Seeking Solace

[Tia'Ilandra Shaasa]

Deep Space - Mara Run Hyperlane​

Pursuivant Cargo Freighter​

​

[ Theme ]​

The Togrutan slowly blinked then closed her eyes. The blue-white light of the hyperdrive lane bathed her skin from beyond the cockpit glass. The moment she had left the shadows of Vorzyd a weight had lifted from the Knight’s shoulders and Tia’Ilandra had allowed herself a moments silence and solace; A breath in peace.

Movement in the rear of the cabin dispelled any illusions of solitude. The girl, Mirra, had been an invaluable help in repairs to the energy transfer coils in the hour before their departure, but now - in the void and further from her chemical cocktail of stimulants with each growing second - the youth’s growing discomfort was becoming ever more obvious to the empathetic knight.

There had been no real discussion as to where they were going, no real consent either. If anything the youth had seemed ready to leave Vorzyd long before Tia had arrived, now the doubts would arise. Tia sighed softly as she stretched out her wounded leg, letting the muscle relax and the worst of the pain ease from the damaged limb. Only in rest and meditation would the injury truly heal, but her grasp of force healing had allowed the knight to stem the worst of the bleeding.

A sound like a moan coming from the behind her made Tia open her eyes. She swivelled her chair to look over the gaunt young woman who had flopped into one of the other cockpit chairs. She felt a combination of concern and consideration as she regarded her new passenger, watching the intermittent frowns darken the corners of the girl’s lips.

It had been a very long time since the Jedi had felt a come-down similar to that which Mirra now experienced; Her memories of those times were hazier now and in many ways, they felt as if they belonged to someone else.

“I remember - I recall - how much it hurts,” she spoke, her voice quiet and softer now in the closed space of the freighter. The cool grey of the woman’s eyes watched the blank visage of the visor Mirra wore. “You have used the chemicals to find solace for some time now. What you feel is the price they exact upon you for balance.”

The subtle shades of incredulity, loathing, longing and fear coloured the girl’s aura as Tia had spoken, but the nomad continued regardless.

“You are more than capable of finding harmony, Mirra Voss, as I did. You have the gift. It is what drew me to you, from distant stars to the shadows of your homeworld.”

[member="Mirra Voss"]

 

[Mirra Voss]

(music - lyrics credit to Metallica)​

​

Open my eyes​

Just to have them close again ​

Well on my way ​

On my way to where I graze ​

It swallows me​

As it takes me in its fold I twist away ​

As I kill this world​

Mirra barely heard the words that had been spoken to her, so lost was she in a combination of thought and painful drug withdrawal.

Once it was clear to her that the Togrutan who called herself Tia'llandra was... well... if not a friend, then perhaps a saviour, she'd made the decision to follow this particular scrap-hole through to the end. Not that it was much of a decision really, what did she have to go back to?

Nothing.

Open doors so I walk inside​

Close my eyes find my place to hide​

And I shake as I take it in​

Let the show begin​

​

The battered old frieghter with it's barely functional drive was perhaps the most luxurious accomodation she had ever encountered, the worn co-pilots seat as comfortable as any she'd grown up with. Riding high on both a literal high and the incredible experience of seeing Vorzyd disappear below her, first the smog layers, then the immense Casino towers, the floating palaces...

... all as nothing more than a battered, neon-lit sphere in space.

The swirling vista of hyperspace was strangely hypnotic, making the experience even more surreal and dreamlike. She could stare at it for hours, in a very real way, a freighter like this was a kind of freedom.

Open my eyes ​

Just to have them close once again ​

Don't want control ​

As It takes me down and down and down again ​

Is that the moon ​

Or just a light that lights this dead end street?​

Is that you there ​

Or just another demon that I meet?​

​

Then the drug pangs began - subtle at first, nervous twitching, elevated heart rate, faster breathing.

Then the familiar ache in the joints that soon turned into an ache in the soul. Neurons long suppressed began to fire at obscenely elevated rates as neurochemicals sought balance, and with that balance...

​

The higher you are ​

The farther you fall ​

The longer the walk ​

The farther you crawl ​

My body my temple ​

This temple it tilts ​

Step into the house that Mirra built​

​

"Balance?" She replied with a start, trying to draw her eyes away from the swirling vortex of hyperspace that seemed to draw her gaze into it - the ship was falling downwards into it now, an eternal drop that would surely end in the destruction of their souls. A horrified laugh escaped her lips. She was pretty damn sure the porg sitting on the control console wasn't real.

"Dive!" It declared before leaping through the viewscreen and off into infinity. There was nothing she could do to supress the terrified yelp.

Open doors as I walk inside ​

Swallow me so the pain subsides ​

And I shake as I take this in​

Let the show begin​

​

"No, Tia..." Mirra tore her gaze from the viewscreen, only to find that the rest of the world was in obscene temporal flux - past, present and future colliding with impossible clarity. She both knew what the Togrutan would say and could hear a dozen answers escaping her lips even before she spoke. There was no escaping it - she had no eyes to shut.

The higher you are​

The farther you fall​

The longer the walk​

The farther you crawl​

My body my temple​

This temple it tilts​

Yes I am I am I am
​

"I know that you are a Jedi, that you have faced hardships in the past, that you struggle with the anger in your soul. But we are not alike - I didn't make myself like this for balance. You know how the old Vorzyd saying goes? The higher you are, the farther you fall? I... I couldn't face the dreams. Father never understood, and mother was... gone... he claimed she'd had strength in the sight, that she was like you. But he had no balance, not by the time I was born. I did this... I took them to shut my mind, or to push it higher if I needed to see a truth I couldn't reach. That's not balance, that's... that's..."

Open my eyes ​

It swallows me ​

Is that you there ​

I twist away ​

Away ​

Away ​

Away​

​

A word Tia was going to say sprang to Mirra's lips before Tia could speak.

"That's avoiding, that's running. That's fear. You say I have the gift - next you'll say it's a blessing. You'll say fear is a dark path. Then I'll curse you. Then... then..." Futures, pasts, presents. All so confusing. Mirra fought back the urge to vomit. Next would come the blackouts, she knew. She might even die if she wasn't careful or treated. She... didn't care... not in a nilhistic way... there were futures out of this. How can you lie to yourself when the immediate future is obvious, warped as it is by withdrawal? This was why she'd lived the life she had. To know the future is a curse as much as a blessing. "... then I'll accept. So lets cut the crap. I'm going to black out soon... harmony or no harmony. That last dose... it was Blackout... it... kills the Sight. Now... now I see everything. I always blackout when I come down. If I come down. So tell me... tell me what I can't see... tell me what comes after."

[member="Tia'Ilandra Shaasa"]​

 

[Tia'Ilandra Shaasa]

Tia'Ilandra had rarely experimented with any drug by choice, the psychotropics and combat stimms she had been subjected to in her youth had ravaged her mind. Her exposure had been shorter, however; Tia supposed that the Sith had not wished to kill off her little test subjects – so costly had been their procurement.

Mirra was more experienced than she had ever been, the youth had clearly experimented with a precise cocktail of chemicals meant to blind her from the pain and the fear, prolonged use had allowed her to build a tolerance that required greater doses again to overcome.

She was twisted and suffering. Delusion and Sight drove her to ramble; Precognition, intuition, hallucination and empathic awareness gave the young woman the aspect of the savant but it was as much fiction as it was fact, now. Shame and a need to voice her shortcomings seemed to drive the child to confessions, sweat kissed her skin and Tia watched her squirm.

The Jedi rose and nodded softly, walking past the youth to a discarded pack left in the seat to Mirra's left, fetching a canteen and a clean linen bandage.

So close, she could almost share her nausea if she opened herself up to the youth's feelings. Despite her own caution, the woman had already intuited a degree of Tia's own struggles.

“I did not suggest that you ever sought balance, I believe that you sought oblivion. I too sought oblivion for a time, though my methods were considerably more of a danger to others than yours.”

She opened the canteen with a slight hiss of released pressure, the contents were still cool and the knight took a mouthful of the still water, before pouring some onto the bandage to soak the material. The girl had begun to babble, stories of her father and mother, stories of the drugs – all pain. With delicacy belying her physicality Tia mopped the youth's brow with the damp cloth, resisting her attempts to brush the care off, as far gone as Mirra was.

Her voice dropped low, soft and with a gentility quite alien to the predator's aspect she wore in public.

“It is a gift, but for you, it has never been a blessing. You ran – and you found an edge to leap from – blackout is oblivion. What is next.. - is the hard path, but you need not take this one alone.”

She ran the cloth across one of the young woman's sweat-stained cheeks and then the other in turn. With her free hand Tia let her ring finger and little finger rest against the tip of her thumb, her index and middle finger remained straight and together, a configuration which aided her in focussing the force in balance within herself – one of many mudras she had practised. Closing her eyes with a slow exhale of breath the knight pictured the warm well of energy within herself, and willed the flow about her to focus and centre about those fingertips.

“Oblivion comes, I will meet you, on the other side..,” she whispered softly, placing her fingertips against the girl's temple as her words trailed away.

---

Once her pulse had stabilised, Tia had lifted the waif in her arms and moved her into the ships medical bay. With great care the healer had cleaned the young woman, redressing her in a clean gown from the medical supplies, medicating her with intravenous fluids and toxin neutralising medication. The youths clothes had been washed and lay in a neat pile by the bed.

For over a day already, Tia had sat vigil over the Mirra. She knelt within a circle of fat candles, eyes closed in deep meditation at the young woman's side. Her fingers maintained shapes of focus and harmony, her weapon laying before her knees. Incense from a single burner flooded the room with a rich smouldering scent of spices. The quiet was broken only by the sound of shallowed breathing.

---

Smoke sweet like blooms, heavy like water. The darkness of a shadow rippled and danced as it sought to cower from a distant Light. Eyes of red in black treetops, the shower of water. The screech of metal. The growl of a beast frustrated.

Then ice. Ice cool like a sudden flood of frozen water about the scalp, about the back of the neck, about the spine and then flooding to drown all else out, submerged in the chill. No screaming – no voice.

Slowly the chill subsides, and the flood recedes.

The smoke remains, the dark still ripples, the eyes watch on. The creak of cooling metal, the scratching of terrible claws.

Floating on cool water, the soothing release of a long-held breath. The sound of a single droplet resounds on like thunder.

Mrrr..- arrr..- ooow, Distant growls, distant warmth. Time is slow. Each breath stretches on to infinity.

Mrraaooh-.. Again. Closer.

M... ... i... ... r... ... r... ... a... ...

A susurration so soft and sibilant, yet with proximity more intimate than a whisper.

---

[member="Mirra Voss"]​

 

[Mirra Voss]

Mirra did not have the energy to assist or resist the attentions of Tia, truthfuly and honestly she was greatful for them and collapsed back into the seat, keeping her Sight fixed on the console lights above. It was far better to watch those shift and change than to let her gaze rest on the tunnel of hyperspace.

She didn't want to fall.

"Oblivion..." She wanted to explain she didn't welcome obivion, as much as she did seek it. She smiled, dreamily. "Solace, not oblivion. But... oblivion is solace, when you live without light."

She let her mind wander and the Sight fade, and solace - or oblivion - took over.

---

The viper and the serpent coil around one another, tearing into each others throats. A myriad of darkness with flickering points of light sprawls carelessly across the stars. Darkness creeps out of the Unknown Regions, the stop of jackboots and the hot rage.

A man. A warrior. Seeking others. Once dark, now light. Driven to battle both viper and serpent.

A woman of peace. Calm.

There are others - there is a place you can find home. A place of calm, quiet light.

A silver haired woman. A healer.

---

Shadow. Cold.

No. Smoke.

Everything is smoke and mist... is this... real? No. Yes. What is real?

The hot breath against ice. A long, lingering growl that descends into a sibillant whisper.

Spin, turn, find the source among the swirling smoke. Don't run...

Run, run, run...

"Who are you?"

[member="Tia'Ilandra Shaasa"]
​

 

[Tia'Ilandra Shaasa]

The crash of thunder heard from beneath water. The shadow-smoke ripples.

As darkness strains and writhes, soft light finds cracks through which to spill.

Warmth, felt not on the skin but from within. Pressures, lifting from unseen limbs and muscles.

‘M... ... i...... r... ... r... ... a... ... ‘, the name repeats, carried like the whispers of wraiths.

‘Who are you?’

The rumble of thunder returns, the writhing dark continues to deteriorate, momentary rends allow beams of intense illumination to warm the soul, to soothe the need.

‘Ti-ah-ahah Ilahhn -d-d-drah’ the syllables arrived like distant echoes; Carrying with them warmth and with that warmth a strength that resolved much of the distortion around the youth.

Presently the clamour of the storm was revealed as a slow, regular pulse.

‘Well .. done…, an ability of… such profound intimacy is… ...advanced.’

The erratic rhythm of the voice appeared to coincide with the weakening strands of darkness, seeming to arrive within her thoughts rather than being carried upon the storm or heard.

‘...Focus on the sound.. of your heart … as it beats. Remember. It is you. Then let the beat … fade to silence.’

'For now, you need not run."

---

So far from consciousness, the young woman's thoughts and emotions resembled a churning stormcloud in the mind’s eye of the healer. A mental morass of fear, confusion and paranoia had clung to the child for so long that she almost feared the light as much as the darkness. Tia’Ilandra found herself wondering if this was how she had seemed to the Jedi who had come to her rescue

It had taken strong minds and patience to reach deep enough to calm the wild wilfulness of the Torgrutan, talents Tia had found within herself in the intervening years, quelling the torment that Mirra suffered would take longer many such sessions and study. For the immediate future, Tia would simply be content to bring the young woman solace in which to recover.

[member="Mirra Voss"]​

 

[Mirra Voss]

Mirra did not understand, not really.

Oh, she understood the words in the vision. But the concept of not running was alien to her on a deep level. That fear meant survival, or rather, it allowed her to survive while maintaining some approximation of a morality she did not really understand on a conscious level. She simply knew that the situation she had found herself in from her birth was... wrong.

Anything else was surrender, and surrender, Vozydh taught, was defeat... and defeat could be a lot worse than death.

But it was calm here, wherever here was - the sort of calm she’d glimpsed on occasion, only to have snatched away. It had always felt a lot like balancing on a very tall pole, but no matter how hard she tried to find her balance, she always found herself knocked off balance.

What then, did Tia mean?

Somehow she knew there was no harm in trying... there was harm here, if she tried. She could feel the wounds at the edge of... herself? Or within herself, at the edge of her perception. Mirra didn’t rationalise the difference, it was just a fact she could hurt herself as well as heal. It would be... wrong, otherwise, an impossible stasis.

She had no eyes to close. Nor any eyes here, really. So she focused her sight on the beat that drove her body - everyone had one, each different, heartbeats mixed with their presence in the Force, she might suppose analytically - did we mention she didn’t do analysis?

The beat was off rhythm, fast, then slow, it was hard to focus on it without trying to change it. To simply observe was an alien trait, but it was... obviously what Tia wanted her to do, or to learn.

And she focused on watching, on observing, on finding that gap between self, body, mind and soul that is the nebulous ‘I’ - the seat of consciousness no Jedi can even perceive, for how can you perceive yourself?

As she struggled with this feat, as her attention slipped from the place, her thoughts, herself, Tia, the future and the past, the beat began to slow. But Mirra did not notice - or rather, she became aware of this, but did not become caught up in it.

Time slipped and slid, the future and the past came and went, but part of learning balance is to unlearn natural responses. You do not try to obtain balance - you will always fall if you do. Instead, do, or do not - know, or do not know.

And so, Mirra forgot herself, and in that act of surrender, found a timeless yet instant moment of peace.

A slice of awareness thinner than a hair, wider than a planet. Longer than a lifetime, yet shorter than the lifespan of a quantum particle.

Behind that, they say, is the Force.

Mirra may or may not have seen it - she would never in her lifetime be able to tell you.

For she had forgotten herself, and how can the self remember what it does not witness?

[member="Tia'Ilandra Shaasa"]

 

[Tia'Ilandra Shaasa]

In silent communion with the force, Tia witnessed the changes overcome the harshest symptoms of the young woman’s condition. It had been some time since Tia had considered the path to peace; Longer still since she had needed to actively focus on the descent deeper into harmony.

Losing the self for more than an instant would take significant practice, learning to dismiss the astonishing range of distractions was alien to the conscious mind. But in the subconscious, denied those senses and distractions only the body itself truly stood as a barrier.

As the heartbeat slowed and steadied Tia observed, yet offered no immediate guidance. The perfection of Mirra’s first moment would be hers alone to savour, a sensation that could last as long as the girl could forget.

Eventually, Tia reached out to commune with her student, a zephyr-like connection as she shared her thoughts with the young woman.

---

The voice returned, Tia’s words delivered directly to the moment Mirra inhabited. Dulcet thoughts shared as delicately as the knight could manage.

'The sleep will end eventually. In a while, when you are ready, you can awaken.'

Warmth and the flow of positive energy where focussed upon the youth, subtle forces working upon the scars which still marked the youth. The cravings would still exist when she awoke, there would still be pain, though Tia had made great effort to ease the worst of the suffering. The strong would endure the pain, grow from it - let it pass - and survive.

'This space we share exists beyond the physical - you are intuiting to my thoughts through the force. In communion with the force I am guiding you’re recovery.'

The longer Tia’s voice continued the more the writhing shadows bled away to let more of the light bathe Mirra, though she had no perceptible body in this space. The connection would open the youth up to something of Tia also. Flashes of thought, emotion, memory;

The vision of trees towering; The sound of lightning; The thrill of the hunt. The dark-haired woman with violet eyes and a soft smile; The feeling of cold wind; The sound of a beasts snarl; The sense of tremendous altitude.

All of these fleeting impressions shared a positive emotional response, the knight appeared at ease.

[member="Mirra Voss"]​

 

[Mirra Voss]

As soon as your born they make you feel small,
By giving you no time instead of it all,
‘Til the pain is so big you feel nothing at all.​

The images that flickered in return were of an urban hell, but of peace within the urban jungle, of places lit with a neon that had been seen only through cybernetic interfaces, of the swirls and eddies of the Force, a shadow world within a shadow world. Tormented images of the people - their souls crushed and driven down, few of them pushed towards the light, many more embracing the darkness even as they coated themselves in brilliant light.

But then moments of peace among the high rusting girders of a construction site, a moment of wonder and solitude within a ruined temple where beautiful alien flowers had taken root, filling the place with life. Mirra was not ignorant of the beauty of her home, it was just so overwhelmingly oppressive that even without a perception of the future, it could drive someone to jaded cynicism and wilful blindness.

Somehow, the dream space was big enough to accommodate both sets of visions, and to be both urban and natural jungle at once.

“I understand... no, I do not understand, but I know, is that the same thing? I... do not wish to awaken. What will happen when I do? What should I do? What will become of me? I... can see so much, so many futures. It’s as if I stand at the mouth of a great tunnel, which splits and splits again and again until every possible future plays out. I... can’t go through life with the shadow of those futures ending, or with the dreams.”

If you want to be a hero, well just follow me.​

[member="Tia'Ilandra Shaasa"]​

 

[Tia'Ilandra Shaasa]

“Sometimes, the force will speak truth to you; something you feel with conviction. Intuition and clarity will come with practice.”

“You must awaken if you are to live the life set out before you. You will find this place again. I will guide you hear, and in time you will not need my guidance.”

“Be mindful of the truth you have just voiced. You see much, more perhaps than I, but it is wise to remember that the futures you see are possibilities, echoes of events that may never come to pass shown to us by the force. You are not beholden to any one of these futures. You are no more to blame for what will come to pass than any of the rest of us.”

“Our connection to the Force is a responsibility as much as it is a gift, With help you will learn to cope with the dreams, and the future.”

The light seemed to warm again, the soothing balm of a warm shower would wash over the Mirra as the last of darkness seemed to slither away for now.

“When you awaken we will talk, you will eat, the pain will return in part, but I will help you to overcome it. I believe our paths are entwined. If you will have me, I intend to train you. You will be a Jedi.”

[member="Mirra Voss"]​