Private Sorry For My Absence

[Jasper Kai'el]

Sorry For My Absence
Coruscant
Tags: Corazona von Ascania

​

Jasper felt terrible.

He hadn't been there to protect his friend again. It was always on the backfoot that he had ever helped her, well after the suffering had already been endured on her end. Yet again she had been whisked away, and Jasper had been powerless to do anything about it. What could he do? Some things were just out of his control, and rational thought should have kept him from blaming something of that nature on himself.

Unfortunately the knight's mind didn't work like that.

Still, Cora had returned, and stood up to her past on Ukatis no less. He didn't know the full story, of course, but he had an idea that there had finally been some kind of encounter with her family. The fact that she had returned after that spoke volumes. In the time of her return Jasper hadn't gotten a window to meet with her again. It was probably for the best, he decided, that she meet with those closest to her first. The Nobles, Makko... Or maybe he was really more afraid than anything. After all, the unneccessary burden of guilt was on his back, a storm of his own creation. He needed a bit to make sure that he could interact with Cora free of this.

So when the time came, Jasper sent a message to the young woman. Coordinates for a diner, one which he had gone to long ago in a time of turmoil in his life. He could still remember sitting in there, an organic arm still attached to his torso, head lying down on the table as he stuffed pizza into his face only for a pink-faced friend to show up and give him support. Now the place held a special spot in his heart, which wasn't true of many locations. Even the temple.

Jasper was there well ahead of time, a pizza ordered in advance. Cora would need the time to relax. If he couldn't be there to keep her safe, the least he could do was help his friend readjust after their trials.

And hopefully not make a fool of himself.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

Cora realized, as she was on her way to the diner, that she hadn't had so much as a slice of pizza since…before she'd been married? Force, that felt like eons ago. It had really only been about a year since she'd forcibly divorced Horace into the ground, but so much had happened between then and now that it felt like much longer.

Jasper Kai'el had been there for her during one of her lowest moments, and was one of the few people who knew the visceral truth behind Horace's death. Even though he hadn't been present on Thule, Cora couldn't hold that against him – the Knight could not be everywhere at once.

The door of the eatery slid open, and the younger blonde stepped inside. Casual dining was an experience she'd only discovered after first coming to Coruscant. She only disliked it when the restaurant wasn't clean; upon looking around, this one appeared sufficiently tidy.

Jasper was already here, and Cora smiled as she slid into the opposite seat of the booth.

"It's good to see you, Jasper." She greeted him warmly, easily. Knight Kai'el was like the older brother she'd never had. "I heard you've been away for a bit; I'm glad you're back. How are you doing?"

For her part, the Padawan looked a little taller, a little leaner. Some of the baby fat had been lost from her face, sharpening her visage into something more regal. The trials had not weighed her down to the point of breaking, but there was a hardness to her eyes that hadn't been present before.

 

[Jasper Kai'el]

Coruscant
Tags: Corazona von Ascania

​

"I heard you've been away for a bit; I'm glad you're back. How are you doing?"

"Hey," Jasper frowned. "I'm supposed to be asking those questions."

The knight sighed, cracking a smile. He had missed her. Just seeing Cora in one piece was enough to put a lot of his worries at ease. It was hard to be a leader at times. Jasper wanted to be the solution to everyone's problems, but it was all so wildly out of his control. At the very least he could trust that his people were a resiliant group of individuals.

"I've... been worse," he admitted with a sigh. "I'm just glad to see you back in one piece."

Jasper was quick to open the box of pizza he had ordered, grabbing a first slice to put on a plate for Cora before grabbing his own. He was causal about it, as though all of his worries seemed to float away in that moment.

"Figured you could use a brain breather," the knight told her. "Get your mind on something less serious. I come here all the time to relax, so I figured I'd share the spot."

He sank his teeth into a first slice, shifting his gaze to the door. Ichika Masudo had walked in years ago, and he had been sitting at the very same booth in the very same spot. It seemed like so long ago now. Being in this place, even if for a short time, made him feel out of the flow of time itself. It was like he could place his hand on the shoulder of his past self.

"You know, I have a funny story about this place," Jasper noted. "First time I was here I actually had an organic arm if you could believe it. I was sitting right here, stuffing my face trying to pretend that the galaxy didn't exist. I... didn't always know I was a clone. Learning that made a much younger me think that the universe was crumbling down around me." He laughed awkwardly, scratching the bridge of his nose. "Sorry, that's probably a bit more sad than I thought, but I guess it's kind of funny in hind sight. I was so young, but there I was so sure that my life was over. Time is a curious thing, isn't it..."

The man was whistful more than anything, his grey eyes filled with memories. Some sad, some happy, but all equally formative. Looking through that door was like looking through a portal. He almost didn't want to look away. He did, ultimately, turning back to his young friend.

"Jeez, sorry," he chuckled. "I'm a little scattered in the head right now."

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

Brain breather. Now there was a term she hadn't heard before, but it made enough sense to her. As Jasper started to share his story, it dawned on Cora that this diner was special to him. She listened quietly to the Knight's recollection, citing how much younger and inexperienced he'd been the first time he'd been here.

"Oh, don't you start with that." The younger blonde waved away his apology with a note of good humor. She still hadn't started in on her slice yet, opting to blot the grease from the cheese with her napkin first. "I think that sometimes I forget you and the other Knights and Masters were ever my age."

With the napkin having absorbed as much oil as it could, Cora set the soaked cloth aside and took the first bite of her pizza. She hummed softly in approval.

"You come here when things are hard, then?" The Padawan ventured. "Things are certainly...quite a bit head-scattering for myself, now."

Jasper Kai'el

 

[Jasper Kai'el]

Coruscant
Tags: Corazona von Ascania

​

"Head-scattering is understandable I'd say," Jasper shrugged, taking another bite of his slice. "But hey, you can keep your chin up about somethings. Once you hit rock bottom you can only go up you know."

The man sighed, leaning back in his booth. Something had happened while she was with the Sith. He had gathered as much. Any one of them would have liked to jump at the opportunity to torture and break the student of their greatest threat, the Sword of the Jedi. It was a direct line back to Valery. She had to have an in. Ultimately, however, that was none of his concern. Whatever choices she had made were hers to know and tell, and not his to judge. All that mattered was she made the call to return when it mattered.

"And hey, not for nothing, but you went back to the home where a bunch of lunatics tried to execute you," he added. "Head-scattering or not, you got your heart in the right place. That's worth something, I think."

He gave a sad smile, setting his slice of pizza down.

"Better than what I did," Jasper noted. "The only home I ever had was the temple. I ran away a week before the Maw attacked Corscant."

There were always worse actions to take. It didn't matter if he had only been a kid. He had left his own people behind. To that end there was still a great deal of guilt that he held, even if he couldn't really change the outcome.

"Not that it matters now," the knight chuckled. "After all, the future is an open road."

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

Cora arched a brow as she nibbled cautiously on her slice. The last time she'd eaten pizza, it had been with a knife and fork.

"Are you saying that I'm at rock bottom?" She ventured playfully. "Of course I went back. Even if they reject me, I still want to protect them."

The Padawan had entered the Order during the tail end of the Alliance's war with the Maw. Their opponent was on the decline at that point, so she could only have imagined how terrifying they must have been at their height. She wondered what Jasper had seen as a younger man, what he'd experienced, what he'd felt.

In her seat, Cora shifted uncomfortably. On Thule, captive Jedi had died by the hands of the very Sith Lord who'd saved her. There were complicated feelings there, especially when she hadn't left as soon as she'd been given the opportunity to.

"I don't feel as though I've been a very good Jedi, honestly." Sitting back in the booth so that her head touched the cushion, she frowned. "May I ask…why you ran away back then?"

Jasper Kai'el

 

[Jasper Kai'el]

Coruscant, Jedi Temple
Tags: Corazona von Ascania

​

"You know, perspective changes a lot," Jasper noted at Cora's remark of not being a good Jedi. "The way I see it, any Jedi worth their salt is a person that chooses to face their fears head on. You can't escape fear, or control it, and you can't really fight it either. It's something you have to accept and move past. You've stepped up to do that time and time again. Abusive fathers, corrupt royal officials, an attack on your home world that brought you back to the thing that hurt you most... There are Jedi Knights that would have folded by now. It doesn't matter how good you are, just that you keep moving. If you were going to quit you would have done it by now."

She had a resiliance that she wasn't giving herself enough credit for. Jasper surely hadn't seen that in himself. It was part of why he left. Speaking of, there was the question. The man couldn't help but give a soft exhale. He was still conflicted about these times, but they were a part of his life. There was no hiding from it, only understanding and moving past.

"I ran away because I was afraid," he stated, plain and simple. "I've never been that strong in the force, so I put all of my time as a boy into training with a blade. I wasn't all that charismatic, and I didn't have the friends I do now, but I saw that. I wanted it. I thought if I could just make something of myself in spite of how weak I was, everything would just magically work out. One by one all of my peers got Masters. I had my kyber crystal and everything by that point, but nobody ever came forward to take me on as their student. So I packed up... I thought I was finished."

Jasper sighed, giving a slight smile.

"It's funny," the knight added, "When I returned I never got an official Master either... but I had a lot of mentors. They all pitched in to train all padawans when the war made teachers in short supply. I... didn't come back to get a master though. I visited Tython after the battle to see if I could do anything, and a Sith Lord appeared and began attacking civilians. I couldn't do much that day at all, but I met someone who did do something. She did so much she helped me awaken a power I didn't know I had. Iris must have been only a year older than me..."

The knight leaned back, taking another bite of his pizza. It was complicated why he returned. The musings of dreams, ambitions, hopes... They were all a mess back then, but something stood out very clearly in his mind.

"Jedi are so prone to sacrifice," Jasper stated. "But that comes with a cost. The less Jedi there are the less people we save. It's... kinda selfish of me really, but I wanted to be the one to make sacrifices for the people who make sacrifices. And in the end of the day, I need those kinds of Jedi just as much as the Galaxy does. It's the only family I have."

He gave a half grin.

"That includes you, y'know."

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

Cora listened quietly, her eyes never leaving Jasper as he spoke. The Padawan often had difficulty accepting how others viewed her - good or bad - so it took a conscious effort for her to try and digest Jasper's words objectively.

Tenacity could be a good thing, sometimes. The smile she wore was small, and perhaps a bit tired.

Cora wasn't the only one who'd questioned her worthiness. A younger Jasper had his own troubles, his own doubts, his own failures.

"It's hard to imagine you as weak." Shifting in her seat, Cora resumed picking at her slice of pizza. "But I suppose that we all have to start from somewhere. You came back and decided to make something of yourself - that is admirable."

"I think sacrifice has to be balanced. I sacrificed my freedom with the intention to protect my family and uplift my people - if Horace hadn't been the monster that he was, I very well might still be on Ukatis. It's like you said," She took another bite of her pizza, chewing slowly, then swallowing. "Sacrifice comes with a cost. My decision hurt people around me, and maybe I could have done more then as a Jedi than a Princess. But I'll never know."

Setting her plate back down, Cora's gaze wandered over Jasper's shoulder, unfocused for a few moments in thought.

"I finally stood up to him. My father."
Blue eyes shifted back onto Jasper, and she smiled. There was pain there, but pride.

"I will not let anyone raise a hand to me, ever again."

Jasper Kai'el

 

[Jasper Kai'el]

Coruscant
Tags: Corazona von Ascania

​

"I finally stood up to him. My father."

"I will not let anyone raise a hand to me, ever again."

"Then you're on the right path," Jasper nodded. He gave a smile, a proud one. "Maybe your path is unclear, but you're choices are moving you forward. That's what matters."

He took another bite of his pizza, pondering on the situatuion of Cora's youth. Power was such a disgusting thing, really. If her father didn't see a road to greater influence, surely she could have had a more forgiving childhood, right? Ultimately he didn't know. That kind of life was foreign to him, as was growing up with a family. Jedi were disconnected from local nobility in most instaces. It was a world very much seperate from his own.

But parents could cause trouble if they wanted to. He knew that fact well.

"I'm... sure it was tough," he noted. "I can't exactly say I ever had a father... I guess it's harder for me to wrap my head around it all. I'd be willing to guess it's more complicated than I could ever understand."

Maybe he just felt more disconnected from that being a clone, or being left behind by his creator. It was hard to say.

"We can shift the topic if you like," the knight told her. "I'm sure you've talked out all of this with a bunch of folks since getting back. I'd rather not beat a dead Bantha, y'know? It's good to get things off your chest, but people are more than their struggles. The best cure for pain is high spirits, I find."

They all just had to remember that brighter times were always around the corner. It was simply a matter of getting there.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

"In some ways it is complicated. In others, it can be remarkably simple." Cora's brow creased, as if the weight of a heavy thought rested there. "People think that life as a noble is always easy. Which – don't get me wrong – it absolutely is, especially by comparison to how many people in the galaxy live. Ideally, the head of a noble house understands that they're responsible for not only their family, but for the lives of the people they govern. My father made sure that I understood that."

She stared down into the half-eaten slice, as if the rest of her explanation would be there.

"The better the standing our family was in with the royal court, the better the lives of the people in our territory would be. He sacrificed the freedom of his daughter for the sake of his people. I may not like what he did, but I understand why he did it."

It was nice to get to talk like this, without the expectation that Jasper would have all of the answers. Maybe some things really were complicated, especially regarding her feelings for her fatherl. He'd raised her, taught her, and used her as a chess piece. A large part of who Cora was today was owed to the Viscount Ascania.

"It's not a dead Bantha." She smiled, soft and genuine. "Talking helps. It's not something I do normally with difficult topics, but it makes me feel better." It was something she would have to learn to do, given that there was no shortage of difficulties between Ukatis and Thule.

"I understand if it's…er, what was that term? I heard one of the younglings using it…" Cora pursed her lips slightly in thought. "A 'total bummer', I think."

Jasper Kai'el

 

[Jasper Kai'el]

Coruscant
Tags: Corazona von Ascania

​

"You're not a downer," Jasper insisted, giving an awkward smile. "I just don't wanna make you down, y'know? Pressing at bruises and all that..."

Jasper sighed, tilting his head back a little in his seat.

"I can't respect a leader who sacrifices their own," he stated, his face becoming more intense. "Using a living person as a tool... I can't... It's just wrong. I can feel it in my bones. Maybe it's because I was made for someone else's grand plan, or maybe freedom is just... y'know, in our DNA as people."

The man could only cross his arms, letting out an exhale as the fristration faded.

"Sorry," the knight apologized. "I have my own reservations I can't get over. It's mature of you to take the time and understand your father's perspective, even if you hate it. I don't think I ever could..."

It spoke more highly of her character if anything. Jasper wasn't that. He was just a guy, trying his best to live out a life of stand up ideals and to keep his people safe, whatever that entailed. The day that he used one of his own as a pawn on a chessboard was the day that Jasper Kai'el was dead. Whatever was left surely wasn't him.

"Man, it's been a rough couple of months," Jasper finally laughed. "I should pitch a day-trip to the council. A meditative retreat to a nice, isolated planet with a non-hostile ecosystem. Especially with so many people getting their first taste of war..."

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

"I can't blame you for that." She nodded. "I was raised to think of myself as a tool to better my people, and I took pride in it. Training as a Jedi was a part of that."

A pause worked its way between them, during which Cora's brow scrunched in thought.

"But if what happened to me happened to a close friend - like Colette or Shan or Ko - I'd feel much like you, I'd imagine." She shrugged. It was funny what one could tolerate personally, but not for others.

"I'm not sure what I believe now. Maybe it's because I'm a little older, a little stronger, and have seen more of the galaxy - but I won't be putting myself in that same position again."

Jasper had a good moral compass and despite being an accomplished Jedi, was easy to approach. The two had lead vastly different lives, but could still find commonality over a pizza.

"Oh, a lovely idea." Cora could only agree all too readily. "War has not been good for my nails. My vote is for the beach. Or maybe the mountains? Somewhere the temperate won't be too harsh on the skin."

Jasper Kai'el

 

[Jasper Kai'el]

Coruscant
Tags: Corazona von Ascania

​

"War has not been good for my nails. My vote is for the beach. Or maybe the mountains? Somewhere the temperate won't be too harsh on the skin."

"I like the sound of mountains," Jasper noted, scratching the scruff on his chin. "I always did enjoy the smell of pine needles... I'm sure there's somewhere that fits something like that. I can set aside some time for a little research into the matter."

At the very least Cora had jumped onto the new topic very quickly. That was something that was good. She wasn't letting all of the struggle of the past few months keep her from trying to re-adjust, even if it was very heavily weighing on her mind. It gave him hope that, even if things would never be the same for Cora again, she could at the very least return to a state in which she was truly happy. That was all he could really hope for.

After all, he couldn't force her to be happy. It was something she had to do on her own.

"Maybe I'll bug Braze about it," the knight laughed. "He knows more about traveling than I do. I'll bounce some ideas off of him next time we have a training session..."

Another one of his stresses. Jasper cared a lot about his student, especially when it came to his success. He wanted Braze to have what he hadn't as a padawan. The knight could really only hope that he was doing good. Training padawans was still uncharted waters for him, at least when it came to seeing them though to completion.

At the very least he hoped that Braze would make it through in one piece.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

"Pine can be pleasant." She nodded in agreement. "Clean and fresh. And festive, too, with Life Day coming up."

It was something that the younglings might enjoy, too. Life Day always made things feel a little brighter, a little more cheerful. The noble houses of Ukatis took turns hosting an annual Life Day ball, but given the state of things, she imagined that one would not be held.

This year, she'd likely spend it at the Noble homestead. Cora had mixed feelings about that, but things with her family were forever complicated.

"How is Braze doing?" The last time she'd seen him had been before Thule, when they'd gone with Shan to explore the crystal caves on Centerra. The Padawan had seemed a bit…overwhelmed after a certain point in the journey, which worried her. "Hopefully not giving you any grey hairs yet?"

Jasper Kai'el

 

[Jasper Kai'el]

Coruscant
Tags: Corazona von Ascania

​

"Braze is still in one piece," Jasper sighed. "That's about as okay as I can ask for right now. He's a good kid, just... a handfull. I'm worried about him getting in over his head, especially with the new war. I don't want him winding up like me... but I also don't have the heart to tell him what to do any more than basic advise. It's a complex balancing act."

It was hard being a teacher. He wanted to foster Braze's independance, but he also wanted to keep him as safe as he could manage. It was difficult to juggle both. In the end of the day, perhaps this was just like everything else that he did: Futile. An over extention of himself to grasp onto things that he could, in all reality, never truly control. It was just one more thing to stress him out as he tried to fulfill his duties to the best of his abilities.

"If I get grey hairs I hope that I go all grey quickly," he chuckled. "I feel like having streaks will make me look older."

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

"Older or distinguished?" She arched a brow. "If you do end up with greys, I can help you get them back to blonde."

When it came to beauty advice, Cora had unintentionally become the go-to for Padawans. She didn't tell Jasper that she hadn't bleached anyone's hair yet, but maybe it was better that way.

"It can be hard trying to help people the right way." There was a wistful note to her tone while acknowledging his struggles. "Especially someone as energetic as Braze."

It was a balancing act indeed. One that Cora wasn't sure if she'd ever have a firm handle on.

"I think we all get in over our head at some point. That's how we learn where our limits are." She shrugged. "It's still dangerous, though. Everything is for a Jedi. I can't deny the fact that I want to protect the younger generation, too."

Jasper Kai'el

 

[Jasper Kai'el]

Coruscant
Tags: Corazona von Ascania

​

"If you do end up with greys, I can help you get them back to blonde."

"Thanks," Jasper chuckled, "But I think I'd rather let it show if it does start going grey."

If it happened than it happened. He didn't really feel a strong urge to hide from the fact that he was aging. It was, of course, a natural part of life. Besides, beauty had never really been his thing. He was a mechanic at the end of the day, already the bottom of the barrel for standards of appeal to the eye. To say he didn't really care was an understatement. Still, he appreciated the gesture.

"I'm just... worried about what getting in over his head will look like for Braze," he sighed. "I... lost part of myself when I did..." He took a moment to flex his mechanical fingers. "Uncertainty really is a stressful thing, isn't it?"

Jasper took another bite of his pizza, letting out an exhale. The ultimatel folley of the Sentinel of Harmony, a man who placed all responsibility on his own shoulders. Even when they were completely out of his control. Ultimately he could not keep Braze from getting in over his head forever, and whenever that time came he knew that subconsciously he was going to place blame on himself. It wasn't healthy, and Jasper certainly was self-aware, but there was simply no way his mind could move around it.

"I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there," the knight decided with a shrug.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

Without comment, Cora nodded slowly. It seemed that almost no Padawan survived the Jedi Order without some sort of trauma, be it from Sith or other sources. She'd never been a teacher before, so she never thought about how it must feel to watch your student suffer something life-altering.

It made her wonder how Valery and Kahlil - and Jasper, too - felt when she'd assented to the marriage that had damaged her so much.

"We lead the kind of lives that are prone to us getting in over our heads." She smiled sadly, but there was some understanding there for his position. "I think I can appreciate what you're going through, a little bit. It's not exactly the same, but my younger brothers and sisters are growing up and finding their own paths."

Nibbling at her pizza, Cora chewed thoughtfully before swallowing. "Like Dominick. You've met him, right? He's a good kid with a kind heart and a good moral compass, and I'm proud of him, but I'm worried about what the galaxy will do to him. I know that he has to find himself, like Braze, but I can't help but want to throw a blanket over him and protect him."

Jasper Kai'el