Dev Piecing Together a Peace of Mind

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Eshan
Equipment: Hydrangea Moonblade, pieces of a crossguard Lightsaber
Attire: Jedi Outfit

Lily had been deeply frustrated and disappointed with herself. She wasn't progressing as a Jedi in the way that she had thought she would be by now and there was still the lingering nightmares that she faced where she was haunted by both Adeline Noctua and Darth Carnifex . Lily was drained physically and emotionally, her attention in training was waning and she looked more dishevelled and noticeably where she was not coping well. People were making comments, checking in on her and worst was Briana Sal-Soren had confronted her, trying to help but it embarrassed her deeply. Lily prided herself on looking good, appearing sharp and attentive. Others noticing that she is suffering meant that she was allowing this to get too out of hand and causing her problems to concern others.

She couldn't allow that to happen. Lily refused to be a problem for others, she did not wish others to worry about her.

To figure this out, to finally utilise the Lightsaber crystal that she had discovered on Naboo while on a mission with Briana, Lily needed time away from the Order and time to sort her mental state. The best place to do that was going to be on Eshan and it was fortunate since her grandmother had promised Lily something to help with constructing the Lightsaber. It was curious since Lily had assumed that anything that could be a family heirloom would have been given to Kat, her aunt. Especially since her aunt had been a Jedi longer than Lily had been alive so made no sense that something had been held back from her aunt. At least Lily had figured that there was no sense in it.

However, she didn't think too much on it, landing her ship on the planet, Lily left the hangar bay and headed to her family's estate. Lily had attempted to look her best but her body had deteriorated so it was not as physically impressive as it had been before. She was also still very clearly exhausted and struggling with the limited sleep that she had been able to get. It was not something that she wished her mother or grandmother see since they would use this as an opportunity to argue that Lily should leave the Jedi and just focus on becoming the best Echani warrior on Eshan. And Lily did not have the energy to argue against that anymore, it was too much and right now she did not find herself thrilled to be a Jedi. The Sith were too strong whenever she fought them and all she was doing was helping other Jedi walk into their deaths or getting tortured.

Lily did not see herself as the shining light at the front lines that she had envisioned herself becoming some day in the future.

Entering the manor, Lily adjusted her hair as she looked around her for mother and grandmother. Wondering how they would be with the news of her aunt going rogue and leaving the family to become some sort of mercenary, morally corrupt person. It was devastating for Lily, she felt that it was another person that she had failed to take care of or even realise was going down a dark path.

"Ah. Nan! Great to see you again, guessing mother is still working?" Lily asked as she gave her grandmother a warm, tender hug.

"Yes, yes. Trying to curry some respectability after your aunt's humiliating acts. That woman is a constant disgrace, I should never have let her keep my family name!" Her grandmother grumbled scornfully as she hugged Lily, then tutted at herself as she pulled back. "But I don't mean to complain about her to you, my dear! No, let's have some tea and I can give you the present to help with your Lightsaber!" The distasteful scorn turned into a cheerful and happy expression when Lily's grandmother looked upon her face.

Lily felt a little uncomfortable hearing her grandmother talk so cruelly about her aunt but there was little she could say to her senior and past efforts had fallen on deaf ears to defend Kat. "Tea would be very nice." Lily stated, deciding it would be best to just simply avoid the topic of her aunt when it came to her grandmother.

The elder Echani guided Lily into the parlour room and they sat as a servant poured Lily a tea, "so, finally visiting us on Eshan and it is on Jedi business. Seems you are very busy and popular, Lily. I hope you are still beating all your peers in combat, I am sure that one day the galaxy will recognise you as the greatest Jedi warrior of the current age." Lily's grandmother always tended to focus on Lily's potential to be the best as a fighter and ignoring anything else, it was something that Lily both enjoyed and hated. She loved fighting and it was crucial to who she was so discussing it was always a joy for her. But fighting was not all who Lily was and she sometimes wished her own grandmother would realise that.

But that would not be something Lily would discover today at least.

Drinking the tea, she sipped the hot beverage before she worked up the courage to speak. "I... I am still progressing as well as I can and Master Briana is always praising me as a Padawan. I am sure that I am not far from becoming a Jedi Knight." Lily stated though she was still more comfortable remaining as a Padawan for the time being. She was in no rush to progress, especially since the way that Carnifex could still defeat her without breaking a sweat. And the speedster Sith that was beside him when she fought them over Woostri. It had been luck and deception that won the day, not Lily's combat skills.

"Well, I have something that I have been waiting to gift the best warrior in our family. It is a precious part of my family." Her grandmother pulled out a wooden box from the side table beside her and opened the box to reveal a glowing metal within. "It is Haysian Smelt. A very precious and expensive metal. I thought that you could decorate your Lightsaber with it. Have a Decoria styling on your Lightsaber hilt."

Lily blinked and gasped, it was a most generous present to her, "Nan! You shouldn't have! I can't believe you are gifting this to me. What about Kat? She had been a Jedi long before me, didn't you offer this to her?" Lily tilted her head, wondering why it was only being gifted now.

"No, no. She used her father's warrior staff in hers and she was not worthy as a warrior for this. This is something that belongs to the best of the best in our family, and that is you Lily. I could tell that as soon as you were born!" Her grandmother affirmed as she handed the box over to Lily.

There was an uneasy feeling in Lily's gut as she knew that such a gift would be heart-breaking for Kat to hear since it was a clear sign that she was not respected as a warrior even after all Kat had done for the family. All that had been sacrificed by Kat to ensure her family was safe and protected. However, Lily was already coming up with ideas on how to integrate the metal into her hilt, knowing she could not refuse such a gift from her grandmother. It would be too rude to do so. Taking the box, Lily bowed her head to her grandmother. "This is most kind, nan. I will make sure to use it well in my Lightsaber."

Her grandmother grinned widely and clasped Lily's hands, "I knew you would, you are such a pride to this family, Lily."

Lily sighed and nodded her head, feeling that heavy burden dumped on her shoulders once again. "I know nan, I can only hope to honour the praise you give me. I am going to rest, I want to be up early to get to the meditation point and get started on this attunement." Lily finished the tea, giving another bow as she rose to her feet to her grandmother and then departed for her bed. Hoping she could get in a couple hours before she started this meditation process.

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Eshan
Equipment: Hydrangea Moonblade, pieces of a crossguard Lightsaber
Attire: Jedi Outfit

The night had not been kind again to Lily. Nightmares of those she had failed to save. Those that she would continue to fail to save if she continued this way. The screams of pain as they burned alive, tortured with sinister laughter echoing around them, yellow eyes glinting mockingly in the shadows at Lily as she was helpless to prevent this all. It caused Lily to wake herself up screaming out in frustrations. She was lucky that her mother and grandmother were heavy sleepers so that she did not disturb them. At least, Lily did not hear any signs that she had disturbed their sleep. Feeling her body coated in a thin layer of sweat, Lily realised how intense her nightmare had been that she worked up a sweat without realising.

How much longer could she take of these endless horrors that her mind faced? How long could she keep fighting this before she broke? Before she found herself undone.

Sliding out of her bed, Lily wiped the sweat away and decided to make her way to the kitchen and get a glass of water. Figuring that would do her some good after this ordeal. Breathing in and out slowly, she felt her body reluctantly calm down once again. Phasing out of the fight or flight response that the nightmare had caused her. Lily wasn't even sure if this was a normal nightmare due to the trauma she had taken on after the devastating fights she had been involved in lately or if this was another nightmare caused by Adeline's curse. They seemed to be just as intense as one another now so it never mattered to Lily since she was always suffering with a lack of sleep now.

It was one thing when she would train and use the extra hours to push herself more. But she was still hours away from the first light and it had shifted into an issue of causing her body to crumble. Lily needed a long sleep. There were times that she felt like she could sleep whole days away. However, Lily knew mentally she would never allow that since there was always going to be something that she needed to do.

"If I cannot attune to my own body, how am I meant to attune to those crystals." Lily groaned as she leaned forward on the kitchen counter and rested her head in her hands. "Perhaps this trip is too soon..." Lily muttered, feeling defeated within herself but knowing she couldn't afford to surrender to despair. Not yet.

Inaction was still allowing others to suffer and die at the hands of evil. Lily was torn between the fears and pain that lingered in her mind and knowing the responsibilities she carried as someone who could fight. Who could save lives. If she didn't then she was failing people and Lily couldn't live with that on her conscious. Lily groaned into her hands as stood in the kitchen, waiting for the sun to rise. Taking a long sip of her water, Lily sighed deeply, it was a small relief from her thoughts to focus on the cold water flowing through her body. Cooling anxiety burning her inside and out.

Feeling the warmth of the morning sun, Lily strode through her family's estate and combed her fingers through her long white hair. Her mother had told her that there was a meditation spot on the estate that had some form of Force aura. It was not a nexus but it was something that could help Lily honed her connection better, focus her attention on the crystals and Lightsaber materials. She had studied over notes on Lightsaber construction, it was complex and there was no fast path in building her first Lightsaber. The crossguard Lightsaber was going to be the design of her main Lightsaber since she had found it to be highly effective in combat.

Arriving at the meditation spot, Lily looked around and breathed in deeply, the wind was blowing firmly against her carrying the scents of Eshan that Lily had missed for so long. Tears formed in her eyes as she realised how much she had been missing this. This moment of quietness. It was a perfect moment that brought her home and she slid down to her meditation pose. Placing her hands on her knees and Lily once again breathed in deeply, feeling the calming scents of grass and nature.

"So, how do we attune, huh?" Lily asked the Lightsaber crystals she placed on the ground before her, "tell you all the traumatic things going on in my mind? I don't think that would work... Apparently it is about connecting with the Force and feeling the Force through these crystals..." There was a furrowing of her brow as she was not sure what connecting with the crystals meant. How would that feel? Lily was also acutely aware that her crystals were fickle and dedicated to the Light Side of the Force so if she did not demonstrate a similar dedication then they were not likely to be effective as she needed them to be.

Lily spent time thinking over what were the main issues that were holding her back as a Jedi. "I suppose that I have learned fear... Not just being afraid of enemies that are stronger, that is something I always knew was possible. There is always going to be someone better than you. No... Just seeing true evil, psychopathic horror in a humanoid and being unable to stop that... That terrifies me beyond belief. Even now, I shiver sometimes as I think about it all." Lily spoke aloud, assuming that now would be the time to air her thoughts. Give them a voice so that they could be blown away from her thoughts.

It was something she heard once that helped and in this moment, realising that she needed to connect with her crystals, it felt good to finally say her concerns aloud in order to connect.

"It isn't just fighting a being that seemingly appears immortal... It is also the issue that failing to kill them leaves others to suffer. I failed and Azurine Varek got captured due to my failures. So there is an anger to this all. That I am not good enough. That I am not strong enough." Lily stated as she felt her blood start to boil, "and then it doesn't help that my grandmother is putting expectations on me. Demanding that I become the best warrior in the family. Pitting me against my own aunt essentially. Not caring that I don't want that and that Kat deserves better but no one listens to me. They just demand that I become the head of the house in name only."

Lily grumbled, this was all making her more angry, further away from the centred mentality that she was meant to be adopting. "I don't even know if that is something I want right now. I am avoiding Eshan for a reason, similar reason that I avoid committed relationships currently. It feels too predetermined... Too forced and making me mature all too fast. There is still so much I want to explore, to learn..." Lily sighed deeply.

"I just want to live my life..." A sadness hit her voice but as she spoke, the emotions slowly faded away from her body. As if they were truly being carried away by the gentle breeze. "Maybe this isn't something we complete today, but still feels like a step forward has been made with you." Lily stated, with a little pleased grin returning to her lips.

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Eshan
Equipment: Hydrangea Moonblade, pieces of a crossguard Lightsaber
Attire: Jedi Outfit

"Heading to the meditation spot again Lily?" Her mother's voice called out as Lily attempted to sneak out of the manor in the early hours of the morning.

Even though her mother swore she had no Force powers, Lily never could figure out how Rose knew where she was at all times. Apparently it was motherly intuition but Lily swore it had to be some hidden cameras, talent or some kind of power. Letting out an audible sigh, Lily leaned around the doorframe to look over to her mother.

"Yes, I thought it was a pleasant enough day and should help to get out of the house." Lily mentioned as she ducked out of the house before she had to hear her mother's response. It had been a couple of months now and her mother was not so subtly dropping hints about Lily staying here. Not returning to Naboo, not returning to life as a Jedi. It was a conversation that Lily did not wish to have, it was something that would inevitably lead to an argument and cause them to fall out again.

That wasn't something Lily wanted, not right now. So, she was avoiding the topic completely as much as she could. It had been months with this bonding process but Lily knew progress was being made and that she was slowly working her way through the traumatic events that lingered over her. Nothing was solved or cured, but Lily was beginning to sleep better. She was also appearing more fresh faced because of that. Less like she was working herself to death which was allowing her to slowly get back into her usual training regime.

It had been a step by step process in dealing with her emotions, starting with the suffering. That had been a tough beginning, searching through her feelings as she remembered the markings etched once etched on her skin by Darth Carnifex . Markings she had made an effort to hide away, but she could still feel at times. The emotional suffering of feeling those scars even now, the distain she felt towards herself and the way she looked. It was something Lily never really suffered with till now. But it had been something that was brewing in the back of her mind without Lily even realising it until she had to confront it. The emotional suffering she had in general due to the wars, the seemingly losing battle against the Sith. It was a lot to take on and Lily was drained mentally as well as physically. She just didn't know how to take care of her mental burdens as well as she knew how to handle the physical ones.

Processing the suffering revealed the hatred that led to her suffering. Her hatred of the Sith, of those Sith she constantly fought. The hatred of herself and the failures that she had. This had been the hardest step for Lily to overcome, there was so much justification for hating the Sith. How it was deserved for the way they murdered so many innocent lives, tortured people, tortured her. There hadn't been any Sith that Lily had met that held redeemable features. None of them seemed to desire redemption for themselves either, just intent to corrupt and break her. How could she forgive that type of being? How could she move past it all? How could she place her anger aside to move on from this and avoid falling back into the suffering she had been spiralling through?

It had all seemed impossible.

For weeks, Lily had spent time meditating and thinking over her emotions, pondering how she would move forward as she recognised new reasons for her hatred. New triggers that felt like she was taking steps back. However, as she kept moving with tackling each hatred, she found the anger that was at the stem of it all. There was the obvious anger at the beings who were Sith but that wasn't the crux of the issue. It was the anger at herself that continued to hold her back. She failed. Lily had not been good enough. For the first time in a long time, Lily realised that this wasn't about the Sith that haunted her nightmares. It was about the fact she hated herself. She hated the failure that she felt that she was. Lily had been held up as a prodigy in combat and the very best that her family could offer the galaxy. Yet, Lily failed to defeat any of the Sith she fought in an honourable duel.

When Lily realised that the issue of moving past the hate was learning to forgive herself, it began easier and the deep burning hatred slowly simmered into anger.

Anger was a beast to resolve, she understood why as a Jedi that she could not lean into anger or use anger as a weapon, but it burned inside her at times and expressing the emotions felt important to her as an Echani. However, Lily realised that there was healthy expresses of frustration, disappointment and anger but right now, her rage had been blinding her. Setting blinders on so that she labelled every Sith the same manner. Believing that they would all be Carnifex. That they would all be unbelievably cruel and too dangerous to live. But this was all coming from a place of fear, it was a fear that led to her anger towards the Sith and the Dark Side. Taking the anger and spending days letting it blow away with the winds. It had been tough but necessary. Her heart felt lighter everyday that the anger faded away and she understood more on trying to see potential good in some of the Sith that she was going to encounter in the future. It might not be afford to every single one of them, but some deserved that chance.

The last step, the fear, it was something that Lily was dreading as she had walked to the meditation spot today. She had spent weeks going over her fears, understanding each fear and tracing them back to a lingering fear that had created this weave of fears and darkness in her heart. It had taken a lot of time and there had been false assumptions that the root issue was going to be her fear of loss, of losing those she loved about. But there was something louder, something darker that continued to roar in her mind. It was something that Lily subconsciously knew was always there and that it would forever be an issue.

The fear of disappointing.

Thrusted onto this pedestal upon which her mother and grandmother lauded as this prodigy, all Lily thought about was failing to meet the impossible heights that she had been told to reach for. A generational talent was thrown around but she wasn't even sure that she was even that talented by Echani standards. Every defeat reinforced this thinking. Each lecture from her family on the importance of her place as a warrior triggered her anxiety again. The praise from friends and mentors on her talent felt false to her. Lily always downplayed her talents to being due to her Echani background. It was never something she saw in a similar light to the great Jedi warriors out there. Lily had dropped the assumptions that she would be the best fighter as a Jedi, and definitely knew she was not a generational talent.

But the fear of being a disappointment, of her family losing hope in her. That was something that always brought her close to tears. Lily never wanted to let them down. She never wanted them to think of her as a failure. Lily couldn't handle the idea that she was just not good enough for their love. That their love was conditional on her abilities as a warrior. Which felt true when she looked at the treatment that her aunt got for being slightly different even though Aunt Kat was the one who taught Lily to fight. Lily didn't want that treatment from her family.

Sitting down in her spot, the grass flattened to her imprint now. Lily breathed in deeply and looked around, "being the best that I can be... It has to be enough. I have to accept that I will not be the best but that does not stop me improving every day and being enough to stop the Sith. I cannot let fears of disappointment and failure blind me from the fact that I can still fight and I will still fight the Sith." Lily breathed out slowly as she let out the final fear, the one that had lingered inside her since long before she joined the Jedi Order. The suffering, hate, anger and now the fear were fading from her body. It was beginning to feel healed not just physically or mentally.

Spiritually, Lily Decoria was starting to heal for the first time in a long time.