Oh, Baby!

[Joza Perl]

In giving birth, Joza didn’t know what to expect. She’d heard that it wasn’t like in all the holoflicks—where the mother’s water breaks and she screams for a few minutes, after which a perfectly clean and perhaps smiling baby is placed into her arms. It could take hours, most of which were uneventful, and sometimes labor even stalled. At least, that was what her own mother told her. Unfortunately, Joza had a more dramatic labor wrought by extreme physical stress when Voss-ka was attacked. Even though her son had been born a few weeks early, everything had turned out alright for the time being. A Silver Knight and mysterious droid had escorted her and Ivan to the nearest hospital, giving way to the most terrifying moment in her life. All of the scary Sith and bondage to slave owners just couldn’t stack up against a frightened new mother, unsure of whether her child would survive or not.

But he did. Alan Perl was born slightly underweight and had to be in the NICU for a handful of days until he found his way into his mother’s arms. Like her own mother, Joza had been alone and scared due to circumstance. But how could she stay upset with this new light in her life?

Roughly three months after the ordeal, the new mom had returned to her apartment on Lianna with her baby boy. Several of the women under her employ—mothers in their own right—had helped her settle in to her new role and were an invaluable source for the frequently exhausted Zeltron. Through all the sleepless nights and moments of frustration, Joza was the happiest she’d ever been.

Seeing as how she was starting to get ahold of things, she saw it fit to invite [member="Connor Harrison"] to meet the baby. He’d been there since the beginning, being the first one to know about her pregnancy and one of the very few who knew of Alan’s parentage. He’d been there for the majority of her term before life took them in different directions during her final trimester, but she was eager to touch base with him and show off the new life she’d created.

“Okay, okay. We’re all good, right? All happy now that we’ve eaten? Not gonna cry for Uncle Connor, right?” Holding the baby to her chest, Joza smiled down at him as he curled his tiny hand around her finger. He’d slept for several hours at a time last night, waking up intermittently to cry for a diaper change or comfort. Circles of fatigue ringed her eyes, but Joza was just glad that he seemed content right now.

 

[Connor Harrison]

Should he accept or not. That was the question, a few factors circled his answer.

One factor was the baby; any baby. He wasn’t a baby person and struggled to even control Younglings, let alone an unpredictable crying, ever-hungry and gurgling bundle of joy.

Another factor was time; running out for him with every moment wasted, which he could afford not to do right now.

Third was Joza Perl herself. Slightly irked by her decision to spend more time away from Voss recently, and more so by the apparent lack of interest in his well-being that at one time he felt he could count on and hold onto, now she was almost a stranger again. Broken promises on both sides nevertheless.

However, as the shuttle touched down on Lianna, Connor Harrison stepped down to a place he’d only been to once, twice before? He couldn’t remember. The positive factors for visiting just about outweighed the negatives. He was escorted across the city to Joza’s personal apartment and they would remain until Connor was ready to leave back to Voss.

Stepping up into the building, glancing around the terrain around him and how it looked, he exhaled, pushing down all memories and hopes from the past, and pushed the buzzer that sounded with a faint chime.

"It’s Connor," he said, waiting for her to let him in.

[member="Joza Perl"]

 

[Joza Perl]

At the sound of the doorbell, Joza smiled and shifted the child in her arms to reaffirm her hold on him. “That must be Uncle Connor. Let’s go answer the door, shall we?” It was hard to keep the saccharine sweetness from her voice, but it was easy to talk to him. The more words he heard, the smarter he’d get, right? Or something like that. Talking to the baby certainly couldn’t be a bad thing. Or was talking too much not advised? She only wanted to do things right!

Opening the door, her beaming smile fell just a bit at seeing [member="Connor Harrison"]. Something seemed…off. She couldn’t quite place her finger on it, and perhaps she was just imagining things. Nevertheless, introductions first. “Connor! So glad you could make it. Come in, come in.” Ushering him inside, the man would find that her apartment—while small—was fairly tidy. Joza had grown up in a one-bedroom flat with her mother and had the mindset of not needing much space for herself. Regardless, she was proud of being able to earn her living quarters on her own even if she’d been looking for a larger space. “Can I get you anything? Water, tea?”

Closing the door behind him, she cradled the child in her arms and propped him up a bit, gently as if to face their guest. “This is Alan. Alan Perl.” Grinning, she bounced the baby softly and cooed to him. “Can you say hi to Uncle Connor?” Alan only gurgled softly, drool bubbling from his lips. Without missing a beat, Joza took the cloth from her shoulder and wiped his mouth. The Zeltron was remarkably less polished since their last meeting—no makeup, plain clothes and her hair was up, if a bit messy.

 

[Connor Harrison]

As the door opened, Connor couldn’t help smile, chuckling at the sight that befell him.

"My my my. Now it’s official," he said stepping through, "Joza Perl is a mother!"

He followed her, not taking his eyes off the baby, still a sight he never thought he’d see. But there she was, in a rather neat and cozy place a million miles away from what she had on Voss. Looking around politely, hands behind his back, he declined her request for drinks.

Making full circle around the room to come back in front of her, he looked at the pair, and waved a couple of fingers to young Baby Perl as he cooed and slapped his hands up and down.

"Pleasure to meet you, Alan."

He looked up, letting his fingers dance around at the mild amusement of the baby. Joza, herself, a million miles away from what she had been like on Voss; now her hair was out of place, and she wore clothes for comfort and nothing more. It seemed she was leaving more and more of herself behind.

"How are you keeping? When you did you give birth?"

It was a little sad that the promise they both had of being there together at the birth for support and care had fallen through, and neither seemed to want to follow it up.

[member="Joza Perl"]

 

[Joza Perl]

Alan stared back at Connor, large blue eyes appraising the stranger with an infantile curiosity. Seeing as how refreshments weren’t necessary, Joza seated herself on the couch and gestured for Connor to do the same with a tilt of her head. Sitting Alan up against her, she held up him by a hand at his stomach, the other coming to smooth over the tuft of red hair on his head. He’d taken after her in that department, though his skin was all peaches and cream given that ¾ of his parentage was human. At the mention of the birth, Joza hesitated while trying to sort out the events in her mind.

“It was a little over three months ago. I don’t know how much you know, but there was an attack on Voss-ka that Ivan and I were caught up in. I was a few weeks from my due date, but I ended up going into labor early then. Thankfully, we were not alone. A Silver Knight and a strange droid managed to escort us to a nearby hospital.” Her eyes unfocused over his shoulder for a moment, recalling the heroic actions of [member="Akio Diachi"] and [member="HK-36"]. “I’m a little fuzzy on everything that had happened after that. I was told that I hemorrhaged, and it took a few days for me to become fully present. But that,” She shifted, bringing her gaze back onto Connor with an awkward smile. “Is done with. And thankfully, everything turned out alright. You wouldn’t be able to guess that little Alan here was born prematurely, hm?” Grinning down at her child, she pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “His doctor says that he’s progressing normally and hitting all of his milestones. I’m so glad.”

“Beyond that, we’ve both been doing well. It’s a big adjustment, that’s for sure, but I’m just happy that he’s here and healthy. Isn’t that right, my little man?” Cooing, she bounced the baby softly on one knee, earning her a toothless open mouthed smile.

Shifting her focus upwards, she smiled softly at her guest, though there was a hint of concern in her eyes. “How about you, Connor? How are you doing?”

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor sat, resting an arm on one bended knee, not exactly reclining into the sofa, but more on edge. However, he listened, glancing to Baby Perl with the little coo's of interruption and flap of the arms.

The story didn't ring any bells in his head. He knew nothing of the attack. In fact, the last time he had seen Joza was when he called her after the confrontation with Keira Ticon. Since then, the two had drifted apart and it was clear both had blank spaces when it came to filling in events from the other. From being at one time closer than ever to now staring at each other across a chasm of uncertainty.

"I had no idea, and I'm sorry you had to go through that." He smiled from the corner of his mouth at her with the baby. She was a natural, as he always said she would be. "And he looks a trooper, Joza. Congratulations again. I told you things would be ok, and now look. You're a natural. He's great."

At her question, which he ignored for the most part, he looked away in thought. Where to begin. What to say, and what not to say.

"I've been busy, I guess you could say. A little Sith hunting here, a little confrontation there. I've got young Aria Vale under my wing currently, helping her blossom which is productive." He rubbed his hand over his chin. "Nothing else, really. You know how my life is. Same old, same old."

He flexed his hand, the crimson scars of reconstructive surgery getting a little warm.

"Where have you been anyway? We've hardly seen you on Voss."

We meaning him. He didn't care much about what the others were keeping tabs on.

[member="Joza Perl"]

 

[Joza Perl]

As she finished speaking, Joza’s smoothed out the little fluff of Alan’s hair during Connor’s response. For part of it, her eyes were cast down towards her child—happy, healthy, and seemingly excited at their guest. Could he really grasp that though? She’d have to consult the holonet later, as she did for many baby related things. Still, a part of her couldn’t believe that Alan was real. That he was here, and that he gave her a sort of happiness she never could have imagined.

When he called her a natural and her child great, she looked up, already beaming. “You think so? I’m trying as hard as I can. It’s definitely not easy, but he’s worth it. He’s worth every second.” Bringing the baby close, she snuggled him for a moment before kissing his cheek. Sighing contentedly, she looked back up at Connor. “Oh, Aria—how’s she doing?” Inquiring brightly, she tilted her head to the side, feeling as though the man before her was withholding something. Probing his mind was out of the question—that was rude, and he was her friend. But the awkward air that settled between them came as a bit of a surprise to her.

“I’ve been out and about.” She shrugged, her voice light. Joza had never really spent much time on Voss, less so since making her own little home on Lianna years ago. “Heartbeat has been expanding, and I’ve recently acquired my father’s pharmaceutical company, so there’s that.” How strange it was to mention him when they’ve only met a few time and had an awkward relationship. “Beyond that, I’ve been traveling from the TIon Cluster to the Kathol Sector to help my friends in the outback. And just a few weeks ago, I returned from aiding the Galactic Alliance on Atrisia at the request of a friend.” She smiled, realizing that it had sounded like quite a bit. Pregnancy hadn’t slowed her down much at all.

Alan squirmed, and Joza shifted to accommodate the baby’s flailing limbs better. “Would you like to hold him?”

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

It was hard to concentrate on Joza fully, because now Connor had the distraction of a bouncing baby on her lap. It was still surreal to see her as a mother after all they had been through and talked about – now here she was! Here HE was. The child of that coward. Hopefully he wouldn’t take his daddy’s genes in that sense.

He held out his hands, the universal sign language for “No no no, it’s fine”, with a forced chuckle.

”I’m…not great with kids. Maybe when he’s older and not as breakable. I will, one day."

Giving her smile, he rubbed his hands together slowly around in circles.

”Aria is doing good thanks, she’s a good kid. Certainly blossoming from the little bulb she was months ago, and we’ve been out exploring a little. I need to increase her training actually, keep the pressure on. She made Knight, though, which is good. And lucky for me she’s not come to bear the brunt of what it means to be involved with Master Connor Harrison."

With a nod, he stopped. His fingers started to interlock, twisting gently, clear signs of fidgeting.

”Sounds like you’ve been busy." He looked at Baby Perl again for a moment, then up to Joza, and smiled, before looking away. ”It’s nice to see you seem settled now, anyway. I take it you’re not coming back to the Silver Jedi anytime soon?"

[member="Joza Perl"]

 

[Joza Perl]

Alan’s squirming quieted down, though it did not subside entirely. Glancing at the chrono on the wall, Joza realized that it was nearing his nap time. At the news of Aria making Knight, she grinned.

“Oh, congratulations to the both of you!” Perhaps she would have said more, but the good humor began to fade from her grin as his last sentence registered to her. What exactly did he mean by that? Her brow knit, pensive for a moment as Alan began to fuss and she rocked him softly to quell his irritation. Observation and empathy went hand in hand, but she wouldn’t try to scratch the surface beyond polite words with a baby in her lap.

“What do you mean?” His question caught her a bit off guard, eyes drawing to the scars streaking along his twitching hands before moving back up to his face. “I’ve been an active part of the Silver Jedi through my pregnancy. I slowed down a bit in my last trimester, sure…” She paused as Alan’s face scrunched up and she sighed, shifting him into her arms before standing. “Do you mean back to Voss? Lianna’s been my home for quite some time now.” The child in her arms emitted a low whine, and she smoothed a hand over his head. “I know, baby, I know.” Murmuring softly, she shifted her focus back to Connor for a moment.

“Excuse me for a bit—someone’s getting sleepy.” Joza gave him a small albeit quite smile before turning and heading to a nearby room. Leaving the door ajar, she settled Alan in for his afternoon nap while thinking about how to approach whatever was going on with [member="Connor Harrison"].

 

[Connor Harrison]

”You know, when people train under me, they always become a target. It’s a bad habit I’m trying to quell. If I can make Aria safe and strong, I'll be happy she can look after herself out there."

He talked a little quieter, and nodded when she spoke of her home and time with the Silvers; in all, he just missed her company. It was a time when he felt grounded, but it had slowly fallen apart from under his feet.

At one point, he wanted to be with her and share the pregnancy, and be there at the birth, and dote on her. There was a great affection for Joza Perl. Or, there HAD been. He knew their place, and knew his position, and it was slowly fading away with that hope he once had of normality.

When she moved to settle the baby, Connor smiled softly and laced his fingers. When she was gone, he swept his hands over his face.

He felt sick. Uncomfortable. Out of place.

His skin felt dry and he neck like it was burning.

Fingers itchy and muscles heavy.

Resting his chin on the palm of his hand, he tapped his knee as he looked across the room at nothing, knowing he had to carry on. He looked across to the door for her, but didn’t speak for not wanting to disturb a sleeping cherub.

[member="Joza Perl"]

 

[Joza Perl]

Creeping her way out of the baby’s room, Joza shut the door as carefully as she could before turning to face Connor. It was clear from when she’d first welcomed him into her home that something was off, and now that they were alone he appeared all the more uneasy.

“Connor,” She called softly, moreso out of wanting to approach this carefully than wake the baby—he’d sleep well enough through gentle conversation. Taking a seat next to him on the couch, Joza reached out to touch his shoulder. A pink thumb would brush against the fabric of his shirt, and if he looked up at her he’d find her fatigued features etched with concern. “Tell me what’s wrong. Did something happen?”

To her, it was clear that something had happened. Whether an actual even or a shift in thought, whatever it was weighed heavily on her friend. Even though they hadn’t seen eachother in months, Joza still counted him a such—given her lifestyle, it was common to occasionally lose touch with friends and loved ones for a bit. Towards the end of Nikias’ life, the Hellyni and the Zeltron didn’t see eachother much. Even her father, and her own husband she’d only met a handful of times. But something had changed in the time she and Connor had been apart.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He stared out of her window from where he was sat. A few quiet skylanes were an easy distraction; passing cabs and speeders and whatnot. When she sat, he didn't flinch, nor when she touched his shoulder. At one point he'd have smiled, taken her hand in his and poured his heart out. Now? Not so much.

”You know..."

He forced a swallow and licked his lip slowly.

”You know I'm stubborn. I like to get results and I won't always listen to reason. Well, recently, that attitude has taken me on a path I find liberating. I confronted Keria Ticon on Vaal where you found me, pure and simple. I wanted blood for that spilt on Voss. I've also..." he hung his head, exhausted already trying to piece it together, ”...I've opened my eyes a little more and my time with the Silver Jedi is limited."

He stood up, letting her hand slip and he walked to the window so he didn't feel as claustrophobic, even in the spacious apartment.

”Recently I have become acquainted with followers of the Dark Side and I see there is truth to what they say and feel. It's a truth I am starting to want to follow. Do you remember Charzon Loulan? She never made it to the Prism. I killed her on Korriban and left her body for them to find atop a wrecked building she helped bomb." He nodded a little, processing it. ”So I have gone behind the will of the Silver Council and the Grandmaster, and you know what?"

Connor turned to her.

”I'm still here. Nobody cares enough to question where she is or why nobody confirmed her arrival. I've spent time with dark figures across the galaxy and nobody knows. And Aria Vale? She's just as true as I am. She only needs help to see it which I am doing right now."

A speeder passed by and he returned to the window, watching it.

”The shroud of the Dark Side is closing in, Joza. Not the Sith butchers like the father of your child, but ones who are cunning and calculating and careful in their actions." He pushed his tongue into his cheek. ”I may as well tell you with everything else, I thought at one point I could help raise your child. I was willing to give up so much to lover you and care for you. And like all the rest, you simply...went away. As easy as that."

Joza was quiet, and thankfully she couldn't see his face set and stern looking out to the planet.

[member="Joza Perl"]

 

[Joza Perl]

As Connor rose, Joza didn’t rise after him. She simply stayed on the couch, legs crossed at the ankle and baby monitor clutched in hand. The image of her sleeping son stirred on the screen, but he did not wake or cry, and so her full attention was on the man who had shifted towards the window. At the very least, he was talking and she wouldn’t have to try and pry it out of him. Not now, anyway. He’d given her plenty to chew on, and the Zeltron remained silent and open eared as he spoke. It wasn’t just his words she heard, but the resolve, the underlying twinges of guilt and anger that had lead him to this point. From exactly what, she did not know.

Slowly, her soft open-mouthed expression grew firm. Not out of straight distaste, but simple processing. At the news of Charzon’s death, her first instinct was to look away, but she couldn’t bring herself to turn from Connor. She wanted to look at him, to see the sort of man who would willingly betray the Order he’d worked so hard to build and had lost faith in.

“I went away.” She confirmed, uncrossing her ankles and tilting her head in order to get a better look at him. “But if you were willing to give up so much to be with me, why didn’t you pursue me? Or even check in to see how I was doing?” With a roll of her shoulders, she arose but made no move towards him. Her voice was steady, not accusatory as she did her best to pick apart the situation. “I like you Connor, a lot. Or rather, I liked the Connor who I talked to for hours in the gardens. I’m not sure if that’s the same man who stands before me.” Her arms crossed over eachother, each hand grasping onto the skin of her upper arm, worrying it slightly with her nails as she exhaled.

“I thought that maybe, someday—we could have something. We never discussed any deeper feelings towards eachother, and I hadn’t realized that you’d become infatuated with me so quickly, Connor.” Not love. People don’t fall in love with Joza Perl. They become victim to her charms, smitten with the idea of her as a canvas to project a future onto. Perhaps she was damning herself, but this was something the Zeltron believed. It was not love that had kept her and Haytham together for so long, it was the thought of having someone and the excitement of crossing into enemy territory.

“Are you upset because you feel slighted? Ignored? Betrayed, even?”

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Those words! That dug into him harder than anything else. He span and raised his finger.

”NO! Not infatuated - don't you dare make me out to be something I'm not."

The finger curled into the fist as it went down to his side.

”You were one who gave me understanding, and care, and support. I did the same and it wasn't about your looks - it was about you. The woman before me." He chewed his inner cheek and laughed a little. ”There it is. Do I feel betrayed or ignored. What am I? A child? Is that how you see me, just like everyone else does? I falter, and because of that, I'm a child who can't deal with my feelings or my place in an failing Order? You have NO idea how it feels to see something crumble around you that you built up from the ground. To see those you cared for and studied under killed in pursuit of something that will never come to be. A dream. A dream that will never become reality. Back and forward it goes, one side gets the upper hand and then the other. The Silvers had their turn, now it's someone else. Soon, some other power."

He ran his hand over his hair for a moment and looked up at the ceiling.

”I didn't check on you because you simply went away as I did. And you never checked on me either to see how I was doing after the trial. Do you know how many people were after our heads following Korriban? I did what I did to end their bloodlust. The Sith and Mando brutes wouldn't stop until she was dead. I removed her from the equation. Now, they already see us as weak, so I did it for what? Nothing. Nothing."

Inside, he could feel her slipping away. Everything was starting to fall away.

”I guess I didn't treat you right to be allowed into your heart like the others you gave yourself to. Good old Connor. Broken and battered but always there to listen when you need him to. Then when you're done, cast him off and forget about him. He's a loner - volatile, confused. I get it. I get it." He smirked at her and nodded.

”I really get it now."

[member="Joza Perl"]

 

[Joza Perl]

Joza’s face scrunched slightly and she brought a finger to her lips, gesturing with her eyes towards the room where the baby slept. They could carry out a conversation at normal volume without disturbing Alan, but she would not tolerate a raised voice during naptime. She didn’t want to deal with a fussy baby.

“So does all that understanding, care and support suddenly mean nothing because we’ve both been a little caught up in ourselves? That’s not the only thing bothering you Connor. Something else happened, and I’m not talking about Charzon. Who hurt you?” She strode towards him, opening her arms, palms flat and facing upwards as she moved a little closer. “I don’t appreciate you assuming my experiences, but I’m going to chalk that up to whatever’s upsetting you and the stream of emotions I can practically see inside your head. Yes, I am aware of the position the Korriban debacle put the Silvers in. The Mandalorian raids, the attack on Voss that caused my child to be born early and hospitalized for weeks—I’m not as removed from this as you seem to think.” She frowned. The post-Korriban situation was indeed volatile.

Like the others she gave herself to? His words caused to pause in both her movement and her thoughts as a startled expression came across her face. “Oh,” She breathed, daring to look away for the moment to hide her disappointment, heart sinking into her stomach. “I see. I’ve made a mistake. I thought you weren’t like that—I thought you and I were friends.” Exhaling slowly, she turned her focus back towards him, looking a bit defeated but continued still. “You know, it doesn’t sound like you’re dealing with your feelings too well after all. You’re lashing out and clearly upset. The Connor I knew wouldn’t turn his back on the Order he loved so much just because things got a little difficult—there’s more to this than you’re telling me.”

Taking a chance, she stepped forward and into his personal bubble. Green eyes would try and catch blue ones as she stared at him, into him, trying to discern where things went wrong. “Tell me who hurt you, Connor. I just want to help you.”

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He opened his hand as if he was pushing her away as she spoke, but didn't raise it or do anything else. He wouldn't harm her or lay a finger on her - he was many things, but not a coward who attacked women.

So he thought, at least.

She was like a wall closing in on him, and his chest felt heavy with her words; the warmth on his brow getting more intense. It was more difficult than he thought facing those he cared for and admitting what was happening.

”I'm dealing with it just fine Joza." Now his hand came up to stop her. ”That's the problem."

His hand stayed there for a moment and he looked into her green eyes. She was still beautiful, make-up free and tired from being a mother. A sorrowful smile crossed his lips. He nodded. It was alright. Everything would be alright.

Then his hand came down.

”I'm struggling to admit who I am. We are friends - I hope - and I love you. People are going to get hurt. They are going to hate me, and be disappointed in me. But I can't do this anymore. You have to understand I can't live a lie anymore. I've stood side by side with Matsu Xiangu recently and glimpsed a future I can be a part of and find a security there for myself and the galaxy. To do what must be done. To finally be me without fear of what others think, or have them look down on me. If they cross me, they will suffer."

The muscle in his jaw flinched. The tear was there in his right eye, and the blood tear wept from his left, which he quickly stopped with his fingers on the raw flesh. He closed his eyes to fight back more, and blew out a breath that cracked.

”Please understand. Please...."

[member="Joza Perl"]

 

[Joza Perl]

His words chilled her. Even if he seemed to calm down, Joza found that he would almost rather have him screaming—quiet words and reassurance felt oddly foreign. Not just from him, but in general. It was strange, when all she wanted to do was get him to come down from his frustration and talk this out peacefully. Still, she flinched as his hand came up. Connor hadn’t given her a solid reason to distrust him, but she was on edge and didn’t want this to turn into an all familiar situation. The sort she’d left behind with the dark haired Sith who she’d fallen for.

“I don’t believe you,” Her voice was quiet, almost whispering in disbelief. And in a different way, it almost was that sort of situation she thought she’d left behind. She hadn’t been quick or aware enough to intercept Haytham’s descent into darkness, and she still partially blamed herself for the way their relationship went. And now Connor—she hadn’t seen the signs, the suffering. Could she have helped prevent this? Reaching for his hand, if he would allow, she would grasp it and pull him towards the couch to sit with her. If not, they would remain standing.

“How long—how long has this been going on for, Connor? How long have you been meeting with Sith Lords and drinking their poison?” She worried her lower lip with her teeth as his eyes glassed over, a drop of saline and a drop of blood drifting down beneath either eye. “She’s a Sith. She’ll stab you in the back if it befits her. That’s what they do. Do you really want to become that sort of person?” Joza didn’t know Matsu Xiangu personally, and admittedly she was drawing off of her own interactions with Sith.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

As she took his hand and pulled gently, he was rooted to the spot, shaking his head. It was the turn to try and comfort him and to listen and understand. It was too late for that. These things always happened too late.

”It's so much more than that, Joza. I wish you understood. Just as there are rotten Jedi, there are good ones. As with the Sith, there are rotten ones but there are good. Those who have integrity and confidence and knowledge at their grasp to get what they want. They aren't afraid to make the decision in culling those weaker who waste their time. Imagine if we could get rid of the dead flesh that covered the Jedi at times - those who betray us or go behind our backs or pander to us. Get rid of them. Leave the strong standing. Leave the strong ready to take back what is theirs. This is why the Jedi are failing - they aren't strong enough or willing enough to make those difficult decisions. The Sith are."

He held her hand, and knew it may well be a moment he couldn't do again.

”The last two months or so, to answer your question. I've been anywhere and everywhere and finally treated with respect. They listen. They understand. They see who I am. Now you'll all see, but it's too late to try and pretend you care." His hand squeezed hers a little more. ”I just wish you understood enough. I would have done anything for you, for the both of you." He blew out a breath.

”Can I have some water or something?"

[member="Joza Perl"]

 

[Joza Perl]

Her grip on his hand grew slack, in disbelief of what she was hearing. There were so many things she could say, and a part of her wanted to go haywire, yell and scream at him that this isn’t right. It wouldn’t get them anywhere, but what would? This was beyond gentle understanding. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Motherhood may have begun to tame her, but Joza had a firm belief in who she was.

Without saying a word, she slipped her hand from his and turned on her heel towards the kitchen. The skin beneath her eyes seemed crease and sag with sleeplessness, and now with the added stress of losing someone to the Dark. Again.

She would return shortly with a glass of water, looking a bit dazed as she processed the information and the realization sunk in that he was serious about this. Handing the glass over, she looked away for a few moments to gather her thoughts so that there’d be some semblance of order in her head. A slow exhale helped. “They’re manipulating you, Connor. They don’t care about you. They’ll tell you anything you want to hear in order to get you on their side and use you for their own gains. It happened to me under the guise of love—do you really, sincerely think that they respect you? Someone once told me that the Light tries to understand and reason more than the Dark.”

A pause, and another exhale. This time though her nose in order to quell the growing frustration. The more aware she’d become of her temper, the easier it had been to control. “Do you remember when I stumbled my way back to Voss clouded by the Dark side?” She had no doubt that he would. It was the first time the pair had met personally. “Would this Connor have labeled me as dead weight—a defect, a lost cause? Would I be culled along with the other lost souls who just needed a little guidance and understanding?”

“Shutting yourself out from someone who wants to help isn’t going to make things better for you. And I’m hurt—hurt that you think that I’m pretending. If I didn’t care, I would have kicked you out of my apartment instead of trying to get you to stop being inside your own head.” Her head tilted to the side, a mix of fatigue and earnest worry lining her face. “This isn’t you, Connor. I can’t accept it.”

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor took a generous mouthful, watching Joza through the glass as she spoke to him. But he'd heard it all before. This was, sadly, nothing new or original. It was also that spoken of those afraid to admit failure. He smacked his lips and swilled the glass gently.

”They have gained nothing from me. There is no they. This has been a path laid out before me crafted by me and me alone. Through the Force. Through destiny. Not everyone can walk in the Light, Joza. Not even you."

He took another drink.

”When you came to Voss I tried damn hard to help you, and help myself. To say the right things and spare as many people from heartbreak as I could because it all had happened to me. I didn't care for the Order then, I cared about you as a person. I saw the signs." He sighed. ”I see them again. Doubt. If you came to me now like that I'd tell you to not turn away from your destiny. Not to shy from your feelings and desires because you are scared. You're afraid of that what you don't understand, and I am done being afraid."

Lowering his head, he stepped forward and took a final mouthful before holding it in his mouth a second and swallowing hard. The glass was placed down gently.

”You can accept it now, or you can deny it and pretend it's not happening and it's not good to shake the status quo, and I'll be gone. Or if you want to understand," his eyes moved up to hers, ”then I can help you understand."

He stayed looking at her; it was hard to read the intent behind those hard eyes.

[member="Joza Perl"]