Smell the Flowers and Blow Out the Candles

[NightSister]

Several days had passed since Aria had made the decision that self-training would prove fruitless so long as she remained as she was - that to be a Jedi Master, first she had to make sure that she was still a Jedi. This was more than a question of her emotional stance; if the one who'd trained her hadn't been a Jedi himself - which he hadn't, and Aria was still bitter on that matter - then she herself felt unfit to claim the title. That, and she otherwise felt that the two halves of Aria Vale, Jedi Knight were separating, thought what else this was owed to she remained unclear.

It was probably her fault, to be fair. Ever since her Knighthood, Aria had relaxed her caution of Darksiders so totally that she had even begun to seek out their history. She'd told herself it was research, and that was what it had felt like - but all the times she'd run into and engaged with Sith and Dark Jedi alike; those she couldn't call research. It hadn't seemed like a danger. She was a Knight, after all; the rank certified that she was a Jedi, that she had reached a new level within the Order. But as it turned out, it had been, perhaps not obviously, but enough that Aria had become so casual in her approach to the Dark that perhaps she herself was losing hold of the Light. Then it remained that she was totally to blame for having been oblivious to Connor's fall. Aria wasn't sure whether she believed that had she caught wind, she'd have been able to change his mind, but it still stung to think of how happy she'd been not to realise what was going on until it was staring her in the eye.

But now it came time to fix what had gone wrong and to recover her Jedi persona. After some thinking on the subject of whom she could trust with the task, Joza Perl had come to mind; though she knew the Master to have had some discrepancies of her own in the past, she felt that the Zeltron's roots were in the Light and with the Jedi Order, whereas it did indeed, however much it hurt, make more sense that Connor's had turned out to be with the Dark Side.

And so Aria had asked to meet the Silver Master inside the temple grounds, hoping that Joza could help put her back on the right track. She wasn't sure how such a thing would come to pass; she only prayed that somehow, in some way, it would.

[member="Joza Perl"]

 

[Joza Perl]

In a way, Joza figured that everyone was made up of little bits and pieces of the people important to them. Not necessarily just friends and lovers, but enemies and various figures of influence. Anyone who had an impact, good, bad or otherwise. And while everyone was a culmination of their experiences, she had to wonder what lead [member="Aria Vale"] to willingly seek her out.

If anything, the Zeltron was quietly aware of her own reputation. On occasion she’d catch younglings and Padawans murmuring about the pink-skinned vixen as she walked by, their mutterings having increased moreso since she’d been pregnant with a supposedly fatherless child. How typical for someone of her race to shrug off the baby’s paternal identity—but it was something she used to her advantage given that the truth was far more troubling. Busying herself with Heartbeat House and eventually her father’s pharmaceutical company, Joza didn’t have to struggle to find and excuse to ignore the whispered rumors once Alan had been born. He’d quickly become the light in her eyes and the spring in her step, and she was determined to set a good example for him. Let them talk all they wanted. Joza Perl knew who she was.

Her neutrality in the Force tracked more towards the Light in the recent months.

Making her way through one of the side courtyards, Joza took a long swig from her bottle of water as she headed towards where Aria had asked to meet her. The Zeltron was clad in form fitting exercise wear, her thick red hair up with the help of a few clips and a headband. Even before she’d gotten into speaking range with the young Knight, something felt off. “Aria,” She greeted the other woman brightly, noting the vaguely troubled aura radiating from her. It didn’t take an empath to guess that something wasn’t right. “How’ve you been? Is everything alright?” Her head tilted to the side, voice light, curious and testing.

 

[NightSister]

Turning at the sound of a familiar voice, Aria panicked again. She hadn't told anybody exactly how she'd wound up without a Master - nobody had yet thought to ask, which was a relief, because Aria had all she needed to ostracize Connor from the Order and she couldn't decide whether she'd lie to keep him out of trouble or not. But even if she hadn't had faith in Joza's skill as an empath to figure out if she was tinkering with the truth, doing so wouldn't be a helpful way to start off. If Aria's words led to something less than positive on Connor's behalf...fine. He'd brought it on himself.

"Joza," she said in reply, trying and failing to match the Zeltron's cheerful tone. "Thanks for coming. I've been..." a pause, a look to both sides. "Connor's left the Jedi. For good, I think. And I...oh, hell - I don't know if he ever was one."

And there it was. She had said it - now even she couldn't pretend that the words held no truth, as she had tried to for days after the revelation was first made. What would it result in? Aria remembered from the skirmish on Ruusan that the two were friendly; whether that friendship extended so far as to keeping quiet about something like abandoning the Order was an unlikely possibility, and whether she wanted it kept quiet anymore was a matter she was even more hesitant on. Perhaps it wasn't the Jedi way for hunting down those who left the Order simply for having done so, but if he proved a danger - which Aria felt too certain that he would - then there would be trouble. But Aria had insisted to herself that it wasn't her fault if his actions were condemned accordingly: she didn't try to take the words back.

"And I'm afraid now that it means that I'm not a Jedi if he trained me, and, um, I hoped you could help me with that."

[member="Joza Perl"]

 

[Joza Perl]

Joza watched Aria patiently, keeping track of the young woman’s body language as she spoke, trying to discern what was troubling her. Given that they didn’t know eachother well, it was difficult to get a solid handle on what she was feeling, and Joza was loathe to try and worm her way into the mind of an ally and possible friend unless under pressing circumstance. “He what?” Her demeanor hardened suddenly, though out of shock and not anger. Connor Harrison left the Order? There was a good joke if she’d ever heard one. The Connor Harrison she knew was viewed as a strong, confident pillar of the Silver Jedi.

Images of what he’d told her of Korriban and their meeting after whirled in her mind, and for a few moments after Aria was finished, Joza did not speak. Finally, she would let out a quick breath. “Oh, Aria…come, let’s sit first.” Motioning for the Knight to follow her, she took a seat on one of the low courtyard walls framing a garden. They had barely started, and already it seemed like a lot needed to be said.

“What happened with Connor? Did he hurt you?” Connor was a man who walked between Light and Dark, and unfortunately Joza had been on the receiving end of the Dark’s bitter hand quite a few times. There were those of the Darker might—not Sith, mind you!—that she’d come to trust, but on a whole she was wary. Alignment was a tricky concept, and right now she wasn’t so much concerned with where [member="Aria Vale"] stood on the convoluted scale as she was with what had transpired between her and the other Rogue Master. Aria looked up to Connor, and it was easiest for the people you trusted to hurt you.

Questions burned in her mind, but she settled on keeping things slow and gradual, giving Aria room to speak as she needed.

 

[NightSister]

It came as something of a relief that Joza was evidently as shocked as Aria had been upon the realisation. Granted, Aria had reacted very badly to the discovery where Joza - predictably, in accordance with her rank - was handling the shock much better, but that the news had come as a surprise to somebody besides herself made her feel slightly better. She'd spent days convinced that she should've seen it coming; it helped to know that another of Connor's close circle had not expected the news.

At the gestured request, Aria followed and sat down. She'd be lying if she'd said that she wasn't dying to get everything off her chest, but words had consequences - no matter how in-depth her explanation went, Aria knew she would be choosing hers carefully.

"Not - not like you mean." That in mind, she wouldn't altogether lie. "It was a training session, the first or second with Connor since I got my Knighthood, I think. It was partly my fault; I got frustrated, I was being kind of difficult, but he tried to end the lesson - and then my training with him. So I...lost my temper, and so did he. Him more than me." She stopped, realising how rigidly she was sitting, and tried to relax her tensed muscles.

"He went all Sith on me, you know, use your rage and the like. I don't know, I think - Korriban was pretty stressful for him, and I guess he's got some grudge against the Order from the past? Either way, he's decided that the Jedi hold him back and he wants to go off and do...something, I'm still not totally sure. He - wanted me to come with him." And you almost came, her inner voice said snidely, but she tried to ignore it. She was still here, trying to remain a Jedi, and Connor wasn't. That had to count for something, right?

"I don't know when he actually left Voss, but I haven't seen him around since. Oh - and he showed up when we were on Drongar, but he didn't start anything, not that I'm aware of. I think he was there just to make a point." She hoped, anyway.

[member="Joza Perl"]

 

[Joza Perl]

Joza listened to Aria speak, concern etching her face as [member="Aria Vale"] dug deep into her own conscience to try and find the right words to convey what had happened between her and Master Harrison. Whatever had transpired had weighed heavily on her mind since then, that much Joza could tell, and she silently commended the young woman for seeking help and having the courage to talk about such a distressing topic.

Nodding slowly, the Zeltron crossed her legs at the knee and placed her folded hands in her lap. “It certainly does sound like he’s stressed, and that sort of thing does make us lash out more readily. I’d spoken to him after Korriban first hand, so I think you’re right in that being one of his stressors. But…” She frowned suddenly, her gaze unfocusing for a moment over Aria’s head before moving back to take in the young woman before her. A Knight of the Order, a proud warrior journeying through Light and Dark who’d come to grow so much since she’d first joined. “I’m concerned that he tried to get you to use your rage as fuel. Though some of our own dabble in the dark—even myself at times—it is a slippery slope.” Unclasping her hands, she rested a hand on Aria’s shoulder and squeezed gently, thumb brushing against her back in a short rhythm.

Joza wasn’t sure if Aria was ready for that sort of thing, and would argue that she herself would never fully recover from her own dealings with the Sith. “I’m glad that you didn’t go with him, Aria. I can tell that Connor means a lot to you, and it took a good deal of courage to not follow him into a situation that makes you uncomfortable. Going against our mentors when we legitimately believe something to be wrong is a sign that we're growing. Not just as Jedi, but as people.” A soft smile to match her gentle touches. “You’ve always had a certain strength to you. I knew from that time on Ruusan.”

Searching the Knight’s face, she posed a question. “Why is being a Jedi so important to you, Aria?”

 

[NightSister]

Perhaps someone else would be grateful for Joza's attempts to praise and comfort her. Perhaps she really ought to - and yet somehow they felt wrong. Not as though she was being lied to, but as though Joza was simply mistaken, or seeing her in a different light. Aria didn't feel as though she'd grown from having Connor up and go, she didn't feel as though she was strong; she'd never felt further from strength. She felt weak and overly dependent, but she didn't try to disagree. What would be the point?

And of course she was concerned about what effect her words would have on Connor's status within the Order. She knew that she shouldn't be, but she was. Aria felt confident that Connor wouldn't be in trouble simply for being a Sith or Dark Jedi or whatever it was he was playing at being, but it went further than that. He'd done plenty that would make him a criminal as far as the Order was concerned; if the Jedi sought retribution, he'd know she was at the heart of it. Aria kept trying to tell herself that such was irrelevant, but it was difficult to ignore.

Then at the question, Aria bristled. The question in itself wasn't unreasonable in the slightest - it would've been harmless had it not become harder to answer every time Aria asked herself. Of course she stayed out of loyalty, both as a Jedi and from having promised to her parents; but she felt certain it wasn't answer enough. Spite played a part now to, thanks to Connor, but that wasn't it either. In truth, she wasn't certain what it was - she just knew, in her head, or in her heart, or perhaps it was just an imitation of one or the other, that she couldn't leave. Didn't make for much of an answer.

"I guess I'm afraid," she said finally. The most reproached motivation for a Jedi it might be, but fear was the best thing she could think of to describe her thoughts. "I've made promises, it's the only future I've ever envisioned. I don't know what I'd be if I left. It would feel like failing, you know?"

[member="Joza Perl"]

 

[Joza Perl]

It was almost like looking into a mirror. A peachier mirror, sure. But the uncertainty in oneself and your teachings had plagued Joza for a long time. Even now, she was still in the process of learning about herself and where she belonged. But the more time went on, the more she wondered if the process was the destination. Maybe the feelings of ambiguity didn’t go away; you just learned how to deal with them.

“I do know.” Nodding slowly, Joza drew he focus away from Aira and out towards the gardens as she thought about how she really, really knew what it was like to fail. To feel your own image of yourself slip away and to be left with nothing but a shell of what you thought you were. It was an experience worse than homesickness, losing an identity you were struggling to craft. It made your gut twist with uncertainty and sometimes it bloated your conscious until it burst.

Placing her palms on the soft grass behind her, Joza leaned her weight onto her hands. “I’d worry less about what it takes to be a Jedi right now,” Turning her head towards her companion, the Zeltron gave her a firm stare—eyes hard, but the rest of her face delicately soft to create an odd contrast. “And more about Aria. Jedi aside, what sort of person do you want to become? What are your desires and hopes?” A pause, and she inhaled slowly. “Is there a part of you that wanted to go with Connor?”

[member="Aria Vale"]

 

[NightSister]

Had a part of her wanted to go with Connor? Internally, Aria groaned. She'd hovered over the entrance to his room for hours, her hand a milimetre from opening the door so that she could tell Connor she would leave the Order with him. How honest was too honest? How honest was enough to make Joza decide that Aria was beyond repair or redemption, pat her apologetically on the shoulder as she suggested she find her calling elsewhere?

"Of course there was." Aria exhaled, waiting for such a reaction to come. "How could I not? He helped me so much - even when he was going on about leaving the Jedi, it felt like he was still trying to help me. That's probably what he thought he was doing, in fact. But that's not the point! I don't want to be the kind of person that gives up everything they've worked for just like that. I'm supposed to be better than that!"

She was getting frustrated now, wasn't she? Was that bad? No, it made sense. She had to make it totally clear that she hadn't and wouldn't abandon the Jedi for Connor's sake, and if that required that she speak a bit louder then that was just fine. She wouldn't, would she? No, she'd spent long enough on that matter, for goodness' sake. Connor was gone, and she hadn't gone with him. She had to focus on now.

[member="Joza Perl"]

 

[Joza Perl]

The lure of the Dark side was not something so unfamiliar to Joza. She’d felt it’s sickly seductive call a handful of times, and it was never when she was feeling confident or good about herself. The Dark preyed on insecurities and doubt, on second thoughts and morbid curiosity. The Zeltron had to guess that she was roughly Aria’s age when she’d shambled her way back to Voss to seek help, clouded, confused and angry with the Dark might. From where she was standing, Aria wasn’t doing too badly compared to her own venture in the dark. Not against what Joza had experienced and what she’d done in her younger years—and even roughly a year ago, when she’d given herself to…

She’d been clean since then.

Aria was troubled, that was for sure. Having someone important—a close friend, mentor, lover—suddenly turn was enough to throw anyone off balance and question their own beliefs and values. “Aria,” She paused to take a swig of water from her bottle before offering it to the other woman. Her raised voice drew the glances of a passing pack of Padawans who promptly turned their attention back to each other at the look from the Zeltron. “Why did you come to me with this? Not that I’m not willing to help you, of course.” Her tone was steady and curious, not accusatory at all.

At the very least, she was seeking help.

[member="Aria Vale"]

 

[NightSister]

For all her faults - and she wouldn't lie; Aria knew she had several - the Echani had never thought herself to be unreasonable. Confused, naive, easily led astray: but never the sort to start things for no reason. She was an avoider by nature, always preferring to deal with confrontation n the most passive manner she could; that trait, at least, was one that aligned with the distinguishably Jedi approach to conflict quite easily. But when she, who hadn't been herself for a while, was trying to come back to being a Jedi...well, things changed then. Only a little bit. But sometimes that was all it took.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Her eyes narrowed in an uncharacteristically cynical fashion; she declined to take a drink from the offered bottle with a weakly dismissive gesture, but she remained otherwise impassive. The word willing was enough for Aria to suddenly, on impulse, create strife. Bad idea.

"I - I was with the Order on Balmorra, when you were..." ooh, how to word this correctly? "When you were with the One Sith. And there's, uh - nevermind. I thought, since you haven't always - you know - been a Jedi -" oh dear, that would almost definitely offend - "and you know Connor well, I thought you'd be able to help." She shifted uncomfortably where she sat, feeling certain she'd made things worse. Was this really helping achieve her goal? Why was it even her goal? Oh, not again. Whatever she was trying to achieve, this wasn't helping. The lack of success was entirely down to her, of course, but she was doing what she could.

[member="Joza Perl"]

 

[Joza Perl]

The shift in Aria did not go unnoticed, and it caused Joza to wonder if she’d inadvertently tripped some sensitive area in the other woman. As the Knight narrowed her eyes, the Master’s brows raised as if to field the unexpected reaction. And then, the reasoning followed.

At the mention of Balmorra, her heart skipped a nauseating beat. She’d always consider her time on the Sith world to be one of her low points, though perhaps not the lowest. It was right now that she began to understand—was Aria coming to her because she saw in herself some of the traits that Joza had after Balmorra? Perhaps she was reading into this too much, trying to draw connections that weren’t really there. The thought was tucked into the back of her mind for now. “Captured by.” Her voice was firm in correcting her time with the One Sith, but not because of anything Aria had done. Joza took another swig of water before wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “I was enslaved personally to a Sith Inquisitor. She was ordered to bring me to the One Sith base on Balmorra when it was discovered that she’d had a Jedi Knight in her grasp.” As she spoke, Joza’s gaze drifted from Aria and out to into the distance, unfocusing to the point where all she saw were the soft pastel hues of the gardens as they blended together.

The rest of the story was far more personal and something that she’d rather leave untold. Ultimately, she’d escaped with a different Sith Knight—her lover at the time—and the pair left Balmorra space. An eruption of an argument followed, and she disappeared from his side, unable to get a handle on what she was feeling or how to conduct herself. “You’re right.” In an instant, the wavering darkness of her more painful memories seemed to drain and Joza’s attention was back on Aria, a vague smile on her face. “My time spent with the Sith was not pleasant, and it broke me down to the point where I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I was directionless—I didn’t know who I was, and I couldn’t feel anything aside from confusion and hurt. I’d slipped through the cracks, so to speak. Even after the Silver Jed came to Balmorra, no one really seemed to care where I was.” Resting an elbow on her knee, she placed her chin in her palm and blew out a sharp breath. “I went a little haywire after that. It got to the point where I attacked an old friend with malicious intent, but after a while I couldn’t stomach what had done any longer, so I shambled my way back to Voss. Connor Harrison was the first to meet me there, and…okay, maybe I was being a little too dramatic. Dressed in all black and no makeup. Can you imagine?”

If one though that adult Joza was dramatic, then they’d never met teenaged Joza. Delving into memories a bit more vivid than she would have liked, the Zeltron continued on, albeit with a crease in her brow. “I was so sure that I’d been beyond redemption that I gave him my saber and asked him to kill me if I was no longer welcome on Voss. Dramatic, but I’d truly believed that there was no way that I’d ever feel better again. Even now, there are parts of myself that I’ll never get back.” A pause. “But I learned to create an outlet for that pain.”

Idly cracking the knuckles of her other hand, Joza’s gaze focused on Aria’s face. Watching for a reaction, for anything. “That is my long winded way of answering you. I am not a Jedi, or at least not in the traditionalist sense. I don't place much stock in titles anymore. I’ve found purpose in my work as well as motherhood, and that keeps me in decent graces with the Silvers.”

“You’re doubting yourself and your teachings, aren’t you?” Stretching her arms out in front of her, she grimaced for the briefest moment before hearing a pop from one of her shoulders. Sighing in satisfaction, she placed her palms behind her and leaned her weight back onto her arms. “I get it. It’s like, the worst feeling, but it’s not the end. As for Connor…” Her lips pursed in thought. “I’m not sure. I’ll have to talk to him for myself soon and see what’s going on. But for now, it’s pretty clear that you lack purpose. Or am I wrong?” Posing a question that had gone unanswered earlier, she prompted Aria once more. “Why did you come to the Silver Jedi?"

[member="Aria Vale"]