Regrets Like the Night Stars

[James Justice]

He gave a soft, sad smile at Kay's indomitable spirit. Even when he was on the cusp of death and she was out for the count, she refused to wallow. She beat the odds, she refused to give in. Unlike him. There was no small amount of irony for James that he had already given up on his own life and she refused to submit to it. This was the fiery woman that James had first met, not the politician. This was the sister that he had formed a bond with, not the politician. She was willing to stand against it all, damn the odds, damn the force, damn the system itself and everyone who kept it running.

"We could try, but, I am not sure what good it would do, in its entirety," he said in all honesty. He nodded knowingly as she mentioned Zakuul. It had given him peace for the first time in decades. "Dying isn't so bad, really. Everything just fades away. The pain, the sorrow, all of it. Then your there. With everyone you love. And--" his voice trailed off. And nothing can ever hurt you again. It wasn't pleasure. That had never been James' quest. It was just a lack of pain. It was everything that he had ever wanted. The spacer partially wondered if that was why he was so ok with this.

His trembling hand wrapped around hers when Kay's fist hit the table. His eyes looked into her's, so full of pain. So full of hurt. A lifetime of suffering. Between the two of them there was more than enough trauma to keep a planet of psychiatrists busy for 5 generations.

"This galaxy doesn't deserve ye," he said. It was too war-torn, too full of pain, too driven to self-destruction and pure hate. "Even now, ye soul is too pure for all of it."

[member="Kay Larr"]

 

[Kay-Larr]

"I still want to try. If anything it could ease your pain." And then [member="James Justice"] wouldn't have to suffer. But perhaps, like her, he felt as though he deserved it.

Yet as his eyes met hers and he held her hand, she just couldn't hold back the tears anymore. "I'm not pure, James. I've killed, been made to murder. Millions had died because I was too stubborn to surrender to the Sith. I'm nothing now! I'm the lowest of the low. I just bring shame to myself and everyone. I divorced Veiere because of it. I don't deserve him and he doesn't deserve to be pulled down by me, or for me to get in the way while he works hard to save the Galaxy." She pulled her hand away so that she could hide her face in her hands. "I'm not even worth my own wright in tea. No one went to look for me when Tacitus had me. The people that worked for me were slaughtered and no one batted an eye. They just shrugged their shoulders and carried on. I have no one to rely on but myself. I am just...a broken mess."

If it weren't for her tea shoppe, she didn't know how much worse she would be. No doubt she'd be living in a hollow somewhere, coming out only when she needed some supplies.

Kay wiped at her tears and then curled up in her chair, hugging herself with her arms.

 

[James Justice]

Even though he earned this, she wanted to try to do something. She cared enough to give him anything she could, to actively try and stem off any pain he had. That--well that was why the galaxy wasn't good enough for her. That was why she better than he could have asked for. James knew he had done her wrong so many ways, but now she was willing to do anything to actively fight off the pain he felt just breathing.

Then he watched her crumble. Sometimes it was too much. Sometimes you just had to fall apart. He wasn't here to tell her that it was wrong to feel that, even though there was nothing further from the truth than what she just said. It wasn't the truth, it just wasn't. James couldn't live in a galaxy where Kay was the badguy, or a galaxy where she wasn't the beacon of hope he had striven to follow.

He placed both his palms flat on the table and rose, every fiber of his dying being screamed in protest. Kay's tea had helped calm and quiet them to make it more manageable. He squatted next to her. His dark brown eyes studied her's with intensity for a few moments with furrowed brows. He wanted to do anything to change that. To help her feel better. His mind searched for the right words to say, but there were none.

His arms moved to wrap around Kay and pull her close in a gentle embrace. If she let him, he pulled her close, letting her rest against his chest. The smell of his own Zeltron pheromones sending a message of comfort, the terentek leather jacket, and his own saw wood smelling cologne would hit her nose. His chin rested on her head, just letting her be. The Force was flickering inside him. Before the spacer would have tried a gentle mind trick, just something to ease it away. But his grasp on the Force wasn't strong enough for now.

He just held her. They were just there. There was no need to break the moment with words. There just was. To someone with Force Sight they'd have likely seen two broken souls, to dark flames burning against the void. There was nothing left in this world for either of them to lose except each other at this point. Together, as brother and sister they were battered beyond recognition. They had both changed, but amid all of it, despite all of it, they had each other. That was it. Nothing else and nothing else mattered.

"I wish there was something I could say to change that," he broke his silence at last after some time. "I always could change things with me words." his hand ran along the back of Kay's head, his roughly worn finger tips caressing her dark locks. "All I can do is understand."

Even though the Force was actively killing him, the spacer was still half-Zeltron. He could still feel the open wounds on Kay's heart. He never learned to stop feeling that, not from anyone or anything. And he could feel it all.

[member="Kay Larr"]

 

[Kay-Larr]

[member="James Justice"] stared at her and she just stared back. And she waited. Kay waited for him to speak what was written in his eyes, yet there was nothing. No words came.

But he hugged her. He wrapped his arms around her like none have done in years, not since Purgatory. Kay fell into her brother's arms and cried softly, the tears flowed, yet she didn't vocalize it. Instead she just shut her eyes tight and took in every sensation, every smell. Here was a special bond that was born through circumstance, it was more familial than anything else.

She curled up against him as though she was a child again, one that had just experienced a nightmare and was being comforted by her big brother. There was nothing else that she wanted at that moment.

"Thank you..." Kay didn't move as she uttered those words. She just wanted the moment to last a while longer. "You're the best brother that I could ever have."