Private On the Rocks

[Corazona von Ascania]

When he motioned towards her hip, gesturing to where Horace had burned the last act of defiance from her body and left an ugly reminder of his cruelty and her submission, Cora turned away. Still seated on the crate, she angled her body towards the wall, shifting her hips so that she was not facing him.

Makko had been her one comfort in all of the hurt. Through their bond, she'd reached out to him during some of the most painful, soul-shattering points in her marriage, and he'd reached back. He'd seen, felt, and heard things he shouldn't have. He'd helped her, burned himself for her over and over again in devotion, and she was utterly ashamed that her actions had driven him to such self-destructive lengths.

He'd almost been too close. How could they continue on, with Makko knowing what he knew?

"I thought…I thought you'd left because…you were hurt."

Cora bit her lip hard to stay the trembling of her voice.

Noble unions on Ukatis were more akin to business deals that love matches. Murdering her husband had damaged her family's reputation and potentially the well-being of her siblings, who were likely to bear the fallout. In removing the King's only heir, the Cholmondeley's position was less secure, which could insight another war for the throne.

She'd been the one to do that, though.

Cora's guilt, pain and shame boiled over, which she threw upon Makko whether it was fair to him or not.

"Do you have any idea what could've happen if you'd killed him? If they'd tracked his murder back to the Fractal State, back to you? It could've incited war with Denon, or Ukatis' exit from the Alliance!"

Hissing through her teeth, Cora glared through Makko. She couldn't look directly at him.

"He wasn't yours to kill."

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

He couldn't even let out a long breath, without it audibly stuttering.

Makko had known she would be angry at him; it was why he hadn't told her in the first place. There was no hiding now. Every moment was going to hurt, but there was no way back.

He wanted to protest that they would have carried out the assassination carefully. Given that it was now painfully obvious that they had never had much of an intention of getting the job done, he would have only made himself look like an idiot.

On top of it all, he could not help but think that he had robbed himself of the chance to offer Cora some support when she had needed it most.

"I know," he said finally.

It wasn't his usual defiance. He had nothing to stand on and he knew it.

"And I was hurt. And this was stupid. It was all of those things. I wish I hadn;t done it, I wish I'd gone to Valery again to talk."

He started to find his voice, finally. He looked at her, even as she stubbornly refused to meet his gaze.

"I wish you'd just..."

Having found his voice, it started to break again.

"...wish you'd run away to Ord Mantell and this year didn't exist. I'm sorry. For everything you went through. For making it worse."

"And I'm sorry I'm glad he's dead."

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

Cora wasn't facing Makko, but she found herself focusing on the cadence of his voice. It strained and cracked, and it gave her a little insight into how much he struggled.

He tried to balance respecting her autonomy with the fact that Horace hadn't. Cora's heart broke at the mention of Ord Mantell, because she wished that she would have been strong enough to run away with him. Or selfish enough.

"This would be easier…" She murmured, low and irate. "If you'd just yell at me, you know."

Shouting was easier because it was what she was used to, but Makko was sorry. Sorry for her pain, for his part in it, for a situation that has been frustratingly out of their control.

Releasing her grip on the crate, Cora wrapped both arms tightly around her own torso and squeezed. Her nerves were raw and on fire from their journey through Denon's underworld, and the ache in her limbs had been magnified from the emotional swell of it all.

"I'm glad he's dead, too." Her voice was small and soft.

"Do you have any…" Faltering, Cora paused to draw in a heavy breath. Her mind was scrambled, her body was sore, and she just wanted it all to go away. Shed felt that way for weeks.

"…any more of whatever you took earlier at the club? Does it…help?"

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

"This would be easier…" She murmured, low and irate. "If you'd just yell at me, you know."

"We would have done that wouldn't we? Shouted at each other face to face for a bit."

Makko grimaced. He tilted his head back and looked at the ceiling. He felt an ache deep down. A flash of fear.

Were they so different now that they would never do that again?

That time was behind them and there was no way to go back.

He felt the pain rise up the inside of his chest until it tried to strange him.

"Do you have any…"

"…any more of whatever you took earlier at the club? Does it…help?"

Makko didn't present an argument. He patted down his clothing until he felt a familiar bundle in one pocket.

"I do. It doesn't...help like that. I mean...its fun, but if you're gonna, you're gonna want to be sat in a comfy chair with music you like on real loud."

He smiled, thinking back on his surprise for her surprising taste in music.

"Maybe...maybe we'll end up yelling at each other over something stupid again soon?"

It was his way of reaching out and asking if there was any hope that she wasn't broken beyond repair.

He knew that he was changed, that he'd made some mistakes, but he was also aware that he wasn't the one who had truly suffered in the last year.

Makko wished - for all the world - that a thunderstorm was all he had to shield her from.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

"Maybe…"

Cora wanted to pretend that the past year hadn't happened. She wanted all of the horrible things Horace had done to her to disappear, all of the bridges she'd burned and the hurt she'd felt and caused to evaporate into thin air.

She wanted, desperately, to be that naive, bright eyed girl with an undeserved sense of confidence. Eager to explore the galaxy and uphold her family's name, but she couldn’t go back. None of them could.

"I don't…don't feel like I'm the same person I was when I left. He took everything from me and I…I let him."

Her face pulled into a grimace, and a few rapid flutters of her lashes could not stay the tears as they spilled down her cheeks. Carefully, she turned just her head towards Makko.

"Without my family, without Ukatis…what even am I? They were my duty, and I've failed. I don't…"

Her eyes creased as another wave of stinging tears fell.

"…I just wish that it would all stop. Wish that I could forget all the hurt I've felt and caused. To my people, to my brothers and sisters, to the Jedi…to you…" Cora's shoulders slumped as her watery gaze lingered on Makko.

"I don't even know why you're here. I left you for…”

“…you should be mad at me."

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

Makko felt himself collapse a little. He had held this vision where Horace had been killed and Cora had been filled with joy at her freedom. One look and he was taken back to her fear, her pain and then the deep, deep shame.

He was about to tell her that he couldn't possibly be mad at her. But one word struck him and when he spoke there was an edge of anger.

"Failed?"

Tension was visible in the line of his jaw.

"You didn't fail anything. I would never have let you go if..."

But he had seen Horace's character. They both had. Makko fell into silence.

"Thank you," he said. His expression softened as he looked at the streaks of tears. He didn't know what she wanted of him. Shouting wouldn't make it better.

Makko stood up, took two steps to draw alongside her. He felt her tension through the Force.

Makko sat down and placed his arm behind her back.

"Thank you for caring enough to come and find me."

He didn't know what would have happened if she hadn't.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

"I wouldn't have let you stop me." She admitted, soft and somber with just a touch of sad humor. They both were aware of her stubborn streak, especially when it came to Ukatis.

Makko was neither threatening nor aggressive as he moved, but Cora still flinched when he stood and paced closer. Crinkling in confusion, her eyes followed him.

He sat close to her, on the flat top of the crate. So close that she could feel the warmth radiating from him, and it inspired a longing that nearly burned her skin. Cora stiffened as his hand rested gently against her back.

"Of course I came after you." She murmured. "Someone has to tell you when you're being stupid. I'm still mad at you, you know."

In truth, Cora was too tired to kindle her stray embers of anger into a fire.

Tentatively, she rested her forehead against his shoulder. He felt like home, and she took a few long moments to absorb that feeling before her gaze shifted to his pocket.

"Does the spice help you forget? Does it…make things easier for just a little bit?"

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

Cora tensed beneath his touch. He waited until he felt some of that tension ease before he allowed himself to release a breath, as if any sound might startle her.

Makko did not know if that was because of what she had seen him do, how she had found him or because of what she had been through. She hadn't shied from his touch in the quiet gardens of her home estate.

"Yeah didn't think you'd like me off easy..." he said.

He actually had hoped that she might of. Even knowing what he had done wrong. He had acted without her consent and he had fled into darkness. It wasn't all as selfless as he wanted to believe.

"For a little bit. Or it might make it worse. Depends how it goes. But most of the time it's pretty numbing. Like you're floating."

It was stupid, to even entertain her questions. He'd addled his brain, become quite an effective murderer for a street gang and tried to have her husband murdered. Makko didn't feel like pushing back on anything she had to say right now.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

"I want to try it."

Cora was well aware that it wasn't the smart thing to do, and maybe Makko would tell her so. But she was tired, exhausted from their trek through the Denon underworld and the emotional torment that she'd been nursing for what felt like forever. If there was an escape to be had in the moment, she would take it.

"Being numb sounds nice."

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

"I'd say don't do it, but..."

But he had spent the last month hiding, hoping the time would pass before Cora could be freed of the prison she had been trapped in.

Looking back, it was like almost any of his plans. He had worked out the first step without the rest of the plan. Cora had already roundly chastised him for all the implications of his stupid idea.

He could only hope that in the weeks to come she would come to understand that it had come from a good place.

Makko wanted her back. He desperately wanted her back.

He was in no state to even work our where to start.

Makko unzipped a small pocked and drew out a long clear plastic cylinder. The substance inside was a light amber that shimmered in the light.

"Hold out your hand," he said. He would tap just a little onto her finger. Barely a quarter of what he would use, a relatively mild dose for a slender and sober noble.

"Maybe you need to think about what you want now," he said. Even after all she had been through, she worried about how she had affected other people. That struck him, along with a sense of how selfish his own actions had been at times.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

Cora's brows arched, giving Makko a look that said 'If you're saying don't do it, why are you helping me do it?'

She held out her hand. It trembled with indecision, but she held fast. Tired eyes watched Makko like a hawk as he tapped a sliver of shimmering powder onto her extended finger.

More than anything, Cora wanted to be the wide-eyed, energetic girl that she'd been before her marriage. She wanted her innocence and her confidence to return. Her ability to form meaningful connections. Her ability to love and to let herself be loved in turn.

She had no idea who this strange, sad woman that lived in her body was.

"I can't have what I want now, Makko." She whispered. Until this past year, she'd never known that emotional pain could cause such a visceral, physical ache. She had such clarity of purpose when she'd first joined the Jedi, but now she'd been stripped of everything that had driven her. Her family, her people, her duty.

Cora knew that Makko had always disliked her dedication to duty, or what she believed that her duty was.

Her eyes flickered to the powder on her finger, then to his face.

"Erm…what do I do now?"

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

A part of him was a little disappointed that she didn't immediately confess that all she'd ever wanted was him back.

Looking at Cora, seeing and feeling her emotional state, he knew that it would take a lot more than that to make Cora happy.

Even though she had been afraid, he knew some piece of her had taken pride in upholding her duty and becoming a future queen. She had stepped into a nightmare and now her entire life and been turned upside down. His own darkest moments, losing his family, were such distant memories now.

Makko looked down at what was on her finger. Barely enough for a small buzz. Then again, she was quite slender.

"Just eat it," he said. It was a fair question. Some was burned, some was inhaled. This one was easy. It had even been sweetened.

"I'm sorry I..."

Makko stopped himself. More apologies were not going to help. This wasn't about him.

"You're staying back at the academy now? Get your own room back?"

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

Cora's nose wrinkled at the notion of eating the powder, but…it was better than the alternatives. She didn't right away, tensing as if she wanted to still her mind before imbibing.

"I've been staying with the Nobles." She said softly. "Once I was…sufficiently healed, I retuned to Coruscant."

She stared at the substance resting on her finger. Could such tiny grains really help her? Without thinking about it further, she pressed the tip of her finger under her tongue, feeling the spice dissolve. It left a strangely pleasant aftertaste, a mild surprise that lifted her brows.

"Same room. At the end of the hall."

Cora closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall of crates. She wasn't sure what to expect, or when it would kick in.

She was aware that her situation – their situation, really – had troubled him. He'd lit himself on fire for her. In one way, she regretted ever starting anything with Makko. If they hadn't become what they had, then this wouldn't have hurt him as much.

On the other hand…

"Makko, I-"

She paused, suddenly aware of a strange warmth that buzzed softly beneath her skin.

"I wish we could go back to the way that things were before." Her voice tightened. "But I'm not…the same person that I was before. I couldn't be if I tried, and I am trying. I'm not…" Cora took in a deep breath.

"I'm no longer the girl you fell in love with."

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

It had been a year. He reminded himself of that, only to feel an echo of the anguish of how that year had started. The wedding and everything he had witnessed. That echo still was not quite as painful as hearing the soft admission of a broken girl who had been the most willfully stubborn padawan in the order.

Makko might have done everything he could to reach out and ease some of her distress, but that was only when she needed him most and when his strength had allowed it.

She had suffered it every minute of every day. It must have ground her down, right up until the moment she snapped.

"Good memories of that room," he muttered. The phrase was almost there just to fill some space as he figured out how to express himself. He had always tried to do that, even even he couldn't be as eloquent as some people who hadn't told a truth in their life.

"You probably are different," he acknowledged. "But why don't we...why don't we start with me being around so you can figure out what you wanna be now?"

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

Cora sighed. She leaned a little bit deeper against the wall of crates behind her, slouching slightly. Rarely would she have been seen with anything but rigidly perfect posture, but the spice was beginning to ease her movements.

"I know what you want, Makko." She blinked over to him, something meaningful in hazy blue eyes.

"I'm not sure that I can give it to you. Would you still want to be around me then?"

She still cared for him, deeply, but she didn't know what would hurt him more and what would hurt him less. He'd been a rock for her when he could manage, and done more for her than she could've asked for.

It seemed like it was going to hurt, no matter what they did.

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

"I was there when you were on a whole 'nother planet," Makko countered.

He swallowed hard. Even talking about it took him back to reaching out across the void of Space to Cora. His right hand trembled for just a moment. During that time, a dark thought entered his head.

He was glad that Cora had killed Horace, but he would always regret not having done it himself.

He felt a flash of frustration. She had walked away from him before and that decision was still sabotaging any happiness they could find.

"We're going back to the academy - if they'll take me back. Can it be that simple now? Can you maybe just imagine that maybe with time we could find a little of what we had?"

Makko was past talking around matters. He was tired of giving up on himself and on other people.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

Cora blinked slowly. The spice simmering quietly in her mind kept her initial spark of anger from roiling over.

Makko had been so uncomfortably close to her situation. It was simultaneously violating as it was comforting, a strange feeling she couldn't make complete sense of. He'd seen and felt things that he never should have, but his presence had helped her to get through it all.

There were things he hadn't known, though. Deeply shameful aspects that she was scared to reveal

"You want me to think about what I want, but only if it's you."

Her brow furrowed, not strictly out of irritation. She was trying to pin down the confusing mosaic of feelings in her mind.

"I'm not saying yes, but I'm not saying no."

Cora's eyes fluttered closed, and she exhaled heavily in exasperation, murmuring quietly.

"I am so sick of everyone telling me what I should want. I don't know what I want. Why is it that I'm never enough as I am?"

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

"I am so sick of everyone telling me what I should want. I don't know what I want. Why is it that I'm never enough as I am?"

"That's...yeah can't argue with that," Makko replied.

He wanted to argue with what she had said before that. Cora had spoken with the kind of finality and with an edge of pain, that meant he couldn't escalate into an argument like they once had.

Makko took a breath. Even though it had been a small dose, she would be feeling like floating by now. Hopefully he hadn't just heaped more trouble onto her problems.

"I guess I stepped away from what I wanted and that made me selfish," he admitted.

"But yeah, don't change for anyone else. Not me neither," he added. "Be you, not anyone's version of what they want to be."

He vehemently agreed with her, but other thoughts struck him. She might discover that he had always been a foolish flight of fancy and they had never been anything tangible.

That would hurt. It would fucking hurt.

But he also knew that even though he could bring himself to give her to space to discover herself, that he would fight for a chance for himself this time.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

When Makko relented, Cora deflated a little. She had a habit of bulldozing her way through arguments.

"I guess I stepped away from what I wanted and that made me selfish," he admitted.

"Makes you a person, I think. I don't know. Maybe."

They'd split up just before her marriage to Horace. It would not have been kind or reasonable for her to ask Makko to remain as her shoulder to cry on. But reason had little place where teenage emotions were concerned.

Still, it didn't feel fair to him.

"I'm sorry. I may not know all that I want but…I know that I don't want you to hurt. I just…can't give you what you need right now."

Cora slumped further against the crates, eyes unfocusing on the dim lighting above them. For a moment, she wondered if the artificial gravity of the tansport had been negated.

No, she realized. It was the spice blunting the edges of her senses. Tentatively, she reached out for his hand.

"Float with me?"

Makko Vyres

 

[Makko Vyres]

His self control wasn't strong enough. Makko knew that if he was going to make a real change that he should have dropped the spice and put it behind him.

After the day he had been through and Cora's words which struck him so deeply, he didn't have the strength.

Makko took her hand, setting himself comfortably beside her. He took just a slight dab of the glittering powder.

He let his hand settle over hers. It should have been a joyous moment. Reunited after the death of her husband. The sadistic chit who had claimed her and abused her. Instead they had to face up to what events had done to Cora.

"Maybe I just need to do...to be...whatver you need right now," he whispered.

"You're staying the course at the academy right?" he asked, voice suddenly tinged with fear as the spice peeled back the walls.

She didn't want to hurt him, but if she walked away from his life again it would burn him.