not that bean thing you really wanted to try a while ago, I'm sure it's good."

Colette shuffled a small piece of the baby corn in her mouth and began to chew when a thought struck her. Her eyes began to wander to the side, shifting as she squinted at the wall and then back to Shan as he took a seat.

"Wait, I feel like... Did you say something before? I was zoned out and I must've-- sorry, it's… It's been a day."

Shan Pavond

 

[Shan Pavond]

"It makes sense. Splitting the jobs up between two people would mean roughly half the time it takes normally." The Mirialan kept a little grin on his face, even as they cooked away. Normally Shan was a vegetarian, mostly from his own beliefs. He never saw a point in having meat just for himself, but considering it was something that Colette had always liked...Well, it was something that Shan was always willing to compromise on. People were always going to eat meat, so it wouldn't hurt if he did himself every now and then.

Though he snapped out of his own thoughts at the mentioning of beans, giving Colette a little pout. "Hey! Beans are great. You can do so much with them. Stews, casseroles, pies...Maybe I should try making a bean cake." Shan rubbed his chin in thought for a moment. Normally when he was being a bit more experimenting with his food, he'd either eat it himself or use Sewer Rat as a guinea pig...but now that he thought about it, perhaps using the wild rat that had "claimed" Shan as it's owner might not have been a good idea.

As they settled down, Shan just watched Colette for a moment, his smile growing. The stress in his life had only been growing..but he could always rely on Colette to help release that stress. Even when she wasn't even doing anything, just the sight of her was enough to make him forget about some of his troubles.

"Hm? Oh. No. I didn't say anything. I mean...there's a lot to say though. But you can go first if you want." This would have been around the time where Shan would have leaned forward to place his hand on Colette's to be supportive, but instead he just rested his hand near her's, in case she wanted to take it herself. "You've said it's been a day so...is everything okay on your end? Plenty of things have been stressful for me recently but I can tell you about that later."

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

Yeah, beans were great if you cooked them right. Whatever that mess had been however was not the right way to cook them. Sure, technically Colette had been the one who got things wrong, but it still really wasn't her fault either! Quite frankly whoever decided that 'broiling' was supposed to be a thing as well as 'boiling' deserved all the scorn they could get for their stupidity.

The weary hand that rested against her cheek as she pouted slowly fell to the table so that she could reach over towards Shan who rather than outright grab her hand would let her choose whether to grab his or not, and in doing so proved yet again why it was that she loved him so. A weak smile spread on her lips as she felt her metaphorical armor come off yet again.

"It's just the Jedi meet." She grumbled and shook her head. "A lot of people, a lot of opinions."

"Between that, a literal war on our doorstep, and how busy I've been running errands for the Order, I just feel like a lot of things are…" Colette let out an exasperated sigh. "Well, they're stupid." She said and used her fork to pick at the food. "Obviously we should move the young ones, but…" Another groan. "I guess part of me wants to run away from the war and another wants me to take a bigger part of it."

 

[Shan Pavond]

"Ah. The Jedi meet. The Jedi meet specifically for Jedi. The Jedi meet that I purposefully avoided to help people out." Shan broke out into an awkward chuckle at that, rubbing the back of his neck. It was a stressful time. The Jedi had to make some kind of decision but Shan wasn't necessarily sure if he should have been a part of that decision. After all...He did plan on eventually taking a break from the Order to study medicine...But that wouldn't be happening anytime soon now that he thought about it.

"Trust me. There is a big part of me that wants to run away. Run away from the war, find a nice place to settle down...but the other part of me knows that's not who I am." The Mirialan gently bonked Colette's forehead with the flat part of his fork, giving a small smirk. "And we both know running away isn't something you'd ever do either. Not when people are in danger. It's part of what I love about you. I mean, it's definitely not your cooking." Shan teased gently, shaking his head afterwards.

"Moving the young ones makes sense...I agree...but at the same time, they need to learn. How to defend themselves, others. How to heal." It was always clear to Shan that one of the things he wanted to do the most was to help teach people how to heal, and how to care for others. But that wasn't going to be something he'd do anytime soon.

"Just remember, you can take a break if you need to. I can do some of the errands you need. All I've been doing is training, going on trips with other Jedi and erh...going to an auction with a Sith." Once again, another awkward laugh came out as Shan sighed to himself. "Don't want you burning yourself out, alright? You're a light in my life and I don't want it to burn out."

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

There was no way Colette didn't grin at that lovable little goof. Shan had a way of using humor that just got to her in a good way, but he was most certainly one of very few. Under many circumstances she wasn't a big fan of humor at all. It made your words meaningless, your trust pointless. If you meant something, you said it, and if you didn't mean something then you shut the hell up.

The fork thing however, did not get a smile. That was an overreach, but one that she would clearly mark with a respectful frown as the boy backed away again. She took the hand that rested within Shan's rubbed her fingers against the spot of impact and lowered it back into his hand again to rub any and all grease into it with an indignant but ultimately very feigned scoff.

"Thank you for offering, but I need those errands to keep me sane." She frowned. "You're a light in my life too, you know. I don't want you to burn out either."

"Which, you know…" Her brows sank with worry. "What the hell were you doing at a Sith auction?"

 

[Shan Pavond]

"Oh. No. No. It wasn't a Sith auction. It was a slave aucti-...Wait. No. That doesn't make it sound any better now, does it?" He blinked to himself, holding up one of his hands in a defensive manner.

"You know about my whole...mother being kidnapped since I wasn't at home right? Well...I've still been trying to find any clues to who took her. So there I am on Nar Shaddaa, when I find out a local gang got killed. and I happen to notice the whole stinky aura that Sith give off and I decide to investigate." During the entire story, Shan was moving his hand in circles, just to be expressive as he kept an awkward smile on his face. "Turns out it was some Sith who did it, living in some penthouse. Had an actual discussion with them and a bit of a debate about people being considered too weak nowadays and that people shouldn't believe others should protect them."

It was clear the actual debate part of the incident wasn't something that Shan cared about, strangely enough. "Anyway. We both realised that we need each other for what we wanted to do. She wanted to study things, and I wanted to rescue my mother. There was also a thing about different cultures fighting against each other, but I proved her wrong by using us as an example." He wagged his finger between the two of them, before letting out a sigh.

"Still...haven't found my mother though. Part of me wonders if I'll ever find her now." Shan went to work eating at that, not really being in the mood to talk after all of that.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

Colette let her greasy fingers wrap around Shan's hand to stroke back and forth along the top to offer some measure of comfort as he spoke about the fact that he might just never find his mother at this rate, but in truth it was just as much for herself as it was for him.

Where he had memories of his parents, she had none of hers. The part that worried her was the part where she just couldn't sympathize with his struggle as much as she wanted to. Shan clearly cared immensely for his mother and to Colette it was seemingly for no other reason than because this woman was in fact just that; his mother. But to Colette the whole meaning of 'mother' meant very little more than life-bringer. Whichever woman had brought Colette into this world had subsequently just left her behind.

That wasn't a mother, that was a monster, and her father was most likely just the same. Colette wasn't sure if she'd cry or spit on their graves on the day that she'd finally know the truth, if had she ever cared to find out to begin with.

"I…" She struggled to find the words. She wanted to tell him that he wouldn't need that, and that he was stronger without her as if that would somehow make him see reason, but that wasn't who Shan was. He cared for people and he cared deeply. Despite everything, he still cared for his mother. "I'm sorry."

"But, you—" She exhaled with a sharp, clearly troubled sigh. "It was—"

"I'm here."

"F-for you, I mean. As you search."

"And after that, too."

 

[Shan Pavond]

"You don't need to be sorry for anything Colette. I promise you. I just...blame myself for it." He grumbled to himself at first...before shaking his head. "It's fine." It was blunt. Direct. To the point. Things that were very unlike Shan as he shook his head, breaking out into a small smirk. "I just need...to focus on the things that matter right now. The other Jedi. The people who are going to be affected by the war. You. If my mother's gone...She's gone. It's just...weird to think about not having any family. I mean my dad's a deadbeat who tried to kill me so...I guess my family was never that great in the first place."

No. He had to relax. It wasn't that important. It was like he said, he had to focus on more important things. Like the food they had made. He didn't want it to get too cold as he just ate away in silence for a few minutes. Debating things over his head. Before glancing over towards Colette, tilting his head to the side. "How's the kitty doing? I feel bad for not asking." It was true. The cat was as much a part of their little family as much as anyone else was. Though was it really a family?...Yes. Yes it was.

"Also. Letting you know, I'm always here for you as well. No-one and nothing is going to stop me from being by your side. And anyone who tries to is going to see me when I'm mad." A half hearted smile came to his face. It was mostly meant to be reassurance for Colette, but even Shan struggled to believe that he'd be able to do much even if he was mad.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

Well, what was a family, really? The thing Colette had called her family for the longest time in her life had turned out to be nothing like it, and even though she was part of Valery's family now, that didn't mean that she would be able to just forget how her own had treated her or change her opinion on it. Family much like a parent had become just another dead word that she had no better replacement for.

"I've seen you fight." Colette said as Shan promised her protection. She knew his thoughts well enough to know that he doubted his ability to. "Don't sell yourself that short."

She continued to eat the now lukewarm food with a happy little smile on her lips.

"You know, this is kind of nice." She eventually said and squeezed Shan's hand yet again. "Just doing these normal things that normal people do."

"Makes it easy to forget that in the end we're really not, you know?"

 

[Shan Pavond]

"I mean. At the end of the day, you are far from normal to me. You're special. I mean, I eat meat when I'm with you. And I hate meat." In the past, Shan would have argued that he was normal, but he knew that would be an argument he would lose against her right now. Though he did chuckle when Colette told Shan not to sell himself that short. "I mean...I'm not the tallest person. Especially if you compare me to Kahlil."

He squeezed Colette's hand back gently, staring off to the side in thought. Dozens of thoughts rushing through his mind. "It is nice though. I agree. Doing all of this. Acting like normal people in love...Helps get my mind off the fact that we both have so much responsibility nowadays." He once again let silence fill the room as he focused on his thoughts.

Normal things that normal people do...Did that meant he had to worry about the future now? Worry about houses? That was something normal people did right? The only thing he wanted to think about the future was being with Colette. Not any of the stressful stuff that would come with the future.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

Shan was the only person in the universe to see Colette flush red with a bashful smile on her lips. Others could probably imagine it to some extent if they used their imagination, but the actual sight was something that only he would have access to.

"Nobody is tall in comparison to Kahlil, that man is a giant." She added as her lips split into a grin. She let the silence linger for a moment longer before she let in a deep breath.

"But I guess what I meant to say is that some days it feels like a shame that we were born into these responsibilities. We have to grow up faster than many others do because of the force." Colette said as she began to look out the small, tiny little window by the table, out across the horrid Coruscant skyline. "Although I guess for you and me that would have been true even without it."

"I don't really do what-ifs, but I feel like this is the part where I would ask such a question."

 

[Shan Pavond]

"...There's a lot of what-ifs I can think of." Shan nodded, watching the skyline himself letting his mind wander afterwards. It was one of the things he did to keep his mind busy. A busy mind was a busy person at the end of the day. At least that was how he liked to think of it.

"If we weren't Jedi. If we weren't burdened with this responsibility...What would we be doing? I know I'd be studying to try and be a doctor. I need an impressive job to make sure Valery and Kahlil would approve of us." Shan joked about it, but it was true. Even now, he felt like he had to impress everyone he came across but that was a feeling he was slowly fading from.

"I know I wouldn't wake up every night worried about you. Worried about everyone I've met. Part of me wonders if I'd be able to block out everyone's suffering if I wasn't a jedi..." He shook his head however. That was impossible for him. Even before he was even a Jedi, he was looking out for people. Which would lead to him having gotten injured in the past...

"The only thing I know that would be the same, no matter what situation we had in life, is that I'd love you Colette."

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

"I mean, no." Colette smiled. "Because if I wasn't a Jedi, we'd never have met." A small chuckle rumbled in her throat as she shook her head and took another bite of her food. "Which is exactly why I don't wish for any other reality than the one that is mine."

"Our love is the greatest thing that has happened to me, and it's all because of the things that led us both to where we are now. I don't need what-ifs because I'm already exactly where I want to be."

She grabbed his hand yet again.

"... I am with you, in a small room, on a planet that I absolutely hate, but that you alone make bearable to be on."

 

[Shan Pavond]

"You never know. Maybe Fate would have found a way for us." Shan returned the smile, but listened to Colette at the same time, squeezing her hand. It was nice to hear that she was happy where they were. Shan would be lying to himself if he said he was happy though. There were plenty of what-if scenarios that ran through his head but this situation was exactly the perfect kind for him.

"Give it time Colette. Soon you won't have to be stuck on Coruscant." He didn't elaborate on that. Sure, Colette might have thought he meant the Jedi meet, but no. Shan was planning on trying to find his own place. After all, he was going to need one to study medicine, since he didn't want to stay just in the Temple. Especially if he was going to take a break from the Order. It would have just been freeloading in his eyes.

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

"Maybe so." She smiled, but very highly doubted it. The fact that Knight Keer had even found her in the desert was such a needle-in-a-haystack moment to begin with that there was just no way to replicate it. It was simply right time, right place.

And then Shan began to get… Cryptic. She twisted her head to the side to give him a good side-stare. She glanced at him, then the wall, then back to him with a confused glance.

"Uh. Why? Are you gonna kill me or something? Why are you talking so… Vague?"

 

[Shan Pavond]

"Exactly. Maybe so." Shan nodded, all sagely and wisely...Or at least he thought that was how he looked.

"I...What? Why the heck would I kill you?" Shan blinked in confusion at Colette as she asked that question. He had no clue why something like that would even cross her mind. At the very least, cross her mind whilst he was there. He'd never think about killing anyone as he blinked once more.

"I just meant...when I get my own place. We can...both stay there. Y'know? It...makes sense, right? I just need...to save up for a place...Oh by the Force, this is so awkward now that I'm saying it out loud." He ran his hand down his face, sighing at that.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

"You were being so vague about it!" Colette added with a fiery remark when Shan began to fall into an awkward ramble. "That's so cute, you—"

The wild hand and full-body gesturing came into play. Colette was feeling this conversation intensely.

"No it's not! You're not awkward. You're just over— LOOK, I love that idea, but I don't love it when people assume that others will just magically understand what they're saying. I like it when they speak their mind and just say what they want and what they are thinking, okay?"

"You're fine! There's nothing you could say that's too much for me, it's alright."

She let in a few breaths and sighed.

"Just… Please, be open and honest with your thoughts. That's all I'm asking."

 

[Shan Pavond]

"No! No! It's just...I was afraid of how you might react to me being all "Yeah, I want to get a house for us." I didn't want you to freak out over it, or assume that it meant something deeper. I just want to be able to get you a place that you'll love to stay at."

Shan was back to his mumbling again. Rambling away as he tried to figure out how to explain how he felt about it. He was afraid honestly, that Colette would have thought that he was planning something like marriage when in reality, he wasn't. He just wanted to get them their own place. Sure, Colette had the noble house to go to instead of the dorms but it was different when you had your own place...at least that was what Shan had assumed. He'd never had his own place.

"Just...trust me when I tell you, if I'm noot being open with my thoughts, it's not because of anything bad. It's just that I'm scared that what I'm saying is stupid."

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond
Colette's brows furrowed again, this time in anger. She dropped her fork and crossed her arms.

"Nothing you say is stupid." She hissed. "With me, nothing you say or do is ever stupid."

"Shan…" She exhaled and eased up a little. She reached out across the table again to offer her hand to be held once more. "You're too hard on yourself, okay? You always are and it breaks my heart every time you push yourself into the ground like this."

"I need you to trust me enough to feel stupid, okay? I feel stupid all the time. It's normal."

 

[Shan Pavond]

"But...I'm scared as well. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing. Or doing the wrong thing. I'm overthinking it all. I thought that if I suggested getting a house, then you'd think I was suggesting us getting married or something. You're my first partner in anything like this...and you're the first person I've actually loved like this."

His fear was just starting to bubble up more, especially as Colette hissed. Just holding her hand carefully as he stared down at his feet, sighing to himself. He couldn't help but be hard on himself. In his eyes, Colette was the best. So he had to be at his very best. Mistakes and slip ups weren't worth it in his eyes.

"...But you aren't stupid ever Colette. You're one of the smartest people I know...And I'm assuming you're going to be surprised by me saying that."

Colette