Private Shiraya Falls: The Visit

[Cybelle Sal-Soren]

Tag: Brandyn Sal-Soren

…Shock and disbelief…

Those were the most prominent and profound emotions that had filled her heart when word of Brandyn's incarceration and charges made its way to her. She'd wrestled with it. The truth of it. The heart of it. At first, she'd been in denial. It had to be a mistake. There had to be a reason for it. There had to be a point of no return in which he had no choice. There had to be some kind of reasonable explanation that would absolve him of wrongdoing.

There had to be. There just had to be.

But…

There wasn't.

Cybelle was certain that some members of the Jedi Order and Galactic Alliance would seek to rationalize it as a justified killing. It happened. The Jedi served beneath a nation that was oft threatened by outside threats and there were times when the final solution seemed to be the only way. War was all that many Jedi had known for the last decade. They lost sight, lost perspective, and lost the distinction between taking a life for what was necessary to maintain galactic peace? And…Vengeance. Revenge...

Those were hallmarks of a Sith. Not, a fully rational Jedi.

The young Knight arrived at the holding center late in the evening. Her love for Brandyn conflicted harshly with her moral and ethical beliefs. She struggled with the knowledge that someone she loved and adored had caused irreparable harm and had taken justice into their own hands, and it clashed brutally with her personal commitments to fairness and peace. More than anything…She tried to understand. Cybelle knew Brandyn, better than anyone, and this…This just wasn't him.

This was a product of grief, insurmountable, grief.

In truth?

Cybelle should have pushed harder. She should have insisted on traveling with him rather than thinking she was respecting a need for space. She should have seen this coming and SHE should have been the one to prevent it. To love him, shelter him, when he needed it most.

It seemed that the occupants of the prison cells were resting when she arrived and she found herself peering into the dim lighting of the one Brandyn was assigned to. She could feel him, there. She could always feel him. Just lingering on the surface of her mind like warm sunshine or a comforting cloud that provided just the right amount of shade. This place wasn't meant for comfort and the guards would tense at the sight of the lightsaber on her hip. At the jade battle robes that all but heralded her status as a Knight of the Jedi Order. Was she there to visit?

To break him out?

The cold, sterile environment of the detention center did little to quell the turmoil Cybelle acutely felt but kept shielded. They were separated by a transparent barrier that felt like a chasm…But the young woman slowly dropped down to her knees and rest back on her haunches. Quiet. Meditating, until Brandyn was ready to talk. "I'm here.", were the only words she gave, her hood drawn, while she maintained serenity to the best of her ability. It was hard. The code taught them that there was no emotion, that, there was only peace.

Cybelle found no peace in this.

 

[Brandyn Sal-Soren]

It was the day he had long anticipated with mounting trepidation. He sat on the floor, legs crossed. Meditation was difficult when he knew she was visiting. He wanted to see her, to hear her laughter, see her smile. He longed to hold her. Be with her. Do anything but confront their reality. The reality of his making.

He was unworthy. He knew this for sure now.

Before she came into view. He felt her presence, and the burden that hung about her heart. It was a burden for him. Because of him. He ached inside. She had warned them. He still felt the warmth of her embrace and the wisdom of her words. He had flaunted her wisdom and risked ever holding her again…for what…hollow vengeance?

Regret was real.

When Cybelle stepped into view, Brandyn’s eyes dropped to the floor and his shoulders sunk. He could not look at her, despite so longing to see her. Her’s was a beauty that he was unworthy to behold. Her’s was a love he had not treasured as he said he would. He had killed a man in cold blood. He had betrayed her.

His chest heaved with gentle, quiet, tearless sobs.

She spoke, but he remained silent. He could not reply. Would not admit the truth.

The truth was plain as the charges laid against him. For her, to protect her, there was nothing he would not do.

Brandyn Sal-Soren, Jedi Knight, was scared of himself.

| Cybelle Sal-Soren |​

 

[Cybelle Sal-Soren]

Tag: Brandyn Sal-Soren

Cybelle felt an intractable weight pressing down on her shoulders. It was a burden that was made even more oppressive, crushing, when she caught the silhouette of Brandyn's subdued form. She had thought that she was prepared for what she might find within this prison but…Nothing could have truly readied her for the spill of emotion that ran betwixt them like a river. His pain was palpable, a tangible force that resonated deeply, stirring a tempest of emotions that threatened to undermine the quiet she so desperately sought to maintain.

As he averted his gaze, unable to meet her eyes, Cybelle's heart clenched. She understood the depth of his distress, the regret that gnawed at his soul. Yet, despite the chasm of sorrow that lay between them, her resolve remained unshaken. She was here, not just as a Jedi, but as the one who loved him more than anything else in the galaxy, even in the face of his darkest moment.

Especially, in his darkest moment.

She wished more than anything when his shoulders moved, chest heaving, that she could wave away this force field and hold him. It would have been easy. To punch a hole through it and take her love in her arms and soothe away every wound he suffered. But…She couldn't. He had taken a life. Not because he had to or because he'd been protecting anyone—But because at the moment he'd wanted to. They had so much power at their fingertips. So often, they were told they were in the right. So often, they were praised for completing their duties… No matter how violent the outcome.

She couldn't hold him. She couldn't fix this. She couldn't change it…But she could love him.

That was the one thing she knew how to do without question.

"Brandyn…", Cybelle finally spoke, her voice a soft beacon in the gloom. "…I can feel you. Every bit of you. This is such a heavy burden to bear and I promise...You don't need to hide from me. This was something that you were never meant to carry….You don't need to do it alone.", She paused, her own heart aching with the need to reach out, to bridge the gap that physical barriers and remorse had erected between them. She wanted to reach through this divide and find him on the other side. "Let me help you."

She raised a hand and placed it on the barrier. Not to break it, but to draw him closer. The hood of her jade robes retracted and auburn hair spilled down over her slender shoulders. Her eyes were filled with unspoken, sorrow, and confusion. Her thoughts kept returning to the Jedi Code that she had sought hard to honor. There was no emotion, there was peace…

And yet—They were all beings of emotion. It was not the absence of it but their mastery over it that defined them. Cybelle had let him down. So many times. It was her fault that Baros Sal-Soren was dead. It was her fault that Teyla Sal-Soren rest in a cold grave beside him. She hadn't been strong enough to protect one or save the other no matter how hard she'd tried. She couldn't help them.

Maybe, just maybe, she could help him.

"I love you and I'm not going anywhere.", the young woman implored, her posture shifting, to one of openness. Cybelle couldn't do much…She wasn't a lawyer or some famous Jedi philosopher. But she could give him her heart, again, and again. It hadn't belonged to her in a very long time anyway. "Please…Let me…"

 

[Brandyn Sal-Soren]

“No.”

It was all he said for a time. A single word to stop her pleading. But it fell with a thud into the burgeoning conversation. Was this a no to her request, or a no to her presence…or more? Brandyn didn’t know. Within the storm, he felt directionless, as if all outcomes were possible.

“You have seen within me.”

They had shared many an intimate moment embracing each other’s consciousness and opening their minds to one another. He knew Cybelle as well as he could know her, and still recent revelations of hers had shown that he did not know everything, or perhaps never could. Everyone had secrets, and you could keep it even from those that you opened up to the most.

”Did you ever see this within me? Because now that I know its there…I can see it always was…and always will be…”

Hands covered his face, still refusing to look at the woman that would be his wife. The one who could bring him to his knees in shame as in this moment.

“…I can’t lose you…like I lost my parents…I don’t know what I would do…”

He was getting another headache.

“…perhaps the best way to protect you…”

| Cybelle Sal-Soren |​

 

[Cybelle Sal-Soren]

Tag: Brandyn Sal-Soren

“I was only asking to be polite.”

The words were stated plainly and without any animosity. As if she expected some resistance from her presence and her unwillingness to spurn him. He knew exactly what he'd done. Brandyn didn't need her to reiterate what was already playing in his mind like a holo stuck on repeat.

He asked if she had seen “this” within him and her expression remained quiet. “Did you see my death in me?”

Cybelle had hidden the truth of Exegol even from herself. When she had spoken of it to Briana she had been numb with shock, fear, and anxiety. Too afraid that she might have become everything she'd spent her young life fighting against. “There are some things we aren't meant to know. Some things, that aren't predetermined, that even as powerful as we are... We're just like everyone else. Blind.”

She knew that Brandyn would do anything for his family and the people he loved. Anything. Even, if that meant sacrificing his own goodness to ensure they spent just one more moment in the sun.

It was part of the reason she'd fallen for him. Her hand remained on the barrier. Just... Waiting for him.

She had always been waiting for him.

“Do you love me?”

“You know the answer. But I do not deserve…”

“Do you love me?”

“Does it matter now?”

“Brandyn Sal-Soren... Do you love me or not?”

“I…I…I am a murderer…”

“Does that change how you feel for me? Do you not care for me anymore?”

“No…you do not hear me…”

“I hear you perfectly well. You're the one not hearing me...”, she returned softly and equally quietly, Cybelle asked him again. “...Do you love me?”

“I must be punished for my crimes,” he said quickly.

“You will be - In a court of law. Do you love me?”

“Cybelle…I wish only to protect you…”

“I'm not a child. I'm going to be your wife... Do you love me?”

“You know the answer.”

“I need to hear you say it. You need to hear it. One last time... Do you love me?”

He stammered, a mix of non-words falling from his lips. He had always loved her. “Yes. I have always loved you.”

Cybelle was quiet for a long moment. Just taking it in. It wouldn't be apparent if she was relieved to hear it rather than just assuming it to be a foregone conclusion. “So. We have a baseline. We love each other... But you need to understand that I'll never be your executioner.”

“You may say that you love me now…but I do not expect it,” he said as he stood and began pacing, “you deserve a life…not to be chained to fortnightly prison visits…”

Her expression shifted to something a little strange for their predicament. It wasn't quite humor but it wasn't quite sadness. It was a mix that landed on patient resolve. “I waited years for you...I loved you then. I love you now. I'll love you every day, every moment, and nothing can change that.”

“Not even this.”

He spoke of what she deserved but wasn't that up to her to choose? Cybelle did not condone what he'd done. Not morally or otherwise... But it didn't change her heart. “I'm not here to forgive or absolve you... But I will stand with you. I will be with you. Every step forward... You're not alone.”

He shook his head, face burying into his palms again. He didn’t know what he wanted from her. But he knew what he wanted for her. He wanted her safe. He wanted her to know how great, and wonderful a person she was, and feel loved and needed every day. But he could not shake the feeling of being unworthy of her.

He deserved to be alone. Part of him wanted her to leave. It was a worthy punishment. It was selfish to think she would or should stay. But then it was her choice. But then what of his choice? If there were anything other than togetherness, it was clear that Brandyn would have to take active steps to push her away.

He couldn’t. He couldn’t hurt her like that. He couldn’t lose her. But…he didn’t deserve love.

“It is selfishness that sees me agree to your insistence,” Brandyn said, “because I cannot be without you…I cannot see you hurt more than I already have…hurt you…but I should, by all that is right, lose you. It is not fair that I should break our sacred code and still know the embrace of the woman I love…there must surely be consequences…”

“I'm not a reward some higher power can use to punish you by taking me away.” Her voice's soft chimes never rose or fell in pitch or decibel. Cybelle could sense his pain and self-loathing...But this was a time when she couldn't truly take the edge off. She couldn't undo what had been done. “You could push me away, throw me out a thousand times...”

“Yes. It would hurt...But I won't go.”

Unfortunately, he was stuck with her. A stubborn woman who had long ago chosen to love even the barest shadow of his memory versus denying the truth. “I don't...I don't know how you could cross that line, knowing, the price.”

It wasn’t about hurting her, his family, or the nearest and dearest of the deceased scientist - But of the cost to himself. He was already paying. “I gave everything to keep from killing so it's no wonder I can't understand. I was raised by a pacifist. But...I also wasn't there, with you, and I should have been.”

“I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me the most.”

But...She was here now. Cybelle drew in a deep breath and exhaled slowly while taking him in. She wished, again, that she could steal her arms around him and shelter him from this... But the blood was on his hands. “...Did you really do what they say?”

She guessed as much... But she wanted no secrets. Not, ever again.

“Yes,” he replied simply, avoiding eye contact.

“Why?”

“Because…I wanted too…”

“Is that really the reason?”

“When it all comes down to it…I didn’t have to do it,” Brandyn said, with a sharp wipe of his face, “but I wanted to.”

“You just wanted to? That's not all there is.... Why did you want to?”

“They didn’t deserve to be alive.”

“That's not an answer. Why did you feel that a living, breathing, human being didn't deserve life?”

“You know why,” he said, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

She just watched him for a moment... One would think she would back down and buckle beneath the dismissal but she remained unmoved. “That's unfortunate. I don't want to go home to an empty home. I don't want you to be in here. But we can't always get what we want.”

“This man helped create something that destroyed your world. That buried your parents. Do you really think you killed him just because you wanted to?”

She persisted. And this clearly frustrated Brandyn as his pacing stopped, and his face flushed red. He did not want to speak of this, because he did not want her to hear what he had been telling himself. Whether it be the truth or otherwise.

“Yes! I wanted to! I was angry. And I had them. And he was going to get away. And I wanted him dead. So I turned on my lightsaber. It was quick. It was done.”

“Wrong.”

Her voice wasn't cruel, it never was, but it did cut the silence like a knife. It was softness against the harshness of the detention center that was most startling. “Anger is easy to blame... But it's just a symptom. I've been in your mind, I know your heart, and it is the last thing that defines you. Even if you did feel it in the moment... It's not alone. Pain. Grief. Fear. Loss. You can't confront your demons because you can't fight an emotion. It's not tangible. So it seems that you chased something you could fight. Something you could do something about.”

In all of the trauma they had endured in service to the Jedi Order no one that she knew of had ever gone through any sort of counseling to come to terms with the harshness of reality. They were young adults with the power to move mountains but were forced to watch their loved ones die. Forced to reconcile with the fact that try as they might - All of their efforts could very well be in vain no matter the hope they held in their hearts.

Cybelle still sat on the floor. Small. Leaning against the force field...So still. Like a doll with strings that had been cut. “Behind every action rests a deeper truth, a root cause that goes far beyond the surface. I hid Exegol from you not because I didn't trust you but because I was afraid of me. I had to own up to that and it took time. Reflection. Love.”, she murmured, though, the topic was still sore for her. It would be for a long time. She gave a soft sigh before her eyes closed again.

“This is not done, Brandyn. It will never be done until you find the true source of your actions. It will stay with you. Day, after day. I let you go when I shouldn't have. I'm not going to do that again. You can yell at me... You can hate me. I'll love you through every word and every tear - But this is happening.”

“You need help.”

“You would have been right not to trust me,” Brandyn said, quietly.

She wanted him to get therapy. This…he had not considered, but was instantly resistant too.

“I am sorry for raising my voice,” he said, touching the force field where she leaned on it.

“I am sorry…I am this.”

“I wish you could see what I see.”, she murmured softly, for the first time, lifting her gaze back toward him. Her hand drew across the force field where he touched it. He would feel her presence move through the barrier like a ghost. Invisible fingers touching his. Curling warmly around his wrist and up his arm. “The galaxy is arguably a better place without that man in it...”

“But...We’re meant to be arbiters of peace. Violence like this only brings more. If not outside then within. I could lose you to sickness, war, and any number of cosmic chances...But please...Don’t ask me to lose you to yourself. Don’t make me watch you disappear. No matter what you think...The galaxy is a darker place without you. I’m...”

She trailed off but didn’t finish, feeling her throat constrict.

Cybelle was so...So lonely, empty, without him.

Even this barrier was too much.

“...my everything,” Brandyn said, to finish her sentence.

She got quiet again. The sentiment was very much so mutual, so much so, that she could never consider any future where he wasn’t in it. Her eyes burned and it wouldn’t take long for him to realize that she’d been crying for quite some time. It wasn’t noisy or obvious. Just glimmering streaks from pained topaz eyes... “When your father told me to stay away...I tried.”

“Tried to forget and be the perfect Jedi. I tried not to need you, to avoid, thinking of the past. It was wrong. I could feel you, when you weren’t there. Talked to you when...There was no way you could hear me. You’re my everything too.”

Cybelle reached up and dried her eyes with a sniffle. A softly cleared throat with a push of confidence. “We’re going to get through this. We’ll have a terribly gaudy wedding and face every bit of our future together.”

The way it was meant to be. His words, not her own.

“Thank you,” he whispered, “thank you for…everything.”