Location: Observing ritual, Silver Rest, Kashyyyk
She could feel the Force and his presence in it reaching out to her, brushing against her consciousness. Reading her, but it wasn't invasive. She didn't resist. there was no point. coming to talk, she knew this would be a hard conversation, and there would be a vulnerability in it. So she came, even hurting, with the hope that it wouldn't turn against her,. That this too wouldn't become the seed for another disappointment. Having fought beside Caltin, she had even more respect for him now. Not because of his skills in a fight. Sure that helped, but it gave her a sense of him and his character in a different way.
"No Padawan, you are right where you need to be."
The words hit like hovertruck, layered with meaning. He'd intended to have her meet him here. But more than that, she was meant to be here in this moment through the Force. And perhaps even at this spiritual and mental crossroads. Despite everything there was nowhere else she was supposed to be. A kind of relief welled up in her then. The way behind her lay fraught with so much uncertainty that just having a place to stand, even just for this moment in time was enough to tighten her chest.
Pursing her lips she nodded slightly, listening as he spoke of the tribe below. In many ways, that was what the Jedi were supposed to be. In some ways, she supposed that... the way things had gone with the Jedi until recently had in fact been much like how her own family had treated her. But she knew, more than just on an intellectual level, but a spiritual level that was not even close to what he meant or intended. Family stood by you when the chit hit the fan when things were at their darkest. When there seemed to be no hope and no way forward. Family didn't exile, forget, or abandon. Tribe didn't either. She'd started out believing that maybe the Jedi could be different. And sure, things had happened. She'd gained a lot from them. But up until recently, she'd spent many times feeling incredibly alone, even wandering the august halls of one enclave or another.
But... according to Jedi doctrine, attachment was dangerous. Really of any kind.
Caltin continued on to carrier and Deneba. Her hands tightened a little. But his assessment and appreciation... approval washed over her, and it stung like washing a wound with saltwater. It stung but it was cleansing, healing. At least in those moments, she'd felt like she'd performed well. Maybe not the absolute best she could. But at least she didn't feel like a walking disappointment. Physically, she supposed, most of it had been easy. The carrier had almost been fun. Not the destruction but the challenge. Testing herself in a real situation.
Most of the crew she'd encountered she'd tried to leave hurt but not mortally wounded or in danger. Only fighting to incapacitate. Droids were so much scrap though. But what bothered her then was evacuating the hangar into space. She agreed with Caltin's idea. It had been a good way to provide extra security for the boarding team and staunch off opportunities for the Raider fighters to rearm. She hadn't even hesitated. Not once, but especially then. How many people had she killed with her action though?
None of them were innocent though. They knew the risks of piracy and the life they chose to live. Raiding a base in Silver Jedi Territory could well wind up with them eating a blaster bolt or a lightsaber. Most of the ones in the hangar were unconscious though. They didn't have the option to choose to surrender. It made them no less dead, frozen, and floating in the vacuum.
Deneba... Deneba was tough. Slaves were a touchy subject with her especially. Again, she hadn't hesitated, moving to protect her classmates, her friends even. If she had any among the Silvers. It was her first instinct, her only thought at the beginning. She was the senior student, along with
Aveline Cuiléin
. And Jorah turned out to be far more adept than she guessed.
And surprised she was. It didn't show a great deal across her face. But Master Vangor seemed so steadfast, sure, and swift in the moment. Decisive... was it? That was how he'd referred to her. He exhibited leadership and never seemed to waver. She'd
wished so much she could be like that. At Deneba and the carrier, there'd been no time to hesitate, to question. Only
act as needed. She had to make choices fast and couldn't dwell on them, just get them done. Later she could re-examine endlessly. And for the most part, she could find little fault in her part.
That had its own trouble attached to it.
As he moved to offer his perspective on the lives taken and the impact bad and good, she nodded. "
So I am hearing. I've talked to Master Arenais, and Vanir Eris about these matters as well. I wanted to talk to Master Jairdain too." She took a deep breath and sighed. It only eased the tightness and pain in her chest a little, but it did help. "
At least it's good to know I'm not alone in how I feel on the matter. I don't wanna hurt anybody or worse. But I know I'm not always going to have a choice. And I know that even if I have to take somebody out, that before their body hits the floor, another would replace them somewhere else."
"
That doesn't make it any better. But when taking out someone will do more good than harm..." she trailed off, leaving the rest unsaid. would she walk that road again? Could she take a life if she had to? If it meant protecting a friend, a classmate, another Jedi... an innocent? Her hands balled into hard fists. She could feel her nails cut into them just a little. Could she do the job?
What was all the training for? Countless hours with a lightsaber? It wasn't just about personal development and self-mastery. Sure that helped, that came with it. But a lightsaber was a
weapon. The same as a blaster. It was mean to inflict harm and destruction. If she truly felt that not taking any life was the way to go, she would have left it behind long ago. She had to face that she knew and accepted what that road would lead to, and she'd walked down it deliberately, willingly.
An image came back to mind, one that she'd seen in her mind's eye so many times. Standing in the gap, protecting others. Lightsaber in hand, even a different color, and design. One of her own making. Carrying one bore the weight of doing what it took to protect others, and ending a threat. The use of a lightsaber was decisive. Even if choosing to be less-than-lethal with it still might mean she had to end someone at some point with it.
But as she'd expressed before that some beings were too dangerous. And some just too dark, without hope. It was better to just remove them from the equation. That was a thought she had a hard time reconciling as a Jedi. But as a pragmatist, it was rather simple. Like cutting out cancer. Recovery might be difficult, but if it spared the whole, or even just made their quality of life better, it was usually worth it. The raiders were a good example. They were cancer and a plague, leeching off of the rest of the people of the sectors they were in. Some could see reason, but a lot of them were the definition of bad eggs.
In truth she didn't feel bad about the results, so much as what it said about her. In a way, she'd become an instant mass murderer. Which was probably worse than most of them. Whether it was during a raid or a war operation didn't so much matter. She knew what her actions would do, and she chose them anyway, no matter how she tried to justify it to herself.
"
I still can't wipe my head around how many people--"
I killed "
--we wiped out. And how that is somehow 'okay.' Just because they were the 'bad guys' though. They would have probably killed us or worse. They obviously tried. But the ones that were down and unconscious? Self-defense is one thing, but I should be in irons right now." She couldn't quite meet his gaze, especially now that she thought about it.
She was everything her grandfather had thought, and worse, about her. He was right to send her away, to exile her.
