Private One Stitch at a Time

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Amani Serys

It was early in the morning on New Cov, and like most days, Gatz was meditating in the gardens.

Or, rather, he was trying to meditate. For a man with a mind constantly at war with itself, self-reflection was a thing of conflict, not a thing of peace. Balance was... unobtainable for Gatz Derrevar. A year spent in the pursuit of selflessness didn't erase the six years he'd spent mired in selfishness. For every person he helped or saved, there were three more he'd hurt or killed. Lives taken in self-defense, to be sure, but he'd taken them all the same. All over spice.

Maybe some of them could have been spared. Maybe some of them deserved to live. He'd never know, and it ate him up from the inside out.

Gatz knew that his desire to do good—and the reason he'd put himself in harm's way so many times this past year—stemmed from his guilt. He couldn't look upon the man he'd been without his stomach twisting itself into knots. That man had only cared about credits. That man dealt with everything by pointing a blaster at it. Now, Gatz liked to think that he cared about what was right. He still wasn't a good man. He might not ever be.

But he was trying as best he could.

But that meant he had to start solving his problems without staring down the barrel of a gun. Or, occasionally, a lightsaber. Doing better was all well and good, but what difference did it make if the legacy he left behind was still one painted in crimson? He wanted to be able to help someone without harming someone else. And when Gatz thought of ways to help someone that didn't involve violence, oddly enough he thought of Iris Arani and how she'd dedicated herself to healing the people of Denon.

And for the first time in his adult life, Gatz knew exactly the kind of man he wanted to be: someone who healed, instead of hurt. Someone who saved lives, instead of taking them.

Did he want to be a Jedi? He... needed more time to meditate on that. But, finally, he had an answer for when Valery Noble asked him what he wanted to learn next. He'd taken a shining to lightsaber combat, but he didn't want to make a difference with a blade. He simply wanted to do his part in healing an ailing galaxy. Sew it back together, one stitch at a time. Maybe even fix some of the things he'd broken himself.

Valery was hopeless when it came to healing, but she had arranged lessons for him. With who? Gatz wasn't certain. Honestly, he was expecting that same Miraluka Jedi who'd healed him after he'd gotten mauled by a New Cov predator on steroids. But he would find out in time.

If nothing else, Gatz Derrevar was a patient man.

 

[Amani Serys]

New Cov
Gatz Derrevar​

---

With work often split between the Coruscant Temple and the Vonnuvi Enclave, Amani didn't always have the time to visit other Jedi communities throughout the galaxy. A shame, she thought, as there was much to be gained from cooperation between them. But when Valery requested her to stop by the New Cov temple on a recommendation, Amani couldn't say no to her old friend. Someone here was in need to a healer, and who better epitomized that than the officially designated Chief Healer of the New Jedi Order? She was always happy to impart such knowledge; The galaxy could always use more healers.

The man in question wasn't one Amani had met before, but she was able to suss him out by description. She let herself be guided to the gardens, where he was already meditating. She inhaled deeply of the fresh plant life here, then approached with a quiet step and a gentle voice, "Gatz Derrevar?" The mirialan asked just to make sure, "My name is Amani Serys-Organa. I believe we have a meeting."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Amani Serys

At some point, despite his difficulties, Gatz did find himself in a trance. But even as he sifted through the all the fears that plagued his mind, he could feel Amani's presence in the Force as she approached. She reminded him of Valery in a way—brilliant and warm, like a fire on a cold winter night. He'd met many Jedi, usually through Valery. Few carried a presence that left that much of an impression.

As the woman approaching him stepped into the garden, Gatz opened his eyes and readied a formal greeting—he might have been a former scoundrel, but he'd been raised on Naboo. He wasn't an animal.

But then he saw who was standing in front of him, and he was almost star-struck. Then she dropped her name, and his suspicions about her identity were confirmed. How could he not know of Amani Serys-Organa? She was Valery's best friend! He'd heard the stories! Here she was, right in front of him, and all Gatz could do was wonder why Valery would trouble a Jedi Council Member for him. Wasn't there a damn war going on? Wasn't Master Serys-Organa crucial to the war effort?

Was he single-handedly undermining the Alliance, all so that he could try his hand at a skill he didn't even know if he'd be any good at?

"Master Serys-Organa, I... uh..."

What was he even supposed to say to her? Sorry that I pulled you away from an Alliance that needs you? Or hey, thanks for taking time away from running the Jedi Order to come help me, scum, learn how to maybe suture a cut or two.

Gatz shook his head. No point in being nervous now, she was already here.

"I'm—yes, I'm Gatz." It practically came out as squeak, so Gatz cleared his throat before continuing. "Forgive me, Master, I'm just a little surprised. I didn't expect Valery to... well, I didn't expect her to call the Chief Healer to supplement my lessons. I'm sorry you had to come all this way out for me. I can only imagine how busy you are even on a quiet day."

He knew Valery wanted him to have a good education. But this was unreal.

 

[Amani Serys]

This man was at a loss for words. Amani couldn't help but smile. She had been recognized plenty of times. But (aside from a few Alderaanians who were a bit too invested in their royal family) it was rare that anyone ever reacted to her as, well, starstruck.

"It's alright," The healer chuckled, and raised a hand dismissively, "I'm always happy to make time for someone in need. Especially a prospective healer." She positioned herself across from him in the garden, then clarified, "Not that you should feel like you need to commit to any one vocation instantly. But no matter what you do, healing is an invaluable power."

"Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself. About why you're looking into this path."

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Amani Serys

Something like guilt flooded Gatz. Was someone going to die today, because Master Serys-Organa wasn't there to save them? Because she was out here, wasting her time on him? A part of him felt like he should object to being taught by her—not out of disrespect, but because he felt it would be disrespectful to take up so much of her time when a whole Alliance needed her.

He was just criminal scum who thought he could be—

No. I'm not doing that anymore. He forced those thoughts away, I'm so tired of fighting my own mind.

As the Chief Healer sat herself down in front of him, Gatz pondered her request. He didn't exactly hide who he used to be, but he also didn't go shouting it from the rooftops. Valery had probably clued her into the fact that he'd been a smuggler, but Val was usually pretty good about keeping the rest of his past under wraps. She let him decide how much to tell, and how much to keep to himself.

But Master Serys-Organa had flown all the way out to New Cov, just to give him a lesson. She didn't need to know every slimy detail of his past, but she deserved to know the kind of man she was dealing with.

"I grew up in the Temple on Coruscant," Gatz started quietly, "but I left when I was nine-ish. Went back to Naboo, and had a relatively normal—if destitute—childhood. Mom got sick, Dad died taking dangerous jobs to pay for her medical bills. Then it was my turn to take on less-than-legal work to try and care for her. And in the process... I did a lot of harm. Smuggling. Shooting. Killing—in self defense, when my own life was at stake, but at the end of the day I was still shooting people over spice."

Gatz was silent for a moment.

"I'm not looking for redemption. I just want to put some good back into the galaxy. And I've spent the last year trying to do that, but I'm still doing it at the end of a blaster barrel. And if shooting people is still the only way I know how to handle anything, then I haven't really changed at all. There's gotta be a better way; a way to help someone without hurting someone else."

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani listened patiently to Gatz's story, nodding in understanding as the pieces came together. Life had forced him down a path that was difficult to get out of, and required some unpleasant choices. He wanted out, and now he was finally getting his chance to try and amends.

"Well, I'd say you're already on the road to redemption whether you're looking for it or not," Amani mused after a long pause, "Spend your whole life quantifying your rights and wrongs, and you'll never see past the numbers." She reached into her medkit, searching for something within its contents.

"Acknowledging the change you want to make is a good first step. So tell me, do you have any prior experience with healing, or medical work?" Amani retrieved a small scalpel from the kit, splayed her palm in front of him, and cut a thin flesh wound into the center. A thin line of red formed, a droplet forming along the edge. She presented it to him expectantly.

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Amani Serys

Maybe he was on the road to redemption. Gatz didn't think much of it, though. He wasn't so much worried about the end of the journey as he was the journey itself. If he was only doing this to be 'redeemed,' instead of doing it simply because it was right, then would he really be redeemed in the end? It seemed selfish to fixate on the end of the path, especially if it came at the expense of ignoring what happened along the way.

Forget grand ideas like redemption, he told himself, and... Master Serys-Organa is right: forget about how many people you've hurt compared to how many you've helped. Focus on the people in front of you. Focus on the moment.

And at the moment, the Chief Healer was expecting an answer to her question. He took a moment to compile his answer, watching with interest as she pulled a small medical kit out of her belongings. Was she going to quiz him on what was inside? Gatz was confident that he could answer basic questions like that.

"I'm no licensed professional, but you'd be surprised what you can learn on Nar Shaddaa. Especially when you have to patch yourself up after you've gotten shot or stabbed for the umpteenth time. I know enough to—"

Master Serys-Organa slit her palm open with a scalpel. Gatz blinked.

"Okay, well, the barracks building is only a few feet from the Western edge of the garden. Let's go find a sink and wash out that wound."

It seemed that, much like Valery, Amani Serys-Organa was not a traditional teacher. Well, that suited Gatz just fine really. He wasn't exactly a traditional student.

At least she hadn't, like, stabbed herself.

 

[Amani Serys]

Gatz clearly wasn't expected Amani's methods. She couldn't help but smirk at his surprise. His suggestion that they find a sink to clean out the wound received an approving nod. The healer stood up and follower him to the barracks, in search of their source of water. "Force Healing, in experienced hands, can streamline this process like you wouldn't imagine." She clenched her fist, pouring a bit of energy into it, and when she reopened her palm, the cut was gone. "Really, Force Healing isn't just one ability. It's many things. Detoxifying poisons, fusing bones, mending flesh. Even curing diseases."

She pulled out the scalpel again, and cut her palm once more so they could continue, "It may sound like panacea, but it's not that simple either. Even with immense talent and training, not all damage is so receptive. It can't wish missing limbs back into place, or make embedded shrapnel disappear. And like with anything, it requires a transference of energy. Force Healing is draining to the user. Which means you can't always use it as much as you might want."

"Triage; It's as important to a Jedi as it is to a doctor."

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Amani Serys

The only time Gatz had ever experienced Force Healing, he'd been unconscious in a medical bed in this very Temple, after having been torn to shreds by a juiced-up jungle predator. All he knew was that he'd fallen unconscious as a bleeding mess of torn flesh, and woken up mostly fine—just with a few extra scars that he'd denied the offer to heal.

Actually getting to see it up close, and watching the cut on her hand just seal itself shut...

"Woah." Very profound of him.

Of course, it wasn't a magical wand. Master Serys-Organa went on to explain the limits of Force Healing. It wasn't an endless supply of healing—not when it drew its power from the healer themselves. It couldn't extract debris from the wound, nor was it going to magically regrow someone's arm....

"What if—what if someone lost their arm, but you found the arm in one piece? Could you reattach the limb with Force Healing?"

The barracks had a bathroom, likely meant to be shared by... well, whomever was supposed to stay in here. Padawans, maybe? New Cov was a ghost town even on a bustling day, and Gatz had never seen this building even be used. Even so, Valery ensured that her Temple was clean, and judging by the medical box mounted on the wall, it was likely well stocked too.

Gatz turned the sink on—cool water, not hot—and picked up the dispenser of liquid soap to read the back of it. Satisfied that it was mild, and wouldn't further agitate the wound if it was used, he set it down. Then, before gesturing the Jedi Master to the sink, he rolled up his own sleeves and began to wash his hands.

"Just a moment. I have no idea what kind of bacteria thrives on this planet."

The Chief Healer's cut was a small thing, and it was pretty unlikely that it would get infected, but the point of this was to show the Jedi Master what he knew about binding wounds. That was a thing done with clean hands and a sterile bandage. Even by doctors on a world as dirty as Nar Shaddaa.

 

[Amani Serys]

"What if—what if someone lost their arm, but you found the arm in one piece? Could you reattach the limb with Force Healing?"

Amani paused for a moment, considering his question, "Not on its own, I think. It would require a lot of additional help, or a level of Healing ability I have have yet to see or hear of." And she had seen and heard quite a lot. Perhaps it was something she could look into more directly, though.

Gatz led her over to the sink, and began to check and sterilize the environment as best he could. Amani just smirked and nodded, acknowledging his follow-through on necessary precautions. "You were saying you had medical experience on Nar Shaddaa?" She asked, "Was this a pursuit of passion, or, just a matter of survival?"

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Amani Serys

"Yeah, I guess the idea does sound a little... far-fetched."

Gatz supposed the amount of energy required to reattach a severed limb would be ridiculous. To say nothing of all the difficulties that reattaching limbs normally possessed. Which... Gatz didn't really understand what those difficulties were, he was far from being that well educated on the topic of medicine, but he presumed decay and rigor mortis were factors. At the very least.

The Force couldn't solve everything, it would seem.

With his hands clean, Gatz was satisfied that he wasn't about to infect the Chief Healer's wound. He still would have liked to be wearing a pair of disposable gloves, but the medical box on the wall didn't provide those. Thankfully, this was a small cut. Not an invasive surgery. So it wasn't quite as big of a deal.

"Alright, let me have your hand." Then he paused, and clarified: "in the 'so I can wash out the cut' way. Not the 'in holy matrimony' way. Somehow, I think your husband might object to that."

Should he be offered her hand, Gatz would set himself to running Master Serys-Organa's wound under the running tap. A gauze pad would be soaked, and used to gently dab and wipe the blood away from her skin.

"Survival," Gatz answered Amani's question easily, "I... have a bad habit of getting in over my head, and getting hurt. A lot. Just ask Val: it drives her nuts."

 

[Amani Serys]

"I'll take far-fetched over impossible," Amani mused. Science moved ever forward. Perhaps with enough study, skill, and a bit of luck, such a breakthrough could come in their near future. Staying optimistic about the field of medicine was practically part of her job.

Amani offered Gatz her palm, and chuckled, "I certainly hope he would," Alicio was a nice man, but not that nice. She let her student take the reins, observing as he washed the cut clean and dabbed away any excess blood with a pad. The healer hummed a quiet tune, stopping when she Gatz responded to her question. Another formed, "How did you come to meet Valery? You said you used to be a Jedi, but that would have been before she was around, no?" She didn't know exactly how old he was, but he definitely wasn't a teenager.

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Amani Serys

"It was before she woke up, or at least, before she was really around," Gatz confirmed, "I left when I was nine... so fifteen years ago? I'm not sure exactly when she came out of stasis."

Satisfied that the wound was no longer bleeding, Gatz turned off the water. With a thin linen cloth, Gatz began to pat Master Serys-Organa's wound dry, before moving on to wipe the water away from the rest of her hand. He usually liked to apply a thin layer of petroleum jelly to wounds like this, to keep the edges of the skin moist and encourage healing, but he didn't have any on hand.

Really, the Jedi Master was going to heal herself as soon as he was done, so he supposed that step wasn't as important. So, finally, he dressed the wound with a non adhesive bandage.

"There was a Sith Artifact on Erakhis. Valery needed someone to smuggle her on and off the planet without being caught. I fit the bill, but I couldn't tell you why she chose me over every other smuggler in the galaxy."

Gatz turned back to the sink to clean up his mess. He grabbed the bloody gauze he'd used to wipe away the blood, first. There was no proper place to dispose of it in the bathroom, just a simple waste bin. So he tossed it in there, and resolved himself to emptying the trash when he was done.

"And along the way... I guess she reminded me that there were more important things in life than credits."

 

[Amani Serys]

"Just over a decade now, if memory serves me correctly," That's about how long she had been with Kahlil at least. And as far as Amani was aware, they got to know each other pretty quickly after her awakening.

Gatz finished dressing the wound, and Amani examined the work as he spoke on his past. Valery had picked him to smuggle her to Erakhis, and helped him see in a new light, "Just by chance that she met you?" She asked, "Maybe she saw something in you." Sometimes the Force could divine those inner conflicts, if one looked close enough.

"Your application is well and good," Amani removed the bandage after some time, splaying the clean wound on her palm in front of Gatz again, "Now this time— Show me what you can do with the Force." Perhaps he wouldn't be able to do much at all on his own. But that was all well and good regardless. This would help her see get a sense of what extra help he might need.

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Amani Serys

So, definitely still asleep when he'd left the Order. There was no point in dwelling on 'what ifs,' but even so, Gatz couldn't help but wonder if things would have been different if Valery was around by the time he'd left. But... no: one Jedi Master wouldn't have been enough to compel him to stay. Especially not a Jedi Master with a past of being a Shadow.

The Force had a will, supposedly. Gatz had never put much stock in that, even as a child when the Jedi Way was all he'd known. But he was beginning to believe in that now. So maybe he was always meant to walk away from the Order. Maybe he needed to see the greater galaxy without the filter the Jedi had placed over his eyes.

Did that mean he should stay gone? He didn't know. Gatz wasn't ready to answer that question just yet.

"I've never had the courage to ask her why she chose me, specifically." Gatz forced his mind back on track, in order to answer Amani's question, "maybe she just wanted someone sympathetic to the Order? I can't think of any other reason. There's not much to see in me: I'm just scum who developed a conscience."

Master Serys-Organa's approval gave him a rare sense of pride and accomplishment. He stifled that immediately, of course. All he'd done was bandage a small cut on her palm. And even if he had done something actually worthy of praise, Gatz didn't like to bask in his own ego these days. That kind of attitude had led him to make many decisions he'd come to regret.

And it was a good thing he hadn't allowed himself to become arrogant, after simple praise. Because the Chief Healer's next request would have knocked him down a few pegs.

"I can't do it with the Force," Gatz admitted, rubbing the back of his neck, "that's, uh, where my knowledge ends. I don't even know where to begin with Force Healing. I don't even understand the first step in order to try."

When he actually said it out loud like that, it sounded bad. To call the Chief Healer all the way out here for someone who couldn't even grasp the basics... what had Valery been thinking? What had he been thinking, to even ask her for a tutor?

 

[Amani Serys]

"There's always more to see," Amani said confidently, waving a hand to dismiss Gatz's self-deprecation. She began to walk, back in the direction of the gardens.

"You've used the Force before right?" She asked with a slight smirk, then turned more contemplative, "What is the Force to you? How does it feel? How do you… 'see' it? Interact with it?" The metaphysical could be interpreted in many different ways. Someimtes it was a matter of personality or disposition, other times it had more distinct differences. Amani's mind went to Iris Arani, who saw the Force as a sea of swirling colors than shifted with feeling and purpose. An uncommon (and more literally) perspective than most, but a distant example.

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Amani Serys

Gatz didn't bother to argue with the Chief Healer. He didn't think there was much to him, but between Valery, Kahlil, and now Amani, there were now three Jedi Council Members who saw some small amount of worth in him. He didn't agree with them. As far as he was concerned, he deserved death. He'd sown too much of it to be spared.

But it was nice to pretend that he wasn't scum, even if just for a short while.

"Yes," Gatz managed to chuckle at Master Serys-Organa's question, "I've used the Force. I received the same basic training all younglings do, and Valery refreshed and expanded upon that. But I've never used it for something like this before."

But what was the Force to him? Gatz had never really thought about that before. Well, he had, but in the context that a thug would see it: power, dangerous if wielded by men like him. Always dangerous. And that was why he'd refused to reach out for the Force in the six years he'd spent smuggling.

Now though... he wasn't that same thug. Or, maybe he was, but he was trying to be something else. So what was the Force to him now?

"It's like the hum of a hyperdrive," Gatz said at last, slowly, "a quiet background noise, breathing life into the ship and giving it purpose. Eventually, you get so used to it that you tune it out but it's always there. Then you throttle into hyperspace and it's like a deafening roar—but only for a moment; only in the instant it's needed. Then that noise goes right back to being in the background, where it belongs. But when it's missing, you know. Without it, the ship is useless. It's... incomplete."

Gatz frowned for a moment at his own explanation.

"I guess... it feels like a heartbeat."

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani nodded, finding some understanding in Gatz's analogy. "It's the energy of all things. A ship needs its engine to function. It gives power to all its systems, yes? But a ship has many systems, with many different functions. Power has to be diverted to different systems for different purposes. In this case, restoration. And to divert that power, it needs a pilot." Amani smirked a bit, "And as a heart pumps blood into your limbs, it still requires you to utilize it."

"Which I suppose ultimately means, you need to focus your intent. The Force is about your mind, your will. Will yourself into the healing process. Extend that gift, using the Force as your engine. As an extension of yourself."

The healer chuckled after a pause, revealing some humility, "Does that make sense? I'm not really a starship buff."

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Amani Serys

"Does that make sense? I'm not really a starship buff."

"Enough that I understand the metaphor," Gatz smiled.

Gatz stared down at the freshly cut wound on Master Serys-Organa's hand. Just think of it like diverting power. He used the Force for many things: precognition, telekinesis, physical enhancement, movement—the list went on. And any time he called upon the Force for those things, it was like channeling a current of energy through his own being. Like guiding a train forward, and pulling a lever to guide it down a new track.

Healing was the new track.

He held his hand over Amani's, hovering above her cut. Gatz closed his eyes as he focused. Not like levitating a stone. Not like predicting blaster fire, nor like throwing himself across a large chasm. Instead, like directing the flow of a river. The Force connected all things. Bound all people. The Force itself to him. Him to Master Serys-Organa. The incision on her palm was a part of her. If he could feel her, then he could feel it.

He could feel his connection to Amani. Like a string tied from him to her. It was weak and tentative, neither forged by time nor tempered by a shared struggle. It was not at all like the tough fibers that bound him to Valery Noble , that had grown slowly over time spent together, and strife faced beside one another. It wasn't the steel cord that kept his mind linked to Briana Sal-Soren , instant, unintended, and unyielding.

But the string was there all the same, made by the Force, and flowing with it. And so he pressed his will against it, not to grip it in a closed fist, but to guide it with an open palm to where he needed it to be.

And slowly, like the tiniest trickle of water from the tiniest brook, the small cut on her hand began to knit itself back together.

 

[Amani Serys]

Gatz focused, and Amani went still, silent, not wanting to interrupt that connection. She felt it too, as his aura brushed against hers, not quite familiar, but welcomed. The first time was a slow process, as it was for many, including the Chief Healer herself. But her studios eyes saw it the moment it began. The torn layer of skin mending over itself like a perceivable variation of the natural process. A soothing, pleasant sensation smothered the wound, dulling what faint pain was there.

Finally, when she felt comfortable enough to not interrupt him, Amani spoke quietly, "You're doing it. I told you it would come to you."

Gatz Derrevar​