Private Solace

[Darth Daiara]

War was everything she had feared and yet nothing had left her prepared. For her, Bastion had not been a war. It had not been not a battle. She had experienced an attack- an occupation. She had not witnessed the horde, nor had countless die at her side. Her failure at Bastion had been marked by a dance with death so sudden, she had not been there face the fall out.

She felt Dantooine in her bones.



Her return to Dromund Kaas was understated. No stolen ships, no dead jedi in cargo holds. No lethal wounds and newfound powers. Just a shuttle and her own two feet crunching over the family lawn. It was a quiet day, but she felt the weight of what she had seen inside every breath. The galaxy kept moving while her mind slowed down. Life waited for no one.

Death came without bias.

She wasn't allowed inside the family home, but she knocked twice anyways, hoping to catch her Master before her children awoke. It was early. Aradia's shoes squished with morning dew. She smelled of smoke and looked of battle. She hadn't even combed out her hair. How unlike her.

Master? She prompted, wearily skimming for life beyond the curtains.

There were things she needed to say.

Kaalia Pavanos

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

"I got it, miala!"

Kaalia wasn't expecting visitors today and definitely not at this house. She wasn't dressed for such an occasion, either. Dressed in an old shirt and the first pair of jeans she had pulled out of the drawer that day she shot down the stairs to answer the door, and she realized who it had to be just before she got there. She didn't really have the time to go get changed, though.

Oh well, what does it matter.

If one expected Kaalia to be sharply-dressed in the morning hours right after her four children woke up, they would be dead wrong. At least she had brushed her hair already.

When Kaalia opened the door and came face-to-face with Aradia, though, it was her apprentice who looked rougher. "Your look says it all," the woman remarked. Aradia had finally seen the true face of war, come to understand just how cruel the galaxy was. "Let me go fetch my shoes. We're going to take a walk."

"And Aradia," she added as she reached for her most comfortable pair, "I'm glad to see you're back in one piece." Kaalia looked over to her for a moment, and give her an approving nod.

Darth Daiara ​

 

[Darth Daiara]

Aradia looked down at herself, numbly noting that she was... in fact... in one piece.

Huh.

The achievement rang hollow when so many others had not pulled through themselves. She knew what Kaalia would say to that. There is nothing you can do but learn from their mistakes. It was wisdom she didn't know how to apply. Her emotions were meant to make her stronger, and yet they so often disabled her.

She knew it was a balance, but it all felt out of her reach. The world felt distant. Like she was existing inside cotton. Shock. She understood that. And still... she knew she would be expected to pull herself out of it.

"When you said this path wouldn't be easy, I did not think you meant like this," she finally uttered, their steps falling in sync as the family home was left behind them.

There were so many other things that needed saying, but they all paled to the admittance that she was struggling, greatly, with the world beyond the training rooms. For the first time in all of her apprenticeship, she felt unworthy. Weak. Like maybe she couldn't do this. It was one thing to push your body. But your mind? There was no cut and dry path on how to strengthen that.

Everyone else seemed so unaffected. It was a skill she needed desperately. She knew the risk of running off emotions alone.

"I need to be stronger."

Kaalia Pavanos

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

If the path to power was easy, then power would have been meaningless. Though many walked it, only few would see it through. But what those who looked up to the ones who had made it didn't see was that every single one of them struggled to get where they were now. Aradia was now coming to understand how difficult things were going to become, a point that Kaalia had also reached many years ago. This was where the girl would persevere, or fail.

"I was twenty years old," Kaalia began following a short silence. "I was part of a secret order named the Knights of Ren. They served the First Order of old from the shadows, directly under Sieger Ren, their Supreme Leader himself." Though she didn't look back at that time with much positivity, she had learned much about the Dark side. Above all, though, it was in that time when she met Ishana.

"Their members were blindly loyal to him. They would gladly lay down their lives in his name. I didn't share that fanaticism, and was shunned for it." It was this friction between herself and the group that drew the attention of the Sith, and eventually what got her removed from the Ren. "I felt lost. We all struggle, Aradia. I did too."

Kaalia turned her head from the path ahead of them to her apprentice. "But one thing in the back of my mind always kept me going. I had no other choice. The things I had built for myself, they were too precious to lose." The woman felt like she had no choice, back then. Now she was thankful for enduring everything she had to go through to stay true to herself.

"Had I given up and become like them, I would've died a nameless warrior on a battlefield. I would've lost my girlfriend, who is now my wife, and my chance at being truly free and happy. I chose to fight, despite being labeled a liability sooner or later. Now I'm here." A hand was placed on Aradia's shoulder as Kaalia came to a halt.

"Remember what you fight for. What you are seeking power for."

Darth Daiara ​

 

[Darth Daiara]

"Myself," Aradia answered, barely a whisper as she clung to the the point. She swallowed hard, her gaze slowly daring to pull up to Kaalia's She was afraid. Afraid that Kaalia would see the truths she was trying to hide. Afraid of the rejection that would surely come.

She didn't feel like some of the other Acolytes at the academies. She wasn't in it for the power, or the prestige that came with it. She could never reach any of that and that was fine. That was enough.

She was in it to stop them. Them-- every person that would try to put her down. The slave masters, other acolytes, and now... the Jedi. They would all sooner cheers to her death than leave her be. There was no coexisting. There was not space for both parties, they had made that clear. She was done being caught on her back foot.

"I'll never be like them," she admitted tightly. "I don't care about that ladder. I don't want to fill your shoes. These wars-- I don't want to rise to the top. I just want to be strong enough where it doesn't matter. And no matter how much that threatens them, I'm still untouchable."

Would that be enough for her wayward master? Kaalia had put down her mantel-- her name. She had detached herself from the very hierarchy that she sent Aradia in to protect.

The very hierarchy the girl was rebuking.

She wanted it all. She just wanted her way. She dared to think that might just be enough for Kaalia too.

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

"Then I have taught you well."

Kaalia smiled. Aradia had come to understand what it meant to hold power. Titles and imperial trappings were merely frail displays, but true power was found in self-determination. Hierarchal power had its place and could be a useful tool, but that was all it was. It wasn't the source of one's power, but a mere manifestation of it. Kaalia had used the titles she held to further her own goals while being of service to the empire, but when her work became less mutually beneficial, she stepped away.

"The titles I held meant little. The work I did for the empire was out of a give-and-take relationship, but I knew when I was beginning to give more than I received. My standing in the hierarchy had rewarded me greatly, until then."

The system the Sith had built promoted fanatic loyalty. It would benefit the few who truly understood what it meant to hold power as they ruled over the rest. Aradia wasn't like the loyalists, a fact Kaalia couldn't be happier about.

"Give the system just enough to be rewarded the things you desire, but never compromise your own goals," the Sith lady explained. The further Aradia progressed, the more of herself Kaalia saw in her. "You are seeking power for yourself. Tell me, what does that entail for you?"

Darth Daiara ​

 

[Darth Daiara]

Relief flooded through her, her heart soaring. She matched Kaalia's smile with one of her own, resuming her steps in their walk around the grounds.

Not for the first time, she counted herself lucky to have met the woman. Choosing Kaalia as her Master continued to be the best decision she had ever had the freedom to make. Even at the hardest points, the woman had only ever pushed her for her best. She wanted Aradia to succeed. If that was not love, then the galaxy was a fool. Under Kaalia's approval, her posture straightened. She crossed her arms behind herself as she walked, answering with confidence.

"It means I'm strong. It means I control it. ...It changes me sometimes," she admitted, frustrated. "I try to use my emotions and I lose control-- I don't want that. I need to be me, just... better. And then... I want to make them all stop." The words fell like a vow out of her, passion entering her tone. There was very little that ever pulled an emotional response out of her. Failure and Bastion were high on that list, and now...

"I want to end the Jedi."

Before they ended her. Or worse. Her master's family.

"How can I do it? How can I control the Darkside?"

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

Kaalia listened, but instead of simply answering Aradia's questions and leaving it at that, she reflected on what her apprentice was truly saying. The girl clearly had seen much; her hatred for the Jedi had grown to become intense. If that was her ultimate goal, though, she was going to need a reality check more than anything.

"The spirit of the Jedi is more than just the people who wear that title. It's an idea, and those cannot be killed." If someone as powerful as Darth Carnifex couldn't do it, there wasn't a chance anyone could. It was better to learn that sooner rather than later. "If that is what you seek power for, you will forever lose control as you take step after step towards more. When you pursue an impossible goal, you will always need more power." And power always came at a cost.

"Part of embracing the Dark side is toeing the line and going one step too far. Only then will you know how far you can go," Kaalia continued as she felt the holodevice in her pocket buzz. It could wait, Ishana surely had the children under control. The redhead would be back before too long. "But equally important is knowing how far you must go. You could be the most powerful being in the galaxy, but what if your goals don't require it?" There was a reason why Kaalia never made an attempt to seize the throne.

"Let me rephrase the question. What personal goal are you seeking power for? What is it you want to gain?"

Darth Daiara ​

 

[Darth Daiara]

Aradia's head spun, the conundrum Kaalia brought to light having no easy answer.

Where was the line. What was too much? ... If she couldn't end the jedi, then what could she do? She was silent, clearly lost to this, until Kaalia's question brought her back around.

She let out a slow breath, struggling with even that one. She wasn't often pressed to answer to her motivations like this. Was there such thing as a wrong answer? "I..." she started, her rhymatic steps centering her. She had been so centered once upon a time. So precise. Now she felt like a plucked thread unraveling at will.

"When you first found me I just didn't want to be hurt anymore. I just-... wanted to own myself. And then it was I just wanted to be good enough-- for you-- I wanted to earn my place." She rubbed at her face, soot from her flames smearing across her chin. "But it's different out there. It's not enough, I'm not enough. And they'll kill me, Kaalia. They'll kill me first chance they get. And you, and Dromund Kaas, and never mind trying to make friends. They're all die too."

Her face contorted, pinching back a violent wave of tears. She stopped in place and turned away, the sudden grief crashing into her. It tried to bring her to her knees. It failed, her hands wrapping tight around herself as she keep it all together.

"I want to make them stop." She answered tightly, only half the truth told. Her head turned to the side as Kaalia's holopad buzzed, the meaning behind it shining light to the pit inside her chest.

She was alone now. How could she ever repair that with the attacks that continued to take those around her away?

"I need them to."

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

Suddenly, Kaalia understood. All Aradia had seen for too long was war and death. In her efforts to teach her apprentice to gain power so she could achieve her goals, the Sith lady had never stopped to think about what Aradia had to fight for. While Kaalia sought freedom, she found people she wanted to protect. She always had a goal, something to justify her path, but things weren't the same for Aradia. While she was finding power, she had no reason to wield it other than to simply cause destruction.

"Perhaps right now, they could kill you," Kaalia answered, seeing no reason not to be honest. "You are still learning, growing. There's a reason you aren't a Knight yet, and you're not anywhere behind schedule." Growth took time. She was vulnerable still, but such was the way of life. It was Kaalia's responsibility to ensure she'd get somewhere, as long as she was capable.

"But there are two ways to deal with an enemy. You either seek their utter destruction, or ensure that they won't even try to bring you down. Trust me, the second is infinitely easier." Of course, if Aradia wanted to rule an empire, it would've been a whole different story, but Kaalia doubted she did. "But I want you to forget about all of it for a little while." She came to a halt, again.

"I'm pulling you away from the battlefield for now. You're learning how to fight, but have nothing to fight for." Her voice was stern. Aradia knew it well, when Kaalia talked like this, there was no debating.

"I want you to explore who you are. Your wants, your needs. I don't care how you do it. I'll even help you if you don't know where to start. You're not a slave anymore, and life isn't just about war and conflict." She'd force her into socializing if she had to.

"Your next objective is to go out there and figure out what you want in life."

Darth Daiara ​

 

[Darth Daiara]

"What?" Aradia breathed, unable to see the wisdom behind the move. It only felt like a punishment. A step down. For being emotional? For questioning things?

Was she really that bad?

Kaalia had given her a chance-- the freedom to fill the hole in her chest and find something that would ground her against the fall. All Aradia saw was the removal of the only purpose she had.

A shaking filled her core, tears and anger bubbling forward as one as she stared up at the woman. Rejection ran deep, along with the senseless fear that the unknown brought to her. What was she if not an acolyte? How could she ever answer that question-- no. Give her it back! Her words amounted to nothing more than a frustrated scream, the corruption she had endured showing in a sudden lash of fire that struck at Kaalia's feet. There was barely enough restraint to prevent injury, the barest sliver that Aradia burned desperately to release.

Aradia had never lashed out at the woman before. She wanted to again, her chin raised as the darkside boiled inside of her.


"Take that back!"

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

"Are you sure you want me to?" Kaalia's tone was calm and inquisitive, showing no reaction to the lash of flame that Aradia struck the ground before her with.

Kaalia could see Aradia losing herself to the Dark side, right in front of her eyes. This had hardly been the first time, but she wasn't going to force her apprentice to take a step back this time. She had to do it herself now. At this moment, Aradia had to choose who she wanted to be. If she wanted to live for war, then nothing but war she would see.

"I could easily let you go right back to the front lines, and nothing will change. You will fight, you will witness death, and find more reasons to seek power for the sole reason of survival." Despite Aradia's tantrum, Kaalia was completely calm. Becoming a mother had taught her patience like the wisest of teachers.

"If this is the life you want, I'm not going to stop you. But if you take a moment to think, maybe you will understand that living for war is not living. You came here a mess, and we both know why." Aradia wasn't like a normal apprentice who grew up in the academy and got to develop herself as a person. That needed to change, which Kaalia was presenting her the opportunity to.

"I will put it bluntly. You need to figure out who you actually are."

Darth Daiara ​

 

[Darth Daiara]

"I am your apprentice," she uttered, unwilling to let the phrase go. She stepped forward, flames flairing around her hand as she jammed at the ground. "It's who I chose to be. It's who you made me. It's all I am-- It's all I want to be!"

Yet Kaalia's words were having weight. At the back of Aradia's mind, her rational side was listening and trying to comply. She had proven to be nothing but a willing and reasonable pupil, but all that stopped mattering when the corruption came to play. She turned away from Kaalia, smoke pouring from her fist as she squeezed it close.

If you take a moment to think, maybe you will understand that living for war is not living.

A simple set of words nearly slipped through her lips, only to be stopped and helped tight inside of her.

I live for you.

Kaalia would hate hearing that. That wasn't what she was teaching her. That wasn't freedom, it was more servitude. She could hear Kaalia's voice so clear in her mind, delivering the response with that frustratingly calm tone.

She didn't care if it was right or wrong. It was what she wanted. Serving Kaalia was all she had. Take that away and...

It was like learning how to pick her clothing all over again. Their first day together-- the swath of unknown variables that came with each and every choice. Yet she didn't want that in this moment. It was frightening. Kaalia was steadfast and safe.

Freedom

was

frightening

Another scream pulled from her chest, a whole inferno of flames shooting off of her in a circle. By the time the blistering heat settled, Kaalia was shown nothing but Aradia's retreating back, the girl setting ablaze every bush in her way.